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A Message from Michele
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A few things you should know as the LBS #2701017
08/31/16 10:53 AM
08/31/16 10:53 AM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Jack_Three_Beans Offline OP
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Jack_Three_Beans  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Speaking as a former LBS to a MLC spouse.

You will get through this. You will survive. Quite possibly you will be come a better person for this. A better parent, and have better skills in relationships.

There is no logic in your MLC spouse. No logic that will make sense to you. Trying to figure them out is a waste of your time and it [censored] you in.

MLC is a process and a journey they must go through on their own. During this time they will make horrible choices from your perspective and others as well. They will burn bridges and lose the respect of people around them. IT is not your job to prevent this, you cannot.

What you can do is help them rebuild, later if you are around when they come out of it. You can support them, because they will be so fragile and broken. They will not believe that you could forgive them. You might not believe you can either.

Your children are not your support during this process, you do not use them against the MLCer. You do not make them into allies, you protect them, and you are their support. You do your best to kill the vicious cycle and prevent your children from going down the MLC road later on in life and doing this to another person.

You could get through this if only they didn't do this to the children. The children do not become your excuse to be angry at your spouse. You take on the responsibility of a single parent now and you become the best single parent in the world. Shower your kids with love, but, very important you also have the responsibility to raise good people later. Bear that in mind, do not over compensate. Your children will be ok as long as you are.

The OM/OW is a symptom. The numbers of MLCers who have PA are staggering, it means nothing. Do not ever compare yourself to the OM/OW. EVER.

Time.
This takes time.
In the time you will gain the skills needed to keep your balance. And you will want a level ride.
One day the MCLer might say something that gives you great hope and the next take it away when you find out they have plans with the OM/OW for a clothing free weekend at a local BnB.

If they saying that gets your hopes up...be very very wary. Be suspicious and really do not get your hopes up. Because like a roller coaster, these 'highs' almost always are followed by a steep steep and fast decent.

It is your job to make sure the ride you are on is more like a float down a nice clam river and not the Tower of Terror at your amusement park.

In my experience the path back for the MLCer is NOT preceded by something amazingly wonderful like a statement of love, but a whisper of doubt.

You will snoop, do better.

You will make mistakes and go against the advice here. Get up dust yourself off and move forward.

LEARN. If you try something and it doesn't work, don't do that again, anytime soon. It might work later, but it certainly isn't going to work anytime soon.

This, all of this that you are going through?
This MLC, your marriage...it isn't over until YOU say it is.
You have the control in this. You have all the control in this.
Your marriage isn't over until you say it is.

DO not look to far down the road. Just look a few days at a time. In some cases a few hours.

You will change your mind, many times. You will give up you will stand, you will give up. You are allowed to and you will have our support here.

2x4's here have a purpose. They are wake up calls, do not be afraid of them.

You are not a loser or a doormat. You are a person fighting for your marriage in the most unlikely way, by not fighting.

You cannot beat down an MLC, you can outlast it. The MLCer is going to hit you hard and hit you often. You are going to not be there to be hit (distance, not snooping, not trying to figure them out, not confronting about the OM) you are going to dance around and avoid as many hits as you can. And instead of hitting back, you are going to watch them fall when they are done, and if you are still around you are going to help them up and tend to their wounds. You aren't going to fix them, you are NOT the white knight, the princess/prince has to save themselves. But you can be by their side and show them love.

That is how this can end.

In the process, you will learn not to controlling, to stop being a fixer, to learn that while you do not NEED them in your life, you like it if they were.

They will come through this feeling like a monster, you will need to show them that they are not. They might have been, but when they truly come out they will think that forgiveness will be beyond them.
You will need to show them that they are wrong by your actions.

This, all of this is for you, nothing here will fix an MLC...however, everything here can fix you.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2701034
08/31/16 11:18 AM
08/31/16 11:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,446
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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Posts: 3,446
Canada
Thanks Jack. This needs to be put into the required reading. I'm going to read this again and again and again myself.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: AndrewP] #2701051
08/31/16 11:55 AM
08/31/16 11:55 AM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Jack_Three_Beans Offline OP
Moderator
Jack_Three_Beans  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
I wish I could remember WHO said this in here. A great poster with good advice.

You are the lighthouse in their storm.

Be the lighthouse, for when they want to come home.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2701057
08/31/16 12:11 PM
08/31/16 12:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,242
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,242
NY
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
I wish I could remember WHO said this in here. A great poster with good advice.

You are the lighthouse in their storm.

Be the lighthouse, for when they want to come home.


How about this?

The Lighthouse Story


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Cadet] #2701068
08/31/16 12:52 PM
08/31/16 12:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
E
Eagle11 Offline
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Eagle11  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 133
Great post. I am going to look at this often for help. Thanks!


M39, W36
T12, M10
S6,S2
Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Eagle11] #2701075
08/31/16 01:18 PM
08/31/16 01:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
Jack,

An excellent posting. I have made this a "sticky" topic in order to place it at the top of the MLC Forum.

Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Jack_Three_Beans] #2701087
08/31/16 01:51 PM
08/31/16 01:51 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,303
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Drew Offline
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Drew  Offline
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Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
I wish I could remember WHO said this in here. A great poster with good advice.

You are the lighthouse in their storm.

Be the lighthouse, for when they want to come home.

There was some on it on one of my posts way back in the day.

Along with some Garth Brooks from the movie "Frequency" - When You Come Back to Me Again

Doesn't look like it survived the purge though.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Drew] #2701139
08/31/16 07:38 PM
08/31/16 07:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
CT/USA
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ericmsant2 Offline
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Posts: 3,132
CT/USA
Hey Cadet,

This should be standard reading for newbies.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: ericmsant2] #2701203
09/01/16 05:48 AM
09/01/16 05:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,242
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,242
NY
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Hey Cadet,

This should be standard reading for newbies.

Added to my post, now I just have to use it. smile


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: A few things you should know as the LBS [Re: Cadet] #2701570
09/02/16 10:57 AM
09/02/16 10:57 AM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
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btrfly3 Offline
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btrfly3  Offline
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Joined: May 2015
Posts: 4
VA
Thank you. I have never posted before and have been reading on these boards for over a year but I felt compelled to tell you how much I needed to read this. I will come back to this many times in the future as I'm on this journey.


M44 H44
M18 T20
D18 D15
BD ILYBNILWY 4/7/15
He Moved out 4/8/15 Moved Back in 8/15
Move out again 6/16 - says he just wants to be alone
PA Confirmed 9/16
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