Feeling Lost 3

[peacetoday]

SRT

I hear your frustration with this- and I understand how hard it is

The only thing I can say is TIME-
If she feels she is sick and needs to get better, there is not much you can do except support her-validate her-be her friend
and let her go as she wishes-
Hopefully she is in therapy

If she is in MLC-then it takes a lot of time -at least a few years-

She may want to hold on to the Family and you- while she steps into the world to see what its like

You can choose to be there for her without pursuing or pushing while at the same time start creating a new life for you
Counseling will help you as well-
Grieving the old M and letting go
Read about letting go and detachment
12 step meeting like CODA or Alanon offer techniques and support for letting go ( free)
Taking good care of you and your kids

We have to let go of the old to create whats ahead and because we dont know the future we have to make choices today that will be in our best interest-No matter what our spouse decides
Your wife seeing you supportive of her while also moving on a little may arise some curiosity in her
Hang in there..

[srt]

Hi Peacetoday, I really just don't know what to do, sometimes my sitch seems hopeless.

I want to know how "getting better" affects US, ie why wait for that? In what way does it determine the outcome of M?

I should also say W still says she has no self confidence. I asked if she had sought help about all this w doctor. She said no and I know she is not in therapy either.

However she has no problem going on road trips with her family and posting pictures all over facebook about how wonderful it is. It's like she has a split personality, or a public and private face.

I know I need to GAL, just wanting to make sure I'm not doing any more damage with my actions. I know I need to support her as best I can, but I don't want her to eat cake by wanting to spend my parental time with kids but never offering hers.

[Rose888]

Hi folks, been a while since I've been on here and calmed down a lot since then

I've been reading a lot on here about other peoples sitches and now really we really all are very unique in our cirumstances.
Regarding my sitch nothing much has changed. Very little forthcoming from W, no more "dates" though we did spend a family day together.

One thing I'd like a little guidance on from reading other threads is how do I approach these family like things? W does not really invite me or include me in any, yet seems peeved I do not invite her. I am positive she is being very selfish with this and do not wish her to get the wrong idea of what it would be like if we D. I should add I still love her and want to work this out, just want to make it work.

On our recent "family" day the discussion did get to R. W was visibly uncomfortable with this, and was saying she wanted to "get herself better" before R. I asked what she meant by this and she mentioned various health issues. When I said what happens if you don't get better she just said "then I die".
I'm not sure I get what "getting better" has to do with our M?
Other than that the day went well, although W declined an invite for tea with us, guess she is still not ready to start working on anything.
Just rambling on now. Appreciate any and all comments, thanks

It sounds like a fair bit of pursuing (the R talk, the invitation to tea). Have you considered doing a 180 on pursuit?

I would probably stop inviting her to family things for a while. There are worse things than having her be peeved. It sounds like she isn't motivated to work on things, so give her space to figure out what she wants.

[Rose888]

Hi Peacetoday, I really just don't know what to do, sometimes my sitch seems hopeless.

I want to know how "getting better" affects US, ie why wait for that? In what way does it determine the outcome of M?

I should also say W still says she has no self confidence. I asked if she had sought help about all this w doctor. She said no and I know she is not in therapy either.

However she has no problem going on road trips with her family and posting pictures all over facebook about how wonderful it is. It's like she has a split personality, or a public and private face.

I know I need to GAL, just wanting to make sure I'm not doing any more damage with my actions. I know I need to support her as best I can, but I don't want her to eat cake by wanting to spend my parental time with kids but never offering hers.

I can think of at least four ways her health issue could be tied to the R:
- She needs to make diet or lifestyle changes, and she thinks you won't make them with her and it will be harder for her to make them while with you.
- The R takes up time that she feels she needs to spend on health issues.
- The R is hard. The health stuff is hard. She doesn't have mental or emotional energy to work on both at the same time.
- The health stuff is only as excuse to stall you because she isn't ready to work on ithe R now, but she doesn't want to say she'll never work on the R

Don't waste time trying to figure out which it is.

