Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #4

[Woke_Up]

An in house separation is the worst of all worlds.

How about an update?

There's little change to report. Things have been up and down. Not too many major arguments. W is full on back in her EA.

We did some garden work together on Saturday, went for a walk with D5 on Sunday, It was my birthday on Monday, we did family stuff. W had the kids up and had them bring me presents and breakfast in bed (Monday was a public holiday in the UK, so no work).

She even gave me a card saying 'To my foxy husband' and gave me some of the gifts from her, even though I'd said just to get me things form the kids. She signed her card with 'lots of love'

But it is all meaningless. Why would she even do this? Have I pursued recently? Maybe, just a tint bit. Have I offered tough love? No. Am I enabling? I guess so.

Have I snooped - yes. Since I decided I wanted to sell the house and get things moving, I wanted to know what I'm up against. I know I shouldn't, but I'm me. It's just the usual, professing love to the OM, but then telling him he should come across to visit, come to the county where we live... This is making me mad.

I do not want that guy near my home or my kids. If he does, there will be blood spilled.

I am planning on taking legal advice to see if I can keep him away.

I will also push ahead getting the real estate agents in to value the house, as I don't think W will do anything to move it forward - she says she thinks it is the wrong move, and it is the childrens' home. But she can offer no realistic alternatives.

For my GAL I manage to train Krav Maga 1 night a week. My online training expired before I finished the course so I need to pay to extend that. And now W has asked me to get home on time so she can go running in the evening, and always likes to take a shot at my 'leisure activities' when we argue about time available... yes, my 3 hrs per week.

That's pretty much it.

I have one more DB coaching session to go, but I don't think I am going to make any radical breakthroughs. I haven't given the apology letter yet, and I am in 2 minds about it. It seems like I am almost taking responsibility for the whole sitch, and that W will see it as me admitting guilt, rather than just me taking ownership of my faults.

It's a hideous limbo.

Trying to think what my 180's should be.

[Woke_Up]

So, after a pretty good weekend, most things going OK, positive interactions, and even ML on Saturday morning, today, just before bed, we had a rage fest.

W said house prices were dropping, so I said we should sell the place fast. Then ensued a massive argument about taking the kids' home away, she wanted all the money, I had a good job she had nothing.

Threatened to stay in the house, threatened to get me out. Threatened to go to America with the kids. Threatened to marry OM and get pregnant so the courts would come down in her favour, when I said she couldn't legally take my daughter out of the country without my permission.

Threatened that I won't get joint custody.

Said I was selfish and using my kids, when I said I needed to be able to make sure I could provide a stable home for them, and I would need some money for a deposit.

She doesn't want a mediocre life, apparently. I said she was just being entitled, and that unfortunately when people split up, that everyone ends up worse off.

On my side, I told her that OM is not to come near my kids, and if he comes to England, blood will be spilled. Bearing in mind this guy has previously threatened to beat me up and actually kill me...

Told her I would seek a clause of not introducing new partners into the custody arrangements. Probably should have kept my powder dry on that one.

So she wants me out of the house (says she will find a way to afford it), or wants all of the money from the house, doesn't want me to have joint custody, wants to take my kids away if I don't play ball.

At the moment, I don't even want this woman near me.

[Gordie]

Woke...your posts always break my heart. Your situation is so excruciating. If she is threatening to take the kids, you've gotta lawyer up. What if one day you come home from work and everyone is gone?

[Woke_Up]

Gordie

I'll grab D5's passport tonight and put it somewhere safe until I arrange a safe deposit box.

I'm also going to speak to a friend - his partner used to a family law barrister, so I can get some advice and maybe pointed towards a good lawyer.

This [censored], big time.

Yeah, she sent a message to apologise this morning, but how I can't trust that any more than I can trust anything she says.

I understand the meaning of anxiety now.

[sandi2]

So sad to read. I bet you never thought she could be capable of this level of selfishness and hatefulness.

Be very, very careful what you say to her. Arguments will cause you to say things that come back to bite you hard. She will use everything she can to get what she wants.

Please do not make threats about the OM. She will do things out of spite....just to show you she can. I don't know the laws there, but where I live, it's not that easy to place restrictions on who your ex introduces to the kids. I think you can restrict "sleep overs". Anyway, find a lawyer who will work for a father's rights.

[Woke_Up]

Well, not much has changed since my last update. W apologised the next day by text and said she didn't mean it.

I have taken D's passport and put it somewhere safe.

