advice please

[CW2017]

Hi all
my original posting it bears no real relevance to my query with you kind people today

by way of quick summary, this is my current situation and I have decided to maintain this current status quo for the sake of my 7 year old daughter. As all my "evidence" are combined cell text messages I would rather reserve those for a lawyer (not that I want to press the self destruct button on the marriage just yet). I will only confront due to unforeseen mistakes/flashpoints on their part. Obviously in an ideal world I would like it to fizzle out as we are still very strong as a couple (my choice again to maintain this). I have to get on with healing for now:
(a) D Day at New Year
(b) two amicable confrontations with an admission of half truths on her part; however she now thinks I've "moved on" from it, i.e. she hasn't got a clue what I know
(c) workplace emotional affair gets heavier (not quite full physical yet but there or thereabouts if you count groping in a disused laboratory - I kid you not!)
(d) home life unchanged (because I have been making a herculean effort as a man/husband, we are more intimate than ever and particularly in the bedroom although I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons for this)
(e) specialist councellor agrees that in this particular situation I should just play a waiting game either way (I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't) as I value the marriage so much (20 years this August) although I appreciate it will now have to be a different sort of marriage

My question to you guys today is quite a simple one: I have been through the shock, medical consequences, disbelief, depression and, more recently, acceptance (kissing and then touching someone else and what they think is the real thing after 3 months). However this week I am experiencing a new emotion: outright anger. I don't think I've seen this in many of the self-help books but I'm thinking it might be a reaction to conversations they've been having about taking it away from the workplace (they've been having clandestine country lunches, they want to socialise with work colleagues, etc.)

thank you all again

[JRuss]

Rage is a completely normal -- and necessary -- phase in your healing.

[CW2017]

thank you sir!

[JRuss]

This book doesn't compete with DB, so I think I can recommend it here without violating any rules, but grab a copy of ... It really helped me. You should get it on your Kindle or other device, though -- as the title telegraphs things more obviously than you sound like you want to were it to be seen lying around.

Hang in there. It is a very hard road.

[CW2017]

think I'm also still a bit confused mentally about her choice of a dual existence although having said that I feel a lot stronger now having realised I inhabit the moral high ground (took a while to get there)

[25yearsmlc]

I'm very sorry you are here. It's a tough road.

but let's look at your situation a bit more b/c being a victim of her "wrongness" is NOT going to help you.


See, I'm Not sure why the "moral high ground" helps you. Helps you what? Legally??

I say this NOT as an attack on you but b/c it makes you powerless.

and You are powerless if you have nothing to work on in yourself and just say

she's wrong and you've got the moral high ground and - and - and -

and what??

What would SHE say if she were here?

What are you working on to become the best man you can become? Are you increasing your time with your d, b/c no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her child with her dad. (Plus it's the right thing to do.)

How are you becoming a man only a fool would leave?


These ^^ are the empowered choices you can make. Not so much about being "right".

[CW2017]

Hi
only mentioned the moral high ground because it helps me eliminate any negative thoughts that creep in, no more than that. I am past the obsessing stage now. I treat each day as a one off in all senses which also applies to how I step up in all departments.

[25yearsmlc]

"negative thoughts" about what you want to work on, or about her?

How does feeling morally right help you avoid the negatives?

(To be clear, yes I think she's wrong to have an A. But she is not here working on the m.)

The focus has to be solely on your own work and all I've read about so far is what SHE is doing with OM or IF she will have a PA, etc.

where does that leave you? Why are you not in this equation? Hence the question -

What are you doing to become a man only a fool would leave?

[25yearsmlc]

can you answer the earlier questions about what she would say if she were here?

And what you want to work on in yourself?

[CW2017]

negative thoughts about all aspects of the affair

if she were here you would get no admissions whatsoever apart blame shifting presumably

you have certainly given me food for thought concerning my own actions, yes I must be more proactive than just presenting a superconfident individual