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BluWave Offline OP
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I agree with you Andrew. You cannot mindread, know what they are thinking, know what they are wanting, or hang on to shreds of hope. That doesn't work and it is wasted energy. It also keeps the focus on them and their actions, when the goal of DB is to take the focus off of them and take care of the self.

This sounds harsh, but people are not attracted to those that are needy, desperate, or hanging on to them. We are generally attracted to those that are confident, have their own hobbies/goals, and those that are strong. So in the LBS fog, we don't realize that are desperation/neediness further pushes our spouse away.

SBJ, there may be times that your W misses you, wants to spend time with you, or even opens up about her feelings for you. She may offer you hope and say things that are in conflict. Perhaps this is confusing you, especially if she is feeling lonely or guilty around the holidays. Or perhaps she is being clear and you just don't want to see the truth. Even if she does have moments of doubt, that should not change your course of action.

The thing is, you don't know. You have to go by all that you do know and that is that she is telling you she wants out and she is moving out. If things change, then you can reevaluate. If you keep looking for shreds of hope or hanging onto her actions, you are not able to move forward and get stronger. Unfortunately, his can take a very long time, and sometimes years.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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BluWave...I understand how I could totally see what I want to see, but I am working on only seeing what is truly happening. I keep her in my thoughts and prayers daily. I have to see her and speak with her several times a week due to work and the kids, so it is hard to go totally dark on her. She has already moved out and already filed, so I know what she wants...I just don't understand why totally. What she has said totally fits the MLC script and she has totally re-written our 25 year relationship. I am at a total loss.

The holiday did throw me off since she wanted me around and wanted to be around so much, but once the parties ended, she was gone again. There were so many little things that made things seem like before BD...things even noticed by extended family. Hopes up and now back down to reality. Now I need to get back to working on me...spiritually, physically, and emotionally!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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BluWave Offline OP
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SBJ, I am glad that you recognize it't time to work on you! It is the hardest thing to do, but ultimately will serve you the most in the long run.

In terms of if she is having a MLC, or not, well I don't think that should change what you do. Honestly, I think sometimes the LBS finds comfort in categorizing the S as having a MLC, because it hangs on to some hope that it is not a permanent change--they may come back around or they may snap out of it--when really, we don't know what/why. We may never.

So, with the little that I know about you, I do think you are allowing her to cake eat and so she doesn't feel the loss of you. If she has moved out and is filing for D, then why are you spending the holidays with her and having family time?

I am not being condescending, but I am truly wondering. If she finalized the D and has an OM, then would you still want this family time? Or are you only having family time in hopes that she will come back around? I think you should really think about this!

OK. I am going to copy/paste this in your thread so we can continue convo there.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Hey BluWave,

I find your story an inspiration, not because your WH came back but because how honest you have been about your struggle to detach and how it prolonged your ability to heal. This week has been a bit of a light bulb moment for me. I had to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and face the demon of my fear and rage of being alone. My enmeshment with WH, my codependence has fed that fear and turned me into a weak and needy woman. That was NOT the person my WH met. More importantly tht is NOT the person I want to remain.

So I went back to the books and started to read about codependent behavior, narcissistic people (WH has a lot of traits) and also some other self help sites. IT has been eye opening. I am now reclaiming myself and have come to the conclusion I don't want WH back unconditionally. If he decides to come back to the marriage then there will be conditions and boundaries. If he continues to be wayward then I need to cut him loose and to thin own self be true. Your words and wisdom have been very helpful getting me to this point. Thank you.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Blu......I am on open book, but totally understand the need for anonymity.

I hope you are right when you say "you will find yourself again." Today has been a day of crazy emotions for me. Woke up with a headache (which I do often), started the morning off crying as I lay in bed thinking "is this really my life?"
Ended up talking to one of my friends who asked if I could look after her 7 month old twin tomorrow, so that is something to look forward to. Then was looking through a drawer and found my wedding rings and started to cry again. Then ended the day having to take my dog to the vet only to find out he needs surgery frown

So I have gone from crying, to something to look forward to back to sadness. This has unfortunately has become the norm for me. I've been dealing with these crazy emotions for over a year and they definitely make me feel like crap.

I just wonder how much more of this can a person deal with. To say that we as the LBS have gotten the crap end of the deal is putting it mildly. I want to get to a point where I don't have anger towards my H when I think about what he has done. He has moved on with his life and it is like the last 11 years never happened. That is something I will NEVER understand.

