Maybell 40

[DonH]

I'm so glad to see your update. In fact it saved me a post. I was thinking this AM when I sat down to catch up on all the treads here, hmmmm it's been at least a month since we've heard from Maybell. Was going to give you a poke and then saw the update!

Nearly everything you wrote makes total sense to me, well other than one. Taking D13 along with you to get help to navigate the teen years is a great idea. If she participates fully, it should greatly help. Also agree with your assessment of meeting the in laws. The biggest upside is for D as she will be her aunt no matter what. I totally hear you on the others. I never hear from my ex inlaws. Hell I've not heard from ex in 5 years. The step kids are still in contact and I see them as well but totally sense their struggle of being in the middle. Ex just wants to erase that part of her life and pretend none of it ever happened. It's hard to be in the middle.

Now the new guy or your guy or whatever. What's really going on there? It almost sounds a little like acting as if. He seems all in from what you write. You seem hesitant - almost like it's not what you really want but it's what you think you should want or is best for you. Am on on point? Rather than, "I love him so much, he is such a great guy blah, blah, blah" it's more like "he's not who I normally am attracted to but he's the kind of guy I should be attracted to and I should want so I need to keep at it and hope it happens." If I'm correct it's not even that it's not the right thing to do. Sometimes we are bad at picking them and pick all the wrong guys, yet when it's the right guy or girl on paper, we just don't feel it.

This is really hard, isn't it? We want to be able to scream IM IN LOVE and have those feelings yet if love is a choice and hard work, you are doing it all correctly - yet it doesn't feel that way? Am I reading that correctly? If so, how does that not down the road become "I tried I really did, but it's just not there and perhaps never was" you know, all the things that a WAW says. I'm not at all saying that's what you are doing - I'm really just brainstorming here based on what I think I hear you saying. It's almost like he's solid, he's quality, he's great - do why can't I shout I'm in love?

Did I get it or am I way off?

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I'm sorry things have been stressful. I can relate to that feeling of wanting to pull your hair out and stick your head in a cement mixer kind of day...or month. I know it gets to us, but has anyone ever gone to their deathbed saying, "I wish I mopped more?" Not for me.

And nice post, Don. I can't speak for MB, however, is it possible that she is preferring to keep things a bit closer to the vest this go around? I don't know. Due to some of the things we did, some things were very public with x Mr.GB and then he put EVERYTHING on Twitter. And I felt exposed and kind of humiliated. So regardless of who I was seeing, I tell close friends but I'm not making public proclamations at this juncture. Maybe MB is a little hesitant not because she doesn't love NG, but rather she has trepidation not for him, but due to how some things played out with her ex. Would make sense. What do I know? Just a thought.

Hang in there, MB. Try to relax and recharge a bit.

[Dawn70]

So glad to see you post and to "hear" things are going well with NG. Sounds like you have a handle on things with your D as well, as handled as they can be with a 13 year old girl, anyway. I remember those days from when my Ds were that age and I do NOT envy you, but applaud you for taking on counseling for you and her to help you both navigate your world.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving with NG!

[Maybell]

Hey y'all!

Don, I love him and am really enjoying him. If anything, he's a little further ahead than I am in the relationship thing, where I'm moving hesitantly, trying to make sure I understand him clearly and know who he is before I jump in feet first.

Our situations are very uneven because I have THREE kids and he has none. All the flex is on his side. We just finished a long conversation about how to kind of normalize our time together -- every other weekend things are frantic and there is a lot of decompression to accomplish, then it's normal for a tiny smudge of time, and then it's back to reality again. We'd like our time together to encompass more normality.

I hear what you're saying about the right guy on paper. I did give that a little thought when he and I first started dating because he is fairly far out of the box as far as "my type" goes. The things he brings to the table are really outside the realm of my experience and I value them enormously. The ways in which he doesn't conform to my prior experience are really positive.

