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Hello All,

I've been viewing these threads for about three weeks now ever since the proverbial bomb dropping.

I have not read the DB or DR books because I'm not sure which direction I'm taking. I've read 100's of threads in both the New Comers and the Infidelity sections, but haven't been able to identify because of my particular sitch (I think) is so different. Coming here has helped me tremendously with how I've dealt with it in the short term. My feelings, as much as it hurts at the moment (I feel like I'm dying inside and theres a huge hole in my soul), I have to think about my happiness moving forward even if it's without my W, so I don't know if I want to face the uphill battle of reconciliation or just move on alone. My school of thought has always been to keep my family together and safe, but now seeing things differently.

This is a very long story, spanning close to 20 yrs. It's hard to tell it short.

Let me start by saying, I love my W very much....My 20 yr anniversary is next month and my W and I have 2 fantastic kids D16 soon to 17 and S14. I met my W in early 90's and dated for 3 yrs and then we married. We both had great careers, both in the financial industry and agreed that she would stay home when we had children. Just a background of our financials, after my D16 was born and my W stayed home my career took off and I did exceptionally well for the first 10yrs +- of our marriage. We were able to do what ever we wanted and wanted from nothing, big houses, nice cars, trips, ect. Like many, we were overcome by the economic downturn in 2008. Although I dont make as much as I did, we were able to scale back and still support our basics needs without loosing anything, but it was harder to maintain and it stressful trying to manage it. I wound up loosing my primary business in 2009. I started a second business in the late 1990's in advertising and my W and I run it supports us now.

OK, now the sitch.... early in our marriage, when my wife was still working this OM just popped out of no where. He was one of the higher ups in her company., (my wife's dept. supported his and they didn't work directly together) but I never heard her mention him before. It started out like they were just colleagues. In fact, I was introduced to him and I was in a couple of social setting along with his W. I felt something was up, but it was defiantly much to early to tell. Then one day out of the blue, my W called me and told me that she was on her way to get new tires and the OM knew a mechanic by him and that get her a good deal. I didn't think her car needed tires??? and then I got a call again that they went for ice cream afterwords. My back hairs went up, it was a little weird, she got the tires, she didn't get home late and she was totally upfront with me telling me where and who she was with. Again, being newlyweds and trying to be trusting I let it go, but it still made a mark on my conscience.

The OM was older (18yrs older than my wife) married, wealthy and had an apartment in the city, a beach house etc., etc. He was gray, about 50lbs over weight. I guess being a guy, I thought how could anyone be attracted to him.

My W and her former colleagues (6 or 7 of them, a mixture of both male and female, OM included) would always get together and go out in the city or plan a trip to the OM beach house or fishing trips, etc., etc.. They would manage to get together about once a month, sometimes more and sometimes less, it would vary over the years. I still had this feeling that something was going on, I would question her said I didn't like it and it wasn't appropriate, she made me feel like I was crazy and they were just friends. Plus, these get togethers were sporadic and I was still trusting. It was during this time I noticed that my W and I were progressively starting to fight more and our intimacy was starting to fade and we were drifted apart. At that point I thought it was only a EA and I didn't understand that an EA is just as bad as a PA. I started to give her a bunch of crap and it really started to effect the way I felt toward her. Ultimatums would fly, she would defend and I would be confused and convinced it was in my head. Sometimes she would let up, say she wouldn't plan trips with the "group" to the beach house, but ultimately she would defend it and say that they were ALL her friends and she wasn't going to let that go. Still thinking she's right and It's me the crazy one.

Throughout the years I found out that he came to my house when I was at work, they would talk for hours on the phone and were always emailing. Me, I was trying not to question because it was me that was crazy...... Around year 8 in our marriage, we were fighting a lot etc. very little sex or intimacy, I told her that this weight (OM) plagued our marriage and prevented us from being close. I was done... I made an apt. with an L. She pleaded with me and I gave in. Again, still thinking its me I don't have full proof and I'm crazy.

Over the years it really messed with my head and I wanted to prove to myself that it can't be me, so in 2010 I installed spyware on her computer and monitored her for 6 months. They did have some inappropriate emails, but they weren't anything you wouldn't say to a friend. I felt like sh@t spying. During that time I got the OM's number from my wife's phone and called him and left a VM, he didn't return it. then I texted him and told him that he'd better stay away from my W or he was going to have a problem. He did reply to my text with one word "done".

