Glad we are in Italy, its on my list of places to visit. I'm a blanc girl myself, a chilled Sav on a warm sunny day - but seeing as this is new voyage of discovery we are on, perhaps I should give red another go - what do you recommend?
I don't have any advice for you, you know my sitch well and how I am stumbling around trying to work out which way is forwards myself, so I am in no position to tell you what you are or are not doing correctly - come to think of it, no one is. What I can do and as so many others are trying to, is give you things to think about that you may not have thought of, or a different perspective on your thinking, to give you a different way of seeing things, that way you can make informed decisions.
From my outside view, it feels to me like you are asking yourself the right questions and are not jumping in to making any rash decisions which is a good thing; we can to often act first and think second which invariably comes back to bite you in the a$$. It does concern me that you say you feel its your DUTY to stand for your m and wait to see if your w comes out the other side of this wanting to come back to you. That word - DUTY - it almost feels like an obligation, not a desire -
As you have mentioned "time" is a word that is batted around here; there is no way of knowing how long it will take for your w to go through this period in her life, if she will finish it and how she will feel once out the other side. It does appear to take a long time, I hesitate slightly writing this, but if you expect years rather than months, then you are preparing yourself for what is more likely and then adjust your expectations/thoughts to suit that theory. In my case I am coming up 3yrs since the ilybnilwy speech, but my h was showing signs 6 yrs ago, came out of it for a couple yrs simmering before finally leaving and off to find someone new. Its been a rollercoaster of confusion since then as you know, resulting in a recent touch and go with him now back in the thick fog and me left to pick up the pieces of my life once again - because I did not prepare for this, I tried to be the person he wanted me to be, tried to entice him into being interested in me again, I lived my life waiting for him to come out of this. I now understand (IMPO) that standing is not waiting, its hoping that one day your s will catch up with you and you will remain open to the possibility that you could reconcile should the situation be right for both of you.
Its not easy, thinking about moving forwards without them in the picture, it some how feels disloyal. The thing I try to remind myself is; that is what they are trying to do - move on and chase their dreams - and we can either stand still and watch our own life pass by while waiting for them or live it as best we can and chase a few of our own independent dreams.......like visiting Italy .....
Take your time with your decisions, only make them when they feel right for you, don't make them because you feel should or anyone else feels you should.
There is no rush, just sit and look at the view for a while and breath in the fresh air. xx
I made fettuccine with pesto for dinner ... served it with a lovely focaccia ... you are all welcome to have some.
there are always two aspects to look at in these situations in which we find ourselves: one is the emotional, the other is the business.
In essence, a marriage breaking up is akin to a corporation breaking up. If one removes the emotional and looks at it from a strictly business perspective, preserving as many assets as possible while still being fair to the other party is, of course, optimal.
In your situation, Andrew, I would keep your powder dry on the filing for that reason primarily. That is just my personal opinion.
From the second aspect, the emotional one, whew - well that's a different kettle of fish entirely. I can only share with you what helped me the most. Our mediator said two things which have proven to be extremely astute. The first was to ask myself what do I want. Now, that's a really hard question to answer - at least it was for me. I thought I knew and had an immediate answer, but the more I ruminated the more I realized there were a lot of things I wanted that were only revealed over time. It's hard to act without really knowing what you want. Staring at a river in Ravenna and contemplating what you want is a great use of your time right now. In the event that your wife or you move forward with separation and divorce, you will be in a much stronger position if you know what it is that you want.
The second thing the mediator said was that by giving my spouse what he wanted I would ultimately end up getting what I want. That one took me a while to work out.
So, that cost me $350 an hour. It's my gift to you. Do with it what you will. Have a cannoli.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hey AP, I'm in for a nice Chianti and a caprese salad (maybe we can share a bottle Altair?) please!
I struggle with the standing and waiting issue. I don't think you can stand for your marriage unless you are also waiting to a certain degree. Not so much by giving out WS's the power over how we live our lives but more to do with not moving forward so much that we are too far down the river for them to see us anymore. As you probably know I'm not good at the waiting for H to make his mind up. This will most likely blow up in my face at some point but for me I need to be doing something!
Let's sit by the river for a while and sip our glasses of wine while watching the MLC gondolas slip down the Rubicon. I love people watching so this should be interesting....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks everyone. I love how you all "play along" with whatever the current theme may happen to be. It makes it both more real and more fun for me at least.
Your comments have been very helpful to me this morning as I re-read them. I had been "spinning" a bit now that I've taken some actions wanting to do more and push this thing farther along. I am reminded to take a breath and take my time. There is no hurry.
Originally Posted By: LouR
It does concern me that you say you feel its your DUTY to stand for your m and wait to see if your w comes out the other side of this wanting to come back to you. That word - DUTY - it almost feels like an obligation, not a desire .... Its not easy, thinking about moving forwards without them in the picture, it some how feels disloyal.
