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Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2701671
09/02/16 04:46 PM
09/02/16 04:46 PM
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AndrewP Offline
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pbetra - Thanks for swinging by. I'm new here since your last visit but thought I'd wave "hi". It sounds like you're doing well in finding yourself.

Best of luck as you continue on your journey.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: AndrewP] #2701677
09/02/16 05:12 PM
09/02/16 05:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi Andrew,

Yes, thanks, I am doing better. I do have my down days but they are fewer & further apart!! I have arrived a place in my life that I never imagined for myself - I would not have associated it with me, maybe someone bolder. I can even do more than I knew I could. What a trip!

I will stop by your thread to see what's been up with you.

What I can say is that, this really takes time to run its own course, & the course has to be realized. Everyone's course is different as well .. different 'routes' of different periods of time.

I haven't seen your thread but if you take care of you and follow the advice of those here, you will find yourself at a place that is healthier for you in future. grin cool

Best of luck to you, thanks again for stopping by. p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2707680
10/01/16 06:45 PM
10/01/16 06:45 PM
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Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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I read andrewp the last time I visited, also in pain. Got me to thinking.  

I have not gone back to see my posts since I came to DB. I am not sure why, it's not that I didn't think of it. I may have felt a little shaky, especially since nothing was really resolved, so I chose to not 'dig anything up.' At the moment, my tentative plan is Jan - March 2017 (March would make it 3 years since this all began).

In 2014, I didnt know up from down or left from right, as emotions merged together in a soup of chaos & anxiety. There was a desperate, ongoing restlessness & urgency within, that could not be shaken. You have been there - some of you are (unfortunately) just getting on board. To say I was saddened, was simply not 'adequate.'

In this forum - there were so many different personalites to 'e-meet' - with differnent background experiences, & yet we met here because of commonality. All of us carried varying 'hurts' at different times along the way, relative to our development & socialization, different insecurites, successes, failures, up to this point, and then some more along the way here at the forum! We were (& continue to be) all in this 'soup', within various stages of maturity concerning our shared experiences. Trying to decipher so much at the same time as what was happening, wasn't always easy for me. It isnt easy for all but for some it is harder relatively speaking.

Can we be in an infinite number of places at the same time, & expected to closely pay attention to each scenario ??
I was so 'all-emotional' with the dominant emotion being fear. Fear consumed me. I couldn't see the extent of anything. When you're IN the whirlwind, vollently swirling around - you can't see the mass, the dimensions, the bleek colours. You're IN it!! It is only time & distance that propels you out of it. At some point, when you look back, you see the whole sick entity of which you were a part. AND you're STILL suffering from all that 'motion sickness!'

Cowardly 
I don't (or others) consider myself a coward BUT I am seeing more & more that I was in my M. I did not 'make waves.' To make waves, would result in only the tsnaumi type wave(!), which would then take me for a hell of a ride, before being drowned in its fury. Again, these events are 'easier' to handle for some than others. I have a trememdous amount of fear issues & those distracted & impacted on me even when I was NOT aware. frown

I am learning more with time. I had no idea re: the enormity of my 'fear situation'. This has been a valuable learning aspect of the overall traumatic experience - but more so learning by myself. The opportunity to 'truly grow up' and clean out internal sludge & garbage without reservation or hesitation - but most importantly without observation as if being graded.   

I was afraid to lose H. Afraid to lose my M. ( possibly just a little afraid to also lose that which was opposite of me & what to some extent I wish I could be - "brave" (which was appealing. I don't know as yet).   

How times have changed! 
As the months went by, I went from nights of sadness, lonliness, doubt and uncertainity to enjoying the PEACE of mind. I began breathing out - was free & whatever happened wouldn't be a crisis. Funny enough, the work sitch grew WORSE this year. Money still IS a real problem BUT I really don't worry about it as much as I did! It's weird. I'm financially worse off than last year but my mindset is better in spite of this reality. I just deal with 'whatever' every month. It's hard, & yet I handle it somehow.

I did get sick, but I was healthier than I realized & I fought off 'stuff' with my own defenses. No high blood pressure, no blood sugar, cholesterol all good (this I did not expect from how I felt at times).. all good medical feed back. The exercise and meditation is working. The over work & fatigue was responsible (which is to be expected), so I have to be mindful to pace myself (as advised by my doctor ). I listen to 'sleep music' with simple rhythmic patterns and focus on them to try to get my mind to settle (you can find them re: yoga meditations, alpha, delta brain wave music that sort of thing). 

What I really believe is that getting some space helped me. Toxic situations are what they are and I couldn't really move forward with him in the picture after a while. He still impacted on me, even when I thougth I was handling it.

