I would add: stop snooping. You already know an inappropriate relationship is happening, and she clearly isn't offering to stop it. I know how hard it is - it can become almost an obsession, but what are you going to learn that's new?
Snooping is like sipping acid. All you're doing is slowly melting yourself.
Quite. Good way of putting it. I stopped today. Deleted the opendns account that allows me to monitor websites and block them, deleted google Hangouts app from my phone.
She will be back on skype now it's unblocked and I can't access that anyway, so should be a minimum of temptation now.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
]OK - suggestion - read the pursuit and distance thread, and apply that to what you have written above.
On it. It's quite difficult. She managed to push my buttons again and I reacted.
Then she sent me a message saying that she won't beg or grovel or conform to rules or boundaries, that she smashes them down to allow herself to breathe - that she can't bring herself to do it even when it hurts her self.
I just acknowledged that I understood.
Then she responded that she still loved me, she just can't be a caged animal.
I didn't respond to that, have just been keeping it to house & kids stuff.
I will read the pursuit & distance stuff, see how I can apply it. I then need to work out the best way to approach her with the fact that I am not prepared to be in R with her while she continues the EA. As you may have guessed, she can be quite volatile, and I am no angel either when it comes to keeping my outbursts in check.
There is also the issue that I may be back in the MBR tonight (my son's gf is staying over, so needs the spare bed). Once I clarify my position on R, I imagine I will be not welcome in the MBR and there may be a battle if I want to stay in there. I'm sure it's once I can actually win if I choose, but I want to choose my battles and their timing carefully at this stage, as I am still learning and honestly still quite easy to set off, the emotions are still raw.
There will be no temptation for romance in the bedroom. We tend to use individual duvets (comforters) anyway, plus, you'll like this one: I had a vasectomy reversal 10 days ago! It was something we had agreed before I discovered EA. Put it off at one point, then WW was asking for it again when I thought she was getting rid of EAP. I went through with it, hoping that either she would have resolved her issues by now, or that we will solve them at some point in the future. If I left it much later the success rate would drop. I see it as better to have a loaded gun and not need it than need it and not have one. I don't think there is much chance of a SL at the moment, nor would I want one at this stage. We have had one throughout, which is weird, but when you're a couple I guess it is also usual.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Once back in that MBR, cling to it like a limpet and don't let go. Chances like this don't come very often.
Reversing a vasectomy? And WW knows she is Wayward!
Sometimes these disclosures take my breath away.
Please, please please keep those buttons out of pressing reach. I can not emphasise enough how waywards press buttons to get reactions they can use.
Your WW has been gaslighting you and knows exactly which buttons, in which order to get the reaction she might like to suit her purpose. That likely means no alcohol for you especially if you enforce boundaries.
Now is the time to be Mr Super Cool efficient business.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well, she is communicating loud and clear how you have not been setting boundaries, but rather trying to control her. You did well in acknowledging how she felt.
If it were me, I would do the clarification on the R first - I assume that's "I won't have any relationship with you while you are in EA?" - correct? After that clarification, I would not push the MBR immediately.
What usually worked for me was to set the boundary during a clear calm moment, and in advance like , "I will sleep in my own bed in my own room, and I will start next Saturday" - or something like that. Be prepared for the blowup, and practice say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" lots and lots.
Well, a quick follow up. I am sleeping in the MBR tonight as planned to make room for our guest.
WW has been cordial and pleasant, and currently seems to be having a clear and calm moment. She just asked me to send her some more links to help her with 'her insanity' as she put it. I have previously sent her some info on EA's and limerence.
Does anyone know of any good resources for those who are in an EA and want help? I did say to her that it wouldn't help when it came from me, but she responded saying she just wanted links.
However, seeing the effect yesterday and last night had on her, when she couldn't contact the EAP easily, I am sure she isnt ready to take the first steps yet, which is cutting all contact. But I do take it as a positive, with no expectations of anything coming from it at this stage.
She also suffers from anxiety and sometimes depression and last time she was reading some info, it was making her anxiety worse. I do see a link between her anxiety and letting this EA develop, but I know that doesn't excuse it.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice - it means more than I can express.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Once back in that MBR, cling to it like a limpet and don't let go. Chances like this don't come very often.
Reversing a vasectomy? And WW knows she is Wayward!
Sometimes these disclosures take my breath away.
Please, please please keep those buttons out of pressing reach. I can not emphasise enough how waywards press buttons to get reactions they can use.
Your WW has been gaslighting you and knows exactly which buttons, in which order to get the reaction she might like to suit her purpose. That likely means no alcohol for you especially if you enforce boundaries.
Now is the time to be Mr Super Cool efficient business. .
V
Vanilla - thanks for your support. It's odd that you mention gas lighting as that is what she accused me of doing to her.
Alcohol isn't an issue, I barely touch it since my daughter was born.
I'm working on remaining calm, what I'm finding difficult is that when I'm trying to remain distant and detached, it stimulates an argument because she knows I am acting differently and thinks I am doing it to get at her rather than doing it for myself.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Absolutely. I wouldn't put her this direction, the last thing I want her to see is this thread. It'd be pretty obvious.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
