Right now, your wife's mindset is that she has both you and her boyfriend and that's what she wants. If you're not already plan B, then you'll be plan B soon enough. I think you should immediately invoke Sandi's 37 rules and forget about having a normal Valentine's Day (that would be an exercise in cake eating for her).
So I now have all the evidence I need (it has also been screeengrabbed into a Word file as backup).
Wow. Two things. Make copies and put one in a safe place. Give one to your lawyer as you will need it. And confront her. Now that you have proof, your road has drastically changed.
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It would of course be nice to get Valentines Day out of the way first (I have spent quite a bit so as to appear to be a "normal" husband).
Why? Honestly, why wait? She doesn't care about you in that sense, so why put yourself through it?
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Based on other threads I have read here I guess in essence the marriage is over? I think it's worth fighting for but it might have to come after they get it out of their system where the reality and ups and downs of a real relationship replaces the fantasy one
It most definitely it over and it has been over for much longer than you think or care to admit. You have proof of the affair. There isn't room in her for two, and guess who isn't included. The question you need to be asking yourself is how and why - how are you going to go forward and why would you fight for someone who has no inclination to fight for you?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
And confront her. Now that you have proof, your road has drastically changed.
Slowwwwww dowwwwwwwwn.
Confronting by itself is a dangerous game. It could shut the affair down. It could be the moment where she says 'screw you' and flings the A out into the open. How are you going to handle being with a woman who will be flaunting her R with another man in front of you?
Im not saying confrontation is BAD. But, by itself, it isnt that meaningful. You need to get your ducks in a row first. Make sure you have a clear plan in place about what you want, what you will accept, what you will do, etc.
She will TEST you at every turn once its out there. If you arent strong enough, you will get crushed.
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Why? Honestly, why wait? She doesn't care about you in that sense, so why put yourself through it?
Im not sure your confrontation needs to be before Valentine's Day. But I wouldnt go 'all out' as it sounds like you are planning.
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It most definitely it over and it has been over for much longer than you think or care to admit. You have proof of the affair. There isn't room in her for two, and guess who isn't included. The question you need to be asking yourself is how and why - how are you going to go forward and why would you fight for someone who has no inclination to fight for you?
This is totally against everything in DB/DR. Of course your marriage is worth fighting for. That said, the marriage that you had is dead. Your W isnt going to choose to stay in the marriage if it doesnt evolve into something better. And to do that, YOU need to be the one to start the change.
Have you read Sandi's rules? If not, print them ad paste them to your forehead so you'll remember them.
Confronting by itself is a dangerous game. It could shut the affair down. It could be the moment where she says 'screw you' and flings the A out into the open. How are you going to handle being with a woman who will be flaunting her R with another man in front of you?
Versus not confronting and letting things go? One should stand up for their self and confront - unless weakness plays a factor... If he confronts, he needs to be ready to back the "or else." Otherwise, he will become the world's biggest doormat. Either the affair will be allowed to continue, or not. If he doesn't care if the affair continues, then that is a whole different kettle of fish in its own right...if he is ok with being her toy, then don't confront and let it go. Otherwise, grow a pair and stand up for one's self and say either the affair or me, but not both. But, if that route is taken he must be ready to walk away and file or whatever.
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Im not sure your confrontation needs to be before Valentine's Day. But I wouldnt go 'all out' as it sounds like you are planning.
Ok, so what is the meaning of V-day? Granted he doesn't need to do it before then, but he most certainly does not need to go for a romantic thing when she is involved with someone else.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi all on the subject of whether I am indeed now Plan B, this may well have been building up over the years (I always thought she was less than enthusiastic about anything connected with my 50th birthday at the time a few years back but that could be just be a personality trait of hers, i.e. I was getting too much attention from other people, who knows....). My query is basically if my status with her has changed more recently, would there necessarily be a change in her behaviour towards me? She has an absolutely fantastic poker face (which helps when you a pathological liar). More specifically as there is no potential in her workplace setup (and reduced working hours contract) for taking it to the physical stage (although I will be monitoring the situation closely) would any frustration with that also manifest itself? thank you again
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
PS this may well be a pointless question but are there certain ways I should be "nice" (rather than "nasty") to my wife so as not to push her to consummate the relationship more quickly as that would really devastate me. All texts being swapped on the subject are all of the wishful fantasy type. I have decided not to indulge in any evidence based accusations at least until after I've had my first therapy session in a couple of weeks (have never done this sort of thing before, it is more to do with a personal plan for myself). As stated elsewhere here, the best thing about this website is that it gives you breathing space to at least think about things. Thanks again.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
PS this may well be a pointless question but are there certain ways I should be "nice" (rather than "nasty") to my wife so as not to push her to consummate the relationship more quickly as that would really devastate me. All texts being swapped on the subject are all of the wishful fantasy type. I have decided not to indulge in any evidence based accusations at least until after I've had my first therapy session in a couple of weeks (have never done this sort of thing before, it is more to do with a personal plan for myself). As stated elsewhere here, the best thing about this website is that it gives you breathing space to at least think about things. Thanks again.
There is no problem being nice. Honestly, just treat her as someone you are doing business with versus trying to be husbandly nice, if that makes sense. At this point, she wants nothing to do with the husband side. Unfortunately, a lot of us (me included) have tried to be overly nice or whatever in hopes of things only to have it backfire. Would things have changed if I treated it as a business relationship? Maybe, but can't play the what-if game.
You'll find that a good IC will guide you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
PS this may well be a pointless question but are there certain ways I should be "nice" (rather than "nasty") to my wife so as not to push her to consummate the relationship more quickly as that would really devastate me.
You make it sound like you think you have some control over this. Trust me when I say that your actions really arent relevant to whether or not they have a PA. You are just as likely to come back here in a few months and say that she said "You didnt fight for me, so I felt you didnt want me" as you are to hear "You were smothering me and I had to get away."
Thats why it's so important to focus on you, because thats all you have control over.
PS this may well be a pointless question but are there certain ways I should be "nice" (rather than "nasty") to my wife so as not to push her to consummate the relationship more quickly as that would really devastate me. All texts being swapped on the subject are all of the wishful fantasy type. I have decided not to indulge in any evidence based accusations at least until after I've had my first therapy session in a couple of weeks (have never done this sort of thing before, it is more to do with a personal plan for myself). As stated elsewhere here, the best thing about this website is that it gives you breathing space to at least think about things. Thanks again.
Hello CJLS,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
The short answer to this question is yes. You want to be pleasant/neighborly and certainly not nasty. You want to move yourself forward in a positive way. Please notice that I said move forward and not move on. It is also important to detach from her and GAL.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
