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BluWave Offline OP
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SH, my friend, hello! I have been meaning to check in with you! One of my NY goals should be to spend less time on the computer, including here, but it's not currently a priority. Maybe next year. Ha!

I do have a few goals actually. I fluctuate between thinking NY resolutions are dumb (and refuse altogether) to trying to be unique and edgy with them. This year I will go against my own grain and work towards the three most common and most boring NY goals ... wait for it ....

1. Make more money.
Who doesn't like that? I do have some opportunities and ideas at work, and I have been putting them off, so I think it's time I go for it.

2. Get in better shape.
Who doesn't want to look better naked, right? I know I need to get more healthy tho and so I am rallying some ideas there too.

3. Be more domestic and enjoy more things.
I've got to leave some room for negotiating and generic goals right?
I would like to do more cooking, read some good books, watch some good movies, and try new things.

I think I have already succeeded in the GAL department. I have nurtured several friendships and have become good at making time for them, going out, and enjoy my alone time. Now it's time to mix it up!

Did anyone notice that H is not mentioned anywhere here? This is not intentional, I swear, I just noticed. It's just the way it is tho. Im okay with that. A couple years ago, my M is all I thought about and all I focused on, and I don't want to be that woman. Not at all. I want to be okay with whoever comes and goes from my life. I feel proud to say that I have reached that point.

So I read this cheesy article on FB yesterday about Rs. It states that there are six features that are toxic to a R or M. Each was described and had examples. Light bulb on! I have no idea the validity of this article, but I do know that I am guilty of doing most of them and some I still do. So that was an eye opener. It was everything from being passive aggressive and withholding affection to saying things that are hurtful as a way of asserting control. So yeah, I have a lot of work to do on my M too!

We live, we learn. I have a lot of changes to make too. We will all get there in time.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I think those look more like wishes than goals or resolutions.

And those who like skinny dipping will automatically want to look great in buff coloured pjs.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey Blu, sounds like things are going great for you.

Just wanted to wish you lots of love and happiness in 2017!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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BluWave Offline OP
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Ms V, hmmm, perhaps you can help me out and revise them? I think of goals as things in my control, whereas a "wish" I can only wait and hope would happen.

1. I can control making changes at work that lead to additional pay--take on more responsibilities, more hours, and I am working towards an additional credential.

2. My health has been its own roller coaster, which I can change if I commit to it. I know it's time I get into better shape again, increase cardio workout and muscle mass, and decrease empty calories/sugar/alcohol. I look better when I do this and I feel better too.

3. I can diversify my enjoyable activities, which I believe will be good for me. I feel happy when I change it up. Often for fun, I meet up with friends, have a few drinks, go out to eat, or hang out with family/friends and the kids. There is so much more I could be doing and enjoying, but I need to challenge myself to arrange and go. I love hiking, a good film, a good book, just playing with my kids and being more present, however I need to carve this time out and stick to it!

Coly, happy NY to you as well, my friend! Hugs!

Blu


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Blu,

Perhaps V is pointing towards more specifics...

I.E. Make more money...What specifically will you do for this?
Health...what specifically about your health?
GAL- What specific actions towards GAL.

Time on the computer... same for me.
I plan to be more specific in my time... 20 minutes reading a specific thread. 10 minutes replying to specific tribe members ... 15 minutes jotting down my updates in my own thread...each of these on different days.

Just my interpretation of Lady V's suggestion.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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OK Blu

Your goals should be very specific, achievable, action orientated and in the present tense. It helps if you can visualise them perhaps with a pin board. You have to have wriggle room, and of course you are right they are your actions. You may find like I do that starting with the end result and stepping out the actions may help. And you know to modify them as you go forward to?

So along the lines of

1. I am now including the following additional responsibilities at work, a, b and c, and I am happily engaged in trading for the qualification. I cheerfully request payrise/training/promotion and receive feedback which encourages me further. I am being paid an extra xyz, have extra benefits egg, etc which I have deserved.

(V uses priority management tools, and has three paper diaries, one for actions tomorrow, written in the evening, one for meetings etc for the long medium term, one for journaling and what actually happened today, all very low tech. I am still in business and have paid back 50k US of debt. Moved into my own offices, its a struggle and I have started again at 62))

2. I am energetically fit and active and as a result of consistently running/attendingthe gym/ doing home workouts x times a week for y minutes I have a resting pulse of w and have added s lbs of muscle. I am thrilled that by following the d healthy eating plan that I look and feel amazing. I love my body today.

I use monitoring tools daily and I track my progress which is thrilling and motivating for me.

(V uses a fit bit, joins different gym challenges, and is on a sugar free diet, for your info I have lost 55 lbs, and borough my resting BP down to 58 from 82, I also monitor sleep and steps, my long term sugars have dropped from 9.2 to 5.2. The key is to keep resetting, doing that which works).

3. I have fun meeting with my friends g times a month, I happily undertake interesting challenges with my family h times a month. I go hiking j times a month and I book my activities into my timetable and calendar at the start of each month to ensure that I have lovingly created the time to care for myself by reading, following mindfulnes etc.


--------------------------------------

All I can tell you is it works for me. I also have joined the Superbetter website to recover from the complex PTSD, went to EE this year and trained as an abuse counsellor. I did use myfitnesspal when I first started as a motivator. I still do 12 steps.

Why do I tell you this? It's because without the goals and the help and support of my cheer teams I would probably be in a very bad place.

The more specific and active your goals are the better so

1. Actual (Present tense)
2. Active
3. Attitude (Positive even if the goal is move towards others move away from, even so make this positive)
4. Amplified (Encouraged with a cheer team and tools)
5. Accountable (Individual I)
6. Advised (Monitored know your numbers preferably independently)
7. Achievable (smaller steps)
8. Adaptable (pace changed up or down, sometimes a holding pattern is ok)

------------------------------

Sounds complicated?

