I believe that ones words and actions, or lack of, can help to heal another or hurt them.
That my lack of leadership and inability over the years to ensure the family's security and so remove the burden from my wife have contributed to or caused her depression, though that doesn't entirely excuse her of any blame for her actions.
I have always tried to protect my wife without question, falling out with close family at times. Additionally, when we met I made it very clear I was prepared to walk away to stand by her and; prepared to go to war with some very rich and influential people on her behalf. I would never knowingly hurt my wife but I just didn't understand the messages she was communicating until it was too late.
Vanilla, I still love my wife despite what I have witnessed of her in another man's arms in the front seat of our car kissing, hugging and who knows what I couldn't see. But I am deeply hurt in ways I cannot begin to convey.
I absolutely love my children.
I try to work hard to improve the situation but I fail when my wife goes out for the evening or night because, well, you know. It rips at my heart.
I am trying to lead us to a better life and this includes healing myself and my wife if she will let me.
I also discovered, unbeknownst to my wife, that she will need an operation which could result in serious invasive surgery.
I think she may be very scared about this and the psychological effects very powerful. I feel for her and I am extremely worried for her health and well being.
I want to lead us to happier times and I am open to learning.
I thank you Vanilla and all for your support and I will reply as soon as possible.
Please read my next reply to Sandi2 as I have some further questions that you may also have a view on.
trying to change many things but I get this and all of your points. Sorry for the short reply I have very little time and snails can get across a keyboard faster.
I hope you are in a good place and wish you well. James.
Sandi, I am so very thankful for your and everyone's help but I fear it is to late for me. I have never in my life felt so unhappy, alone, and desperate
Sandi, I am sorry for not writing sooner. I actually fell asleep on two occasions having started and yesterday finished a considered message only to press the wrong icon and lose it.
Since then things have become much worse and I don't know what to do and I am barely coping with it all.
Sandi, I am so very thankful for your and everyone's help but I fear it is to late.
Over the last few days I have said that I wish to returned to the main bedroom baring in mind the advice and because I believe that sleeping downstairs did not help the situation. In addition I asked my wife to pay for our child's school Club and when she said she had no money I said you could afford to go out for dinner yesterday( with the children) I actually returned to the bedroom last night as the night I intended I worked through the night and didn't want to disturb her when I returned. Anyway it seems my comment about the dinner pushed my wife to now want a divorce and yesterday she told me that.
She has been speaking with my brothers x wife who has encouraged her to do it giving advise and today she will have seen a solicitor. She has said when we have debated/argued that she would stop the divorce if I moved out. Today, while writing this I discovered that my daughters gym display was on at the last minute and when I arrived for it my wife was there (having taken time of work) with the parents of my daughter's best friend. The ones who have my daughter for sleepover on nights when my wife goes out.
I told my wife that her not telling me was disgraceful and argued with her friends husband when I thanked her for telling me. My wife remained with them for the display and we left separately. Later it became clear that they are instrumental in condoning her actions probably pushing her in that direction. The husband made it clear what he had always disliked me.
In answer to your questions, I was very clear but I struggled and the date was put back numerous times.
My wife did understand but I think in hindsight, for the last 5 years did not agree with my continuing and wanted me to get a job.
I didn't discuss my progress to avoid pressure.
I think my wife has made it very clear that she feels trapped by me trying to persuade her. She says I try to manipulate her and use emotional blackmail.
Along with these and other friends and family I am fighting a losing battle because she confides in them but will not talk to me about our issues, or see a professional with me.
Though I believe she has seen a therapist herself for depression over my working and or the marriage.
I always showed love for my wife and often told her I loved her. In our time together we were never apart and always held hands when out.
I do wish to change who I have become, our circumstances and be able to reverse our financial situation and take care of my Family.
I am apprehensive but willing to go outside of my comfort box and work on myself but there is much to do. I am really shell-shocked.
I am anxious and desperate but willing to try anything.
I have to say that advice from family who have talked with my wife is to see solicitors and start proceedings before I lose everything. They refer to the fact that I didn't go to mediators after my wife said she would delay and it now appears that I am unreasonable.
James, please reach out to someone near you. Your words concern me. It is not too late to get help. You are seriously depressed and need someone to talk you off the ledge where you currently stand.
It is difficult to deal with serious issues when we are in so much emotional pain. The emptiness and loneliness you feel today, is not permanent. Please, call someone......maybe a hotline.......but call and let someone know you need help right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lets start here. Give up this attitude. It is NEVER too late until you decide that this relationship isnt what you want anymore. Frame your thoughts this way: the marriage is already over; getting the legal divorce decree is only your way of reporting you relationship status to the government. So stop fighting against the state of being divorced as that isnt what will change your situation. Instead focus on healing YOU.
Originally Posted By: James66
Over the last few days I have said that I wish to returned to the main bedroom baring in mind the advice and because I believe that sleeping downstairs did not help the situation.
This is not why you want to return. It isnt as a means of 'helping the situation'. You should be in the MBR because YOU are the one fighting for this marriage. If she wants out, she can go. Why are you asking for her permission?
Originally Posted By: James66
She has been speaking with my brothers x wife who has encouraged her to do it giving advise and today she will have seen a solicitor. She has said when we have debated/argued that she would stop the divorce if I moved out.
Dont fall for that. She will say whatever she thinks you want to hear in order to manipulate you to get her way. Of course she wants you out; stringing you along with a potential for R is a great way to do it. Read back in BEClem's situation - he was out for 6 months and was never able to move back in.
Originally Posted By: James66
Today, while writing this I discovered that my daughters gym display was on at the last minute and when I arrived for it my wife was there (having taken time of work) with the parents of my daughter's best friend. The ones who have my daughter for sleepover on nights when my wife goes out. I told my wife that her not telling me was disgraceful and argued with her friends husband when I thanked her for telling me. My wife remained with them for the display and we left separately.
Why is it your wife's responsibility to tell you these things? Is she your mother? You should start to take a more active and proactive role in your kid's life. Get the newsletters. See whats going on with her.
Originally Posted By: James66
I think my wife has made it very clear that she feels trapped by me trying to persuade her. She says I try to manipulate her and use emotional blackmail.
Sounds like she's telling you to stop pursuing her. Same kinds of things we're saying to you. Back waaaaaaaay off.
Originally Posted By: James66
I always showed love for my wife and often told her I loved her. In our time together we were never apart and always held hands when out.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? I think it may be eye opening to you.
Originally Posted By: James66
I do wish to change who I have become, our circumstances and be able to reverse our financial situation and take care of my Family.
These are words. Where are the ACTIONS to back that up?
Originally Posted By: James66
I am apprehensive but willing to go outside of my comfort box and work on myself but there is much to do. I am really shell-shocked.
I am anxious and desperate but willing to try anything.
Have you ever been on an airplane? You know what they say? Put on your own mask before helping others. If youre a shell of yourself, youre of no good to anyone. So you cant have a healthy relationship until YOU are healthy. What are you going to do to heal? No 'try's. What are you going to DO? And WHEN?
Originally Posted By: James66
I have to say that advice from family who have talked with my wife is to see solicitors and start proceedings before I lose everything. They refer to the fact that I didn't go to mediators after my wife said she would delay and it now appears that I am unreasonable.
Have you read DR? Theres a large section about family and therapists giving advice. Most just want to tell you what you want to hear to feel better.
In my opinion, if you dont want a divorce, dont file for one. Simple as that.
