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A Message from Michele
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Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: Sotto] #2717531
11/23/16 06:44 PM
11/23/16 06:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,021
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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yes love. same with me and exbf.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

One, Two, Three, Give it to God
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: bttrfly] #2719053
12/04/16 01:38 PM
12/04/16 01:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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I haven't updated for a couple of weeks, so here we go. A bit of a trying time with garden being revamped and hassles with wrong supplies arriving and the job not being done as well as hoped. Really looking for that to be over with and reclaim my home again.

Otherwise, been doing some nice GAL and all pretty busy - Xmas plans in place and got in touch with SS today to see if he wants to get together over the festive season. I always notice some hesitation in me getting in touch. I do want to keep in touch with him, but also keeping in touch opens the door again to old hurts. Hopefully that will change in time. No news at all about XH and little news about NG - though NG and me are in touch from time to time still.

I feel ours is a funny sitch with little contact since BD, due to geographical distance, DBing and OW presence. I still struggle with this aspect from time to time and want to keep working towards closure. I appreciate I may well not get that from XH - and the times we were in touch, I didn't find what I got from him helpful anyway....I know what I really want now. I need a new family...etc...blah...

Maybe one day, we could actually be in touch? I don't hope for reconciliation - but maybe to lay to rest this period in our lives and the ending of our marriage? Perhaps that can happen, but not in the short term. Generally, I'm doing fine and my life is full, with friends and family around, money in the bank, a cosy home and a job I enjoy. Really, I am blessed. But sometimes my mind still turns to this - the unhealed rift in my life - I don't want to have it there....and I don't see much of a choice at this point.

Divorce workshop ends soon and that has been rewarding. It is good to see people who came in feeling pretty hopeless, laugh and smile again and make new friends. It has certainly been a lifesaver for me and friends in my group say the same. We were lucky to have a group that gelled too. Now, it's good to be able to use the past pain to pay it forward. It isn't comfortable to feel that kind of pain, but it does give you something to offer others at this time in their lives - shared understanding and empathy.

Anyway - that's me at this point and best wishes to you all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: Sotto] #2719128
12/05/16 12:52 AM
12/05/16 12:52 AM
Joined: Feb 2010
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beatrice Offline
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Quote:
Maybe one day, we could actually be in touch? I don't hope for reconciliation - but maybe to lay to rest this period in our lives and the ending of our marriage? Perhaps that can happen, but not in the short term. Generally, I'm doing fine and my life is full, with friends and family around, money in the bank, a cosy home and a job I enjoy. Really, I am blessed. But sometimes my mind still turns to this - the unhealed rift in my life - I don't want to have it there....and I don't see much of a choice at this point.


Sotto, my situation had elements of yours (although he also did the trying to get back together so I had BD 2 in the mix as well)

Anyway for the first period there was virtually no contact and OW etc etc. And for a long, very long long, I felt as you do. I had invested the majority of my life with this man, and I longed to know what had happened to cause him to change towards me. And lay it all to rest.

It has taken a very long time and recently I had the offer of just that - xh saying 'sorry' and wanting to spend time with me, talk things through etc.

At that point I realised that I had changed. Without being aware of it I had given myself closure - finally realised it wasn't me, it was him, and that my life is mine to live.

Why would I want to spend time with someone who had treated me so badly - this isn't victim mode, but the sober truth.

Although he now tells me his behaviour was awful, I see no sign that he has done any significant work on himself, and the disparity between us is huge. It isn't just the distance of time and events, but of the changes that I have made. I feel like a proper grown up person.

When my xh left me and then divorced me he made choices, and I found that I can make choices too that are best for me.

Bad events create their own memories, and I wonder if seeing someone who really hurt us later in life doesn't just stir them up again (not talking about childhood issues, these are a little different)

What I am saying is that maybe by the time he offers it (if he does) you will discover it is no longer what you want. I thought I did want and need it, but actually I don't.

I don't hate my xh, if anything I am sorry for him. He has screwed up his life. However, I feel he has learned little that really matters from all of this, and that further contact is pointless.

Any family events we both need to be at will be OK, but I wouldn't want to spend more time with him.

Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: beatrice] #2721585
12/18/16 01:54 AM
12/18/16 01:54 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Sotto Offline OP
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Beatrice, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. You are further down the road and I so appreciate you passing on your experience. I think that is what I have struggled with - that we lived together for 7 years, were together for over 10, married for 5 and then he walked away seemingly without a backward glance. But I also recognise that what I would get from him now, probably wouldn't help at all anyway and in truth I feel disinclined to make any contact. I also feel a little 'haunted' knowing that he could well be back in touch at some point - but I guess I always have choices to make if that happens.

As you say - whilst it is 'game on' with OW, there's little point and unlikely to be much in the way of introspection going on.

Well, a little update from me. Divorce group has finished now, and was a really positive experience. You can see how it helps people 'going through it' to interact with others further along their journey and it was nice to be part of that. My own D group has a few social things planned over the Xmas break and I'm looking forward to those.

For the first time since we S. I feel much more 'even' about Xmas. For the first time, I have got a tree - a very different kind to the family tree we had. This one is more 'glam' and I have enjoyed putting it up. We have Xmas and Boxing Day invites and I have ambitious 'dancing weekend' plans at New Year. I'm a little wobbly about the dancing part, but we'll see how that goes.

I'm trying to fix up a meet up with SS, but he's a little slow coming back. I texted him another time to prompt him, but we still haven't confirmed a date. I'll sit back and see what unfolds there.