There was the 'background noise' of constant self management, not crying, looking/acting confident, planning/'GAL-ing' - which was too much when I just wanted 'to be.' 

Physically separating  from the offender made me feel empowed, less controlled and FREE to fail, to make a fool of myself without having to hear some snide remark echoing in the background - just loud enough for me to hear. Free to be a #$$^%^ idiot and KNOW that the sun would still rise, to make mistakes and not tbe blamed, insulted, belittled. Interestingly enough, I was more of an idiot with him around.

I came to a point where I did not give a rat's bum about H - most times! This feeling or way of being surprised me. We chat but I can relate so much to the thread re: inpain, piecing, I have A HARD TIME trusting. It's that simple.

After he left, we still saw each occasionally re C. We were 'friends' although it was all artificial & sometimes strained. I knew he wasn't real with me, just curious as to how I was managing. So I too was artificial - making sure that he didn't see me in a depressed or sad state during hardship.

After many civil visits, I wondered if he was coming out of the tunnel and I was curious re his metamorphosis. One day, he wanted to talk!! It was the first time that he initiated something on this level as opposed to shallow observations (weather etc) for small talk. He shared a few things re: future, mentioned "us" which i hadn't heard since this began. I simply listened.

A Blast from the Past:
Some months passed by & I made a 'mistake' one day eek - I was assertive (have not been this way ever). A friend told me to keep strong & I remembered her words. I stood up for my thoughts & feelings (after all he said he wanted to talk). He didn't like it and shut me off, refusing to hear what I said, walking away as I spoke.

It wasn't ovely important, it just signified to me that, that part of him hadn't changed. He always dismissed what he didn't want to hear, & typically with insults ('my way or the highway'). It was always simpler to leave him with 'whatever.' 

I wondered why he implied that he was interested (!) in getting back (??). I felt after the above that he probably wanted the convenience of a 'safe wife,' but doesn't want the changes to make the wife happy ('my way or the highway'), which in succession would make him happy. It didn't matter to me either way, I was off discovering myself - which was long overdue! I continued with what I could. Some days were frustrating but that had nothing to do with him, just me trying to forge a future.

Some time after that, H communicated renewed interest in the R again (!!).  He was civil. Careful not to offend (that's new) There was a part of him that had begun to change a little (as mentioned above). The conversations continued to take on a different feel - less detached, more interest in me and C (!) More interest in being a FAMILY again! The problem was that he seemed to want to pick up just where he left off! As though NOTHING happened! This I found 'astonishing' ..

He was kind & I felt in some twisted way that he was really trying - & really wanted a future with us. I wondered why. One day during another visit, another conversation was initiated by him, this time it went further. I told him that I could not return to the R without T. I didn't plan to say this, it just came out. I tend to say what I feel more often ... (I have also been remembering more dreams ????) 

Anyway, that convesation escalated. It was the talk of T. T always makes him upset. In any event, I 'held my ground' - said what I had to say!  The calm left him although he remained more 'composed.'  I noted that the outburst seemed more improved. With him, I very rarely trust.

Much of the familiar crap returned. Blame. All that I had done wrong. Even the altercations with other people & relatives (!) resulted because of his frustration with me (& not the fact that he has anger issues) blah blah vlah .. I agreed with him but continued that since I made him sooooooooo unhappy, that we 1 - stay separate OR 2 - give it one final go WITH Therapy. 

Heartfelt
I held my ground - but I felt the repercussions! frown I never felt my heart the way it did that evening (& I thought I was fine - this came out of nowhere !?). It wasn't the usual heart palpitations. It didn't seem like a heart attack from what I read/heard of. It was something else. I assumed it was stress & VERY BIG FEAR manifested. It was the first time I went AGAINST my grain. My mind & body wasn't used to this - so it reacted to the alien behaviour.

I stayed with it, stayed within the horrific moment, pulling (!) on air very subtlely, pulling on air, telling myself "breathe". My back was turned to H by then as I continued to try to slow my entire system down. It lasted about 5 minutes but felt like 5 hours! I even managed a smile to myself (still with my turned back ) in the midst of it! I smiled at my audacity to not submit to any intimidation.I coudln't believe that this was me - it was so different for me. I had dealt with a miniscule psychological hurdle of some sort and that's probably why there was that weird level of discomfort. I noted the level of indifference that I had re: the M & I think that H was genuinely surprised by my attitiude (what card can one play then?)

H must have thought about much of his reaction because when he visited C the next time, he was open about certain 'concerns,' even admissions! iI thought of this as damage control. On the visits following that, he tried to be affectionate - and consequently sometime after that gave me a hug & clearly wanted intimacy. He was put off that I was "not trying"  (??) I did not comment. I am amazed shocked about the expectation that we simply pick up where we left off without meaningful communication or help.