Things have been mostly OK with minor arguments. Last week, W was going on about how she wanted 100% from the sale of the house, I didn't need anything as I had a good job. The kids liked the house. Then she said she could have the house, she would find a way to pay for it. I said she would have to figure out how to do it and to talk to the mortgage company to see if it was even possible, as she would need to get me off the mortgage, as she wouldn't be having me liable if she couldn't pay. She looked a bit perplexed, don't even think she'd thought that through. She's not good with money, so I don't trust her. She also told me I'd done everything wrong in this situation. I said I'd tried everything from ignoring it to trying my damnedest to end the EA and nothing had worked and I didn't think anything would have worked. She couldn't really answer that one. Later I told her not to do anything that would risk our children's future. If she married someone else, they could have claims on her stuff. She said it was never going to happen, and then waggled her little finger, indicating penis size... OM is not blessed in that dept, not that it matters to this whole mental situation.

I've been having some screwy dreams lately, I don't usually even remember dreams. Last one ended with me slashing OM's throat with his own knife. Disturbing.

W has moments of closeness, random hugs, cuddles kisses, and on a couple of occasions, when D5 has been cuddling us, she has said 'cuddles with 2 people I love'. Other times she has been cold and distant.

I'm meeting my friend for lunch on Friday, and will hopefully get some advice, maybe some recommendations for an L, as I have t sorted that out yet. I don't want to use the local one I talked to, as it is hard for me to get there while working away in London. I want a specialist anyway, someone who is used to dealing with crazy situations, and can help ensure that my children are kept safe and at least ensure joint custody.

I also found out that MiL obviously knows more about this than W letvon - MiL was giving S16 her iPhone as a present, and I saw a message from W to MiL saying she needed the pictures back from her phone before she gave it to him. MiL sent her pictures of OM, including the (tiny) penis pic! Talk about collaborating. I guess W did it for safe keeping in case I deleted anything from her phone again. (Like she deleted all of her messages to me from my phone).

It doesn't look like MiL has even tried to talk sense into W. Blood is thicker than water, as always.

I'm not detached yet. I'm having better days, but sleep is still not great. I get home late, bath and read with D5 (her reading is coming along so much, fills my heart to hear her), eat, and then it's time for bed. Then my mind wakes up, and the demons have their little play with me. I still keep wanting to contact OM, keep trying to end the EA, make him understand it's all a bunch of lies, even though O know, I bloody well KNOW it won't work. I've resisted so far.

We've had the house valued by 3 real estate agents, all pretty similar valuations. In the meantime, W is often talking about long term things for the house. Today she messaged me to say her beauty therapist was interested in paying us to keep her horse on our land, which would involve us buying a stable and getting some paddock fencing!

Day by day. Hour by hour. I went in the garage last night and hit the heavy bag for a bit. That helped. Need a rethink on my GAL to fit things in with the limited time available. Detach. Distance. Observe. That will be my mantra.

[Woke_Up]

Journaling:

Last Friday I had lunch with an old friend. He was pretty adamant I just need to get out, and pretty much stop being such a pushover. He is also my mortgage advisor, so could help me with any future needs. He did point out that my W's occasional comments of her having the house are just a pipe dream as the mortgage company would not put the mortgage in her sole name, as she has no way of paying it. And while my name is on it, I am liable, if she did stop paying it.

We then bumped into his partner outside the office. His partner pulled even fewer punches. He used to be a family law barrister before he had a change of career.

We discussed the likelihood that my issues keep putting me in these situations - codependency, fixer, neediness, lack of boundaries. That I should not have tolerated any of the lack of respect, even to the point of throwing her out, and letting her call the police! He agreed I need to get out, but to be in control of the process. Get a good lawyer before I get a good counsellor, get all of the advice and options laid out, and the push the button if that's what I decide.

Do some introspection on why I let myself be treated this way. He remembered the bad times we had had in the early days of our R, and he had said then that her personality was formed in childhood and would be unlikely to change as an adult.

His bad news was that in the UK she would probably still get full custody and I would get contact, which could be as little as every other weekend and one night a week! I'll fight that tooth and nail, but he said with my current working arrangements and her being a SAHM, that it wasn't looking good. If we were actually married she would also probably get 100% of the house, but as we aren't, it may be slightly more favourable. To be honest, custody and contact is much more important to me than how much I get from the house.

The weekend was Ok. I was fairly busy, took D to ballet, played with her in the park, then took her with me when I did the supermarket shop while W did some other stuff. Did some work in the garden later. Sunday also OK. Had wax with W in the morning, and it was a lot more satisfactory than last time. Decided it was just sex, and nothing more, and got a bit more into it. Anyway, rest of the day was fine - shopping with D5, trip to the hardware store, bit of work around the house and garden.

Mostly civil with W although sometimes she is still snappy and rude for no reason. On Sunday she asked if I thought we should get the house on the market, so I said I guess so.

