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Dawgs #2736502 03/28/17 03:47 PM
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leahsue Offline OP
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Hi everyone,
Back to Orange Theory Fitness today, and I beat my numbers from last week, so that made me so happy! I was seriously thinking I can't do this, it's too hard, but now I think I can.
I didn't talk much to H over the weekend, but we talked Sunday afternoon and he again mentioned coming down, possibly this coming weekend. I went to IC yesterday and that was good, since I had to skip the week before due to the flu. He called late yesterday afternoon and asked about coming down April 12-20! That's a long visit. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I asked if he would plan on staying here, and he seemed stunned for a minute, as if that were a given. Then he kind of stammered, well, yes, if that's OK with you. Between now and then, I'm going to work on keeping up my GAL activities, and start now practicing NO EXPECTATIONS. Light and breezy, kind and fun, no R talks. But I do think it may be harder for me to do that with him here that long as opposed to just a weekend. I just need to really get myself in a good, strong mindset, and allow myself to take breaks if I feel myself slipping. Any advice on other things I should be mentally working toward? I already read 37 rules every day, and I'm still working my way through others' threads and stories on here. I just finished going back through Psysara's, and I have to say she may be the poster child for DB! What incredible strength and determination! My hat is off to you girl, if you happen to see this. You are an amazing little spitfire of a woman, and he IS a fool to not be doing all he can to win you back.
This place has literally saved me these last few months. It is at the top of my list every single day of things to be thankful for. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Never heard of this back to orange thing - what is it?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2736523 03/28/17 05:59 PM
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leahsue Offline OP
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LOL. Jeep, you crack me up! It's a fitness class franchise. Google it-Orange Theory. You'd be very proud of me. After all, you planted the whole exercise thing in my head and wouldn't drop it so.... I DID IT!


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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I know it's an exercise thing, smarty. laugh I meant what does it involve?

And that rocks that you're doing so good and enjoying it...see, jeep can have a good idea once in a while... I am proud!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2736530 03/28/17 06:46 PM
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leahsue Offline OP
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Now wait, I didn't go all overboard and say I ENJOYED it. Hopefully I'll learn to. KevinIn said it gave his wife a hot new body, so there's that! It's a very intense, structured, class that is offered 5-6 times during the day, 7 days a week, and the classes last one hour. Half the hour is spent on treadmill with 3 levels of stamina requirements, the other half spent back and forth between rowing machines and weight exercises. You wear an arm band that correlates to a huge board where your exertion, heart rate, calories burned, etc are continuously displayed. That's the gist of it. Phone app makes it very easy to sign up for class, even on the day of, and also keep up with your progress. Another neat thing is every day is different, never the same routine so it's never boring.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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leahsue Offline OP
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I just re-read my last post and I think I made it sound like people go every day. Maybe some do, but even the coaches suggest every other day, especially at first. I don't think I'd be able to walk if I went every day. Oh, and the music is good and very loud. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Now that sounds like a good program... Don't kid me, you know you love it! After all, exercise is the single best feel good thing there is. An hour isn't bad. I could use a different program... I just started back on one a SEAL friend gave me. Hurts, but good stuff!

How are you doing? I mean, really?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: leahsue
Hi everyone,
Back to Orange Theory Fitness today, and I beat my numbers from last week, so that made me so happy! I was seriously thinking I can't do this, it's too hard, but now I think I can.
I didn't talk much to H over the weekend, but we talked Sunday afternoon and he again mentioned coming down, possibly this coming weekend. I went to IC yesterday and that was good, since I had to skip the week before due to the flu. He called late yesterday afternoon and asked about coming down April 12-20! That's a long visit. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Um, yeah that^^ is a very long time. Dang...if possible I would plan at least a moderate amount of GAL so you can get a break. (Anyone would need to) Geez, I might fake some just to get a breather. A bit of pleasant mystery too!

Plus, with that amount of time

I would THINK he'll do one of the following things (Or a combination) and once you have a general plan for these options, let it go and don't obsess or overthink...

So he may be probing to see how things go...whether you are very angry and can't get past what has happened, or will throw it in his face, hold it over his head, etc.

AND OR, he will bring up the R and ask You what you want, or if you want to reconcile.

OR he will try to own things and Then ask what you want.

Even though you have wanted a reconciliation since this all happened, in a way, the last option (Where he tries to own things and reconcile)

would be the most challenging.

I think your safest option, given that you do want to reconcile, (or might), delay. Take time to process what's going on. Tell him you need time to think about it and See how YOU feel, not how HE feels...it's not like he should rush you...

Make sense?



I asked if he would plan on staying here, and he seemed stunned for a minute, as if that were a given. Then he kind of stammered, well, yes, if that's OK with you.


Perfect^^^


Between now and then, I'm going to work on keeping up my GAL activities, and start now practicing NO EXPECTATIONS. Light and breezy, kind and fun, no R talks.