Sad thing is I really have no emotional resources left to even pretend. I really need this rest period. I do.
IF I ever return to the M, it cannot be wihtout T/therapy for us both.  If I could afford it now, I'd be there in a jiffy (whenever, I manage a little $$, I distract C's. reality /'life monotony' with something fun! And we always have a great time together. I love him so much & it is reciprocated (although we have our moments LOL) In any event, until T is possible, the space and opportunity to be by myself is therapy in itself! It just 'feels freer.'

I was just wrapping up.
I left this post to return to check typos as my eyesight isn't what Ii used to be. Two things happened.

> H called to say he will be away and will see us in a few weeks. It is possible he will drop in to see C before. In spite of the many 'disagreements,' he isn't too put off. lol
> I also heard that some things didn't work for him, so its no wonder I am soooooo appealing ... again. He knows the kind of person I am - anything but shallow & fickle (unlike 'out there'). Too Incredible wink sick .

He's clearly not 'done,' but I am! I cannot return to what I left. Only with time & T can there be a 'chance'. 

In the meantime
I continue with expressive arts & am improving. I get a lot of material re this experience!!
My dreams are more vivid, &
like the song says( James Bay - Let It Go) says, "you be you & Ill be me" cool
(I'll do "we" with T/ MC thank ya very much). grin

--------------------------
ps: hope you are getting out of pain, in pain. will check on you all another time. hope that i didn't leave ya with too many typos!


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2707746
10/02/16 07:06 AM
10/02/16 07:06 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi all,

I glanced at

Feyth on happiness course & Rouky 'starting life over' after posting but had to get ready for bed. Starting over caught my attention of obvious reasons.

I did positive psy. course Feyth. It's a little different but equally interesting.

I think that some level of psychology should be part of our overall education! grin We understand so much more re advances in technology - probes that reveal the outskirts of the galaxy, advances in medicine & medical scanning & other equipment. The most amazing buildings, bridges & structures in Dubai, China .. all over the globe! It's all so impressive! And yet we are so behind re understanding ourselves. crazy I very much welcome these wonderful courses as a means to help us understand & learn more about why we feel, react the way we do - even when we want to feel react differently at times.

We still 'reside in reptilian mode' as you know. We know this but we are not yet able to manage it as effectively as we should. The course I took mentioned that we have a 'negativity bias.' We are wired to think this way so it's no wonder that overcoming traumatic events are so hurtful & challenging. Negativity served our ancestors. Evolution made it so. Today we are still impacted.

For the course, we had to outline goals for ourselves. This was a project.
I included short - long, 'even longer' (!!) term goals. wink

SELF DEVELOPMENT below. General 'work to' areas: Professional & personal. Mind. Education. Creative. Travel

- Health - *mind + body:
Meditation, Yoga. Also listened to Tibetan singing bowls (as recommended by a forum member) Walking, strength training & sleep concerned 'body'. Also awareness of eye health & care. (have not been consistent re strength training & eye exercises)

- *Mind (was further developed)
Brain DUMPING - writing/journalling. doodling.
Laughter!! ( looked at some youtube videos that made me laugh)
Brain training exercises (have not done)
Learn / experience new things (yup, ongoing)

- Family shocked ( this one was tricky , in comp. to other students)
Continue to be loving & supportive in spite of current challenges - to NOT let myself be neglectful esp. re child

- Social
Meet new people. Establish more authentic relationships (good so far, with most I do keep this mlc mess away from new connections)

- Community
Help others re: whatever areas of strength I possess (?). This I hope to do re: expressive arts. (nothing here yet, community is long term - as I have to start with my own mess before helping others).

- Education
Take courses. Take advantage of free courses if funds are prohibiting (in others words, I have no excuse to not learn!! laugh Active/Ongoing.
Reading! Related to interests, general. (I do 15 - 30 mins /day - twice a week, more if able to!)

- Creative
Read Artist Way (liked the **weekly dates & highly recommend whether artist or not) Ongoing but INCONSISTENT frown
Practise sketching (great! regular!)I show up whether the piece/or mood is good or not!
Practise writing (ongoing)
Learn music (long term goal) For now, I listen laugh to variety!

** Re artist date: make a date with yourself. something you want to do, a place you wanted to go to .. it is 'me time', once a week.

- Travel
-Staycation (ongoing)

They are all wip. smile I manage with some & continue to move along where I can.
I enjoyed this course. I may even re-do. I took other creative courses as well.

Best to you all, Take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2707747
10/02/16 07:10 AM
10/02/16 07:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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unable to find edit - excuse typos, above. frown Trying to get to all on my to do list. may try another browser in future if this button isn't active or simply doesn't show.

