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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2903196
09/06/20 05:48 AM
09/06/20 05:48 AM
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kml Offline
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Sounds like youíre doing just fine!

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2903216
09/06/20 05:18 PM
09/06/20 05:18 PM
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That sounds great! Sounds like you just sat back and enjoyed yourself and let things happen as they happened.
Iím happy for you

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2903998
09/16/20 10:24 PM
09/16/20 10:24 PM
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Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Right where I need to be
I think so too. Its been about a month since I've been talking to her so far. Had some really good dates. I can tell she is going to push things in the commitment area though. She likes to ask hypothetical questions of future stuff. Living together, kids interacting, I answer a decent amount of it in a way that says I'm not looking to rush anything. She got annoyed with me or herself after one of these answers. I texted her a reply and she didn't respond for a while afterwards. I asked what she was thinking and she said "I'm thinking about how it really bothers me to read you say "This is super far out hypothetical discussion, but I ..".. But its my own crap making me feel that way and you're right".

Eventually I think she got annoyed even more and told me marriage and a committed relationship is the end game for her and she needed to now if that wasn't for me so she wasn't wasting her time. I said something like "I'm open to those things at some point in the future, but right now I'm content with getting to know and not wanting to rush anything. My history before was to rush into these things and I wont do that again, so that means IF anything progresses to that point, its going to be very slow going and not anytime soon". I think she accepted that, but I don't think she really has accepted how long that might take. Funny enough, I'm sure shes now waiting to have sex, lol, even though she talks about it and I know she wants to. She just wants the commitment more. Its very interesting to be on this side of the relationship and comfortable in myself and not giving in to what she wants just to be in a relationship, comfortable being along, comfortable walking away if needed.

I think that's going to be a challenging area on what she wants though. I can already anticipate her frustration in the future and that will spill out over time, but it is what it is. It would likely be years of being in a relationship before I'd even consider talking about more than that (living together, marriage), so its not even remotely on my radar right now. (Other than looking for major red flags which I know would be deal breakers to that.) I know she likes most of the things I do now. She tells me all these things I do that are turn ons and that she likes. There is a big difference in our personalities and organization/cleanliness also, but I don't think that will be a deal breaker either, just a challenge.

We had this one date where we went to a drive in movie and then went back to her place (her son is almost always with her so that wont happen often). Anyway, we decided to watch another movie and sat next to each other on the couch. After maybe 20-30 mins we made out for a bit, which broke the little awkwardness of what to do next. So after that she just went right under my arm and laid on my chest with her legs kicked up on the rest of the couch. We just snuggled like that for the rest of the movie and I played with her hair some, which she liked. That simple physical intimacy was so nice to experience again, its been forever since I had it. I'd be connect to just have that for a while and nothing else.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2904004
09/16/20 10:54 PM
09/16/20 10:54 PM
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Quote
Its been about a month since I've been talking to her so far.


Quote
she got annoyed even more and told me marriage and a committed relationship is the end game for her and she needed to now if that wasn't for me so she wasn't wasting her time.


Oh for cripes sake! She's pushing for you to commit to being headed towards marriage and you've only been dating for a month???? Run. Please. Run.

I know its nice to have some companionship but this is crazy. If some guy told me after a month of casual dating that he needed to know I was interested in getting married again in the relatively near future I'd run so fast all you'd see is a blur. She's oozing neediness. If she was halfway sane and occupying her own space, she would still be evaluating whether YOU were the right guy for her. Instead she's just rushing right to the end she wants, without even knowing you that well.

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2904011
09/17/20 12:05 AM
09/17/20 12:05 AM
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Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Lol, yeah. Sheís not pushing for me to commit to things heading to marriage, I think she just needs to know itís a possibility and Iím not against it, especially considering Iím divorced and have been single for 6 years. She didnít say relatively near future either. I did make sure weíre both on the same page with how you canít really know someone until you have known them some time, which is why Iím very clear in kids not interacting with her for at least 6-9 months. From talking to her about her past she seems to have been with a decent amount of guys who never wanted more than sex and she got attached in the process. Sheís slept with 19 people and only had 4 relationships that she would call a boyfriend. Iím still processing how I feel about that, it might bring up some insecurity for me, but thatís my issue. Anyway, Thatís whatís she wants now, the ďrelationshipĒ. Honestly even the guys sheís dated didnít sound like that great of situations. The best being a guy who let his mother move in with them and he eventually choose his mother over her after 2 years of dating. She did say she knows the other things take time to really know, so itís not something we should talk about but it helps her understand me to at least know some generals. But I agree at the same time. there is a level of neediness and I feel it. Iím not running, Iím interested in getting to know her more and even actually being in a relationship, but the rest I have clear boundaries in that wonít be pushed


