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Sam22 #2728363 02/03/17 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted By: Sam22
I'm thinking of going home today after work and telling W that as soon as I get home from work in the future, she has to go and have at least an hour to herself, regardless of what's going on with the kids. I want to tell her that I don't want to leave and that I don't expect her spend time or effort on working on our marriage as she has other things to work on that are more important and that I'm not going to give up on us No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, I'm going to help her with her healing process.

Id say for now, just be patient. I think its OK to say that you have reconsidered moving out (which I think is an incredibly terrible idea), but otherwise, please please do not go into fix-it mode. This is going to be an incredibly long journey and it isnt going to be 'solved' by one thing in one day. So for now, read, educate yourself and keep posting so that you can absorb knowledge before you start making this snap decisions.

For example, above. This sounds unsustainable and controlling. Youre going to "make her" leave for an hour? Thats ridiculous. Instead, use your actions to allow her to have some quiet time - "Ill do bath and bedtime tonight. You can take the night off if youd like." Or "Im going to get the kids to bed and then Im planning to head out to XYZ". This gives her alone time without you having to 'prescribe' it for her.

Dawgs #2728366 02/03/17 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Let me ask this - saying that a housekeep/nanny could have saved a marriage is suggesting that deeper things lie. It's like putting a band aid on a hole in a dam when there are cracks all over.


Not at all.

No one is saying that a nanny or housekeeper could save every marriage.

But when troubles are still relatively small and new, a housekeeper or nanny can give a couple a bit of breathing room and emotional energy to repair the cracks.

People who are stressed and tired are almost never at their best. Chronic stress and exhaustion can add more and more cracks and widen the existing cracks. Removing the stress can prevent that, and even reverse it.

Some marriages on here have much deeper problems. Others have issues that started small and could probably have been fixed while they were still small if the partners had had more energy.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Sotto #2728367 02/03/17 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: Sotto


Just in terms of the website and your regular job. I would urge caution there and make sure you don't make an already stressful situation more so by the loss of regular earnings. Also, are you burning yourself out a little there? You can't be all things to all people you know?

Can I also ask - honestly, what unmet needs (which lead to resentment) do you think you have within the marriage?

smile


I don't plan on resigning until I know if the app will work.
My family has commented to me that they think I am doing too much, but I feel stuck in between a rock and a hard place. My W needs help so I want to be able to be home with her, but I need to work to support the family. I did alot of extra hours to pay for the nanny for that period, and my w and her family got upset with me cause I was working alot. I really wish I didn't have to, but I didn't have any other options. What makes it even more frustrating, is that my wife's mother was living 5minutes from us and was helping, until she decided that "it didn't feel right being in Sydney". Shes from Brisbane and moved to Sydney to help my wife. My w will be staying with her when she goes interstate to Brisbane which worries me as well. We've never got along for different reasons (she refused to be here when my w had her baby shower for our second child)

Regarding the unmet needs, it's probably more about double standards. A few days ago, I took the kids to visit my sister while my w was working at our florist. I told her that I'd head home when the kids were due to sleep. She didn't like the idea and thought it would be better for me to get them home earlier, but she has no issues doing what I wanted to do when she goes to her brother's place. It took 15 minutes before she said it would be ok. When she's mentioned it to me, Ive had no issues with it. Another instance on the same day was she got home 30 minutes late from the florist, which again, I don't have an issue with, but 2 days earlier, I was home 10 minutes later than she thought I should be and she called me as I drove into the garage and started abusing me. When she got home from the florist 30 minutes late, I told her that I wasn't upset because she was late, but if the roles were reversed, she would of become angry, and she agreed.

Rose888 #2728368 02/03/17 06:27 AM
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Good point, Rose. Learn something new every day.

I will add that band aids can't fix underlying cracks. However, I do agree. Thanks!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
MoveFrwd #2728370 02/03/17 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: Sam22
I'm thinking of going home today after work and telling W that as soon as I get home from work in the future, she has to go and have at least an hour to herself, regardless of what's going on with the kids. I want to tell her that I don't want to leave and that I don't expect her spend time or effort on working on our marriage as she has other things to work on that are more important and that I'm not going to give up on us No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, I'm going to help her with her healing process.

