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#2742326 05/07/17 04:58 PM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2742047&page=1

As most of you are aware of my current situation, I will spare the details. Please see previous thread for more.

As I have continued my successful GAL, 180 and Detachment journey, I feel that this weekend I saw possibly the first signs that it may be working for a possible DB one day.

A few examples below of things that happened over the weekend.

1. While we were sitting together at son's baseball game, my wife took interest for the first time in a long time in my Saturday evening plans. The plans had nothing to do with her but she asked twice what I was doing and who it was with.

2. She took notice and mentioned my new shirt, asking "where did you get that", in a sarcastic tone.

3. She made a joke about something that is a running joke with the both of us. We both laughed.

4. When dropping off my son so I could go out for my plans, she ask "do you plan on changing your outfit before you go because that doesn't look good and girls won't be attracted to that". I told her yes, I am changing. I know this sounds negative, but why would she care what I wear?

5. Today, she called me to talk about some things and asked me how my event was that I went to. I was brief and told her that I had a great time.

6. We were talking about some other things and then she said to me "well, if you were not so busy going to the gym, going to events and out buying clothes...then you would understand. Again, sounds potentially negative, but why does she care?!?!

7. She texted me a pic of our son for no reason and completely out of the blue. I didn't respond.

There are a few other minor things that I can't recall right now. Not looking for comments that I need to stop mind reading or stop caring, etc. and to focus on myself. I am focused on myself as you can see from the beginning of the post. Obviously she is beginning to notice...

Thoughts, comments, next steps?


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
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Originally Posted By: sellout

Thoughts, comments, next steps?


I don't want to rain on your parade or burst you bubble, but it is WAY to early too count your success. My W will still joke and have good conversations with me. She will bring me food. She will check my mail when I am traveling. She has even bought me clothes. She will do lots of things with me and this has been happening for a year since my BD date. But, she is still not wanting to get back together.

I say this to you because you cannot rush this. You can't. If you do you will push her away as fast as you can blink. Take your time and try not to read into anything she does.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
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Posts: 505
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[quote=selloutAs I have continued my successful GAL, 180 and Detachment journey[/quote]

Can you truly say you're detached, here? Truly?


Just keep swimming
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I'm thrilled for you that you are having positive interactions, but would caution against reading too much into it too soon.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 347
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Sellout, it's great that you're having positive interactions. Sometimes it's those little victories that help us keep going. That said, I'm going to echo the others and caution you against reading into things too deeply right now.

We all come here feeling like our situations are unique and others just don't really understand things like we do. While that is true, it's also true that human behavior is human behavior. When you have been around these boards for a while, you'll start to see the same patterns repeat over and over again. The individual details and circumstances differ, but our stories are much more alike than they are different. No one wants to discourage you. No one will be happier for you than this group of people if you reconcile your marriage. Others are just looking out for you and trying to share the wisdom of collective experiences.

Problems that lead to marital separation and threat of divorce do not develop overnight. They don't resolve overnight either. It's a marathon and not a sprint. If your W came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to reconcile, your DB journey wouldn't be over. The problems that led to this point still have to be addressed and repaired or else you'd just find yourself right back in this same position later. There are no quick fixes. Reconciliation is just the beginning of trying to work out your issues cooperatively. DBing is a lifelong journey--not just emergency resuscitation.

It is very, very common for spouses to act as yours is doing and for there to be a lot of back and forth. It's neither good nor bad. It's just the way these situations tend to play out. If you read others stories on the boards, you will see it over and over. It has been my personal experience too. Again, this is not to discourage you. This could very well be the first steps of her turning back towards the marriage. Or it just might be part of the process. That doesn't mean it won't eventually work out. But you are signing yourself up for a potentially rough road if you continue to micro analyze every little move she makes.

The reason everyone tells you to detach is so you aren't obsessing over every interaction and trying to find meaning that may or may not be there. We have all done it, but it makes you crazy. Your marriage saving energy can be put to use in better places. Detachment doesn't mean you stop caring about your W or give up on the marriage. But you can't control the outcome here. Your W is going to do what she wants to do. Your power and control lies within yourself. Don't waste your time trying to mindread and overanalyze her. That will not help you bring her back. Just continue putting your energy into becoming a better man and husband that she will WANT to come back to. You don't need to understand what she meant when she commented on your clothing or sent you a text in order to do that.


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Anna, I just wanted to say that is one of the most well written and succinct explanations of DBing and detaching that I've seen! Every time I read about DBing and Detachment it clicks just a little bit more...and this time even more so. Thank you!

Sellout...hang in there!

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I was in your shoes once many moons ago, unfortunately i hate to break it to you those actions by her doesnt mean much. Mine went all out to buy me gifts and stuff when she was out of town even when we had been separated for months. Any chance she gets she wants to chit chat and talk (mostly about her life). The weirdest one was before we separated she wanted to have a quick peck or kiss before work. It didnt mean she was interested to get back together.

You've been friendzoned. It may lead to more or it may not. I'd say dont get too excited and just do you. Focus on what you want to do, what if you were not married or tied down. What ambitions or activities do you want to do etc.

In others words stop analysing everything she does. It lets her knows you are still into her.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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One thing Ive seen Sandi write about WWs is that while they dont really want you, they also dont want someone else to have you either. They really like that security of a Plan B. So when she sees you wearing new clothes or having plans, her curiosity is piqued, because she starts to wonder if there is a chance that she might lose you. That doesnt mean that she wants to be with you necessarily - but she could be feeding you a few crumbs to entice you to stay 'on the hook' for her.

Im not saying that youre necessarily on a bad path. What I do see from you is a LOT of confirmation bias. I believe that you want so badly to R, that you are interpreting every little thing she is doing as pushing you down that path. What we are trying to see is that the data you are getting is incredibly noisy, that its hard to show a trend in just a few days - watch for a few weeks; are you seeing continued behaviors that suggest a trend?

I would continue to advise you to read and reread some of the threads on detachment; you say you are working on it, but I read lots of posts about your W and the outcome of this, and not so much about your activities, your interactions with your child, etc. You say you are GAL and making all of these personal strides; share them with us so we can get a more well rounded view of you!

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Yes I just want to confirm similar behavior patterns. My W is so deep into her A right now but when the topic somehow comes up that I would be with another woman or date after the D there's a drastic change in her.

I will easily admit that I am not fully detached from my W yet. Its difficult to do when you are living in the the same house. If she fixes me an egg for breakfast I have remind myself this is the same woman that is about to walk out the door to see the OM. The only things that will start to make me believe she is changing is if I can see true remorse in her actions and there begins to be some pursuit of me.

I believe the small acts of kindness she shows now are just the leftovers of 25 years of companionship and feelings of familiarity in how she treated me throughout the M. You have to be careful to separate those things out.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
4 children
ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
Joined: Feb 2017
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Thanks for all of the great responses. Yes, I am trying to do a better job of not analyzing each and every thing that comes out of her mouth and what she is doing. When your entire world is shaken up by a catastrophic event like this, its hard not to think of every scenario, angle, etc.

Specifics about my GAL - gym (have lost 35 lbs and not starting to pack on some muscle. Have reconnected with some old friends, journaling, reading, become much more spiritual, therapy, group divorce recovery meetings, become more involved with son.

If I am understanding everyone correctly, the moral of the story is that I need to NOT worry about what she says and does. I get it.

Thanks.


Me: 38
Her: 33
Bomb: 1/6/2017
Separated: 1/10/17
Together: 16 Years
Son 12 Years Old
She and Son still at the house
Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times
Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
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