I should have checked again esp. re my eyesight, but was looking at time. again sorry about that, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2707757
10/02/16 08:47 AM
10/02/16 08:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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[img:left]https://www.facebook.com/mindfulschools/...e=3&theater[/img]

I was trying to include this image for anyone interested in happiness, positive psy. or mindfulness. courses.

It was one that I located this during my positive psy. course for my project. I am also trying to get my child to try. laugh I admit that mindfulness isn't easy for me - esp. with distractions, but I have given myself 3 - 5 years to learn it. I knew my limitations when discussing my project.

The appeal re: this image is that if holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl can reach this realization, then why can't i? It's worth a go! (think Im done now)
p. grin


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2707821
10/02/16 07:19 PM
10/02/16 07:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,944
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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that's a great infographic.
ty for posting it xo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2707843
10/03/16 12:38 AM
10/03/16 12:38 AM
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Esame Offline
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Hi pbetra,

Thank you for putting all the information together, it's really helpful.

I think your action plan looks great!

Originally Posted By: pbetra

- *Mind (was further developed)
Brain DUMPING - writing/journalling. doodling.



I recently read a book around this, apparently 20 minutes journaling a day (or dictating on a recorder or anything that works for you) helps build resilience, fight depression, better problem solving and seeing our situation more clearly. Amazing isn't it? Maybe that's a hidden benefit of being part of a forum like this, a happy side effect in a way?


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: bttrfly] #2708118
10/04/16 08:10 AM
10/04/16 08:10 AM
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pbetra Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: bttrfly
that's a great infographic.
ty for posting it xo


Hey you buttrfly (just posted 2 u)

Yes, I agree. This img really resonated w/me. It represents possibility for me I suppose laugh
Also, I am really curious about how one gets to that mindset or mind-state in such adverse situations! ( "one day!" smile )

Rest in your cocoon so you can fly really high when your are ready! Take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: Esame] #2708151
10/04/16 09:43 AM
10/04/16 09:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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pbetra  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Esame


Originally Posted By: pbetra

- *Mind (was further developed)
Brain DUMPING - writing/journalling. doodling.



I recently read a book around this, apparently 20 minutes journaling a day (or dictating on a recorder or anything that works for you) helps build resilience, fight depression, better problem solving and seeing our situation more clearly. Amazing isn't it? Maybe that's a hidden benefit of being part of a forum like this, a happy side effect in a way?




Hi Esame,
was looking for your original thread but found your replies instead (?). Guess I have been away too long - forgotten how to navigate??!! eek Will try again - Re: your post. Thanks for including! It is no wonder that this type of activity is often recommended. I agree with you - I do believe the forum plays a similar role smile

The book you read informs of the ability to get the stuff OUT from within, doesn't it? Journalling, dictating (venting at DB) offers that opportunity, it's no wonder it's effective & impactful.

=====================
Interestingly, I mentioned the weekly date with self but not the morning pages (mp). The date impacted on me b/c life & its challenges represent output. It takes 'out' (more than it puts in - or so it seems! ) grin

A weekly date was about putting back IN- doing something for oneself. And if one does that fairly regularly, then managing life challenges is improved (consistent output is not sustainable).

However, (& I am just sharing) since you mentioned journalling above, the mp are similar to journalling, but there are real differences.

1 - Time. The mps should be written on awakening (some ppl think that its silly. However, I am just describing here for info. purposes)
The author stated that as soon as you wake, to just write before doing anything else (?!)

2 - Content.
The other instruction is to not think about what you are writing - just WRITE!!! About 3 ( long hand) pages on 'whatever' comes to mind. Unlike journalling, you are not really recording an event or consciously venting feelings

You see the first thing on a morning doesn't yet 'have an event packed day.' Events are the very material you get to write about, when 'stuff' happens during the day. There are exceptions of course - that is, if you went to bed with much on your mind. The challenge is made more so b/c the writer must not 'think' too much. The idea is to 'unload' whatever junk there is lurking in the mind.

It was NOT easy for me. (some others do well). B - U - T quite frankly, the first thing I think of on a morning, is coffee! laugh

This practice has received mixed reviews, since some don't know what (!) to write because nothing is coming

One morning I even wrote something like this >> this is stupid, can't think of anything, feel like Im running a race because Im just suppose d to write whatever without thinking about it. really?!! really?? etc etc etc << You get the idea. This was out of sheer frustration.

I was NOT good at it. However, the weekly dates worked for me at that time of my life. Securing a little well deserved 'me time' for the three month period was great. cool
==============================

Getting back to your post, I noted how little one has to spend as well. 20 mins!!!' It goes to show its not 'duration, duration', but consistency EVERYDAY.

Thanks again Esame - take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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