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How to proceed... Preemptive Strike first or wait? #2729454
02/10/17 07:10 AM
02/10/17 07:10 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
D
dbsoul Offline OP
New Member
dbsoul  Offline OP
New Member
D
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
Hi there!
I'm new to DB and not quite sure if my post would be appropriate for this topic. I'll start with a brief question and hopefully I can fill in the blanks as this discussion grows.

On Dec 27 of last year I received a PM from my wife telling me she wants a D. That reconciliaton is out of the question because too many things have been said to take them back. Two weeks prior she said she had started to talk to someone she met online and was keen on continueing to see him since it was over between us. Since then I have on two occassions made a case for saving our marriage but she has flat out said she has moved on. Since we are still married would this be considered infidelity? Cheating? A Wayward wife?

Should I proceed with accelerating the divorce? I have already contacted a family lawyer in her country to find out what would be the steps to file for a divorce.

At this time our relationship or our communication have been very friendly. In my attempt to ask for a 2nd chance at saving our marriage I argued that we were bestfriends first before anything so we should work on saving our friendship then take it from there. This strategy had worked for my sister's husband. My W wasn't very responsive to it. I get a sense that this new guy has given her the confidence to move on. Yet she continues to ask me to send her money for the kids schooling.

It was our idea for our kids to experience her country and to go to school there for a year. Our M however were in the rocks the past three years due to me launching a business ignoring my Wife's objection. I wasn't a good husband the past two years because I put the business ahead of her. This caused my wife to withdraw and in retaliation I withdrew and we both got angry with each other. She withheld sex and I stopped caring and put more time into business.

However, the business didn't do well and our finances started falling apart. It got so bad that even though we needed to work on our marriage, i wanted her and the kids out of the situation and negative environment even more. So, I sold my truck and bought my wife and my two youngest kids tickets bound for South AFrica. This all happened Last August and it kills me that i have seen my kids in person since then. FaceTime and or Skype just doesn't replace me taking them out to get frozen yogurt or a nice bike ride to the park. I have always been the one to get on their level and play with them the way i did. my W was always the dry stick to the schedule kind of mom so my bond with my kids is much stronger. It's killing me to be away from them every single day.

Yes, I caused most of the issues in our marriage due to not listening to her. That is her #1 complaint about me, not listening. I have since been working on changing that. I also put myself on a dating site before she left, which she found out and confronted me about it. It was a way for me to feel wanted or desired when she withdrew from me. When she found out I was on Match I quickly deactivated it and told her I was no longer on the site, but i did not see any improvement from her after doing deactivating my account.

When we said our goodbyes at the airport I told my wife to spread her wings and if explore herself because I felt she was going through a midlife crisis. Boy do I regret saying that now. During the first two months of her being away I enjoyed a bachelor's life and met someone online. At least I thought I did, but it turned out to be an online scam that unraveled before my eyes a few days before Christmas when I was left waiting at the airport for a couple hours waiting, but she never arrived. That's when i believe God opened my eyes to all the things I had done wrong the past years. It was as if he peeled the courtain wide open and revealed to me what was really important in my life and that was my wife and my kids.
My wife having heard that i was "seeing" someone decided to put herself on a dating site for a week and in that week a man wrote her and caught her attention.
Since then her attitude has changed from trying to make our M work to wanting a divorce and moving on.

My W and I have been married for 17 years and we have two beautiful children together. What hurts the most is my inability to have time with the kids because they are no outside the US. I want to save our marriage but she does not. I don't believe this new relationship will last but I also don't want to wait around. I want to take the tough love approach. However, I am finding that we are communicating frequently due to the kids and I am the one instigating it. What also makes going Dark is that my mother has pretty good communications with her and I have since moved back home to live with them while I sell the house and and clean up the mess she left behind. Currently I am sending her money to pay for the kids private school because public school there is really bad. Her going to SA with the kids was her idea initially and seeing that it would end up costly was another point of contention between us. She wanted to be with her family back home so badly but she didn't have the means to support her grand idea. And I was above my neck trying to keep the lights on and keep the business running of which she was my legal partner in the business. So, she just left me with all the affairs to deal with to enjoy life with her family.

My question to the board is this: should I take the initiative and file for divorce first and make her realize what it means to be a single mother of two? Obviously visitation will mean my children will have to spend some time here in the States and I assume if I file for divorce now I can argue infidelity and have more favor from the court? I realize they will most likely grant her the primary custodian but that is why I have already contacted a family lawyer there to represent me and to provide me with more information about family law in SA.
i've always been the nice guy by working my ass off and making it possible for my wife to be a stay at home mom for over ten years. Which by the way was another cause of friction between us because she did not want to go back to work when I had asked her to help with finances.