You asked, how do I keep from being the person who says I'm not feeling it anymore, we're through... Mr. F and I went through a patch about 7 years ago where we both were not feeling it. I reached out to an old college friend who never reached back. Apparently Mr. F started sleeping around. I confessed and didn't do it again; he didn't. I thought about leaving, even though I had a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant... And I realized I couldn't be the sort of person who destroys a family. At that point I started really working on the marriage.

That's how I know I wouldn't just take off because I wasn't feeling it.

I have a lot of fears around My Guy. Judging him rightly is one of them. Understanding myself and my goals in a relationship is another. It's very, very important to me that neither he nor I gets hurt. When i start sounding shaky around here, it's because those fears have really reared up and gotten my attention.

Next Sunday is the one-year anniversary of our first date. I'm in love!!! I really am. But holy smokes it scares the he77 out of me.

[DonH]

You sound much more positive and the info you added makes way more sense. I think this has happened before, several times actually, including when you were trying to help me. The way you put it here paints a much more clear picture, at least to me. I can tell you without a doubt that being cautious, taking it slow, doing all you can to ensure no one gets hurt... Those are all things I very greatly value and am so glad to hear for you. I think you are doing well with all of that! A year is not all that long but in terms of an R it most certainly is a benchmark and milestone. In many ways I'd worry more if you were not in love by this point - unless it was much more a casual R. As for the chaos of balancing three kids in the mix - especially a new teen - wow, that's going to be hard. It's great the two of you are trying to address it, just don't be too disappointed if it's hard to change. It's a difficult balance where the kids really have to come first.

I'm so glad you responded again and feel so much better for you - probably because I understand more what you are staying. There is no rush here - as long as he's not expressing one. You seem to be developing at a good pace, you enjoy being together and you seem to be happy. Don't pressure yourself for more. I just said this to Ginger and will say the same to you, you seem to be very willing to look at yourself and change when needed. Many people fight to admit anything even needs a look much less a change. You seem very willing to do that - at least as soon as you calm down from your first reaction.

Very encouraged and happy for you. Should you be willing sometime, you've mentioned multiple times how this guy is not your typical type, how he brings different things to the table than you are used to. I remember you saying he is not as "flashy" as typical guys, but not much else in the way of detail. Should you be willing, I'd love to hear how some of the other things are also different. I most certainly would not ask you to talk about things you are not comfortable with, but have the feeling many could learn from your expierence of how going outside a normal type is actually a good decision and can work. I know I would as its one thing I continue to struggle with. I am able to push myself to give a wider variety of people a chance but in the end I just like what I like and am attracted to what I'm attracted to - and it just doesn't happen much. When it's not there it's just not there and when it is, I feel miles ahead in attachment. How did you fall in love with someone who is not your type? That sounds like huge growth right there! I'd love to hear more sometime if you are willing.

Always great to hear from you Maybell!!!

[Maybell]

The reason I sound down and uncertain is usually that I'm here for a vent session. LOL. Then I have to answer details and I realize how much I have to be grateful for.

So the family of origin myth about Maybell is that she's a super-smart indoor person who always has her nose in a book, is unorganized and not terribly practical, leads with her feelings, doesn't have a lot of interest or skill in athletic activities. The family value system is that we are ambitious people who all want to be very well-off. So I married a super smart, not very athletic guy with a lot of career potential (realized). And I ended up lonely, always doing things on my own or when it wouldn't inconvenience Mr. Fantastic, and he's so proud of his career success that he celebrates it by hitting the bars and sleeping with women who are impressed with his job title.

Clearly that combination didn't work.

Oh, and I dated lots of guys who were lawyers, had degrees from places like Harvard or Stanford (once, both) etc. Looking back, though, the one guy I was most excited about I never even went on a date with him, because he was a contractor with a really thick Southern accent. I've always regretted that. It was horribly shallow of me, and I really liked him and felt comfortable around him. (We met at a New Year's Eve party, and he kissed me, very nicely, at midnight)...

