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Quote:
but to know that whatever the outcome may be, things will be okay. It all happens in baby steps.


One of the best statements that I have ever read on here.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Agreed!!

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BluWave Offline OP
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Thank you.

I am happy to report that I have nothing to report.

So I will say again and again, to those of you in the thick of it, that it will change. I do remember the hopeless and desperate feelings. I had this constant gnawing fear that things would be that way forever. It was terrifying and I felt so out of control, like I was waiting for someone else to make it okay.

But they won't and they can't. It won't stay this way forever, and time will keep marching on. It will be okay and your life will be even better than it was before. You have to decide.

I don't think I see it this way because my H came back around. I think it is more due to time passing--life keeps happening-- and more so than that, I changed my perspective somewhere along the way. I decided that I want to be happy and that I want to be okay in life no matter who is with me, or leaves me, or comes back or never does....

When you get to that place, and you will, you can make that decision too.

I just wanted to add some comfort in your day, if only even a little bit. I hope all of you will come back some day and tell me, "you know what, you were right, it is okay and it will be better than before."

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thank you...it does add comfort. :-)


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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Hi Blu

Read you story and it has given me hope, my W left me for OM for 6 weeks and cameback, they had a EA/PA for 8 weeks in total.

She has now been NC and back for 6 months, I struggling to keep myself together stil, nothing seems to make this easier, do you have any advice?


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
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BluWave Offline OP
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Hi blueboy,

I'll read up on your sitch to get more details. My initial thought is that 6 months is a short amount of time. I am at 20 months of piecing and it is just finally getting easier! I am sure we all have a different timeline, but I tend to think time in and of itself is needed. Can you think back to other hardships in your life and try and remember how you felt when it first happened? Then a year later? And then 5? Surely the feelings eased up with each passing year.

My one bit of advice is that the process cannot be rushed. You have to feel safe and comfortable with it and accept that most days it is hard. Even if you are "doing everything," you owe it to yourself to experience the bad feelings. I can recall in the early months, and up until 18 months, getting a trigger and the emotions that came flooding back. There were times I would be driving home from work and just thinking about something could set me off and mentally throw me back in time. Behind the steering wheel, hot tears would flow, I was overwhelmed with rage and sadness, and as soon as I saw H, I might announce "this will never work!" or "I will never see past this!"

The thing is, I really felt that way. I tried to numb the pain and I developed some good and bad habits to cope, but really I had to just feel terrible at times. Somehow I had to keep putting my head over heart and just decide that this IS what I want in my life, even if it doesn't feel right or good at all. Just like DB, it is not intuitive.

I still have triggers, but they don't have much affect on me or my mood. I think it has also helped in my sitch that H has been patient, transparent, and has really made the changes he needed to make. I hate to admit it, but there have been some postive changes that we both have made that we may not have if this didn't happen.

Not sure if this helps at all, but I do believe things always get better in time. As hard as it is now, there can also be many silver linings if you allow yourself to see them. Go easy on yourself. This is really hard stuff!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thank you BlueWave, this was tremendously helpful.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Bluwave,

I have spent hours reading your posts and want to say thank you for sharing your insight. Unfortunately, I'm still in the early stages and am having a hard time with the letting go. We are still under the same roof with kids but my W is in her fifth year of MLC and is convinced that we have to D in order for her to become the person she Is meant to be. She is infatuated with a 22yo man who works for her and says she loves him...and me. I don't think I can stop the D but want to minimize the damage to the kids (elementary, middle and high school). How did you do that while your H was being wayward?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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BluWave Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: PsySara
Thank you BlueWave, this was tremendously helpful.


Hi Sara. I don't post often, but I do follow your thread. I feel for you, I really do. You are an amazing woman and I hope that things settle down soon and you can start to feel more positive about your future.

I wish I could offer you more encouragement! I do tend to believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You have certainly been through so much agony, and you continue to challenge yourself to keep growing and learning. I admire you! I think one day you will look back on this and see that you gained something in life you might otherwise not have.

(((Sara)))

Originally Posted By: Gordie
Bluwave,

I have spent hours reading your posts and want to say thank you for sharing your insight. Unfortunately, I'm still in the early stages and am having a hard time with the letting go. We are still under the same roof with kids but my W is in her fifth year of MLC and is convinced that we have to D in order for her to become the person she Is meant to be. She is infatuated with a 22yo man who works for her and says she loves him...and me. I don't think I can stop the D but want to minimize the damage to the kids (elementary, middle and high school). How did you do that while your H was being wayward?


Hi Gordie. Thanks for stopping by. I will certainly check out your threads. So your W is in her 5th year of MLC? I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I am very sorry.

I tend to be direct in my communication, and perhaps too generous with 2*4s, but I can't help but wonder if this is less of a MLC and more that she has just changed? People do change, unfortunately not always for the better.

Back to your question of minimizing the damage to my kids. That's a hard one, because it was painful for them. I wish I had done a better job. If I could go back in time, I would have sheltered them much more. There is the obvious stuff of not arguing in front of them, not having D or R talks with them or burdening them with adult problems, and then of course not bad mouthing your S to them. I think what hurt my kids more than that was having to see me so vulnerable, frail, and well, bitter.

It seems hard to give advice too because kids of different ages and maturities handle these situations differently. For the younger kids I think they need consistency, clarity in what to expect, and more frequent visitation exchanges if possible. Being cordial in front of them is super important, as they deserve to feel safe and know that things are ok. That was very hard! My H wanted to check in, email photos, and be friendly for the kids sake and meanwhile I was so infuriated and hurt by his active A.

For older kids, well you don't want to overdo it with positivity. I think they need to know that things are changing, it's going to be hard, but we both love them and we will all get though this. If we paint too much of a positive picture, we might overlook their fears and feelings. One of my kids was anxious and struggling, and so we found a good child therapist to help. She needed this safe person to share her feelings with.

My oldest (now an adult) did not do well and really went downhill during that time. Long story. She wanted to know everything and she wanted to protect me. I had to find a balance between being honest and open with her, but also creating healthy boundaries and not allowing for too much "friendship."

I could talk/post about this for hours. Its so hard! And there is really no avoiding that some damage will be done. Here's the thing tho, life is hard and people are resilient. Look around the world and what's happening--it's just incredible what people go through, yet we all have this resiliency that we never knew we had.

So maybe instead of trying to protect our kids from the trauma of D, we can serve them better by handing them the tools to navigate through it. Be present, listen to their individual needs, don't sugar coat anything, and lead by example. If they see that you are okay and working towards being okay, then I think they will fair well too.

Hope that helps.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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BluWave....what you said about giving up control really struck a cord with me. In my job I have to be in control of a lot of different decisions and unfortunately that carried over into my married life. I'm sure it did not make my H feel secure. And what I know see is that my way was not always the best way, even though I thought it was the right way.

Thank you so much for opening up and being honest about your struggles in your marriage. Like you my husband had an affair. I kicked him out the day I learned of it....that was 13 months ago. He only made one short lived attempt to reconcile, which obviously did not work. But what I have since learned was that was not a genuine attempt on his part and he was pressured into reconciling by me. I have since learned that never works. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves before that can happen.

Now I am focusing on me and trying to make myself a better person. This is very hard, but reading your posts does give me hope.

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