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Hi Rouky,

I'm not sure if anyone can help you with dreams and goal setting, but maybe you can start with the things you had to compromise on for your H? For example my H would never contemplate adoption or fostering but now that I am planning for a possible future without him I can dream about fostering as soon as my kids leave home. I will also study more and decorate the house the way I want. I'm not dreaming of another love, but that's just me. I don't see how that could work for me, so I'll pass for now.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Just putting down few thoughts. What if I didn't bring the best of H when we were together? One of my friends was telling that maybe OW is helping H to be a better dad. I felt hurt by what she said as H is doing a lot more with kids now we are separated than when we were together. So maybe my friend is right, maybe this OW has a good influence on him.

I remember that when we had SD with us I'd never get involved with how he was discipline her, nor have I ever told him what to do with her. I have always felt that it was a relationship that H should have with her and it wasn't my place to tell him
when to see her, how often etc . I have never offered to take her on holidays with us ( when H and I got married, her mother only told us 4 days before the wedding that she was allowed to fly but her mother put a lot of conditions). So I have never really pushed H to take her on holidays with us as I felt her mum would have created such a problem that it wasn't worth all the headache.

I have to admit I didn't know how to deal with her as I didn't have any kids on my own and as H was so spiteful about SD's mum I didn't feel at ease around SD. So I'm just wondering if all this also might have contributed to H detaching from me a long time ago. I can't undo the past now I wish I hadn't been so naive and have learnt a lot more about life back then!

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Rouky,

Let me put a different spin on the children and their father. Your friend doesn't know the entire situation and since it's not her situation, she spoke freely of how she sees things. I see things just a wee bit differently. I see a man trying to impress others, including the ow, when it comes to his children. After all, he wants everyone to think he's the greatest dad out there right now. This behavior may continue, but in many cases, it won't last a long time. He'll become bored and so will the ow w/taking care of his kids and doing things w/them. Time will tell, but I certainly would take what your friend said w/a grain of salt and remember...leopards do not change their spots.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2720898 12/13/16 04:47 PM
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To be honest Job I'd rather H to carry on being a good dad. No matter what I think about him as a human being, what a sh*##y H he was, and how much I'd like my kids to hate him for what he has done to me and them, he is still their father. I'd like to believe that he has looked at how badly he behaved with his eldest daughter and he is trying to do a better job this time round with our children but as you say time will only tell.

As I have been out a lot lately when it was my free child weekend or with the kids, this weekend I have decided to spent it at home. A bit of a quiet weekend before my journey to spent Christmas with my family. I'm getting used to my own company (whereas before between each relationship I hated it), and I like this me time. I don't feel guilty about not having the house as a showroom house. I don't feel bad to cook what I want without thinking that I'm going to upset his Lordship!

People are telling me that I need to go back on the dating scene because it has been a long time. I'd love to have a companion to do things with, although I have just started to discover who the real Rocky is (still some left over issues to deal from previous life, haha!) and I'm being more honest, more compassionate and more assertive but I know that I'm not ready for a relationship and to be honest I no longer desire to save my M. It is sad to come to this conclusion as even if my life has been hard since BD, it has been the best months of my life as I have done things that I would have never done if I still were with H.

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Bonjour Rouky, comment ca va? Thanks for stopping by my post the other day. I am so glad to hear that you have had the best months of your life since you've been separated from H. Good for you! I hope your journey to visit with your family goes well. And I hope the man of your dreams shows up on your doorstep and that 2017 will be the best year yet for you!

Rain still checks in on your posts from time to time. I don't think she's posting, but I know she cares about you. She and MB and I text all the time. Every day. I'm not on here so much anymore, but as I move into and through the one year anniversaries of BD, EA becoming PA, "we're through", moving out, etc., I keep remembering how this forum kept me going through some really dark days.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with family. Bon voyage!


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Rouky, whatever happened to Shotgun? Does he post anymore?


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Hi, thank you for your kind words. How did you manage to get Rain's number? Give her my regards. I'm sad about Shotgun as I don't know what happened. I tried to post on his thread but for some reason I can't. If he reads me I often think about him and hope he is well.