So when I was looking at my future during the divorce, I resolved that I wasn't going date any executives or anybody whose chief qualification was professional. At the same time, I was GALing like mad, mostly alone, and I decided that whoever I went out with was going to have to be the sort of person who was adventurous enough to take me to do the things I was too chicken to do by myself. Like kayaking, or hiking, etc. Someone who wanted to do more on a date than dinner and a movie.

Well. My Guy is a serious outdoorsman. He has an ice augur for ice fishing, for pete's sake! He's not the sharpest guy I've ever met and he can be pretty stubborn. He never just rolls over and does what I tell him I expect him to do. But he DOES express himself quite clearly. He NEVER has to be asked to help out -- he'll come over in the evenings and start helping me empty the dishwasher just because it needs doing sometimes. We go hiking and kayaking (he owns one...) and he is always on the lookout for some little festival or community event for us to participate in, with the kids or without them. The interests we don't share tend to be complementary. He wants to go fishing; I'll sit in the boat next to him and read a big fat history book, and we're both happy. That sort of thing.

He is ambitious for the things a decent profession can add to his life (like the ability to travel, or support a family) without being ambitious for success in itself. He TALKS to me, a ton, and sometimes asks for my opinion and takes my advice, which Mr. Fantastic (among others) rarely did.

When I say I went outside my type, I mean -- I spent some time finding out what my type really is. I didn't just go back to the same well over again. But I've also done my due diligence on My Guy. He's way more than just a type at this point. He just checks different boxes than the ones I always assumed mattered to me.

Does that help?

[JksD]

Your guy sounds like a keeper!

[DonH]

That helps a lot! It's actually somewhat different than what I thought you were saying and makes much more sense. I had the thought that you were looking for something else and found this guy and just stayed with it when really you were looking for something different all along and he fit the different you were looking for. For me I could totally see falling for someone that was outside of the circles I travel or my typical type but have not been able to force myself to like what I don't like - if that makes sense. Going from a well educated to a street smart with lots of common sense person is something I could do. Accepting a loud-mouth, smoking, truck driver swearing woman would not be.

I'm so very often shocked and even more so disappointed, as I hear how many and how often women accept things they know (sometimes not right away - it takes awhile) they should not. I'll hear women in real life or read on boards like this how their current guy is so nice, listens to them, does things for them, includes them, etc. I'm shocked, (but I get it) that they accepted that or allowed less than they should have in the past but on the other hand I'm thinking, I'm many of those things. I'm the things these women CLAIM to want - especially in OLD as well as in person. They give a list of what they want and it really is me - only when it's standing right in front of them, they don't want it. I'm also shocked and saddened at how many don't want anyone - or so it would seem. I've got an already long and now growing list of seeming great dating candidates that don't want to date me nor anyone else and have not been on a date for many, many years. Then there are those who are rarely without a guy. Not that I'd accept either of that - it's just the frustration of it all in hearing what they want, knowing you are much of that, yet...

But, not about me... what you said makes total sense now. I don't think it opened up a new revelation but it makes me much more understand what you are talking about when you say he's not your typical. All of the rest of it makes sense too. If you're willing to give him a chance, I have to keep hoping someone will eventually do the same with me. Only problem is, will I be interested in them? That seems to be just as rare for me. Oh well.

[Maybell]

Hello peeps!

Here are some things that happened that are worth sharing.

1. D13 had therapy yesterday. Towards the end the therapist brought me in and I had a breakdown. Eventually she sent my girl out to the waiting room and talked through some of it with me, and eventually I decided to just come out and say two things: a) it's often hard for me to manage my girl when she's being difficult because she just reminds me so much of her dad and b) even though it's not ok to, I really hate him.

But things are shifting with my girl. Now she's being normal teen snotty, not snotty plus abusive and bullying. And it turns out that I can pretty well handle normal teeen snotty without taking it personally. So that's a good thing.

2. Mr. Fantastic's girlfriend has the same first name as me. (This is not the woman who broke up our marriage). Today for the first time he sent me a text meant for her, by accident. He was so embarrassed. And I truly did not care. And that felt GREAT.