At other times she has still talked about her so called 'mind control' from OM and also that she just wants him to give up and move on, that surely he won't Persia for ever. I'm just interested in keeping him away from my kids if possible and ensuring he doesn't jeopardise their future by getting his claws into W once she has money from the house sale. Not sure I could actually prevent anything, just make sure W knows the risks of doing something stupid... she says she won't risk the kids future.

So this week has been friendly houseguest. Contact with W is sporadic. Sometimes texts during the day, sometimes not. Not much conversation at home, still quite often tense when there is. She still wants me to buy her stupidly expensive items for her birthday. Not planning on it.

Stil haven't done my last coaching session. Found it to be too formulaic. Will see how things progress. I'm searching for jobs closer to home. Trained on Tuesday, really good session. Reading every night with D5 before she goes to sleep. W pretty much abdicates once I get home. Sometimes she has cooked dinner for me to beat up, sometimes not. She is still obsessing about her appearance, her hair, dieting. I think I shall start eating on the way home, free up my time once D5 gone to bed, give more chance for some GAL or self improvement. I still want to be the man only a fool would leave, even if I end up not wanting her back. I'm getting better at identifying those areas I need to work on.

[Woke_Up]

Spell corrections:

'had wax' = had sex
'Persia' = persist
Dinner to 'beat up' = heat up

[Woke_Up]

Journaling

So, had a nice long weekend away with D, visiting my parents.

Didn't tell my parents anything.

Posted pics to W, and at one point she texted back that she loved us both.

One afternoon she phoned me just to rant. I'd actually put some tools away that apparently she had wanted left out, so she started being disrespectful. I ended up hanging up the phone on her and then ignored her from then on.

Later I posted a pic of D5 to her, and she responded with an apology for the argument.

Anyway, got home on Monday evening, and immediately it wasn't good - W started moaning about the place being made untidy after she had cleaned it all, while I was still in the process of unloading the car.

Back to work on Tuesday, D has ben sick, and has been coming to my bed in the night. Not great for sleep.

More worrying is that last night W started making a scene about it, saying it wasn't right, and that she shouldn't be in a bed with her father (this is a super king size bed and I put a pillow down the middle so she doesn't kick me). W even demanded that I show her I was wearing pyjamas. This is pretty sick and I'm worried that she will start throwing accusations about. I'm documenting everything now, and think I will need to start carrying a voice activated recorder on me again.

Other than that, she continues to argue about loss of the MBR and the bed, continues to deny her EA is an affair, and refuses to discuss selling the house.

I put her wages in her account on Wednesday, and she promptly blew them buying her own birthday presents from me and the kids, spending much more than I would have. Then saying she only needed to get some more Botox and her beauty treatment was done. Then saying she had no money left.

So no money for tax saved again this month, as I will be picking up the tab for the rest of the food shopping, plus SS16's birthday presents (he turns 17 tomorrow, so I will be buying him a cheap car and some driving lessons - W agreed to the car, I probably would have waited until he had at least passed his test).

My friend didn't come through with the name of a good lawyer, so on Monday I will just have to bite the bullet and find one, and hope that they are good. I really need to figure pout how to separate the finances and get things moving.

I am also going to have to stop sleeping with her. She was claiming she felt pregnant again on Tuesday, and by Wednesday was claiming that I had been pressuring her for sex again - she then asked why I was laughing, and I told her that it was so ludicrous because I had made sure that she had asked the last few times. She didn't like that, tried to deny it, and then made some pathetic comment about doing me a favour or something like that.

One other development - she has started a part time job, waitressing at a local pub (same one where S16 works). Doesn't pay a lot, and I will have to talk to my accountant, as I already pay her up to the tax free allowance through my company.

Last night she did say she wasn't doing it for the money (doesn't pay much) but was doing it to get her confidence back and to stop people telling her she needs to get a job. However, she also needs to rely on people to look after D5 until I get home from work. MiL is doing this week, but can't do next week.

She also started complaining about my GAL when I said I would train on a night that didn't conflict with her job, and asked me how much it cost. (£35 a month.. probably an order of magnitude less than her Amazon habit at the moment). I did tell her that her job was just as selfish as my GAL as it was something she was doing purely for herself.

It's hard to detach, harder to drop the rope when someone is spoiling for a fight so much of the time. We are both trapped by the financial situation, but she doesn't see it that way. She sees only herself as being trapped and being 'bent over a barrel' by me.

But she won't even take the steps to speak to the mortgage company or a lawyer. I think she knows that she wouldn't get the mortgage in her sole name, and despite her repeating over and over that they won't throw her out when she has children, I had to tell her that banks don't work like that, and they repossess houses all the time.

