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Originally Posted By: judela
I honestly, did not try to steal your thread. I don't know what I am doing. I did not know how this would show up. I am going to delete it though. little intimidated by this place. Thank you Blu.

Welcome to the board sweetie, I am sure Cadet will give you his normal welcome thread once you start your own thread

here is how to do it.

Originally Posted By: Cadet
How to start a thread

I will use what Job wrote


First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.


Plus How to link your threads

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047


You can not delete your own posts here once they are on the board.
Sorry you feel intimidated but it is really a great place to get advice.

((((HUGS))))) to you.


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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judela, you can post here as much and as often as you like! The benefit of starting your own thread is that you will get more responses.

Please DO NOT feel intimidated! We have all been in this difficult, vulnerable place, and most of the posters are still there right now.

I have reconciled my Marriage, but I am by no means an expert ;-) We come here, we open up and share, and then we know that we will get healthy doses of tough love! Sometimes it is hard to get whacked over the head with a 2*4, but we have to remind ourselves that we all have the intention of being honest and telling others what we think they need.

Please keep posting! If you can open up and reach out, others will come and guide you.

Hugs!
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu....I am a nurse practitioner in an adult ICU. My job requires me to do life saving procedures on people often, make quick decisions and not hesitate when doing that. What I found was that I was starting to not able to concentrate at work and was second guessing myself, so that was when I knew something had to change. I am so fortunate to have the group of physicians I work with because they have allowed me to take this time away and regroup. The crazy thing is that they are all male and have been the most supportive of me during this difficult time.

I'm hoping that I can get back to the old me soon. The one who had confidence in herself both personally and professionally, the one who knew who she was, what she wanted and needed in life. The loving person that people want to be around. I don't want to be sad anymore.....this is NOT who I am.

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Blu ~ I think you are a lifeline for a lot of people because you reclaimed your marriage, so to speak, but also perhaps blinders for others.

It's just a fact of life that many times, a partner is deficient morally, spiritually, and many other areas. And without said partner who is willing to fix their deficiencies on their own, it isn't gonna happen.

So, just injecting a bit of common sense here.


“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha
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skm, as I thought, we have a LOT in common! There are certain details about my life I do not share for some anonymity (details about work, kids, my location, etc), but I certainly don't go out of my way to hide it.

I am glad that you were able to take some time off and regroup. It is great that your coworkers are understanding and supportive! As you return to work, perhaps you can shift your perspective and view work as a welcomed distraction. I was able to do this and it worked very well for me. I find it still benefits me when things feel crummy.

I recall being in the thick of it and struggling, and we had a pt very unexpectedly recover, and after extubation the first words out of his mouth were, "where is my wife?" I just about lost it! Had to hold back tears, excuse myself to the bathroom, splash on some cold water, and then I was good to go :-)

You will find yourself again. I know you will. There was such a long time that I felt lost and that I had lost myself. I couldn't imagine then that things would ever get better. I kept marching forward, I allowed myself to shelf the bad feelings (even if only for a couple hours) and enjoy life and other Rs, and over time it did get easier. Now I can see that it was all in my head and no one else actually DID this to me--not H, not OW, and not really anyone in my past--and so no one else could fix it either. So if you want things to get better, and if you believe somehow that it will, then keep putting one foot in front of the other, and over time it WILL get better.

Take care of you. Tell yourself that every day. Treat yourself as your most precious patient. Because you are. And because no one else ever will. That's the silver lining here. I will always be okay, no matter who comes and goes from my life, and I get that now.

Blu


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Bippy. Thank you for this. You are correct--we cannot control nor fix anyone else. All we can do is control and fix ourselves, learn to love ourselves again, and learn to believe that everything will be okay. People are resilient, we are resilient.

As we can adopt these principals into our lives, we will attract quality people that understand them too. What the LBS cannot see in their own fog is that they (their healthy and balanced self) really don't want a person that could cheat, abandon, and hurt them. They want a person that loves them, respects them, and is willing to do the hard work so save the M as well.