Thank you fir your good wishes for next year although finding a man isn't on the cards. I went on few dates, so I know I'm not that unattractive, but it never goes to a second date. I'm just realising that my ex's affair with OW has impacted me more than I think it had. I can tell I'm deeply scared by what happened and I'm in the process of rebuilding myself. Although it is taking me longer than I thought.

At the moment I'm trying to be upbeat as much as I can for my kids, but this year I hate Xmas. Last year I was still hoping ex would realised what a catch I am, but this year it has really sunk in that it's over. He gave me the go ahead to close our joint account, so apart from kids what is left between us is that piece of paper called marriage. Truthfully I think I'll get the papers next year as it will be two years separation and it will be cheaper to fill. Honestly I don't think I can forgive not forget what he has done. I wouldn't be able to trust him and so far I haven't seen any changes in his actions (as I haven't seen him physically for about 3 months now). So I guess I'll not be a success in saving my marriage but I'm already a success as I thought I would be dead (figure of speech) but I'm still standing up and gradually appreciating what life has offered me. Yes I am more grateful and I wish I had been able to do that while I was with ex but I didn't have the tools nor was I able to implement them. Now I consider myself a proper grown up but this growth has cost me my marriage.

I'm scared to be on my own for the rest of my life but if I don't do the work now I'll end up in another unhealthy relationship, and I don't want that.

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Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Now the only thing I have in common with ex is our M certificate (I have closed the joint account as we were charged for it when there has been no financial transactions for the last 6 months). Today I have been 6 months into my house (can't believe how time flies). Today was the day we buried my MIL few years ago, so I went on her grave to put some flowers and asked her to protect her grandchildren. Today ( a year ago) was the day I met ex and OW (despite them being out and about in town for few years and behaving like a couple) in town together as a couple, while I was thinking he might be back with us for Xmas.

So a lot to deal with, and I had my cry although now I feel like another chapter of my life has been closed. The next one is the D. I feel a tad lighter as I realise that I'm moving on and closing one by one each door that has a link with ex. I have come to understand that so far every major decision has been made by me: kicking him out (ex said that it made his choice easier between his family and OW. Selling the marital home ( which was financially draining us). Having to put my dog to sleep (ex said it was my way to retaliate, when in fact my dog was so unwell that it had to be done. Filing for legal separation so everything was taken off financially) and today closing joint account which was costing us a lot and was empty.

All this has taught me that ex would blame me as I never made (according to him) any decision when in fact I have made most of them pre-BD, but it shows that ex is a coward as he has everyone else doing his dirty job, so he can freely blame them. Now ex will be expecting me to file. I will let him do his dirty work.

Ex isn't a MLC as he is behaving the same as when we were married, so I see him as a WAS and his affair was only an affair exit. Next month it will be 2 years BD and I'm sick and tired of feeling low, reminiscing about it all as I keep going round again and again. I'm off the rollercoaster, enough is enough I want to be happy, and at the moment it is without ex.

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Hi rouky,
Nothing to add.... Just wanting you to know that I'm nodding along and am supporting you from a distance.

You've stood tall for a long time and you're seeing things differently. While it is painful, it does help to move things along. Wishing you a great rest of the day.


Me- 30's H- 40's
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I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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Now ex is full of surprises. He is stepping up the plates for our girls. He took them ice skating and they saw Santa. The thing is that I'm genuinely happy that he is doing this for the girls. At least he is becoming a better dad than when we were together. Another weekend with no sign of OW (3 in a row!), but I'm not holding my breath as ex is good at lying, so as far as I'm concerned he is still with OW. Now the surprise is that he gave our girls some money to get me a present for Xmas as we go abroad to see my family.

To be honest I'm shocked as he forgot my birthday this year, and I know that the kids haven't asked for the money. I also know that he never got anything for his ex. Now I guess I will have to get him a present too (which I wasn't planning on), as I world do the same for a friend. I'm not reading into anything but I guess the guilt is on him or maybe he hasn't any hate feeling like he has for the mother of his first child.

As for me I drew up a goal list more realistic and that I can achieve easily. I think why I felt so down was because I gave myself big and high targets, so scaling down has helped!

I'm also getting excited as I'm going to see my family. I miss them a lot and I'll make sure I get plenty of cuddles from my nephews and nieces.

Last edited by job; 12/18/16 11:42 AM. Reason: edited several words for poster
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