So no weasel words, could do, should, try, must. They create resistance to goals.

And have those goals where you look at them regularly, review monthly or every thread etc),

Oh yes and go brag about those achievements and celebrate them.

Hope this helps.

Over to you.,...........

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Oh and one last thing, goals can be tiny and just for one day at a time. They don't have to be earth shattering.

So today I happily drank 3 glasses of refreshing cool water.

In the next hour I will mindfully clean my shoes, answer 3 emails, draft 2 invoices, ring one disgruntled client, talk to the tax authorities about x...........

And so on.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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BluWave Offline OP
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Thank you, Lady V. I love your postive attitude. So not my style tho :-) Maybe THAT should be my NY change. Ha.

And hello friends. I hope the new year is finding you all well! ... If it's not, then maybe it's time to go out and find it yourself, eh? They say "good things come to those who wait," but do they really? I tend to think good things come to those who go out and make something good happen! You can't make other people do things or feel things, but you can find something within your control. Let those be your joys in life and you will always have them. No one can take them away from you. Art? Dance? Music? Cooking? Hiking? Knitting? A new hobby? Journaling? The list is endless.....

Yesterday I was feeling down and exhausted and had little to no motivation to get anything done. Been rethinking lately if I want this M to work, which makes me terribly sad. Honestly my H is wonderful, present, and a hardworking man. Mostly he is a great dad and we have this beautiful family. Hate to think about losing it all. I don't know tho, I just feel like I don't want that ugliness of the A and separation in my history. That's how I've been feeling lately and I don't need to be talked out of it. I know we are all here to save our M, but I also think it terribly naive to believe they will all work, even if they all come back. It's been almost 2 years H has been back, but I want so much more.

So yesterday I did something different. I didn't let myself wallow or go about my usual routine. I made fun and relaxing plans with a friend I adore, on a whim, and I left the house and the mess behind. Just picked up and left it all for an entire day and evening of rejuvenation. Came home in the best mood and allowed myself to have a complete turnaround. Feeling proud of myself and thinking how I can mix it up again today!

Gosh sometimes I wish I could go back in time and deal with my sitch differently. You know what I would do differently? As soon as H dropped his fat ugly bomb on me about that (fat and ugly) OW, I would have simply looked at him and shrugged. Then I would have said, "Okay. I'm sorry to hear that. There is the door and I'll be going on with my life now." Then I would have protected my kids something fierce. Oh, and only the wonderful and safe poeple would get to see my tears. Lastly, I would have started posting here immediately. Lastly, I would have thought long and hard before letting him back in my life.

Ok, putting computer down, and going to be spontaneous again. This time, I'll be alone with my bad arse self.

Peace!
Blu


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Hey Blu, as one of the people who have actually been able to have another opportunity with their W'S, I follow youp threads closely. I get where you are coming from with wishing you had done things different, as I do as well (although my W hasn't come back to me yet). Do you think that what you are feeling is resentment? Is it that you are unable to forgive yourself for not standing up for you when it was all going down? Or is it that Hernandez is still exhibiting some of the same behaviors as before? I am wondering because my W seems to be stuck in a terrible combination of the past and her own version of reality.


M:37 W:38
D:11,S:7,S:4
T:8, M:5
S:6/1/15 different beds
Physical Seperation 7/5/16
Startof NC 7/22/16
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BluWave Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Melo
Hey Blu, as one of the people who have actually been able to have another opportunity with their W'S, I follow youp threads closely. I get where you are coming from with wishing you had done things different, as I do as well (although my W hasn't come back to me yet). Do you think that what you are feeling is resentment? Is it that you are unable to forgive yourself for not standing up for you when it was all going down? Or is it that Hernandez is still exhibiting some of the same behaviors as before? I am wondering because my W seems to be stuck in a terrible combination of the past and her own version of reality.


Hi Melo. Thanks for reading and commenting. I like your questions because they challenge me to think about my sitch more. It's much easier to see things in other people's sitches than our own, isn't it.

Do I think what I am feeling is resentment? Probably. Partly I resent H for what he put me through. And what it did to our R (now) and the affect on the kids then. However, I have also come to understand how it happened and that it was a mistake. I just have this sense that I won't fully forgive him and so I need to figure out over time if I can live with that. Can I fall in love again with someone that hurt me in the worst way? Only time will tell.

Am I not able to forgive myself for not standing up for myself during our sitch? No, quite the opposite actually. I stood up for myself. I fought hard and at times was a royal B1TC#! I actually would text him that I hated him, that he made me sick, and that I wish he had never come into my life. Sigh. Not proud of that, but at least I stayed true to myself. Other times I just kept healthy distance and had firm boundaries. I screwed up a lot and was an emotional disaster. I think I have forgiven myself for those mistakes. I think forgiving HIM is where my issue lies. )I have trouble respecting any man that cheats on his wife with her friend and then leaves her and his kids. Even though I understand how it can happen, it still disgusts me.)

When you ask if Hernandez is still exhibiting some of the same behaviors as before, I assume you mean my husband? I don't know a Hernandez. lol. My H has changed in several ways. He is not the same as he was during the A or when we were separated. That was a dark time for him and he was lost, selfish, and terribly ashamed. He was sort of running scared--I was lashing out left/right--and OW was the snake that was lurking around every corner waiting on opportunities.

He has been through therapy, read books, self reflected, and he is trying to make positives changes in himself and the M. I do see that he has changed. I do trust him. I know that he loves me and the kids and regrets everything.... Can I fully forgive him or learn to love him again without full forgiveness is where I get stuck.

When we are left behind, we long for our partner back and feel so scared and hopeless. When they come back, and after everything settles down, then we have to make the hard choices.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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