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Originally Posted By: BluWave

Hi Gordie. Thanks for stopping by. I will certainly check out your threads. So your W is in her 5th year of MLC? I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I am very sorry.

I tend to be direct in my communication, and perhaps too generous with 2*4s, but I can't help but wonder if this is less of a MLC and more that she has just changed? People do change, unfortunately not always for the better.



Blu--thank you so much for the 2x4 and the comments about the kids; I don't know if this is MLC or just a permanent change, I really don't, but her behavior checks more of the MLC boxes than just a WAW or WW, so the MLC advice has been the most relevant to me. Either way, it seems the only healthy path forward is to detach and let go...so much easier said than done.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: skm0619
BluWave....what you said about giving up control really struck a cord with me. In my job I have to be in control of a lot of different decisions and unfortunately that carried over into my married life. I'm sure it did not make my H feel secure. And what I know see is that my way was not always the best way, even though I thought it was the right way.

Thank you so much for opening up and being honest about your struggles in your marriage. Like you my husband had an affair. I kicked him out the day I learned of it....that was 13 months ago. He only made one short lived attempt to reconcile, which obviously did not work. But what I have since learned was that was not a genuine attempt on his part and he was pressured into reconciling by me. I have since learned that never works. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves before that can happen.

Now I am focusing on me and trying to make myself a better person. This is very hard, but reading your posts does give me hope.


Hi skm, Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad that my posts are helpful. When I was going through my separation, it was comforting to read here and know that I wasn't alone.

Giving up control is hard! I have always been a controlling type person and the decision maker--at work and at home--and I know this resulted in a negative impact on my M. My H is submissive, had the Nice Guy Syndrome, and when things got hard, he didn't stand up for himself, he grew to resent me. I think we are now learning to break those habits.

If your WH is making short lived attempts, that may indicate that he has regrets or is second guessing himself. He may eventually come around. My H had several half hearted attempts, was full of guilt, and admits now it felt wrong the entire time he was with OW. The thing is, these things take time. It can take months or even years for relationships to sort out.

So if you are a type A person or someone that is comfortable being in control, having patience can be especially hard! Try and go easy on yourself, forgive yourself often, and know that in time these things work out as they should. One thing that helped me was giving myself permission to put all the bad freelings aside, even if only for a couple hours, and enjoy moments and time with other people. Overtime it gets easier.

Best of luck and happy holidays!
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
Originally Posted By: BluWave

Hi Gordie. Thanks for stopping by. I will certainly check out your threads. So your W is in her 5th year of MLC? I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I am very sorry.

I tend to be direct in my communication, and perhaps too generous with 2*4s, but I can't help but wonder if this is less of a MLC and more that she has just changed? People do change, unfortunately not always for the better.



Blu--thank you so much for the 2x4 and the comments about the kids; I don't know if this is MLC or just a permanent change, I really don't, but her behavior checks more of the MLC boxes than just a WAW or WW, so the MLC advice has been the most relevant to me. Either way, it seems the only healthy path forward is to detach and let go...so much easier said than done.


Hi Gordie,

It is hard. This may be the hardest thing you ever do! ... However, as with any other obstacle in life, the more work put in, the greater the reward at the end. You can do this, you can detach, but you can't force it. The more you allow yourself to focus on other things and relationships, overtime it will get easier. You may even find that these other more positive things and people, do bring you more happiness.

We teach others how to treat us. So stand up tall, treat yourself with kindness, and don't ever settle for less than you deserve. You will attract others that see you the same way, but not until you can learn to see yourself this way first!

As I started to feel better about myself, and H saw that I wouldn't put up with being treated poorly, he realized he needed to get his act together or he would be the one missing out!

