Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[DDJ]

I hope that the connection is getting stronger Blu. You know that he is your soulmate, and you're not gonna give up. He feels the same way too and if two people don't give up on each other then nothing, absolutely nothing can stand in their way.

Look him deep in the eyes, don't blink when you talk to him. You have nothing to hide, except your soul, so don't hide it.

Sorry if i'm a bit much.

[Bee29]

Blu,

I did not read all of your threads but from what I read you are afraid to fully get in. Which I completely understand. Just like you, I never thought I would forgive infidelity and all the destruction it brings to the family (and extended family and even friends). For me it was a deal breaker. Until it happened to me...

I am a very strong and independent woman who does not really need a man but wants one. So, I always thought that I rather be alone than living with someone who betrays me. But when it happened to me, I realised that while my h should have thought better, should have been stronger etc., I was not ready to destroy our family for that. I was hurting like I could never imagine I would. But at the end I forgave him. And I learnt that if you want to succeed in getting back together you need to forgive.

Your mom is right, you are punishing him. And I totally get it, I was doing the same. Until I realised that if I want to make it work, I have to stop that. And I can tell you, it can be done. It took us some time but I made a mental list of pros and cons and decided that if I want my family back I have to trust him again even if it means that my heart will be broken again. So I did. It was not as easy as it may sound. There were better days and worse. I did not completely stop thinking about it and I did bring it up from time to time.

All you need to get over it is time. So, try to think less about the past and live more in the present. Don't think about the future. Especially don't think about the fact that you may get hurt again. Yes, you may. Or you may not. The chance is 50-50. The question is, what is worse, throwing away the chance to be truly happy, or try to be happy and maybe get hurt.... Btw, you are not punishing just him, you are punishing yourself.

It took me one year to completely stop thinking about h's affair. What helped us was a few weekends away, just the two of us. Not all of them were purely romantic. One of them turned out to be a disaster even (yes, it was me who ruined it, recalling things I should have left buried but just couldn't help myself). But it was all part of the healing process.

Granted, once I was completely over the first affair, soon after I discovered the second one. But my h is in a full blown MLC and I should have known better than reconciling with him before his MLC was over. In your case, your h seems to be doing all the right things so do not look at my experience as an example of how things may turn out between you two.

Is there a guarantee that everything works out well? No. Is there a chance that if you let go of your anger and fear things can be much better than before his affair? Yes. The only question is, are you willing to take a risk.

I must say that I do not regret reconciling with my h after his first affair. We had really great time and our kids were so happy to see us all loved up again, until a death in his family sucked him back to his MLC. Yes, if I knew that time that if MLC is not fully completed it comes back and gets much worse second time, I would have waited with the reconciliation. But I still don't regret it.

From what you write and what some other posters say, it seems that your presence on this board is holding you back. Forgive me for saying this but, in my opinion, you are taking it all wrong. You should not hold back out of "loyalty" for those of us here whose spouses are still acting out. I think our stories should serve you to understand your husband and the reasons why he did what he did better. You should realise that he is just a human being who makes mistakes, who was weak, etc. Yes, he should have known better but... He is definitely not the only one.

I do not want to excuse any cheaters. It makes me angry that they do not think about consequences and how much their actions hurt others. But this board did help me to understand my h and his reasons better. I even forgave him for his second affair (which now seems to be over) even though I do not want him back now (at least not yet). But I do understand him better. Try to do the same.

I wish you all the best! I do hope that with time it will get much easier for you and you will fall in love with your h again. And I hope that it happens before he gives up trying...

[BluWave]

DDJ, thank you. And thank you for the laugh. :-) Maybe we could all use a little more romance. I was thinking more diamonds would be nice too. Ha!

Bee, thanks for weighing in. I haven't read any of your posts. So your H had an A, you worked through it, he had another A, and now you are most likely done? What was the time line on that? I'll look for your thread. Can you link it here?

I don't think the boards hold me back in that I feel loyalty with other DBers, but more so it was (less as I move forward) a constant trigger. It is also a painful reminder when I read about LBS pining for a WS that is walking all over them. I want to see more LBS DB, let go, focus on them GAL, etc, because I know it is the best thing for them. I also can see how much I added to my own pain by not doing it correctly.

I am realizing that I can shift my focus and perspective to better understand how/why things could have happened to us, as opposed to being left with a painful trigger. For example if I read a post where LBS is struggling with an emotion that I can relate to, I stop and think about why I may have experienced that too, how I handled it, and what I could have done differently. This is where the focus of my advise comes from.

So over all in my sitch, I have turned another corner. I feel closer to H and I am making an effort to let some walls down. We have had some fun dates recently. I have tried to tell him more specifically the things I want from him and he is doing them. It feels nice. I have decided that I can fall in love with him without codependency. I don't want that. I want a genuine friendship and the type of love that we both choose each day. It's ironic because I thought we had that for the first 12 years or so, but I can see now how we didn't. Was this sitch a blessing in disguise? I have no idea.

I also want to post about my continual DB efforts--I always say it is for life--because I appreciate the posters that can do this.

For my 180s, I am trying to be more flexible with H and the kids. I am allowing them to make some decisions that I normally would make. I am exercising more patience and giving up some control. I am also trying to be more present when I am with people. It is an ongoing effort for me.

For my GAL, I have been spending much more time with friends. I have gotten a house cleaner, which has freed up some time on my days off. I have taken up a new hobby and been crafting with one of my kids. I have decided to take up a new exercise program, and realize that I have fallen off the wagon with fitness, so I am looking into what that is.

I have been given some new responsibilities at work. I am going to study for a test and additional credential.

More so, I am trying to work on being less hard on myself. My friends are walking in the door. More later....