75% of the time she is not pleasant to be around, 25% of the time she is nice. Sometimes she tries to talk about her EA, saying she is being manipulated. Hoping that he will get bored and go away. Last time I told her that I didn't want to hear it.

And when we had the argument mid week, and she told me I would never get her back by treating her the way I was (MBR) I had to tell her that I wasn't trying to get her back any more. That our R was dead, and had been dead a long while, and I wasn't going to beg or crawl. That she would have to do work including counselling - which she refused flat out, saying she was smarter than any counsellor, and it was just a practice by losers to take money off people.

I'm starting to read 'No More Mr Nice Guy' to see if that helps me with NGS/Co dependency. I'm worried about the money needed for counselling now that she has been blowing it all again.

I'll report back soon, once I've spoken to a damn good L.

[Woke_Up]

So. Had SS17's birthday on Saturday 3rd. Had a pretty good day - picked him up a cheap car and took him out for his first driving lesson.

On Saturday W let it drop that she had estate agents coming in all day to photograph the house and put it on the market. She hasn't discussed this with me. I told her she should discuss things like that with me first. I'll be honest, it annoyed me.

Spoke to some friends who suggested i just roll with it and let her be happy with it being her idea.

In the end, I didn't go to work on Monday - my office is in London Bridge and had been on lockdown following the latest terror attack. I worked from home. W said she did t want t leave her home, that she and the kids loved it, and then asked me to cancel the estate agent, which I did.

She then started talking about paying off the mortgage early, me getting a job closer to home, and spending a lot more time around the place.

Ive been having bouts of sadness and anger, worse late at night, so not getting as much sleep as I should. On Thursday I had another day at home due to the rail lines being blocked - still spent 4 hrs on the train though. I did get too go with W when D5 had her swimming lesson, which was nice. Then W had work at her part time job on Thursday and Friday.

Friday night I slipped and went into her room to see her and tell her that I didn't think it was fair or right for her to be carrying on this EA while telling me she thinks she might be pregnant ( she wasn't) or asking me to make long term plans.

I tried the appeal to her higher self as suggested by my DB coach, saying that she knew right from wrong, and that she could still do the right thing.

She didn't want to talk about it, wouldn't look me in the eye. Said she was confused. Said OM was her "only friend"... I called BS on that one, told her it wasn't true, but that she was alienating herself from people, spending too much time watching things on YouTube that depressed her and then talking about them with him.

Saturday W took D5 camping for a night. I took S17 driving then he went to stay at a friends jouse, so I had some time to myself. Worked in the garden, walked the dog through the fields in the sunshine, lit an outdoor fire and had a 1 man BBQ - also got 7 hrs sleep!

Sunday, was up by 7, walked the dog, did some more garden work, then W and D5 got home at 10am. W was hungover, so went to lie down. I slipped some more and snooped at her phone and saw the first thing she did was Skype OM when she got home. I managed to suppress my anger and focused on having a good time with D5. Played a lot with her, did some painting. Took her out to a garden centre where I bought some rose bushes and she chose a miniature apple tree.

Sunday night I slipped again - W went to bed early saying she needed an early night, and was going to listen to something and fall asleep. As I waslked past her room, her light was still on, nothing playing on her phone, and I could hear her laughing at some point - so I knew she was skyping OM - I went in again and did exactly the same as Friday. Told her that it couldn't go on like this. She asked if I wanted her to just leave with nothing - I said I wasn't asking her to leave, but if she was asking me to make long term plans then she had to put her money where her mouth is. I left it at that, kept it short, and went downstairs.

Not long later she came down again - asked me to go outsidwbith her and put the animals away. We fired a few arrows together in the wooded area where the archery targets are set up. Walked all around the garden, both agreed that it was lovely and that neither of us wanted to leave. We then sat together on the patio and shared a beer.

When she went to bed again, we hugged, held each other tightly, but didn't speak, other than to say good night.

Today there has not been much contact. Couple of texts from her, in response to mine, but hours after I'd sent them.

So... I will stop pursuing, as I think I have become a bit needy again when she is around, trying to get hugs or kisses from her. She responds, but I will let her initiate - she does on occasion.

I will ease up on the texts - DB coach had said it was OK, if I was trying to build up a connection and it wasn't R related - however, it seems she is pulling back at the minute.

I speak to the damn good (expensive?) lawyer tomorrow - telephone consultation, initially. Recommended by my friend, the former barrister. Specialists in family law and complicated situations, so the Issues with her working for my company and her threats to take D to the US can be discussed.

Still feeling out of control, 10 months nearly since BD, 6 months since finding this forum. I'm having more better days than I was though.