So there is only one option. Let go. Let go of people that our toxic. Let them back in your life when they can show you the love and commitment you deserve.

Blu


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[/b]
Originally Posted By: BluWave

As we can adopt these principals into our lives, we will attract quality people that understand them too. What the LBS cannot see in their own fog is that they (their healthy and balanced self) really don't want a person that could cheat, abandon, and hurt them. They want a person that loves them, respects them, and is willing to do the hard work so save the M as well.

So there is only one option. Let go. Let go of people that our toxic. Let them back in your life when they can show you the love and commitment you deserve.

Blu


[b]So, as your title says, the only way we will heal ourselves is to detach and let go of our unrecognizable spouse? I guess that is the hardest part for us that said we would never leave our spouse/family. We, the LBS, are the ones that took our vows totally serious and would do anything in our power to keep our families together.

So the letting go of them is totally 180* of what is right and just to us and our values. I guess we need to suck it up and just do what works...right?

After a relatively good holiday weekend with her around, I can see how good things could be, but I have no real idea of how she views things. I guess letting go would mean that I wouldn't have an idea unless she decides to tell me in the future.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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"So, as your title says, the only way we will heal ourselves is to detach and let go of our unrecognizable spouse? I guess that is the hardest part for us that said we would never leave our spouse/family. We, the LBS, are the ones that took our vows totally serious and would do anything in our power to keep our families together."

Correct, that is what I am saying. And yes, it is the hardest part. I know first hand and I struggled with this for a long time. The thing is, no one else will heal us, so we have to heal ourselves. This also leads us to being a stronger person and making better decisions about the marriage moving forward.

"So the letting go of them is totally 180* of what is right and just to us and our values. I guess we need to suck it up and just do what works...right?"

It is a 180. That is why DB is not intuitive. Holding on tight to someone that wants to be let go of, will only make them fight harder. It doesn't work, it does the opposite. If you want your M to work and your S is trying to leave, then you must give them the freedom to go. Let them go. Become that person that only a fool would leave. You will be stronger and happier. The hope is that you will eventually attract them back. So letting go and detaching serves more than one purpose. But you can't fake it to win them back, you have to let go.

"After a relatively good holiday weekend with her around, I can see how good things could be, but I have no real idea of how she views things. I guess letting go would mean that I wouldn't have an idea unless she decides to tell me in the future."

The thing is, if she decides to come back and work on the M, you will know. If a person is committed to you and the M, they will let it be known. They will come to you. They will show you the signs and you will feel it. When my H started coming back around, he did not even need to announce it. I could tell, and I could feel the difference.


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Originally Posted By: BluWave


The thing is, if she decides to come back and work on the M, you will know. If a person is committed to you and the M, they will let it be known. They will come to you. They will show you the signs and you will feel it. When my H started coming back around, he did not even need to announce it. I could tell, and I could feel the difference.


I guess that is the tough part. I felt her wanting that closeness this weekend (at least she was a bit different than she has been), but that being said...she walked out the door Christmas Eve to go back to her condo. She had asked my oldest (19) if he thought she should stay Christmas Eve...he told her that it probably wasn't a good idea. He seems to be concerned about her, yet worried about me. He is very intuitive.

She has only been out of the house for about 2 months and I miss her dearly. Maybe I am just feeling what I want to feel. I don't know. I do know that I am trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I will work hard on letting her go emotionally, as she has made the physical decision her self.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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SBJ - I remember the 2 month mark well. It was a very dark time for me and coincided with our anniversary, just like yours coincides with Christmas. I was actually suicidal at one point in that month. Dark times indeed.

You are right - this makes no sense at all. Trying to understand what she is thinking or going through will only drive you mad - I have postcards from my own journey down that particular cheeseless tunnel.

Focus on yourself, your kids and just take it one day at a time and you will get through this.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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