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JCJ Offline OP
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Hi All,

I haven't been here for a while but... I'm confused about a guys actions and I was hoping for some advice.

I met a guy about 8 weeks ago. He's a friend of a friend. He was really into me. I was distant the weekend we met but after that he phoned me and messaged me regularly. We live some distance apart and arranged after a month that I would go and stay.

So I did and we had a great weekend until the last day where he was all moody (very like someone who has dropped the bomb). We talked and I said basically I wasn't interested in being with someone who is not interested in being with me and he changed his tune.

After that he was very full on texting and calling etc. Then last weekend he came to stay here. I was moving that weekend and my brother was helping me. He knew this was happening but for some reason this seemed to freak him out again. At the end of the weekend he said I was perfect for him and he didn't know why he was behaving this way. I basically told him to go.

So now he's back messaging me. I've held right back but I don't know what to do next. He says he's thinking about things and trying to sort his behaviour out - he's nearly 40 now.

Can I add,it's the first guy I have properly liked for years. He's sweet and kind and so lovely but there is this thing. I've encountered it before and I'm not sure what to do.

Do I just go dark on him. Take time to recover myself? Why is he still messaging me?

Any advice would be really appreciated!


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Have you ever read the pursuit and distance thread?

Sounds like this applies here.


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I don't know if I'm the best person to respond to you but I'll share my experience and observations for what they are worth. Please apply some grains of salt to this as I am by no means an expert.

My Guy gets pretty moody but not when we are together. Ever. However, I get distant and emotional as our time together draws to a close because being with him is like being in a fairy tale and I don't want to pick my responsibilities back up. But I can articulate that when I am called on it.

The full-on texting and phoning when you are apart sounds a little bit like love-bombing to me. When you think of it that way is that how it resonates to you? If so -- does that indicate a reciprocal relationship that you both will grow from?

Sunny said on my thread that the purpose of dating is to determine if the person you are with is LTR/marriage material. Is the behavior you're experiencing something you want to live with always? I'll tell you from experience -- the problems you have 8 weeks in are going to be the problems you're coping with 8 years in. Are these problems you are willing to always live with?

What are you holding onto in this guy that is so special that he sends you back to DB 8 weeks in when you've been divorced six years? I can't tell from your original post. I know he's the first guy you've properly liked in years -- do you have any idea why that is? What is special about him?

I'm looking forward to hearing your answers.


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Hi there, my thoughts are that he is comfortable being really attentive from a distance. Hence the texts and so on. He enjoys doing that and it isn't pressure or uncomfortable for him.

However, maybe he struggles some more with the intimacy of actually being together for a period of time. Would he describe himself as an introvert - happy to be in company for a time, but needs time along to recharge (I'm like that and I start to feel a bit frantic if I don't get some down time.

The distance perhaps magnifies things, because you can't just catch a movie or dinner - you 'have' to have longer periods together. How far apart are you and could you do a couple of 'lesser' things? Have a day out - rather than a weekend, which is a bit full on (I know I would panic a little about that.

All in all, it sounds as though you like him, but maybe give it a try or two more and if there is more of the same, you may want to question if you want to persevere.

Has he had serious LTRs before? Previously M? Or with kids?

Hope this helps a little....:-)


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Sounds to me like he might just need reassuring - that you care. Some guys need to feel at the centre of your world in the same way some girls do. He might even think you are stringing him along IDK - just thoughts.

He may not even know what's going on - sounds a bit that way. Sometimes these feelings can come across as needy or perhaps some guys go 'man cave' to protect themselves (grumpy). I think if you are this early in the relationship, find a nice time together and talk to him. Say I have noticed this, I am not unhappy about it or about you, the fact I am here means I care, but would you mind really thinking about it and telling me what is going on with your feelings? Ask him to try and work out where it is coming from - whatever it is. Ask him to think about it tomorrow and respond in a few days but leave it there. Don't discuss it - make sure he thinks about it. Guys are really slow at thinking about their emotions at times.
Could tell him he expects 100% honesty, so do you. Build a foundation for your relationship. If he comes across as fobbing you off, you could distance and if pushes, revisit it until you feel you are getting to the bottom of it....

Just thoughts. Hope they help.

Surfer.


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Hahaha - reminds me of the first guy I dated after my ex left. He lived an 11 hour drive away. We chatted online every day. When I finally went up to visit him it was fireworks. BUT - he had a "three day rule". I couldn't stay more than three days.

Usually that wasn't an issue, but one time I went to visit and his adult son needed some medical attention from me. The son and I hadn't been able to coordinate our schedules to get together, and on the third day I suggested that I could stay an additional day in order to meet up with his son.

He ROLLED HIS EYES at me! Like it was some huge imposition! Mind you, we had been dating for many months at this time.

I left his restaurant, packed my things, and left him a note. No way was I sticking around with a guy who was upset that I might stay an extra day, to do a favor for HIS son!!!

(End of story - after a couple of months we did reconcile, and I saw him a couple more times - but then his old childhood sweetheart turned up and I was toast. They are still together several years later so I don't feel too bad about it.)

But what I learned since is that he is a classic Love Avoidant. Being too close makes him anxious (hence he could only handle it for three days lol). He was fine and comfortable with the long distance thing because it didn't crowd him too much. But Avoidants fear being controlled or smothered.

I dated a few others like that. And I had a friend once who was also an avoidant - he explained something to me one day when I was asking him about his dating habits. He said if he made an appointment on Monday for a date on Friday, it "hung over his head like a dentist appointment". Therefore, he would wait until the last minute to ask a woman out; if she had plans, it was no big deal, he'd catch her another time, but at least he hadn't spent the whole week with a date hanging over his head!

Now, I don't know for sure if your guy is a Love Avoidant. But you might want to take a look at his dating history to see if there are signs.

Otherwise, he just might have other issues. Extreme introvert who doesn't get enough time alone when staying with you? Closet alcoholic who can't go that long without drinking? Closet smoker who can't go that long without smoking? Bad OCD that gets triggered and he can't control it past a couple of days?

What's YOUR best guess?

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Oh - interesting KML....


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Thanks for all your replies. They were so interesting!

I guess I do really like this guy and he was the first guy I had met for years who hadn't turned our to be an idiot. I think I was/ am disappointed this happened as I had hope.

It also just really taps into insecurities I'll always have around being 'left'. I thought I was over it but I guess starting to have feelings for someone does leave you vulnerable.

I think it was a freak out but then he kind of regretted it slightly which is why he hasn't dropped contact.

I totally stepped back (practised dber that I am) but I think Surfer that in a lot of ways you are right. He is also finding his feet.

He is on holiday now but after that we are going to meet in the middle of where we live for an afternoon, perhaps a whole weekend is just too intense like you said Maybell.

Meanwhile I am going to date other guys again. I'm not sure if perhaps he does have love avoident traits KML. I spoke to my friend who's husband is his friend and apparently he has had issues in the past (why did she not tell me this??). He has had long relationships though. Hmmmmm...

I guess I was also writing on here because I have found this a bit of a theme with guys in their late 30s who have not been married or have children. It's so annoying and I thought he was different.


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