After the 6 months of spying, I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know what triggered it, but I told her. The sh@t hit the fan! She was so pissed and frankly so was I. I went to a hotel we exchanged very hurtful emails. She told me "good riddance" and emailed all her contacts that I was spying on her. I felt guilty of corse and came back apologetic still thinking more than ever it was me. soon after the W and I decided it would be best to go to a MC. We went for a few months before we decided to quit. We/I had one take away.... when the subject of the OM came up it was my W kept defending it was a friendship and that he was part of the "group" and I was preventing her from hanging with them and that I should get over it. Then the advise from the MC...... W would be upfront with me on dates and conversations she was having with the "group" that include the OM and I had to back off.... Looking back she got exactly what she wanted and I took the advise of the MC. It was then that we stoped going.

She/they continued to have their "group" get togethers both my W and I became biz partners/roommates no sex, no intimacy. If we discussed our marriage sitch together, it was contentious and I was at fault. By this time I had completely withdrew, but always thinking that it could of been me that was crazy...

Fast foreward early 2017, W and I are getting along, I'm getting the crazy thoughts out of my head. We went close to a year not having sex. It was difficult, but I made the move. We got closer , more intimacy and sex. It was great! I thought yeah it was me and maybe now I can get past it... W and I were on the right track....

Mid Feb, my W tells the fam that she is taking a trip down to our place in FLin March. Didn't really think to much about except we were all going down in April. Plus, my mom lives in the same development. So she books the flight for mid week first week in March goes down, shops for necessities for our place, spends time with my mom etc.. Friday early evening I called her no answer..... A couple of hours I called again, still no answer.... she text me back saying she's just got a massage and she's in a store. My W alway calls me back, that night radio silence... I'm a little PO'd, started to get those gut feelings. The next day she calls my kids and they put her on speaker. I didn't say anything (cause I'm still PO'd) her voice was different, more reserved... She calls my cell about 4 hrs later. I'm gulping all down trying to act like everything is OK, but she still has that reserved tone in her voice. She tells me that she's at the beach and I ask her what beach?..... she tells me that she's at a beach that's an hour away from our place, that she went to the store to get something and on her way that she went to buy something and she took a wrong turn and wound up there. I know my W and she's very smart, she would never do that. At that moment I knew she met him... I was devastated.

She returned back Sunday early evening I made a nice dinner with the kids and we went to bed. Although very difficult it was very hard to contain myself. I decided to confront her the following morning. "Did you meet up with him?" Presented my facts (all premonitions) but didn't tell her how I got my info. She probably thought I was spying on her again. She continued to deny and I left for the office. Later on she sent a text saying she did met up with OM, but didn't want to tell me fearing I would get mad. I texted her back saying that she wasn't totally forthcoming in her text and that in fact she spent that Friday into Saturday with him... She came home that night and admitted everything to me. Not only was this a EA but a PA as well............. About a week later I went through her emails and found a Valentines e- card form his saying "lets meet up " and flight confirms, they flew home together.

I can't even begin to describe my emotions since then. Every moment in the sitch was regurgitated... The fact is I was right all along but never wanted to be.I was PLAYED A FOOL!

I am soooooooo f@cked up over it, you have no idea! I told her that I want a divorce (for the first time in our marriage I really did). I can honestly say that this is been the worst period of my life. So many emotions are running wiled. Heart breaks, disgust, angry, you name it I got it. Every waking moment I have (haven't been sleeping) been thinking about this sitch and how I'm a trusting fool.

I raged for about a week and thankfully through the great info here I've been able to contain it. I'm still feeling my feelings but not raging. In the meantime I sent the OM's wife a very respectful letter telling her everything. Next thing I know, the OM calls me. He was so pathetic and narcissistic. He basically said that his W received the letter and as a result in a very bad way and I should not contact her. I couldn't believe it, he was telling me to stay away from his W when all along he couldn't do the same for me..... In short I told him no, I will continue to try to contact her, if she wants me not to I will respect that, but I got to hear it from her. I also told him that I better not ever see him and I hung up. His W did respond poor women. She told me that she was having a very difficult time with it, they are going to try to work it out and asked me to try as well. She thanked me for reaching out to her and asked me to please not tell anyone. I'm not sure if I can say case closed.