I was asked out on a date this week. Not from someone I have a romantic interest in - but a guy who seems nice and it was a genuine invite. I didn't enjoy 'rejecting' someone who decently and genuinely asks me out - but I truly wasn't interested in him in 'that way.' He described me as seemingly lovely and attractive - so that was nice. smile

Bumped into NG last week. He came to our work site and sought me out, and we had a nice little convo - felt relaxed and easy. My plans just changed, so I'm on his site this week - I'll wear my mistletoe antlers that day - okay, just kidding! Actually, he doesn't offer me all that much and I wonder if part of his attraction for me is his relative emotional unavailability? Hmm..

We had a scare with my Dad, who is in hospital with suspected Pneumonia. He has been pumped with a coctail of antibiotics and will hopefully be discharged today. He seems pretty perky now - mentioned how pretty the nurses are! - but he collapsed with a high fever and bonked his head before being taken to hospital. I was called on the way to our work Xmas party and dashed to hospital - truly I was the most over-dressed person in that place!

Anyway - life rumbles along. I have a lovely new garden now, and my bathroom is on the way to looking nice. Hoping to take a little time to slow down over Xmas, do some baking and mooch around my home town. Some snow would be lovely too...

Festive wishes to you all - this place has been so important to me and I truly appreciate everyone. Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: Sotto] #2721600
12/18/16 06:43 AM
12/18/16 06:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,021
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Hi Sotto,

Glad for the update . I'm so glad your dad is on the mend - how scary the call must have been! I'm sure you looked fabulous, albeit overdressed for your unexpected surroundings. How is your mom doing?

I bet your new garden is beautiful. Hope the bathroom reno is finished soon.

So this is your 3rd Christmas ... and you are finding more balance. Good to read that there's hope.

SS wil be back in touch - I think your approach is a good one. Of course you're seemingly lovely and attractive. Can't fault the gentleman on his taste!

Very interesting insight into your attraction to NG ... You may want to pause and explore that thought a bit.

Overall duckie, you sound like you're at peace, which is a beautiful thing.

Much love to you xoxoxo from across the pond ... where we got some snow and it was a tad overrated xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

One, Two, Three, Give it to God
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: Sotto] #2721602
12/18/16 06:46 AM
12/18/16 06:46 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,888
Southern Maryland
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Sotto,

You sound like you are more than ready for the holidays. I'm sure your tree looks beautiful and our SS will contact you very soon. The two of you love spending time together and he's not going to pass that up over the holidays.

I am very sorry to read that your dad was in the hospital. I am glad to read that he's feeling better. I'm sure he'll feel even better once he gets home and actually gets some much needed rest. Patients don't get as much rest in the hospital as people think.

I can't wait to read about your new garden and what you've planted come spring. As for your remodeling inside the home, things sound like they are on track and hopefully everything will be done soon and the way that you would like them to be.

Enjoy the holidays and be sure to carve out a bit of time for relaxation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: job] #2722131
12/21/16 12:48 AM
12/21/16 12:48 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
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Sotto, I’m sorry to hear that your Dad was in the hospital. But… I’m glad hat he is doing better.
Your SS is a teenager, so expect the mood changes, LOL. It is incredible that he still wants to spend time with you. Most teenagers are so selfish…

I would totally go on the date… You just never know… I’ve read and heard the stories, when someone you have no romantic interest in turns out to be your life partner. You can still let the guy know that you are not interested in him “this way”, but you would enjoy a friendship… I know… easier said than done… being there myself… But, I would still give it a try.

Enjoy the holidays… and baking… and snow (brrrrr… smile...)


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: BrightFuture] #2722745
12/24/16 10:00 AM
12/24/16 10:00 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Thanks for stopping by Bttrfly, Job and Bright xx

Well, Xmas Eve and I'm all set for Christmas. We've had trials and tribulations, but my Dad is home now and seems to be coping okay - though he's not yet 100%. Tomorrow will be a quiet Xmas Day. I'll cook lunch for my parents and then I am on standby to help out at the local church, clearing up after their lunch for people who would be spending Xmas alone. I'm hoping they do call me in.

Boxing Day is drinks with old family friends in the morning and some new friends of mine in the afternoon. I'm heading out soon for drinks with ladies social group friends.

I just wanted to let all new DBers know - Xmas does get better - and even if this Xmas isn't the best, future ones will be better, and you will feel stronger, happier and more at peace.

I want to thank all of my good friends for being here with me all through 2016 - the year of my divorce - and prior to that too.

Very best wishes to you all for the festive season and the new year ahead. Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: Sotto] #2722751
12/24/16 10:24 AM
12/24/16 10:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 4,021
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Happy Christmas Sotto xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

One, Two, Three, Give it to God
Re: Sotto's tootling along [Re: Sotto] #2722753
12/24/16 10:26 AM
12/24/16 10:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,888
Southern Maryland
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I'm glad your Dad is home and is coping okay. He's going to need to take it easy for a while in order to get back to the 100% mark. They will enjoy having you there tomorrow and the lunch will be delicious and enjoyable for them and you, as well.

I think it's a wonderful that you are on standby to help out the local church and being there for those individuals who either have no place to go or no family. It's the little gestures at this time of the year that make it so much brighter for those in need.

Boxing Day sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun w/old and new friends. Enjoy the time you spend w/them.

Happy Holidays to you, your family and friends.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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