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Maybe I missed it but did you read DB or DR?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: darknes
Why don't you set goals that are within your control? You can't use her out of her fog - a better goal is to be in a healthy R. It's much easier and more fulfilling to work towards that goal. Otherwise your actions will tend towards trying to influence her and not focused on you.

You're right darkness. This has been my problem for the past 7 months and clearly the biggest challenge of detaching.

Last night after I got home and finished talking with my son, I immediately went back to the project I had started over the holiday weekend of recaulking the bathtub. This is a definite 180 for me because not only was it 9:30pm and I had to get up at 5 this morning, but during the 9 years that we've lived in our house I never took ownership of any home maintenance. I even think that at one point my W may have recaulked the bathtub on her own. So there I am with my painter's tape and my caulking gun, zoned in, trying to do the best job possible and all while I waiting/hoping that my W will walk in to talk to me (or at least walk by to see what I'm doing).

So there's the difficulty with detachment right there. I couldn't just be happy with the fact that I finally finished the job and it came out well. I wanted praise, validation, and to reinforce with my W the fact that the changes I'm making are sticking. The good news is that I didn't let any of this show. I cleaned up, said goodnight and went to bed.

Originally Posted By: ForGump
...there is no path to reconciliation through in-house separation.

After 2 months of living like this I have to believe that it's true. I've heard stories of people who live this way for many years, typically because they can't afford to separate finances or they want to wait until the kids leave the house. I can't believe that my sitch will end up this way. Without the kids I'm certain that my W would have left by now. But neither of us want to leave our home knowing that doing so may hurt our chances of custody and will definitely send a message to our kids. Sometimes it feels like a game of chicken, but that's no way to live your life.

Originally Posted By: MrBond
Maybe I missed it but did you read DB or DR?
I have both and I've spent more time reading DR over DB. I've read the chapters on LRT in both books many times over. I need to revisit the other chapters again soon, but quite honestly I'm so exhausted from thinking about this day in and day out that I need to put these books down for a bit and read something else.

I have an IC session this afternoon and I really want to focus the discussion on me instead of my W and my R. We'll see how it goes.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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So would it be an accurate description that you have not read neither of the 2 books?

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Originally Posted By: Vapo
So would it be an accurate description that you have not read neither of the 2 books?

To be clear, I had read the first few chapters of DB and then came to this board and found out that DR was considered and updated version. I read DR all the way through to Part 3 and also the infidelity chapter. I then went back and focused on chapter 6 of DR and also read the LRT section of DB.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
I have an appointment for an initial consultation with a lawyer on Friday. My goal is to convince my W that she should move out, but I need a backup plan when she refuses (and she will) and knowing what some of my basic rights are will help. Plan B will likely be the separation of finances and possibly her removal from my medical insurance. She doesn't have any chronic illness so there's no need for me to feel guilty.

I have a lot of changes to make for myself, to get my mojo back, to be the guy that my W initially fell in love with, even if she never comes back. I welcome all comments and advice, but mostly I ask for encouragement. This tough love is harder than anything else I've ever had to do.


Chris73--best wishes, what a great 2017 resolution! I was with my L yesterday discussing separation, so we are living parallel lives...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
Chris73--best wishes, what a great 2017 resolution! I was with my L yesterday discussing separation, so we are living parallel lives...
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Thanks Gordie. And yet another thing I have to put energy into: finding a competent lawyer that I can afford. Some of these firms charge $100 just for the initial consult. Anyone have advice on this?


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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2 pieces of advice...

1. Do read DR cover to cover, and do take the time to do it at your pace.

2. Just today I read all your threads (messy stuff, you really should fill the old one up, before starting anew, but it is not all that messy) and it hit me. I believe you would benefit greatly if you were to reread your old thread and it would help you with a lot of stuff (comparing your mindset at the time and current) and you might really take a lot from it.

3 (bonus item). Do track down Sandi's 37 rules, print them out, laminate them and reread them at least twice a day.

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Thanks Vapo. I guess there are too many threads. I feel as if every time my sitch changes I want to start a new thread!

