Oh my Paula. Your situation sounds just like mine. H left after almost 19 yrs together. We are fighting demons that I thought were put to rest 10 yrs ago and then definitely about 8no ago when H went thru rehab for alcohol. Now we are back to same demons. This is our 1St separation but we will be hitting 40 this year. Me in just over a week and my H in Sept.
As I was reading thru this thread I thought wow no one seems to have same situation but lots are similar until I read yours.
Thank you for sharing as I now know I'm not going crazy! H likes to push my buttons and I try so hard to not react/respond. But H then asked politely for things and it's hard to say no. Maybe I'm thinking it's harder because my H is an alcoholic and I now know that this is a disease that the addict has little control over.
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
You wrote: "I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted."
I understand the pain you felt reading that. I myself experienced that. My suggestion is to not to tell her what you are going to do but rather show her. This is an old post and I just joined so I'm not sure where you are now and where your marriage is. I'm learning as much as I can. My wife and I separated. I am in the WA, USA and she is in PE South Africa with our two kids. I'm the nurturer when it comes to the kids so my heart weeps for them as their loving father. We've been separated since August 23, 2016. I am blessed that I get to spend some time talking to them on their iPad. This Sunday is my daughter's 12th birthday. I had planned on being there but my wife doesn't want to see me. At least that is what she is saying. There is another man, she calls "a friend of interest" in the picture and "he is considering coming down for the weekend" since he lives three hours away. I am dealing with emotions of this since I basically brought this on.
I had pursued opening a storefront against my wife's wishes and support. It was a struggle and it brought strife and hurt into our marriage. This past December on the 27th, right after Christmas, she asked for a divorce over IM. I was devastated. Only because I realized she meant the world to me only after i tried to pursue another interest to cover up the rejection I felt from her in our marriage. That other interest fell apart because it was online scam. I look at it as God's way of waking me up to show me what really was important. My family, my wife and kids mean the world to me and I have faith that God will deliver me from this a better man. I working each day to take a step forward and it hasn't been easy, but I know as long as I have faith God can work miracles. He already has! We just have to wake up every morning and believe!
My faith and belief in God's intervention is even greater because I am living in the U.S. and my wife and the kids are living back in her country, in South Africa. I had to move out of our house to move in with parents who have been very supportive. My wife and I had been married for 16 years. Most of it have been great. Most of it, with the exception of the last three years have been a honeymoon. People would ask us how long we had been married and would be surprised when we told them how long. They thought we were newly weds. I think when I hit the age of 40 I hit my mid-life crisis and went through depression. i thought launching a business would help me get out of it; instead it got me out of my happy marriage.
What I would give to go back in time and fix it, but I know now, I had to go through this to get to where I am going. And part of that new experience is having an even more amazing marriage. The marriage, my wife and I had always dreamed of! That is my hope, my prayer. I believe this with all my heart, because I am walking that path. I am changing me because God has shown me who I want to be and it's not the person I turned out to be the last three years. I want to be better. To be more in-tuned with the people I love. I want to give unconditional love. I want to be happy again and the only way is to work on myself. To be better. To be an amazing husband and father.
Forgive me for writing bits and pieces of my story. I will write a more organized post of my story as I introduce myself to this wonderful family of hopeful souls. I am in this together with all of you and I wish to share my story in the hopes it will encourage or give someone strength to keep the faith.
Forgive me for writing bits and pieces of my story. I will write a more organized post of my story as I introduce myself to this wonderful family of hopeful souls.
Welcome to DB - I might suggest you put your story in newcomers where more people will see it and you will get more responses. At least until you get off of moderation. Later you can move here if you choose.
I read these posts and it's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I have been separated from my wife for about 6 months and up until last week I did a lot of crying and begging and trying to use logic and whatever I could. I think last week I hit my Breaking Point and decided I needed to let go and work on myself. I have been seeing a counselor and I think I have read every self-help book out there. About a week after we separated my wife went through detox at a co-worker's house I don't think she's having a sexual affair but she's definitely having an emotional affair. We just refinanced our house last week and it cost $15,000 I have to renew our health insurance this weekend for the family. I don't know what's going on.. I think the most important words I read in this tread is patience and consistency and that's what I'm trying to do.
I hate to break it to you but when a man or woman does this it's usually because they want to have relations with other people or are having relations already. Best thing to do is like you said just work on yourself.