Thank you for commenting. I have seen a few of your posts and have been hoping you will start a thread too. There are several of us in piecing that can comment on your thread. Your sitch sounds very hard! We want to support you.
I don't think I would tolerate my H working with OW. When he cut it off with her, he went no contact and has remained that way. We have both crossed her path a few times--in the community and at kid events--however we all ignore each other. It's somewhat awkward and uncomfortable, but has little affect on his. She moved right on to her next OM and we have zero respect for her as a human being.
If there was any contact there, even at work, I imagine the dynamic would be different. Gross. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I want to read more about your sitch. I hope you start a thread!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Where should I start? Here or in Piecing? Seems to be more traffic here.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Speaking for myself, when I found out about the A I asked him to leave that day and he hasn't returned since. That was in November 2015. We have little to no communication.
For me I was so devastated that I didn't know what else to do. I was not in my right mind to think that there was any other way to handle what he had done to me and our M. Of course I did all the wrong things....the begging, pleading and talking ad nauseam, and when that didn't work then I became this very angry person spewing obscenities at him, telling him I hated him and his family, that I wish he would die and that I had never met him. But honestly I didn't know how to handle all the emotions I was feeling at that time.
Now that he has been gone so long, and I have found support here, do I realize that now I know what is the best thing to do for me. It is very difficult to "lovingly detach" from someone, and to be honest I don't really even know if I know what that means or how to do that to someone who made such a selfish decision as to cheat on their wife and then walk away and abandon everything that we worked hard for the last 11 years.
We are all flawed human beings and all make mistakes, but I think the important thing is that we should be able to take a look inside ourselves to see why we made those decisions and learn from them and grow from them. As hard as this has been for me I am learning things about myself that I didn't like, but I am working on me everyday to make me a better person. Unfortunately he has not been to counseling, nor has he made any effort to show remorse or regret for his decisions, and I honestly don't know if he ever will. He continues to only think about himself, and he is digging himself into a hole financially and I'm not sure how he is going to get out. He does not initiate communication with me AT ALL.
My understanding is that he spends every night home alone in his house. He doesn't have another OW and rarely gets out much. This is what I am having a hard time with because if he isn't with the OW (she was married and is still with her H) or a new OW, why doesn't he see that if he puts effort into making himself better and learning to work on himself then maybe he can see that our M was something worth having and working on. I could understand if he was with someone else and was out enjoying life to the fullest, but he isn't. What that says to me is that he didn't really think our M was worth working on at all. Did those 11 years really mean nothing to him? Or have I made it difficult for him to feel that it is safe to reach out to me because of my actions in the beginning?
I don't know where to go from here. I am learning to make myself a better person, and I know it really is going to benefit me in the long run, but parts of me are not healed and I am not sure if they ever will be. I do still focus too much energy on him and what he is doing....no questions. I guess that I also have not been able to forgive him. But I need to see something on his part that makes me feel that he deserves that forgiveness.
skm, thank you for commenting again. I believe we think a lot alike. I also raged at H when he first left, and did everything DB says not to do. So looking back on things now, I can see how I pushed him further away. Even if I found this site before BD, I am not sure I could have lovingly detached either. I couldn't ignore the hurt/anger I felt. But what I could (should) have done would be to find safe people and outlets to deal with the emotions and just let him be. I was good about rallying support, but still managed to yo-yo in front of him. We can't beat ourselves up for it tho--it's human to error, and most of the posters struggle with the same mistakes. We can however make changes moving forward and represent ourselves better than that.
You have very good insight into your sitch. I think you are correct in that if he is not willing to look at his part in the breakdown of the M, then there is nothing you can do. You can want and hope to restore the M, but really, the person he is today is not good enough. After the hurt/anger he has caused you, you would at least need for him to own his part in it. He would need to be willing to look at the mistakes he made, why he made them, how he can change moving forward to avoid it from happening again, and of course express remorse for hurting you. It doesn't sound like he is taking those steps. That must be hard for you to accept.
"... he didn't really think our M was worth working on ..." So this above is a loaded statement. I don't necessarily agree that the M wasn't "worth" it to him. Think about it, we all find value (worth) in different aspects of our lives and Rs with people. Each person in any R has a different perspective of the R. I think the more healthy and grounded a person is, the more they can attract postive people and sitches into their lives. If your H is not willing to look at himself, avoids conflict, and runs from Rs, then chances are he struggles to find "worth" in his Rs in general. His perspective of you is not a reflection of your value!
"Did those 11 years mean nothing to him?" I think this is your broken heart talking. Of course you and those 11 years mean a lot to him! How much he misses you and the M, none of us can know. Only he can answer that. However most people don't stay in a M that long if they dont love the person. I can think back to a bad relationship I had for several years. It still has meaning to me. At the time I thought I loved him and I did take a lot away from that experience. People that don't reflect on the past and see worth in their M have some serious issues, don't they? Even if he has positive memories of his history with you, that doesn't mean he is ready or wanting to go back to being with you. He may even feel that he blew it.