I just went back to my very first thread. Man were things different! It's a little depressing because I feel like on one level it has gotten so much worse. But then I think of some of the GAL progress that I've made and I see the silver lining. I will definitely re-read everything.

Had a productive IC session today. It's a new therapist that I just started with a few weeks ago and I'm starting to like him more than my previous one. We talked about the most recent conversations I've had with my W and he asked me why I always feel the need to explain everything? Why am I always trying to hammer my point across? Saying the same things over and over? I've always thought that this was a normal communication method, but he has a good point. I wonder how many times in my M my need to explain my point exhausted the conversation to the point where my W gave up. Or even worse, decided not to bring something up in the first place!

So I guess one of my goals should be to learn how to be a man of fewer words. I share very few qualities with the alpha-male type and I think this has contributed to my W losing respect for me. In every R conversation we've had, I've always backed down. The classic "nice guy" routine where I outwardly appease the other person and then internally build up resentment for not getting what I want. My W even admitted to me once that she WANTED me to go ballistic when I found out about her A. She WANTED to see anger and acts of self-preservation. But I didn't do that. I told her right away that I forgave her and started working to win her back.

A while back I started reading a book about the "Nice Guy" syndrome and how to overcome it. But then I got sidetracked by the DB and DR books. I think I will go back and finish reading it now.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Quote:
We talked about the most recent conversations I've had with my W and he asked me why I always feel the need to explain everything? Why am I always trying to hammer my point across? Saying the same things over and over? I've always thought that this was a normal communication method, but he has a good point. I wonder how many times in my M my need to explain my point exhausted the conversation to the point where my W gave up. Or even worse, decided not to bring something up in the first place!


Interesting remarks. Do you feel the need to explain your viewpoint.....or is it in anything? For instance, rehashing something you find troublesome/stressful? If this is how one of your parents communicated, then I can see how that would seem normal to you. Another thought, do you feel as though you will be judged and that is why you have a need to thoroughly explain? Maybe you just wanted to be right?

Quote:
So I guess one of my goals should be to learn how to be a man of fewer words.


Maybe start by not repeating your points or rehash an old subject? Of course, that would probably be fewer words. smile

Quote:
My W even admitted to me once that she WANTED me to go ballistic when I found out about her A. She WANTED to see anger and acts of self-preservation. But I didn't do that. I told her right away that I forgave her and started working to win her back.


Yes, I see that happen in stories from time to time. Some people may see it as being the bigger person....but the WW is thinking, "I did not ask for your forgiveness!" She might even feel disgusted that her H would not get a little riled over the fact she is having an A!

Quote:
A while back I started reading a book about the "Nice Guy" syndrome and how to overcome it. But then I got sidetracked by the DB and DR books. I think I will go back and finish reading it now.


Good idea.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Chris73--best wishes, what a great 2017 resolution! I was with my L yesterday discussing separation, so we are living parallel lives...
\
Thanks Gordie. And yet another thing I have to put energy into: finding a competent lawyer that I can afford. Some of these firms charge $100 just for the initial consult. Anyone have advice on this?


Still catching up (a lot to read!), but if you haven't already you should see an L to understand your options. I gained a lot of confidence and solace in understanding the process and getting a realistic view of how things might shake out. It may do a lot to help ground you. Knowledge is power. I put it off longer than I should have and I wish I'd done it sooner in my situation. Just a quick thought.

Originally Posted By: Chris73
My W even admitted to me once that she WANTED me to go ballistic when I found out about her A. She WANTED to see anger and acts of self-preservation.


Years ago, my W hinted this to me when we were in an argument. It was strange to hear at the time and I'd thought maybe I was misinterpreting things. When i found out about my WW i took the approach of discussing w/ her from a compassionate/rational place and she pretty much walked all over me. A month later her and I had a blow-up shouting match and I let out a lot of the anger that had been building up inside. I could tell she was goading me on and I extricated myself from the situation, but she did act markedly different towards me after that. Not saying you should go ballistic up on her, but don't let her steamroll you and make sure you stand up for what is right.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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