You had an extremely codependent relationship. Both of you. it worked when it worked, but it doesn't work now.
You had some pretty heartbreaking life-molding events happen in your early childhood. If I were you, I would spend all my time with my IC working through those. Focusing solely on you and not your W at all, quite honestly. I think when you work through your own personal issues, you will be much healthier ALONE and in a new R, when you are healthier alone. You are self-aware, which is a great thing.
I was abandoned in a way myself. My parents split when I was 17. My mother was a bi polar addict. She was clean for 12 years until my parents split, she relapsed and went rapidly downhill. She ended her own life when I was 21. My dad was my rock my whole life and he left the house and moved in with his GF (now W). even though he was emotionally there the best he could be from afar, I felt extremely abandoned. I had to drop out of college, get away from my mom and get my own place at 18. At which time I met my ex and I his crappy love was all I had and I clung to it like a lifeboat. He treated my so awfully, but I was afraid to let go because I felt like I had no one.
We went through IVF to have our first and only child. he began cheating in my pregnancy and left me when our daughter was 6 months old. I though I would never survive alone and with an infant.
I am now 36 years old. I have not really had a partner for 9 years. I have dated, but nothing serious. I am currently dating someone its probably my first real relationship. It's hard, but I think it will be worth it.
Point being, the fear of abandonment is real, but not a reason to stay with someone. I thought I wouldn't come out of this ok, but I did. The only one to soothe me or give me security has been me for so long. If I can do it, surely you can. There are many gifts in it.
I feel for you and your step daughter. You sound like a wonderful loving man.
I would strongly urge you, as difficult as it is, to do YOUR work. Don't worry one bit about your W right now. Time ot take care of and save YOU.
Ginger - thanks for sharing your story with me. I can only imagine what it felt like for you to go through that stuff.
I know I need to fix me. I think I resist it because I know it's going to hurt like hell to face my demons. The last thing I want is to feel how I felt when I was 10 years old. I would rather get hit by a car than to feel that stuff all over again.
Life just seems incredibly lonely without someone to love. Someone to share your day with. Share your thoughts and fears.
It's so backwards because alot of the time, I would not share my feelings with W because I feared maybe she would lose attraction for me. I started to share with her my fear of abandonment with her during the last 10 months we were piecing. On several occasions, she told me I was "stuck" with her and that her leaving days were over. She even told me this 10 days before she left again. Deep down, I don't think I really believed her. And in the end, she left again.
Life just seems incredibly lonely without someone to love. Someone to share your day with. Share your thoughts and fears.
First, learn to love yourself. Second, you will have relationships in your life again. What did I learn in not being in a romantic relationship for so many years? That there are relationships that aren't romantic where you can share yourself with others. Cultivate friendships.
You are 40. Once you do your work, some friends will come along, and one day, another romantic relationship. Your life isn't over. You'll miss that partner for a while, but its not the end all be all of life.
Yes I agree with Ginger. Not being in a R needn't equal lonely. Spending time with good friends, family & new friends can mean your life is full and happy.
It is unhealthy anyway to depend so absolutely upon someone...
Have you read or listened to Codependent No More? There is a work book too. If you get busy on Your Plan, your mind will have less time to roam to unhelpful places.
Now then. What about my gauntlet? 3 GAL activities you may want to try?? I haven't forgotten.. 😊
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Sotto - yes I have read Codependant No More. A lot of it pertains to me. Codependancy can be pretty complex and has multiple facets to it.
I met with my T yesterday and we spent the entire hour talking about what it would look like if I dated a healthy woman. I won't go into detail, but alot of what we talked about was eye opening. We both agreed I'm in no position to be thinking about a new relationship (I dont even have any interest in dating anyone else) but he was challenging my self defeating inner dialogue that I have with myself.
Last night when I came home I asked WAW what she was going to do regarding her D's bday party at the park this weekend (It's supposed to snow). She said she was swtiching the venue to a brewery up the street that had board games and things like that. Huh? A 10 year old's bday party at a brewery? So I asked if I could make a suggestion and said she should consider the bowling alley and that if she did all the arrangements, I would pay for it. Honestly, I just want D to have a fun bday and I'm not trying to buy W's love for me. W was friendly for the rest of the night.
This morning she's back to being stand-offish and distant. Something clicked for me as I walked out the door on my way to work. I'm going to survive this. I know everyone has been telling me this for a long time but I never could buy into it. I felt a peace and calm wash over me on my drive to work. I even thought of some of the good times I had with W and it made me smile.
I'm feeling strong today. I feel excited to embrace my independence. I'm sure I'll be whining about my broken heart in a few hours but, this is the first time I've felt a break from the pain since this all started a month ago.
I'm thinking about taking some trips by myself. I've never done that before and it never appealed to me to take a trip without a partner.
We'll see what happens. For now, I will enjoy the break from the anguish..
I'm thinking about taking some trips by myself. I've never done that before and it never appealed to me to take a trip without a partner.
I've started thinking about this too. One of my best buds is about to venture into DB'ing as his W is ready to walk away. We might end up doing something, but I like the thought of just going somewhere to think, outdoors.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Glad you had a good night, T. I agree there will be some bad ones in the future, but you have a couple of good days and they'll build on each other, and next thing you know it'll be a good week, then a good month.
Something clicked for me as I walked out the door on my way to work. I'm going to survive this. I know everyone has been telling me this for a long time but I never could buy into it. I felt a peace and calm wash over me on my drive to work. I even thought of some of the good times I had with W and it made me smile.
I'm feeling strong today.
Hello Thornton,
This is an amazing statement!
Keep focusing all of your time, effort and attention on being the best Thornton and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Love the idea of moving the Bday party to bowling instead of a brewery. Much more age appropriate for the Bday girl.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
w has been acting disrespectful to my parents now. We live in their house and she doesn't pay rent, I do.
My parents have always been there for her and have loved her like a daughter. My mom takes her daughter to and from school and babysits her free of charge until we get home from work.
I feel angry and I'm having to bite my lip. I'm not sure what to do but I have a problem with W openly disrespecting them.
Is she baiting, trying to get you or them to be the bad guy? If she's telling people that you're abusive, "and then he threw me and D out" would just be icing on the cake, wouldn't it?