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SBJ.......when I read your post it made me cry cause I feel your pain. When you said "maybe I am just feeling what I want to feel. I don't know. I do know that I am trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I will work hard on letting her go emotionally, as she has made the physical decision her self"

I have been separated for over a year and have had minimal contact from my H and yet I still hang on. I don't really know why but I do. I guess like you I am hoping that something I say or do will click in their mind and they will "get it"..... but as so many on here are saying we do not have any control over them. They have to figure it out for themselves. It is so hard to let them go. It doesn't seem right. For me I really don't know how long I can continue to do this and to hang on for.

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skm0619...trust me when I say that I am not one to want to make a woman cry...I truly hope that we are all able to help one another get thru these trying times.

The sad thing is that we know how we feel about our spouses, but they are the ones that are confused. We know what we want out of our marriages, but they are the ones that are confused. Nothing we do or say will have an affect on their confusion. This is something that they will have to figure out on their own. We are just collateral damage in all of this. That is why "WE" need to do the work for ourselves to be the type of man or woman that a spouse would be crazy to leave.

As for how long you can continue to do this and hang on for...only you can answer that, but I hope when that day comes we will find peace in our decision. All of the fine folks here are making this process much easier for me and I hope things ease up for you as well.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Just dropping by to say hello to my dear friend Blu. grin

You are doing a great job of sharing that which you have learned with others.

I would like to ask how you are doing.
What are some of your New Years goals.
I wanted to chat with you a bit as you always provide intriguing conversations for me.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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BluWave Offline OP
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Sara, thank you. You are too kind. I am glad that my perspective is helpful. I am trying to challenge myself to be more openminded to the differences in others' sitches. I recognize that the specific sequence of events is different for all of us. My H did a sharp turnaround, however I don't think it was due to what I did, only partly when I finally let go. I do think that my lack of DB skills did prolong my sitch. Knowing what I know now, if I had implemented DB from day one, I don't think he wouldn't have ever left for OW.

I am always impressed with the resiliency of some of the posters, yourself included! I didn't have that and I developed some very unhealthy coping mechs. Of course I would like to go back and reassure my wounded self that I would be okay. I cannot. So I think coming here and supporting others has become therapeutic for me. I am also finally able to look inward and 180, GAL, etc because I am finally recovering from the trauma of it all. Some of it just needed time. I also am an emotional/type A/controlling person, and so letting go of the outcome and just living has been my greatest challenge.

Sara, I really admire you. We don't often discuss your children, but that you are going through this with 3 young children makes your situation more unique and especially challenging! I just know one day you will look back on this and think, oh my, how did I do that!?! The thing is, you don't have to "do it all." You are perfectly okay the way you are. I was so glad to read in your thread that you can identify what makes you happy. I often wish I was the lady who went to the gym every day, cooked amazing meals every night, and finished a great book every week. But that is not me. And what matters most is that I am learning to be okay with that.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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BluWave Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: skm0619
SBJ.......when I read your post it made me cry cause I feel your pain. When you said "maybe I am just feeling what I want to feel. I don't know. I do know that I am trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I will work hard on letting her go emotionally, as she has made the physical decision her self"

I have been separated for over a year and have had minimal contact from my H and yet I still hang on. I don't really know why but I do. I guess like you I am hoping that something I say or do will click in their mind and they will "get it"..... but as so many on here are saying we do not have any control over them. They have to figure it out for themselves. It is so hard to let them go. It doesn't seem right. For me I really don't know how long I can continue to do this and to hang on for.


Skm, my dear, I am so sorry. It's terribly painful! I hung on for a long time too. We had frequent contact because of the kids and that was hard too. Every time I saw him, it was a reminder that we were not together AND that he was with OW. It made me physically sick and I began abusing substances, was terribly underweight and became this shell of a person. It has taken me the last couple years to recover from the trauma. But I did, and I am, and you will too. I know that because you are here and you are trying.

The thing is, you can't force yourself to let go or detach. Like dieting, the more you have it (food) on the brain, the more you focus on it and the more attached you become. Forcing any detachment becomes a conundrum. The issue is that the attachment is now one sided and therefore pathological for you and causing you more pain. The key moving forward is to allow yourself to develop more, and new, healthy attachments to other things and people. Replace the negative with something postive. I promise it will get better slowly in time. That is why I believe in the DB philosophy--the only remedy is self love, GAL, and 180.

Can you think back to other times in your life that were hard and felt hopeless? Then think about how your perspective of the same thing was a couple months later and then several years later, and how do you feel about it now?

This may seem impossible now, but in time, it will get better and you will get stronger. You just need to get to the place where you can believe.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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