However, an hour later he discovered his car had been stolen from his own garage (an offsite space he rents half a block away from his house) and I admit I didn't feel badly for him at all. And I'm totally OK with that. No guilt about that whatsoever. Besides, I suspect that one of the Fantastic Girlfriend's sons may have borrowed the car. It has a combination lock on the drivers door and Mr. F keeps a spare key in the console. It's not one of the usual targeted models...

3. My Guy has very opposite political views to mine and occasionally we'll get into discussions about various topics that can get slightly heated. Mr. Fantastic is a sharp guy intellectually but we didn't usually get into a lot of those kinds of discussions because we agreed a lot. My Guy is fun to talk to partly because he does NOT back down. I can keep a conversation going with him and it will follow a long path from where it started and we learn a lot about each other. It does sometimes make me pause -- can I *really* like and trust someone who I disagree with on such fundamental things? He points out that our values are actually fairly similar, it's just the conclusions we draw that are often divergent. My next door neighbors are similarly opposite in their political views (from one another) and they've been happily married for 30 years. So I try to keep my eye on the things that are really important -- like the fact that My Guy is willing to communicate these things with me, and that I have the good sense to listen to people I disagree with.

4. Our Thanksgiving trip was so lovely. I loved the rhythm of basically living with him for a week. He treated me with so much care. Twice I fell asleep waiting for him to come to bed, and woke to find that he had dug up a blanket to put over me because I was cold. Once he had to go down to the front desk of the hotel to get it and I never even asked for a blanket either time, although I wasn't warm enough. When someone protects you that way, who cares about political perspectives?

By the way, we've been dating for a year now.

5. I was in a meeting at work this afternoon and came out of it to see 7 text messages on my phone. Turns out my mother's cataract surgery was successful. I had no idea she even had cataracts. All the rest of the texts were my brothers and sister-in-law saying they'd been praying for her all day.

My grandfather (her father) died on the operating table during cataract surgery when I was 14.

I haven't spoken to my parents in about a month. It's hard to. They are so busy playing all the time, and when I try to talk about what's going on in my life they throw really trite advice at me that isn't relevant to how I'm living at all. And time passes without my really realizing it. Then the more time that passes the guiltier I feel and I avoid dealing with it by avoiding calling them. And they never call me in the meantime, and then I get a text saying Mom's cataract surgery was successful and now I really feel like a jerk so I want to call them even less. I don't know how to break this cycle other than to put calling them on the calendar.

And my mother is so clear with her boundaries of what she will and will not do. She WON'T come up to visit because it's too far (although they're they ones who moved away from me). But she wants me to send the kids down "when they have a break sometime" so she can "help me" by looking after them when I'm too busy. I say "They don't have any more breaks until Christmas" and she says, "you know, if one comes up." Because we all know that's how schools schedule time off. But anyway...

6. Work has gone simultaneously a lot better and a little bit worse. But I feel like I've turned another corner. I can see how things are supposed to work and all the plates are spinning at the moment. Getting that to come together has woken up a piece of myself that has been dormant a really long time, maybe even since BD. The kids are with their dad tonight and so My Guy came over and I cooked a really nice steak dinner, etc., and after he left I moved the laundry over and bled my radiators. I've been worried about the dang radiators for months and now after a two minute Google search and 15 minutes with an adjustable wrench, the problem seems to be solved. That has given me a little more confidence that I can get the rest of my act together too. I SO WELCOME the idea of feeling competent again. I hope this feeling lasts.

Sorry for the novella. Believe it or not there are a few important things I left out, but I want to cogitate on them for a while before I admit to them out loud. I think saying the ugly thing about D13 to her therapist released some of the anger I'd been holding on to and I'm so relieved to let it go that I feel a lot more like myself than I have in a long time. It's a good feeling.

[Ginger1]

Glad to see such a great update. Congrats on your one year! I'm happy your daughter is turning a corner. That's such a relief for the both of you.

I am also glad your opposite political views are not breaking up a relationship, but it seems to make it stronger in a way. I've seen politics destroy too many friendships as of late.