So how do I go about moving forward? I am so torn because I am still madly in love with her and I'm smart enough to know that starting a new relationship with someone new will be a lot more work that trying to work on our issues. At least we know what we're working with. But, I feel she is blinded by this new found "love" and will soon realize being divorced and having to let your kids spend holidays in a different country will not be great for everyone especially the kids when they realize thats the end of them feeling secure under two united parents.


Thanks in advance and I apologize for jumping all over the place with my story.

Me 44 W 42
Kids 19, 19, 12, 9
Married for 17 yrs

Re: How to proceed... Preemptive Strike first or wait? [Re: dbsoul] #2730486
02/16/17 04:45 PM
02/16/17 04:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Cristy Offline
Member
Cristy  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hello dbsoul,

I moved your post to Newcomers so that more people will be able to see it and offer their support.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Re: How to proceed... Preemptive Strike first or wait? [Re: Cristy] #2730511
02/16/17 10:56 PM
02/16/17 10:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,005
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: How to proceed... Preemptive Strike first or wait? [Re: dbsoul] #2730563
02/17/17 08:50 AM
02/17/17 08:50 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,043
M
MoveFrwd Offline
Member
MoveFrwd  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,043
Originally Posted By: dbsoul
My question to the board is this: should I take the initiative and file for divorce first and make her realize what it means to be a single mother of two?

Starting here - what would you gain from being divorced? Does it help you financially? Does it help you with custody? These are questions for your L.

You should NOT file divorce to show her what it means to be a 'single mother of two'. How would that change her situation as it is right now? You would still be paying for their schooling Im sure. In my opinion, you should only file when youre done with the relationship or if there is some alternative reason such as abuse, finances, etc. I would stop trying to base your actions around what kind of response you hope she will have.

Originally Posted By: dbsoul
Should I proceed with accelerating the divorce? I have already contacted a family lawyer in her country to find out what would be the steps to file for a divorce.

Good. Knowledge is power. Doesnt mean you have to do anything yet.

Originally Posted By: dbsoul
In my attempt to ask for a 2nd chance at saving our marriage I argued that we were bestfriends first before anything so we should work on saving our friendship then take it from there. This strategy had worked for my sister's husband. My W wasn't very responsive to it. I get a sense that this new guy has given her the confidence to move on. Yet she continues to ask me to send her money for the kids schooling.

Id quit with the attempts to convince her of anything. Your words are meaningless. It's your actions that are important now.

Originally Posted By: dbsoul
I wasn't a good husband the past two years because I put the business ahead of her. This caused my wife to withdraw and in retaliation I withdrew and we both got angry with each other. She withheld sex and I stopped caring and put more time into business.

Yes, I caused most of the issues in our marriage due to not listening to her. That is her #1 complaint about me, not listening. I have since been working on changing that.

So what will you be doing to improve? How can you communicate, act, prioritize better? THIS is where you need to focus. On becoming the best version of dbsoul possible.

Originally Posted By: dbsoul
I also put myself on a dating site before she left, which she found out and confronted me about it. It was a way for me to feel wanted or desired when she withdrew from me. When she found out I was on Match I quickly deactivated it and told her I was no longer on the site, but i did not see any improvement from her after doing deactivating my account.

Why would you think that deactivating the account by itself would lead to improvement? You actively looked for her replacement while you were together. You cant undo the hurt by just deactivating the account......

Originally Posted By: dbsoul
When we said our goodbyes at the airport I told my wife to spread her wings and if explore herself because I felt she was going through a midlife crisis. Boy do I regret saying that now. During the first two months of her being away I enjoyed a bachelor's life and met someone online. At least I thought I did, but it turned out to be an online scam that unraveled before my eyes a few days before Christmas when I was left waiting at the airport for a couple hours waiting, but she never arrived. That's when i believe God opened my eyes to all the things I had done wrong the past years. It was as if he peeled the curtain wide open and revealed to me what was really important in my life and that was my wife and my kids.
My wife having heard that i was "seeing" someone decided to put herself on a dating site for a week and in that week a man wrote her and caught her attention.
Since then her attitude has changed from trying to make our M work to wanting a divorce and moving on.

So you went through your own MLC and just because you're 'snapped out of it' now, you think she should adjust to your timeline? Like I said above, I think you need to focus on healing yourself.




I think thats enough thoughts for now. Keep posting!

Re: How to proceed... Preemptive Strike first or wait? [Re: dbsoul] #2731749
02/24/17 11:44 AM
02/24/17 11:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Cristy Offline
Member
Cristy  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hello dbsoul,

Are you still with us? What has been happening since your original post?

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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