LouR - Thank you - this is certainly something that I need to give further thought to. I rearranged your comments to put what I felt are two similar themes together. For me and through my marriage I knew that not everything would be sunshine, roses and unicorn farts. Duty and Loyalty are indeed things that have kept me going. I swore a vow 27 years ago plus I also have promised W that I will not abandon her. Others have argued with me that she has abandoned me by having an affair and by moving out but as far as I can tell she has not "released" me from my duty. Yes, desire is there as well but waxes and wanes with every shift of the wind. I don't trust desire either. I desire multiple contradictory things and my thoughts spin when I focus on that. Duty and loyalty I understand and are core to why I haven't just thrown the towel in and given up.
Originally Posted By: LouR
I tried to be the person he wanted me to be, tried to entice him into being interested in me again, I lived my life waiting for him to come out of this. I now understand (IMPO) that standing is not waiting, its hoping that one day your s will catch up with you and you will remain open to the possibility that you could reconcile should the situation be right for both of you.
This is interesting as well. I got into quite the argument on this forum at one point when I commented that I quite liked the person that I am and that if W didn't that was her problem and not mine. Both she and I have undoubtedly changed over the past while. I can think back to a bit over 2 years ago when she really started changing in a number of ways that were unpleasant to me as she went into replay. If our paths do cross again in the future we will almost be two strangers who have to introduce themselves I would think.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
The second thing the mediator said was that by giving my spouse what he wanted I would ultimately end up getting what I want. That one took me a while to work out.
So, that cost me $350 an hour. It's my gift to you. Do with it what you will. Have a cannoli.
bttrfly - That is a very helpful comment and I love cannoli. From BD1 I have focused on what "I" want out of any settlement and tbh have been very self-centred and greedy about it. None of it has ever come to fruition because despite me sometimes checking the mail twice a day, no letter from her lawyer has ever arrived. I no longer expect one since having coffee with her on the 30th of November and seeing a very frightened confused woman who to me was appearing to be wanting to "do the right thing" and who appeared relieved when I didn't care about "stuff" or money. Even going back to September I started to realize that she wasn't going to be initiating anything.
So. I'm waiting for responses from the bank on some changes I want to make there. I've adjusted my pay to go into a separate account that I set up in July. I also wrote to my insurance broker about house and car insurance and am waiting for that response. Last week I wrote to a firm which claims to do a "simple separation" essentially asking for a proposal based on my situation. I want to understand that process and my options more clearly and don't want to get suckered into handing over thousands of dollars for information that I may not act on. I've already updated my will and life insurance. I've not bothered letting W know.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I struggle with the standing and waiting issue. I don't think you can stand for your marriage unless you are also waiting to a certain degree. Not so much by giving out WS's the power over how we live our lives but more to do with not moving forward so much that we are too far down the river for them to see us anymore. As you probably know I'm not good at the waiting for H to make his mind up. This will most likely blow up in my face at some point but for me I need to be doing something!
I really wish I had an answer to this too. We have an emotional, legal, and financial connection to our spouses and these are not easily set aside and I agree - it's pretty much impossible to do unless we decide that we don't want them back. Partners are not like pants, we can't just put them into the closet for another day. Man - was that ever a bad analogy.
Anyway - lunch time is over here in the real world. Take care everyone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ok - I think I need some assistance with this. I heard back from the insurance broker today and to properly split things up I would need W to file a "Release of Interest" with them. The house insurance isn't due until September so no big whoop on that. The car insurance is due next month though.
Here's a draft email that I need some input on. The general tone is intended to be non-confrontational and positive. I'll be forwarding the email I got back from our broker on this. And yes, she does know more about insurance than I do. The plan would be to send this to her in about a week or so. Earlier if the bill shows up in the mail.
I've followed up with the broker to let him know that I'm thinking things over and to take no action at present.
Quote:
W
The car insurance is coming due shortly so I reached out to [broker's name] for some information on what my options are (see below). I didn't want to act unilaterally on this because that wouldn't be fair which is why I am reaching out to you.
As you no doubt remember we decided at around this time last year to save up and pay this bill in one lump sum rather than going monthly.
As I see it I can either pay the bill when it arrives making no changes to the policy or you can get your own fresh policy signing a "Release of Intent" on the existing policy and removing your vehicle. Two policies would undoubtedly be more expensive than one and would mean digging into the contingency fund to cover it.
[broker name] did give the option of my pulling out of the existing policy but that is not something I want to do. Since you understand this stuff better than I do I would appreciate your input.
Give it some thought and let me know please.
AndrewP
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
All i have to say is ugh (for my situation). Our car ins is due sometime in the spring too (I paid it last time because i thought things would be resolved by then duh). and taxes, the last two $$ connectors.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I think you have too many words by about half. It comes off as patronizing at my read. Sorry I'm not at a computer to give it a detailed edit, but I'd recommend trimming a lot.
