Whew... I just took a deeeeep breath as I added the threads and started this. I can't believe that it has been almost a year! The whirlwind is calm, for the most part. Things are settling and falling into place. I am not exactly where I want to be (in my physical location), however it has greatly improved.
It is really nice to see some "old friends" popping in... and for the newbies, well... my heart goes out. I still find it difficult to really look at those posts. I suffered such PTSD, that in a way I had to close that chapter. Bam! Closed! However, I wish I could come back and help, as others have for me. Moderators may tell me to scram! Who knows what kind of advice I would have!
Last time I posted, I was in the process to close on the refi of my house. Last minute, I hit the breaks, put it up for sale and bought a new one in a different town. Although I'm not nearly as adventurous as my dear friend, Shining, I went to the place that was best for the fam. In the town I grew up, work, have family in, and where my d15 transferred schools to.
I can't tell you the relief I have felt from being away from the town with all the negativity and the chance of bumping into someone... cuz we know how that went down...
Once I moved away, I became wide-openingly aware of the intensity if felt every day living there. I have found that my adrenaline was pumping 24/7. Every time I left the house, I was white-knuckling the steering wheel, in anticipation of running into a situation that would... well... whatever. Anyway, I don't have that anymore. However, my body has suffered serious adrenal fatigue as a result! What!? Well, I'm good, healing, dealing. MLC will really take a toll on everyone involved.
Haven't had a convo w xh in about a year and a half. Weird, right? I mean, its not bc I don't want to and have no reason to. But When you spend more than half your life with someone and think it would get to that, its hard to imagine. But, I wouldn't want it any other way at this point.
Very seldom, but once in a great while, I get the, "wth are you doing???" when I see him. For example, when I was packing up getting ready to move (he must have found out via his bro who lived next door and saw the sign), I texted him that I had some of his things (like birth cert, and import docs). I could have tossed them, bc wth do I care? But, I have really tried to take the high road. He was over in a few minutes to get them. I met him in the driveway, hand it to him and kept moving... I was busy! He kept trying to talk to me and ask questions. Clearly, I am in such as different place. I don't want to engage and don't even get it anymore. It was like a stranger asking me personal questions. I think my reactions was such. And he asked me this.. "Do you have the Army video?" OMG, you guys! He asked me for an Army 3 min recruiting video that was taped when we lived in Alaska. He wasn't even in it. And it was from like 2 decades ago. And who has a VHS player? And... what???? He didn't ask for one thing from the kids, any of the pictures... NOTHING from them! All the stuff they've made him... like nothing. He has NO childhood pics from my kids... No pics at all! Wow. That was... hmmmmm.... unexpected.
The day we moved, he drove by so slowly... checking things out. It was weird.
I mention these things because I very, very, very rarely see him. Have no communication with him, and don't really think about him. So when I see this from him, its just... weird.
I saw him this week for the first time in months at d15 vball game. We made eye contact for a quick sec and he sat on the other side. Thankfully. Then, I turned around later and saw he was sitting behind me, up a few rows. Again, weird.
I can't believe I actually spent this much time even typing about him bc he is so insignificant in my life now. But, I guess bc he is the reason I came here, and its always interesting (for lack of a better word) watching the choices and behaviors of a MLCer.
There are other bits and pieces, but really... who cares...
D15 is doing well. She sees him occasionally. She saw the baby (now prob a year and a half!) once for a second. Hasn't really talked about it. She is busy with school, sports, and friends.
S19 is off to college. I can't believe how much he has grown in the past few months. He is right back on track of being the young man he was prior to bd. It took him a bit to come around, but boy, can I relate.
He does not speak to xh at all. He ran into xh in the grocery store one day. Xh was pushing a cart with the the little girl and xhh's son. S19 found out right then that he had a "little sister" as he said. Up to about two months ago (that day), he didn't even know the gender of the baby. I think that was a lot for him. Seeing his dad in that role, with other kids. He even said to me, "Mom, I can't think of a time when he ever took just me and [d15] to the store."
Whatever, people tell me sometimes about seeing xh and the two kids all over. Well, I don't know why people think I want to hear bout it, but... whatever. And I know his style- and that ain't it. He must be miserable.
He looks it.
I'm good. My new house is- MINE! My job is going well. Still working other jobs too. Still with NG. It's been over a year now. We don't live together or anything, but I see him a few times a week. My kids really like him and he is good to me.
My dad is off the wagon... totally. And it is def affecting my parents' relationship- again. Sorry that they divorced when I was young bc of it, and now... blah....
I have a very new perspective on life. And I've found a lot of my old self, which was buried and almost forgotten and left for dead!
Man, I feel like this post is so Debbie-downer-ish... and I totally don't mean it to be. I think maybe bc I have gone to a place I don't really go. talking about a negative thing in my life. BUT... that negative thing turned my life around to the most positive thing it could have ever been and that is my current life, my outlook on life, the revival of myself, and my future!
Thanks to those here who have helped me along the way! I will post to some of my friends here soon. I will try today, but what I have found is that I can only do certain things in sorter spans now... I know, I am a weird-o. That hasn't changed.