Happy holidays!
Blu


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Hi,
I am new, this is my first post. I have been reading the posts for a while. My H left me after a fight this past June and never came back. He would not speak to me, communicate with me in any way at all. I of course, did all the wrong things out of pure despair, anger and heart wrenching loss. I called, texted, emailed a lot and at times got very angry and said some terrible things that I have apologized for and regret. My H and I have been married over 10 years, he is the love of my life. He blindsided me with divorce papers in July and they were full of lies, terrible things and all of his resentments. I continued my obsessive emailing etc. because he left us with nothing, he would not talk to me at all and I had know idea what to think. There was no OW or EA and I am pretty confident of that. My son has seen him and he said no definitely not. He forced my son and I out of our apartment because he stopped paying our rent, knowing I could not afford it alone, my son and I have basically been homeless sense then. My H lives in a motel and has destroyed my life. Over Halloween weekend I was staying in my car with my son. We lost the key to my car and I had to call him because he had the spare key. He, as ususal, would not answer so I left him a message to which he replied and eventually came to help us. I should also mention, my H was able to get a temporary restraining order against me for no contact, he came to help us, he paid for a hotel room for us, took us to dinner, acted like we were a family, the whole time he seemed very cold though. He also lost his job that following Mon so he was stressed and whenever he got the chance he tried to talk to me about our relationship, the divorce proceedings etc. The short of it was that he was hoping I would settle with him ( I think ) on his terms or come to some agreement with him. He never said so but that is what It felt like. After that weekend, I never heard from again and he continues to ignore me and he ignores my son who he parented for ten years as if my S was his own. My S has suffered so badly from all of this and My H does not seem to care at all. I know I am leaving something out. I love him so much. We had a great marriage until we moved to CA then we started having some financial problems, our fighiing escalated, he blames me for eveything wrong in our marriage, he says I am the reason he behaves like he does. When we fight he gets very ugly and sometimes very aggressive ( breaking things, throwing things etc. ) he will stop at nothing to hurt me. I don't know how divorce busting could work for us, we loved each other so much. there was a chemistry that was magical at one time, he cannot let go of anything, he holds grudges and has deep resentments. I don't want to get divorced, right now nothing is happening with our divorce, his bully attorney threatened and harrassed my attorney until he finally quit, I was not done right in my divorce proceedings thus far, but now I don't know anything, nothing seems to be going on. I am sure because of money, I don;t think he really thought this thru, his decision seemed impulsive. We had just rented another apartment for a year, we were making future plans and big ones I don;t understand, I can't seem to move on but he refuses to talk to me, he seems to have no feelings for me at all, Is this hopeless? Has anyone ever comeback from something like this? please, I need help. thank you


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Blu....thanks for the words of advice and support.

I know that since all of this has happened I have really tried to give up control and what I have found was that things usually do work out alright...it's not easy to do...but I'm going to continue to let go of things. Having patience has not been one of my better qualities, but I'm working on that.

If my husband has regret I have not seen it in a very long time. When I first found out about the affair he showed shame and guilt, but I never really saw what I thought was regret or remorse. I have a very strong personality and he, like your husband, has the Nice Guy Syndrome, never one to rock the boat. He likes to be a people pleaser, and will go out of his way to help people, but unfortunately those people are usually women. Unfortunately he has a lot of women clients, so if one of them mentions something he is the first one to offer help, but he won't help me with things around my (our) house?

I think he doesn't really have a clue how he is feeling, or what he is supposed to feel. His father never showed emotion when he was growing up, and when all of this came out his parents didn't want to talk about it with him when he brought it up, and his dad told him that he doesn't like to show emotion. Their only priority with him in all of this is to help him "move on" but that doesn't mean deal with things. They are not a family that deals with emotional issues at all. They are British smile

When we were communicating he said he felt "numb" a lot. I also think he might be depressed, even though he would never admit it because in his mind that is a negative thing and he likes to say he is a positive person. He mentioned his doctor told him he needs to start taking better care of himself. His only priority in life is to work out every day.

I can't worry about him and need to focus on me ..... which is hard, but I'm learning.

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Judela you should start your own thread so we can give you your own advice and not steal this one.





Originally Posted By: judela
Hi,
I am new, this is my first post. I have been reading the posts for a while. My H left me after a fight this past June and never came back. He would not speak to me, communicate with me in any way at all. I of course, did all the wrong things out of pure despair, anger and heart wrenching loss. I called, texted, emailed a lot and at times got very angry and said some terrible things that I have apologized for and regret. My H and I have been married over 10 years, he is the love of my life. He blindsided me with divorce papers in July and they were full of lies, terrible things and all of his resentments. I continued my obsessive emailing etc. because he left us with nothing, he would not talk to me at all and I had know idea what to think. There was no OW or EA and I am pretty confident of that. My son has seen him and he said no definitely not. He forced my son and I out of our apartment because he stopped paying our rent, knowing I could not afford it alone, my son and I have basically been homeless sense then. My H lives in a motel and has destroyed my life. Over Halloween weekend I was staying in my car with my son. We lost the key to my car and I had to call him because he had the spare key. He, as ususal, would not answer so I left him a message to which he replied and eventually came to help us. I should also mention, my H was able to get a temporary restraining order against me for no contact, he came to help us, he paid for a hotel room for us, took us to dinner, acted like we were a family, the whole time he seemed very cold though. He also lost his job that following Mon so he was stressed and whenever he got the chance he tried to talk to me about our relationship, the divorce proceedings etc. The short of it was that he was hoping I would settle with him ( I think ) on his terms or come to some agreement with him. He never said so but that is what It felt like. After that weekend, I never heard from again and he continues to ignore me and he ignores my son who he parented for ten years as if my S was his own. My S has suffered so badly from all of this and My H does not seem to care at all. I know I am leaving something out. I love him so much. We had a great marriage until we moved to CA then we started having some financial problems, our fighiing escalated, he blames me for eveything wrong in our marriage, he says I am the reason he behaves like he does. When we fight he gets very ugly and sometimes very aggressive ( breaking things, throwing things etc. ) he will stop at nothing to hurt me. I don't know how divorce busting could work for us, we loved each other so much. there was a chemistry that was magical at one time, he cannot let go of anything, he holds grudges and has deep resentments. I don't want to get divorced, right now nothing is happening with our divorce, his bully attorney threatened and harrassed my attorney until he finally quit, I was not done right in my divorce proceedings thus far, but now I don't know anything, nothing seems to be going on. I am sure because of money, I don;t think he really thought this thru, his decision seemed impulsive. We had just rented another apartment for a year, we were making future plans and big ones I don;t understand, I can't seem to move on but he refuses to talk to me, he seems to have no feelings for me at all, Is this hopeless? Has anyone ever comeback from something like this? please, I need help. thank you