Remember that you are "busy meeting fascinating people, going to fun places and meeting new interesting people!"

Come to think of it, maybe that^^ ought to be your voicemail message... cool

point is, you're trying to fit him in, but you know, you've changed your lifestyle and rediscovered who you were AND are becoming. IF he wants more and you're not ready (and how can you be, so quickly and sort of out of the blue?)
maybe you can "get to know" each other over time...

IF he brings up your flaws or things he was pained by, AND IF you think they are valid,

it's okay to say that "if I had it all to do again, there are lots of things I'd do differently".

Shows willingness to change and some changes already, while not being a doormat to him.

LISTEN to whatever he says. But be ready to just show that you two can enjoy each others' company without dissecting the r.

Then maybe build on that^^...

But I do think it may be harder for me to do that with him here that long as opposed to just a weekend. I just need to really get myself in a good, strong mindset, and allow myself to take breaks if I feel myself slipping. Any advice on other things I should be mentally working toward?

It probably will be harder. Ironic, isn't it?

Anyhow, here's an exercise that helped ME, and might work for you. I got it from Marianne Williamson's book on forgiveness (might have "Fear" in the title). She's too new agey for some people but the practical parts really helped me. ANYHOW, I would turn my marriage or my pain/anger over to God (or the universe or whatever you see your higher power as)

and I'd say it out loud. "God, I turn my marriage/pain/anger over to you." By thinking it, saying it, hearing myself say it, many times in a row, I found myself calmer.

Of course, I'd do this in the shower or where no one heard me so I didn't seem crazy. I literally said it 20-50 times before I expected a call or visit from h.

There are others but that's what comes to mind at the moment.



I already read 37 rules every day, and I'm still working my way through others' threads and stories on here.--.
This place has literally saved me these last few months. It is at the top of my list every single day of things to be thankful for. smile



yes this is a great gift for many. Good good people help each other here.
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*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
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Leah, wow, just wow. You are rockin this DB thing like a boss! What is your secret? Have you dealt with the hurt of the betrayal, how is that going?

That is a long visit. It can be hard to DB for that long and "hold it in." If he wants to have R talks or talk about the past, just listen and validate. If he has questions or puts you on the spot, you can keep it vague. Let him know you have a lot to think about, things have been changing for you too, and you would like to revisit the conversation another time. It's okay to keep him guessing.

I agree with 25. Create plenty of your own time. I think before he comes, make some plans with friends, schedule your fitness classes, and on the other days get out for a couple hours, even if only for a walk or coffee, alone.

He needs to see you are not sitting and waiting for him. This will also give you space to let your emotions out or decompress! You may need that safety away from him.

Keep us posted! You got this!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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25mlc,
Thank you so much for the long, thoughtful responses to my musings. I intend to read it several times and let it all sink in. You make some very good points. I don't know if I posted this earlier, but when he first mentioned coming for a visit, after I thought about it for a few days, I said to him- you know, I'm ok with a visit, but I have some thoughts about it and would like to make sure we plan this visit keeping these things in mind. You told me a few months ago that you're not sure what you want in your future, and if I'm honest, I don't really know what I want for myself either any more, so I'm fairly sure we aren't ready to have deep, complicated conversations about how we got here, etc. I propose that we just plan some fun things, enjoy spending some time together, and see how that goes, no heavy discussions. He said, that is exactly how I'd like to see it go, also. I'd like for us to just start to get to know each other again.
So, at least we have covered that part of the visit- I'm not sure if the length of the visit will affect that, but I think it's a real possibility.
Another interesting twist tonight- when he called earlier my daughter was beeping in, and I said, oh it's D- you know today is her birthday so I probably need to get this. He said of course, in a very sweet way, and we got on off the phone. While I was talking to her, she said- wow, H is texting me. He said happy birthday, love you. I'm thrilled that he reached out to her (she's his step-daughter) and also find it interesting that he said love you to her. He doesn't say that to me yet. And as angry as she was at him at BD, she graciously texted him back and said "love you, too". That couldn't have been an easy thing for either of them, and I'm proud they both felt ok with it happening.
Jeep, how am I really doing? I had to think about that one. The week after BD I remember saying to someone, I just want to handle this nightmare with dignity and grace, no matter the outcome, and be able to look back on this knowing I took the high road and did my very best. I think I've done that, thanks in large part to finding this forum so quickly in. I've cried a million tears, felt despair so dark it was frightening, questioned everything I thought I knew about love and marriage and trust, but also I've grown as a person, expanded my horizons, and none of that would have happened if I were still stuck in my complacency with my own life. So all in all, I think I'm doing OK and going to be just fine, with or without H. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, but certainly a drastically higher percentage than even a month ago. Thanks for keeping a check on me. You've become a good cyber-friend, plus you keep me laughing. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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