Oh yeah! About 4 months ago, xfil passed away. I don't exactly know what happened.
My kids told me. They asked their dad if hww could leave for like 10 min so they could go to calling hours and pay their respects. He said no. They didn't go. I didn't go.
I know it seems very awful of me not to recognize it, but it really felt like the right thing to do. I prayed about it.
He was not really a good man to his family. He never spoke to my kids. He took advantage of his own family, including us and never hesitated to "make off" from us or anyone. I will not say anymore, bc it isn't necessary, but I could.
I found, in the end, I didn't need to go. I told my kids I would go with them, if they needed to support them. They didn't.
It was their choice. I understood, but was supportive either way.
About a month laer, out of nowhere, xh told d15 that I was evil. I was baffled and dumbfounded! I had gone out of my way to not fight with him and not give him a reason to turn anyting on me. He made his choice, and I let him go do it. I just laughed and said, "What did I do??!!"
I think he's mad that I didn't give him the attention he wanted. And frankly, my dear...
I really don't want to sound cold-hearted. It wasn't like that at all... I really prayed hard about it. And I don't regret my decision at all. And that's what I encouraged my kids, don't do something you will regret. I don't think they do either.
Mighty! So glad to hear you moved! I never regretted moving 45 minutes away, it feels great to know I'll never accidentally bump into my ex. (I did see him a year ago when helping middle son move; I didn't recognize him at first when he drove up ..... He just looked like some old white guy. My Tall Dark and Handsome boyfriend was helping us: apparently when I was out of the room TDH thanked my ex for divorcing me and told my ex that I was the best woman he'd ever met! )
I bet your D15 is happy with the move, it sounded like it was so tough on her with kids at school knowing the whole drama.
My youngest hasn't spoken to his dad in almost a year. My ex probably thinks I have something to do with it, but no. I've always tried to put a positive spin on ex's behavior and encourage a compassionate view - but youngest son sees ex for who he is and has a right to his opinion. He hopes to reconcile someday but feels his life is more peaceful right now without his dad's negativity in it.
I always felt like your H got trapped, and is doing his very long penance. Still he didn't have to neglect your own kids in the process of raising his new one; that's the part that really has repercussions.
My ex, on the other hand, went off in search of his MLC rewind. He met and married a woman 18 years younger, bought a duplex at the beach and lived his surfer paradise, partied with her thirty-something friends, etc. But reality has caught up; in the last year his wife's mom died unexpectedly, her father developed dementia, came to live with them, then they shipped him to her brother. Then promptly my ex's father was diagnosed with lung cancer, has just finished chemo. A lot of ugly reality and mortality intruding on that fantasy of pretending he was thirty again.
I'm glad you moved, I'm glad your kids are doing better, and I hope your NG is treating you like the princess you are. Xox
OMGGGGGGG!!!!! MY GIRL, MIGHTY!!!! So great to read your update!!!!
And soooooooo proud of you for letting go of the old house. That was a brilliant move for you, in my opinion. Totally relate to the fear of running into old ghosts!!! WOW!!!
I am smiling so big for you right now!! And doing a round-off back handspring into a full twist and YEAH, GB....STUCK THAT LANDING!!! You sound like a completely new woman! And congrats on NG going well!!
Ok I'm going to read your post again slowly because I was too excited the first time
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
OMG! Great to hear from you, Mighty! I was wondering about you recently. Congratulations on your move and your new place! Now you don’t have to worry about bumping into someone, you are not close to your ex BIL, and your D doesn’t have to worry about someone at school knowing your story. It will probably take some time for your kids and you to heal from this horrible MLC shock, and I think you made the right decision to move to a new place.
As for your xh’s request for the “Army video” and not asking for the kids pictures… I think he is still deep in MLC lala land. I can only imagine how hard his awakening is going to be once it comes to it…
I’m so happy to hear that the things with NG are going well and the kids like him. Cheers!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Mighty, it's good to read of how well you are doing! I can recall reading your threads when I first started posting on the forum. It sounds like a great choice to move to a new place, where you can be out and about and just relax and get on with your day - good for you.
For me, XH and OW live miles away in a big city....I occasionally have to go there and I get irrationally scared about bumping into him/them/her. All of which is pretty unlikely, but I dislike going there now.
KML, I love that your guy said that to your XH - bless him for doing that!!!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It's so good to have an update from you. I'm so glad you sold your home and relocated elsewhere. You certainly needed a change and the change has been good for you and your children.
I'm very happy for you. You've come a long way and you are right where you need to be...in a peaceful environment.
Go girl!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mighty - Wonderful to hear an update from your little corner of the world. Right after BD I followed you posts with such intensity because you showed such strength and empathy while dealing with MLC and the irrational/ridiculous reality of it all. I was in awe and thought the name "mighty" was so appropriate.
Glad you have bloomed in a new home and created a life that you can embrace. So happy to hear you are moving forward on your terms.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Ellie... I literally giggled and got all sorts of excited to hear from you! Aaaannnnnnd, I'm not really a "giggly" sort or chick... so... I think I'm excited to hear from you! I love that about your man. That is so awesome. And doesn't it feel so good to be with someone so different than your ex! You have always been an inspiration to me... and always so frank, real, and keen with this whole debacle. I really respect that. Thank you for that. And yes, NG is great. Everything dbex wasn't and couldn't ever be.