[srt]

Hi Rose, forgot to thank you for these.
Yes you are right I'll never know the true reason for why she said that, it does feel very frustrating though when I want to be able to help her.
Still find the whole lack of effort from her very frustrating. Actions speak louder than words, but so far her lack of action is speaking volumes to me.
Yet despite all this she says she does not want to get divorced?? Very confusing.
Guess I need to just step back and busy myself with something more rewarding.
Thanks again

[peacetoday]

I think if she is verbalizing she does not want a D--That is hopeful

Many of us get the exact opposite, and at Bomp drop our MLCer is pretty clear is OVER
and D is looming and thats my story

I think you are right

Give her space
No R talks
Dont ask her what she means instead
try to validate her
even if you dont understand it-talk to someone else like us or a counselor that is on board with these techniques
validation can be done by a nod, eye contact, a reply like -I hear what your saying
try not to advise her just listen
Listening means a lot to women
remember this takes a lot of time if its MLC-you can't force her through it
take care of you..find a hobby
learn an instrument, read, make model airplanes, go fishing
let her see you are taking care of you while balancing being there for her-
good luck

[srt]

Updating again so I don't get too far behind on my sitch.

peacetoday: thanks for the reminders, I'v ebeen pretty good I think at following most of these, although all of us can always improve in some way.


In other news I had a great holiday with the kids, lots of days out and seeing stuff. Also visited some relations which was great fun, kids loved it and were amazingly well behaved, made me very proud.

However starting to feel a bit down again since back to work and usual routine - my GAL stuff kicks in then but hard to stem the feeling of disappointment that not much is changing in my sitch.

W behaviour has been erratic again as usual. She even brought a gift at one point for me which caught me unawares but I was appreciative of. She has also been fairly pleasant although did keep asking where "we" were during hols - like checking up on kids and our activities. It's like she is angling for an invite to something, yet I haven't been asked out by her to anything. Family have told me that is tough for her - she left and therefore has not right to know what we are up to, if she wants that she knows what actions re the R she has to do. Suggestions on how to manage this would be really helpful - I don't think I am ready to invite her on all these activities as it definately feels like cake-eating to me, yet at the same time I also feel sometimes I am "punishing" her by not responding straight away or giving minimal information. I know this may be my issue to sort (my feeling on it), and just stay dark but it is often on my mind.

I counter this against her radio silence during the other part of our holidays when she has children. She also never brought them round for Halloween (although I didn't ask - no pursuit and all that). She also seemed really pissed kids had a good time with me and were not falling over to cuddle/jump on her at changeover. This attitude may also have been due to not getting asked to any events with kids in my time. She had D in tears while waiting in the car whist S was getting changed at changeover - she was pissed at me because he was not ready to go at the instant she arrived. My parent have said that this is because she may wish for the kids to remain dependant on her - MIL has real issues with this and has intruded in the past and passed traits of this onto W.

I'm continuing to hang back and go dim, giving her space etc, but I'm not sure if this is working tbh. Equally any form of "pursuit" is usually rejected too so I guess I can't win
She has said though that "I never speak to her" etc so I guess she is noticing I'm withdrawing.

Not sure what my next moves should be - I'd like to get the dating going again but realise it is pointless unless she wants to. I did suggest last time we spoke about it that we do it on a rota so no one feels like they are losing out on contact time with the kids, but then I think really, if it comes down to that, how important is the M to her? And that is my conundrum as I don't want to pursue, yet she has openly admitted she has no self-confidence so I doubt she will pick up the courage to ask me. I may simply ask her what she thinks about our last conversation sometime, since I asked her to get back to me and nothing as of yet...

It took us until the point of counselling at which we were told we should basically get divorced (since she was unwilling to change anything) for her to say "no - I don't want that" yet she has never came out and committed and said she wants to fix our R - just "try it and see what happens"
I'm not sure if that is enough for me, but I also know I have real trouble keeping my expectations at zero.

The problem I have at the moment is I really don't feel I'm making any progress at all with ME. I've done my GAL and all the other stuff but really don't like the way things are. I realise I should be grateful for what I have, and lots in my life is good, but I must admit I am struggling to fill this gap. I know time will heal, but I'm not sure she is making any progress, and know I even doubt MLC!!! That is how crazy I now feel.

Hope this makes sense when other read it back - I've jumped about a lot and re-edited. Looking forward to some constructive criticism and insightful comments. Sometimes I feel I get a pretty easy ride compared to others in here....

[srt]

still here, just giving this a bump to see if anyone can offer me any words of advice

I still get the feeling W is trying to reach out - just wondering if the step of me making the effort to jump the gap is the right thing to do or not.....

[roist]

I haven't caught up on your story fully but I would vote against jumping in . You cannot bridge that gap before she is ready.

[job]

If you attempt to bridge the gap, she will most likely distance herself from you because that would be considered pursuing and putting pressure on her. When she's ready, she'll find a way to reconnect and bridge the gap. Please allow her to do this in her own way and on her time clock. Dig deeper for patience and do not forget to breathe!