Happy Sunday. Keeping on DBing folks. It's for life!
Blu

[Bee29]

I don't post much, I have only one thread so far (in Midlife Crisis forum). I don't really know how to put links here yet. But you would not find my posts very relevant as I only started to post after I asked my h to leave which was after the second affair was discovered. So, I only mentioned the first affair briefly and not the happy time between the two as it was not really relevant for my current situation.

To answer your question about time line, after I discovered his first affair, he put an end to it and we agreed to work on the marriage. But given that he was her boss, he had to continue being it touch with her. I insisted that he doesn't talk privately with her, no lunches together etc. No lunches he respected but she kept texting him privately (mostly about her feelings and how hurt she was) and he was replying (not to all of them but still).

When I found out he apologised and explained that he had to do that in order to make sure there will be no consequences professionally. He said he did not tell me about it because he did not want me to hurt unnecessarily or think he is doing it because he still has feelings for her. I would understand if he told me but because he didn't we had many fights the first few months (3-4 months). Fights continued even though immediately after I discovered that they text privately,he talked to her and explained that it has to stop. Which it did but I did not believe him at first.

But then I decided that I have to trust him if I want to make it work and stopped with the fights and bringing up the past on regular basis. Then things started to improve between us and we had really great year and a few months together. It was much better than before the affair, I must say. We were really happy. After a year since the affair was discovered I did not even think about it anymore. Completely healed. Until his uncle passed away. The day after the funeral he went on a business trip and since he came back things started to get worse again. And later I discovered the second affair.

But again, in my case my h goes through midlife crisis for several years now so it's different. I just wanted to tell that marriage can survive infidelity and can actually get better if you let it. Even for strong independent women who always believed they would not accept such thing.

I must admit that some of the best memories of the two of us I have are from after his first affair. I thought we had really good marriage before but realised it was not as good as what I thought. Once we started to rebuild the marriage we were really honest with each other, open about our feelings, much more sensitive to the feelings and needs of the other one. We had that before too but it was different. I cannot explain it. It was just better (once I decided to let go of the anger and hurt).

I'm happy to hear that you feel closer to your h and letting some walls down. I have a few friends who survived infidelity and now claim their marriage is much better than before. I hope it will be the same for you!

[DDJ]

Hi Blu,

It's about letting go of the control of our lives that we think we have. You cannot control your heart, it wants what it wants. But our mind muddles it.

We were built to love, without fear.

Bee, very nice story, it's not over yet, but finding happiness in a storm is what life is about. Everyday can't be perfect, so you need to find the perfection in it.

[Vanilla]

I am glad the book resonates. It's an unusual stance and found it released me from the requirement to forgive and also to chunk it down.

I can let go of this, I can let go of that. I can see my role in the problem. It prevented me seeing forgiveness as all or nothing thing, a big chunk to chew on.

I no longer have guilt that I can't forgive, and am not ashamed of who I am. Plus I have no reasons to forgive that which isn't mine to forgive.

Complex I know.

It makes my life and my sitch so much easier.

If you can let go of the need to forgive all of it then I think it makes living so much easier.

Hugs

V

[BluWave]

Don't you just love it when you write a long post with all of these epiphanies and feel goods and then you go to proof read it and post, and then POOF, it just disappears?!? Lol. Sigh. Ok, well I guess I will try again later. Happy weekend, friends!

Blu

[SH_]

Don't you just love it when you write a long post with all of these epiphanies and feel goods and then you go to proof read it and post, and then POOF, it just disappears?!? Lol. Sigh. Ok, well I guess I will try again later. Happy weekend, friends!

Blu

I have begun to type them up in a word document...then copy and paste...only a computer crash can do this to me know.

[PsySara]

looking forward to reading your epiphanies, I think I have a lot to learn from your journey.

[BluWave]

So I wrote a post yesterday about how I saw XOW and then I didn't post it. Why? Well because she really has little affect on me and my life now, so why even give her any energy at all? I like where I am at with this. She's truly pitiful and I have less anger and more feel sorry for her in some ways.

So let me tell you what I am grateful for. Now that I have taken my energy and focus off of toxic people and off of analyzing how the piecing process is going, I have freed up more space. I know it sounds cheesy but I do believe we only have so much energy and time in our lives and the more we give to one thing, the less we have to give to another.

I have made several wonderful friendships in the last couple years; I am so grateful to have these people in my life. I have been enjoying my time with them and making new traditions.

Getting ready for the holidays. Not much new to report. Work is good. Kiddos are thriving. New family members and lost someone dear to us. Such is life. I think overall I just feel better in general.

I can see how DB has paid off in other areas of my life. I feel more patience with myself and others. I realize I used to have a lot of anxiety about several things--situations, finances, etc--and that slowly facing them allows me to overcome them. More so than facing anxieties, but to know that whatever the outcome may be, things will be okay. It all happens in baby steps.

I think part of my progress is due to giving up control. I was very controlling in my M and with my family. I made the decisions because it came naturally for me, I had stronger opinions, and because my family looked to me to do it. Well, I am realizing that others need control too, even if they don't want it or think they can't handle it. I now let H and kids weigh in more and go with the flow. It's important that they feel capable and understood, even if it isn't the best way IMO.

Sometimes things take a little bit longer, or cost more, or don't work out, etc, etc. The old me would bend over backwards to make sure everything was done effectively, cost efficiently, and in ways that made sense to me. Now I've learned that it was coming at expense of the feelings and confidence of my H and kids.

I wasn't inconsiderate or selfish, we just had our different roles, and I didn't see outside of this. I like to think of this as another silver lining in my sitch. The more silver linings I can find, the more my life feels decorated and beautiful.

Blu