This happened for a reason. And for that, I am grateful.
Shining- I don't think I have to say a thing... you know what's up...
Hi Bright! How are you? You have always been so perceptive, and you are probably right. I hope things are going well for you and you are finding your way. You are such a sweet person and deserve great things. It was great hearing from you.
Hi Sotto.. thanks for checking in. Yes, moving was one of the best things I've ever done. I'm realizing now, reading all of the responses, how many lbs actually have to move for their own... sanity? Wow.
I know the feeling you have when you go into the city. I get really frustrated going certain places bc of that. I avoid the place I lived for 15 years. BTW, we moved there bc I had a family member there and it was close to where I grew up and a place I really wanted to live. So we went there and he lives there now with her. But whatever, I don't even care. However, going towards the city, where they live closer to and work, I get those feelings. Barf. I wonder if that will ever subside. I mean, I don't care about them, its just something... tainted by them. That's the only way I can describe it. And to date, I have never seen them together. Nor seen the "baby" or her, really, for longer than a minute in non-raging eyes.
Whow, I tend to digress here... Whoa, whoa, wow, wow!!! My fingers get-a-tappin!
Anyway, Sotto.. I hope someday you are able to enter the city carefree of that tainted feeling and anxiety. I know you recognize it as "irrationally scared" but I think that is a major part of what they do to us in this irrational situation. Good luck and take care.
Hi job... your post was like a hug from mom after a long separation! Thank you... for everything...
Awwwwww... Gwen.... that was soooooo sweet. I don't know, hearing someone followed my sitch makes me slightly nervous! I'm glad you aren't judgmental! I don't know about strong, but an irrational/ridiculous situation it was! But, I must say, yest, I am moving forward on my own terms. I would have it no other way. And never will have it any other way again. I hope you are well. You have always been so sweet and sincere and I hope things are good for you now.
I just have to say how nice it was checking in here. Like visiting with old friends. I don't have any social media, that not my thing... but what this group here has done for me is truly amazing. Thank you so much. I still follow advice from many here and still appreciate the kick in the pants I'd sometimes get to get me going on my own path.
Aahhhh... Autumn! My favorite time of year! Just got home from a trip to Michigan State where my 2sister in laws and daughter visited my niece. What a beautiful weekend!
With autumn, comes the many, many things I love... Along with some traces of... Stuff...
Post BD- three years, now. Can't even remember the exact day, and my brain no longer functions in a way to fish for those minute details...
Xh's bday...
And what would have been 20th wedding anniversary, yesterday...
Now! Let me say, I am in a place I could have never even imagined. Ever! Thank God!
I'm still drawn here. I have a place in my heart for the amazing cyber friend ships and support I have found here. And sometimes I just need that little bit of... Reality? Perspective? (One of my all-time favorites!) Encouragement?
Well... New developments? I can say that I continue to remain as dark as the universe allows. Even with 2 kids, we have no reason to communicate and xh has reached his limit to which his narcissistic ego will allow him to be ignored. S19 has no contact and is away at college. He's an adult and it's his choice. D15 and I moved to a diff town and I solely take care of her. 100%. Although she is limited contact, the have *something* and I stay out of it. It's more like an out of town uncle (even though she has a better r with my Bros)... But it is what it is and it's theirs. The most damaging part is his constant pushing of his new family on her. But she's working it out.
So, back to developments, as I'm less than a bi-stander or observer due to the lack of anything. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's best for me. Especially with a clearer understanding of co-dependent and narcissistic relationships.
So here it is:
1) xh in a very cowardly way, informed d15 he was bringing the baby to her vball games. D15 shut it down. The way it was done was nauseating- on his part. Honestly, I saw it coming. Pre-baby I could read this sitch like a book- I swear! She hates he was going nights to see her. And, of course dosent trust him, and clearly, what other way to make a statement? So you know... I know it would never sit well w her. Plus, he'd see me there w bf... Yadda yadda
What I know bout xh- he'd NEVER WANT to take a toddler ANYWHERE! Let alone by himself and to a volleyball game!
But, like I said, I saw it coming from the jump. I could go on, but why bother?!
Oh! But, even this! D15 said no way! He didn't really come anymore. I don't think it was allowed. Oh so sad... And unreal... To have someone come into a family, then decide when and how a father can see his daughter. Weird.
2) my brothers saw xh the other day. My oldest has not seen xh since this has all gone down... 3 years!!
Xh turned the corner and there they were. He walked up to them and put out his hand to shake. Bro said nope. Xh said, come on... Bro shoes him away with his hand. Oh I love him!
3) xh is getting married! Well, those of you who know me from around the way know how I would have handled that... Ha- it's whatev. I'm literally smirking right now.
Anyway, I'm doing this on my phone, and that's a lot to type on a phone!!
You sound like a completely new woman! And congrats on NG going well!! 