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judela, my dear, this breaks my heart to read. Thank you for having the courage to share. I hope you will take Cadet's advice and start your own thread so others can offer you support and feedback. I alone cannot help you, but I can't tell you that you have a very unhealthy attachment to your H. This needs to be addressed first.

In your post you say how much you love him, that he is the love of your life, and that you are desperate to get him back. You also explain that he mistreats you, is abusive, and has abandoned you and your son, even allowing you to be homeless. This is very, very troublesome.

I want you to understand first and foremost that this is unhealthy, codependent, and even a dangerous situation for you and your child. Healthy love is not based on fear and needing the other person to just be okay in life. Unfortunately these patterns are often deepseeded and began in childhood and so they cannot simply be turned off.

The first thing I want you to do is gather reading and materials on breaking codependency and codependency no more. Right now saving your marriage is NOT the priority, because you are in a very unhealthy state of mind. I am worried about you and your son. Your H coming back will not fix this, it's only a temporary crutch.

I also want you to get some counseling so that an expert can help you through this. This is very difficult and takes a long time to heal from, especially as you are caring for a child too. Please, please start a thread so others can weigh in and offer you support.

As hard as this is and as desperate and low as you feel, I want to assure you that your H has not caused all of this. Unhealthy attachments are complicated and the patterns start far before you meet your partner, often without your awareness. So as terribly painful as this is now, your H leaving has given you the opportunity to identify this and start looking inward. If you can get support and begin to heal, THIS will serve you far more in life than this man coming back.

Please take care of yourself and stop focusing on him and what he is doing in the mean time. Him leaving is a blessing in disguise. You cannot see this now, but you will in time. Healthy love is not based on fear and desperation, it is a choice that two people make and it is based on mutual respect and friendship. You deserve that and your child deserves to see this example.

Keep posting, we are here for you! Big hugs!!!
Blu


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Hi skm. Ahhh, I just peaked at your thread, and I think we have more in common than we may both know! What I can say is that people in certain professions are notorious for unhealthy relationships, and not just with poeole, but with substances as well. I try to be acutely aware of that now. I hope that my awareness is/will lead to better life decisions in general.

I also had to take a step back from work for a short time during my separation. I felt weak and unfocused, and one error could have been the difference between life or death, and that is a great responsibility that I could not shoulder. What i realized is that I could change my perspective and allow myself to be absorbed in my work and let it be a distraction from my life.

I have now gotten very good at keeping work and my personal life completely seperate--I can switch in on and off like a light switch--and this has served me well in life. In this line of work, you simply have to let it roll off your back. So as hard as this is now, if you can create that separation, it will also serve you later.

Of course there are always going to be those patients and families that touch us deeply, but it's okay to feel it and grow, but leave it at work. And when you are at work, it's okay to put H on the back burner. It may become a welcomed distraction. This s one more silver lining I have personally found in my sitch.

Blu


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Wow, talking about a warm welcome.. thank you Cadet. I am so new here that was my very first post and I had absolutely no idea where it was going to show up. But thank you for welcoming me and helping me out so I would know.


judeinla
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I honestly, did not try to steal your thread. I don't know what I am doing. I did not know how this would show up. I am going to delete it though. little intimidated by this place. Thank you Blu.


judeinla
W 52 H 56
bomb dropped 6/17/16
H filed 7/2/16
Still Separated
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