Id say for now, just be patient. I think its OK to say that you have reconsidered moving out (which I think is an incredibly terrible idea), but otherwise, please please do not go into fix-it mode. This is going to be an incredibly long journey and it isnt going to be 'solved' by one thing in one day. So for now, read, educate yourself and keep posting so that you can absorb knowledge before you start making this snap decisions.

For example, above. This sounds unsustainable and controlling. Youre going to "make her" leave for an hour? Thats ridiculous. Instead, use your actions to allow her to have some quiet time - "Ill do bath and bedtime tonight. You can take the night off if youd like." Or "Im going to get the kids to bed and then Im planning to head out to XYZ". This gives her alone time without you having to 'prescribe' it for her.



When I got home, I said "why don't you go and have a shower and have some time to yourself. I know youve had a rough day" she told me earlier that she was struggling with the kids. she responded by saying "how did u know" and "thanks" she also wanted to me get her if I needed her help, and I told her that I'd be ok and I'll handle it.

Sam22 #2728371 02/03/17 06:38 AM
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Great responses, Sam. Good on ya!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2728420 02/03/17 11:11 AM
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So I got home tonight and after the kids went to bed I spoke to my w and told her I didn't want to leave the marriage. I explained that I still love her and I wanted to be there as her husband to support her with her healing process.
She said she was surprised as she's already started trying to come to terms with the end of our marriage.
I told here that I still thought she should go interstate to see her family, but rather than using that time to decide if she has the energy to work on it, she should use the time to work on herself.

I also said that I thought neither of us were in the right headspace to make such a big decision like this and we should both work on ourselves first. She agreed, but also said she can't guarantee that she would come back without thinking about it and without making a decision. She also said she doesn't know how long she would be there for. She said anywhere from a month to 3 months, but she doesn't know. Part of me is worried that she won't come back at all even though she's said that she feels being in Sydney is her home. I know her family will be telling her to do what's right for her, but they'll probably be doing it while she's not in the right space and she'll decide to leave.

The feeling I got was that she doesn't want to be in the marriage. Her comments were more negative than positive, but she's still affectionate towards me. Still kissing and hugging me. I'm just very confused at the moment.

Sam22 #2728428 02/03/17 11:51 AM
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My gut feeling is that she wants out of the marriage cause it's all too much to deal with and she's too damaged by everything we've been through. I think she can't see a way forward. She is a very sensitive person which I think is making it harder.

Sam22 #2728430 02/03/17 12:02 PM
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Quote:
My gut feeling is that she wants out of the marriage cause it's all too much to deal with and she's too damaged by everything we've been through. I think she can't see a way forward. She is a very sensitive person which I think is making it harder.


Sam22,

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the fact that our spouses (in my case, ex) are on their own road - and that road doesn't have room for us. Maybe one day it will. Or maybe it won't.

What you must do is use this time wisely. Work on yourself. For you. No one else. I talk about hobbies a lot in other threads, because they are great for a number of reasons. Others talk about socializing. Or sports. Or whatever. For me, one of the things that helped me the most were my hobbies. I told the story of how I got back into model building after BD...something that I hadn't done since childhood, really. It helped me immensely because it forced me to concentrate on something. That's what's needed. Find something that consumes your thoughts when doing it. Another was mountain biking for me...cant let your mind wonder there.

What I am saying is that you have the incredible gift of time. Use it wisely. Don't concentrate on her...concentrate on yourself. Be the best you can. Change comes from within and not overnight. Maybe she'll notice, maybe not. Either way, you'll be better off for it. And if there is another in your future, then she would also be better off.

Fair winds and following seas, my friend.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sam22 #2728432 02/03/17 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: Sam22
Thanks Cristy. I have just emailed you.


Hi Sam,

I sent you an email today. Did you get it?

Cristy


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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