Have you made it too difficult for him to return because of your past behaviors? So I don't know how to answer this one. I know that I made it extremely difficult for H to come back, let alone even approach me. I lost site, in my own pain, of his experience. I don't know your H or what he is feeling/thinking. The reason folks talk about the lighthouse is to create that safe place for them if/when they come back. Either way, he has to be willing to own his part before you would consider him. You deserve that at a minimum or you will live a life resenting him for the hurt. My H has done all the hard work and I still am learning how to respect him with mistakes he made.
Be gentle on yourself. This takes a long time to recover from, and it could be several years before any of this makes sense. You can still find times to enjoy life without him and give yourself permission to not think about him--even if just several hours at a time. You deserve that. Some say forgiveness is for you and not them. I struggle with that too. I'll let you know when I figure that out ;-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You have very good insight into your sitch. I think you are correct in that if he is not willing to look at his part in the breakdown of the M, then there is nothing you can do. You can want and hope to restore the M, but really, the person he is today is not good enough. After the hurt/anger he has caused you, you would at least need for him to own his part in it. He would need to be willing to look at the mistakes he made, why he made them, how he can change moving forward to avoid it from happening again, and of course express remorse for hurting you. It doesn't sound like he is taking those steps. That must be hard for you to accept.
This is exactly where I am with my W. I love her very much and I want to repair our marriage. But I don't like the person she's become over the past 5 months and I would never want to continue a relationship with her if this her "new" self. Personally I think this "new" self is just a phase and for a while I was just putting up with it and waiting for it to run its course. But I think she's in the thick of it and there's a lot more to come. Call it WW, WAW, or MLC, it's probably a combination of all three and there's only so much a person can take before they reach a breaking point. I'm trying to look at that breaking point as a positive way to lovingly detach further, but it's so hard.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Yay! I read your first post. Im so glad youre here giving advice. So few veterans return.
I never returned bcuz reading the posts brought back all the memories.
Ive learned there are worse things in life. I learned to thank God for every single gift when i was feeling down. I learned to screw the shoulda woulda couldas. I didnt know any better. Im learning to love myself.
I have recovered really well from my sitch. Unfortunately SO didnt.
He is in God's hands.
How are you dealing w resentment. It took me 2yrs after reconciling to feel in love. It couldve come back sooner if i had worked on it right away but i wanted to keep it. As if to punish him. All it did was hurt me.
XOXO
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Blu......thanks as always for being so insightful:)
I am still struggling with emotions....mostly anger right now. I know that it is coming from a place of hurt because like I have said before I am devastated at what he has done to me and our M. I am REALLY working on that anger though.
My H is the type of man who doesn't want to deal with emotional things, he doesn't like the way it makes him feel. So I know that if he ever does take a look at himself and what he has done it is going to be a long time from now. Whenever I would get emotional or be upset and crying he would just sit there and say nothing....absolutely nothing!!! He wouldn't try to console me in any way....no kiss, no hug, no words But the crazy thing is that HE is the one who cried at our wedding, so I know he is capable of showing emotion. I guess he just picks and chooses when.
Sometimes I feel like H doesn't want to do the work so that I stay in a place of resentment, hurt and anger and that way it would be okay for me to D him because he didn't do what needed to be done to heal me and our M. I was the only person that ever made him accountable for things he did. His parents NEVER did that, and to this day continue to bail him out (and this man is 44 years old) and tell him that he just needs to "move on" from all of this. He totally avoids conflict and does not know how to deal with it at all.
I have tried to see his side of things and how he is feeling, but when we have no contact that can be difficult. I know he wants to do the right thing, but I don't think he is ready to do it or even knows what that is or how to.
The crazy thing is that he is a very sweet man and does not like for people to raise their voice at him, or to be upset with him. One time during one of my crazy episodes I told him I hated him and flipped him off and walked off. Later he told me that he didn't like that I got so upset with him to say or do those type of things.
As I have read what I have written in all my posts, the majority of them about him. I REALLY need to stop focusing on him and what he thinks, feels, says or does because I'm pretty sure he isn't thinking about me.....but man is it hard. I know that until I can TOTALLY let go, none of this is going to get better.
I have been reading along, just not posting as much lately. I don't really have much new to report. Things are okay. I also find myself wanting to dish out 2*4s left and right when I read your posts. I have to really give credit to those vets that have been coming here for so many years and remain loyal and patient. It's not easy.
So many of you read, read, read, and you understand the concepts, but you continue to pursue, or beg, yell, etc. Maybe it strikes a chord with me because I can relate? I am not sure exactly. Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and shake you. LOL.
I wish I could help you guys more, I do. If you don't know this yet, I am straight-shooter and not a sugar-coater. However, I will only tell you what I BELIEVE will help you.
So I think it's time for a new thread. I will give an update there soon. Keep posting. I am here for you guys, 2*4s and all. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Although, if you want to come out stronger (and possibly get your spouse back), well than you just have to try harder and stop making excuses. ... you know who you are ...
But the crazy thing is that HE is the one who cried at our wedding, so I know he is capable of showing emotion. I guess he just picks and chooses when.