As for me and the W. I told her that I wanted to sell the house and split everything and that my concern now was ME getting through this and get happy. That I was willing to give so much more to a marriage but was prevented from doing so. I don't want to look back from this point and still be status quo. I told her first a separation and then an D. She told me that she did not want a D and we should work it out. What? I She said if I want to separate I can stay in the guest room.. I told her that will be her room from now on

Thank God for this site! Ive been going dark not much talking and not pursuing, trying to smile the best I can. She wrote me a card and it said.... she's been wanting to give this up for years, but couldn't and each time she felt more and more guilty and she was glad its out in the open. she thought that this was the "catalyst" and when we got through this point we could work it out. We all had some conversations. At first she was trying to justify it all with the way I was in the marriage (again, I'm the crazy one) for lacking in intimacy and kind words, but I wasn't going for it. She admitted that she was messed up from childhood with a mother that didn't perfect her. She alway pushed people away when they got to close including me. She also told me that the OM would tell her nice things and I wasn't about the sex.

Last night she crawled back in bed with me and she hugged me and said she missed sleeping next to me. So confusing!

If I'm spending the rest of my life with someone I need to be happy. Wake me up don't want to be played a fool again! Please help! Thanks


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Bomb Drop 3/5/17
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted By: FindAir
I have not read the DB or DR books because I'm not sure which direction I'm taking.
I've read 100's of threads in both the New Comers and the Infidelity sections, but haven't been able to identify because of my particular sitch (I think) is so different.

Sorry to tell you this but your sich is no different than 100000's I have read.

I suggest you start with a beginners mind and read DR and the links in my first post.

Keep posting here.


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What would be the harm in reading the books? You can decide later on if you want to be married or not. If you make this decision now out of anger, you may regret it later and not have another chance.

Interestingly we have children almost exactly the same ages and sexes. I have been on this path a while. It is devastating to the children. Consider that before you proceed further.

I don't mean to make light of this in any way, but it sounds a lot like Lady Di and Prince Charles and how she said there were always three people in the marriage. It looks like yours has been that way as well.

I had many years of actions and red flags I ignored. One of the hardest things for me, and I suspect it will be for you, is forgiving yourself for not seeing it. For not wanting to believe. I am telling you this now and I hope you remember it. It does not meant that you are a sap or stupid. It meanst that you have a kind heart and a good soul and you projected onto your wife your own goodness and that caused you to silence that voice inside of you that said that things were not right.

Forgive yourself, read the books, work the program, live as if you are moving on, but keep the door slightly ajar until you are strong enough to make that decision. Please do it for the benefit of your children, at least for now.

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Quote:
I had many years of actions and red flags I ignored. One of the hardest things for me, and I suspect it will be for you, is forgiving yourself for not seeing it. For not wanting to believe. I am telling you this now and I hope you remember it. It does not meant that you are a sap or stupid. It meanst that you have a kind heart and a good soul and you projected onto your wife your own goodness and that caused you to silence that voice inside of you that said that things were not right.


Very well said. I, too, had so many red flags that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Honestly, I wish I hadn't silenced that voice inside of me. However, it wasn't until after BD that I learned of all the abuse and how it is so woven into the very fabric of her being. Sigh. Oh well, it is what it is.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: FindAir

Last night she crawled back in bed with me and she hugged me and said she missed sleeping next to me. So confusing!


The one thing you've got going for you, is your W seems to be open to working on it - it's in your hands to decide if you want M or not.

In many of our cases our S has no interest in working on the M or are still in a confused state.

This is a turning point for sure in your R you can rise to the occasion and build a new Marriage with your W and your kids or decide to start all over again with someone different. Your happiness definitely comes first - so ask yourself can you be happy again (assuming changes are in store) with your W? Is there enough common foundation and shared interests there to capitalize on?


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Me too, me too! I did the same thing.

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Originally Posted By: FindAir
I have to think about my happiness moving forward even if it's without my W, so I don't know if I want to face the uphill battle of reconciliation or just move on alone.


Sounds like you havent been happy in some time.
What are you going to do become happier?

In my opinion, the answer to that question has nothing to do with your W or whatever you decide to do about your relationship.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Thank You!


M50 W46
D16 S14
Married 20
Bomb Drop 3/5/17
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