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(((25)))

I am so sorry!! Big hug to you!

The term "MLC" is a big question mark for me now. I believe in the unresolved childhood issues but I am questioning the "coming out of it".. I read your story, I look at ex-H's way of life, I look at others from the past and I do not see things the way I used to. Piecing for me would have been a HUGE mistake. Ex-H is cycling. Always has and probably always will be. I see OW(s) been treated the way he was treating me. I actually do not wish this on anyone. Not even them.. The secrets, the lies, the love and the anger.... you all know what I am talking about..

You were and are an inspiration. Sharing your update will help, not only you but many others. Your knowledge is TRUE WISDOM.. You are a beautiful soul whom I look up to!

I feel bitterness and anger toward your soon to be ex-H. I really wish your marriage would be HAPPELY restored. since it was not and he rinsed and repeated, I think it is better this way for you. You will be relieved of so many deceptions.

I am sending you love and positive vibes and a request to God to bless you and be with you in this time of hardship! xox

Keep sharing please. We care a great deal about you! smile

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25,

I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for the value that you bring to these forums. I am certainly grateful for the advice you have given to me and many other members of this incredible community.

I haven't read your thread in its entirety, but wanted to post to let you know that you are appreciated. Also, I hope that you have fully recovered from your stay in the hospital. Godspeed.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Dear LITB,

I so appreciate your words and yes, I'm better. The horrible causes were ruled out and so it's just an adjustment to the medications, an adjustment that is happening. And it's not permanent.

I think reading that cathartic tome of mine, will be even more of an achievement than writing it was.

I truly struggled with writing it all out - and then parsing what really mattered and what would help most to others and then finally just not editing or organizing anymore.

I put it out there. Not my best writing, but that's okay!

And LITB, people can and do change. People learn. If they didn't, you'd never have a recovered alcoholic.

Be well LITB


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
(((25)))

I am so sorry!! Big hug to you!

I appreciate your support. I really truly do.

The term "MLC" is a big question mark for me now.

It has long been a question for me & some others (see Vanilla's post on this thread). I thought h was in MLC for 2 reasons.

One, b/c I WANTED TO - b/c I somehow came to believe it was better than or more hopeful than any other option, and as far as I know there was no OW then.
But I've seen "MLCers" come back from affairs, only slightly less than those without.

But those without affair partners who actually leave - in my experience, tend to have more long run psychological issues, which I did not see in my h, then.

Second, I thought it was MLC b/c at least some of his behaviors were new and different from before.

Still, I'm just not sure how useful this ^^ info is. And now, 10 years later, the "new" behaviors of his only partly reverted. Some of the more responsible h came back, but within a year or two, some of the deceptions (not about Alaska) like about finances
were repeated, though I didn't know for a long time.

A lot of the new unappealing behaviors stuck around and morphed into being really more irritable and critical, 2 years after the "MLC" episode supposedly had ended.

Guilt converting into shame into blame? WHO KNOWS?

I'm tired of trying to figure out the motivation or emotions or plans of someone else.


I believe in the unresolved childhood issues

Well, they exist. I get that. My dad was a brilliant but alcoholic lawyer. So I read up on and learned about how that might affect me in adult life. I did that decades ago.

So many of us do resolve them - OR we don't impose our unmet needs from childhood, onto others. Bottom line, it's not acceptable for me to pick up this mess.


but I am questioning the "coming out of it".. I read your story, I look at ex-H's way of life, I look at others from the past and I do not see things the way I used to. Piecing for me would have been a HUGE mistake.

I understand the feeling you get when you begin to see things differently. I did for awhile but it was vague and I was afraid. Ironically after my mom died and that horrible series of events took place, was I aware of how much grief i really could stand.
That was why I KNEW I would not go back to Alaska...not given the givens.

But only after the hospital stay was I truly confronted with what I had, and did not have. And would never have. That was when the vacillation stopped.

As for piecing being a mistake, I assume you mean reconciling. Well, here's an anecdote that may resonate.

My uncle left my lovely aunt decades ago for OW. The OW was not his first but after the h of the OW, committed suicide, my uncle felt compelled to marry her and raise HER kids, not his own.

Anyhow, years later, the OW (now W#2) called my aunt to ask my aunt if Uncle was there!

meaning, he was cheating on the "new" wife too. And my aunt said it was truly then in her heart and head, that she knew how much more peace was in her life. No more stomach aches wondering if her xh was dead in a car crash or with OW or just really working late.

I think he did her a favor. BUT yes, I wish he had been a better man.

Likewise, I wish my h were a better man. The man he could have become, but did not.


Ex-H is cycling. Always has and probably always will be. I see OW(s) been treated the way he was treating me. I actually do not wish this on anyone. Not even them.. The secrets, the lies, the love and the anger.... you all know what I am talking about..

You were and are an inspiration. Sharing your update will help, not only you but many others. Your knowledge is TRUE WISDOM.. You are a beautiful soul whom I look up to!

I feel bitterness and anger toward your soon to be ex-H. I really wish your marriage would be HAPPELY restored. since it was not and he rinsed and repeated, I think it is better this way for you. You will be relieved of so many deceptions.

I am sending you love and positive vibes and a request to God to bless you and be with you in this time of hardship! xox

Keep sharing please. We care a great deal about you! smile




Thank you very much, truly


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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I am happy to hear that you are doing better. Especially glad it isn't permanent.

I think sometimes the unedited version is more authentic. It takes a lot of courage to share the difficulties that we encounter in life.

Like you said, people can and do change. It is amazing that when we encounter loss (M/R, job, the death of a loved one, etc.), it can be a motivational mechanism for change. You see it all over these forums from LBSes. I've also seen it from WASes.

I don't need to go on, because I'd be preaching to the choir. Essentially, this place is a blessing, filled with caring people willing to take the time to encourage complete strangers.

I'll be back to read your cathartic tome. In the meantime...((25))


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Sometimes D is best for everyone involved. I'm toying with that idea myself. My fWW are "reconciled" but to be honest, she has always seemed tainted to me ever since her A. I used to think so much more of her as a person. This version of her is not near as special. She's not necessarily doing anything wrong. She has been a model former wayward doing all the things that are prescribed of former wayward spouses but I'm starting to think "so what?"



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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Random song hit me tonight. A country song, actually.

"I wish you were a better man."

Yes that^^ is true. S30 volunteered unsolicited (& for me, hard to hear again) that his dad is "mentally ill and an a$$ho1e" and apparently h has had little to no contact with our children. Son thinks OW has kids, so that the "our family has been replaced".

I CANNOT believe this, not b/c it's impossible but b/c I CANNOT...h always loved them even when he was a jerk to me.

H Texted the kids the day after Christmas (though he sent money)...That is new, bad behavior.

So to my stbxh I would say "I wish you were a better man."


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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A few thoughts on anger. Anger is inevitable although rage is not.

Do not be afraid of anger, often we need anger. Anger is a prime emotion and motivating. Anger is part of healing grief, a stage in the Kubler Ross cycle.

Anger can be white, driving and pure. Anger can be the Alaskan snow.

Anger can be red with rage, anger can be bile coloured with envy, anger can be puce with disgust, anger can be yellow with determination and anger can be white with motivation.

Above all, anger is just anger. An emotion and it is needed. Anger can carry you through trying times, through the tundra of divorce fins. Anger can carry the key to the door of freedom, it can give you the energy to bust that rusty lock to sunlight.

I waited a long time for my anger to come and when it did it was not as I expected. It did not hurt my soul nor drive me to wickedness, it gave me steely determination and helped me act with direction. It protected my soul and self against the tide of abuse. Anger saved me. I know anger can be a good friend. An emotion for reason and in the right way a battle cry for truth.

Embrace anger when it comes, say hello and thank you to the warrior emotion who is on your side and gives you the grace to push away the obstacles in your path. Use anger in your movement to be D. You may need it's help to push through some dark days ahead.

Please know anger can be a friend.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Mach1
I still cherish the memories that we made together, and the children that I am a Father to that are one half of her...to dis-respect her, is to disrespect half of them too.

Funny that Mach1 brings this up as I think it is really a valid point.

One of the things that happened to me since bomb drop and divorce is that I did genetic testing.
You know the inexpensive kind used for ancestry and health.
It was so complicated that I could not understand it so
I took 3 free online classes in genetics and biology.

It has really helped me in realizing that my children are 50% their mother and I am 50 percent each of my parents,
so while we don't care for the ACTIONS of our spouse, we still have to honor the facts of why we are all here.

We love our children unconditionally and so too we must love our children's other parent.
Again the good old word DETACH comes into play and really trying to understand how to do that with love!

Yes LOVE is still a CHOICE and the fact that our partner chose a different path does not really matter with our path.
Of course we are so co-dependent and I can see that now so much more clearly.
I think that you know all the buzz words here and that YOU know that the focus you must keep is on 25yearsMLC.
Its hard, like J3B kept telling me is that it is a work in progress.
You keep doing it one day at a time.


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Quote:
It has really helped me in realizing that my children are 50% their mother and I am 50 percent each of my parents,
so while we don't care for the ACTIONS of our spouse, we still have to honor the facts of why we are all here.


I like this. It took me a while to come to this given the parental alienation going on. However, the children love her and I wouldn't take that away from them in any form, even though full custody is on the plate if I choose to pursue.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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