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2904493
09/25/20 04:09 PM
09/25/20 04:09 PM
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I get where she is coming from given her experiences Fogg. Taking what you say at face value, sheís basically telling you that she is hoping to find a life partner and she would eventually like to be married. She is getting attached and she doesnít want to get any more attached if you are someone who wouldnít consider that in the future. I think that is fair and itís being open and honest about what she is looking for. If those previous guys had done the same (i.e. ďIím here for a good time not a long time.Ē), her number might be a lot smaller.

Letís face it... no one gets to middle age without having some ďbaggageĒ left over from previous relationships. Up to you to decide if that is a deal breaker or not which is all you can really do in addition to keeping your boundaries clear. If you do that, youíre good.

Best of luck!!! (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2905474
10/11/20 05:28 PM
10/11/20 05:28 PM
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Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Thanks Deja, I think most of what she was wanting to know is reasonable too. I just needed her to understand I'm not looking for those things right now, but I would be open to them at some point in the future. Also, I stressed its going to be slow for me to get there, maybe painfully slow. She agreed its not something she wants to talk about right now or plan for, we both agree those are things that need time to make sure its even a good fit long term. Basically she just wants to make sure she's not going to invest time with someone's who's 100% against marriage. Which I think is a totally reasonable thing to want to know before catching feels for someone.

The last month has been really nice, yet challenging also. I cant express how strange it is to be dating like this. I'm learning a lot of my own reactions from past experiences and working through them. We've had some things come up that are differences between me and J (I guess I will call her J from now on) that caused some frustration. I seriously questioned twice so far if this was for me, if she was a good fit. Processing through the feelings I eventually realized none of them were deal breakers. In fact, I think they were more misunderstandings and still learning each other than anything. She had some also. What I liked the most was that we talked through them after we both realized there was some frustration happening. Neither of us were judgmental and talking made things feel so much better. We've even talked about love languages and differences in how both of us operate. I think the thing that struck out to me the most was her actually wanting to learn my love languages (quality time and physical touch), and caring. It feels so foreign for someone to care and I know how off that sounds. Its just such a strange feeling for me, that someone else cares.

This analogy came up with my ex, something I talked to with a close family member about also. (Side note: it is sooooo strange when I talk about things with me ex that I've somehow normalized, yet when people hear the details they seem horrified. I guess I didn't know things were so bad, or maybe I did and repressed it?).

Anyway, The last 6 years of our marriage it was a chore to do anything with me, I was pushed away from anything physical touch related and quality time consisted of sitting in the same room together at most. Me touching her invoked such a negative reaction. That her (ex) being annoyed, jerking away, pushing me away, getting pissy with me. In bed if I wanted to roll over and hold ex I would sometimes get elbowed in the ribs and pushed away, shamed for bothering her. I raved that physical connection, but was frequently denied it. So the analogy being a cookie jar (the innuendo fits also..). If over the course of 6 years the majority of the time I reached for a cookie I would get my hand smacked, yelled at, shamed. Eventually I learned its wrong for me to even want the cookie, much less go or ask for it. So this relates to a story of how I figured this isn't normal and how I react now. J invited me to go camping with her a few weekends back. Just for reference, we did have sex prior to this. Anyway, we didn't really do anything on the trip. So towards the end we both realized she wanted me to make a move first day, but I was anxious about pursuing her and interrupting her trip. I felt like I was intruding in her space and I didn't know how to deal with that due to my past of being rejected and shamed for just wanting to be physically close to ex. So she went to sleep frustrated the first night because she thought I didn't want her, and second day I had a similar frustration because of some things she did thinking she didn't want me. In the past she's dated guys who were dicks and always pursued her sexual, so it was new for her to be around me who wants that (but is anxious because of the past) but also wants more than that. Knowing her past I didn't want to be the guy who just pushes for that. So it just put me in a weird place of now knowing what to do.

The last morning I woke up early ( I wake up easily 2 hours before she does on average) and I so wanted to roll over and just hold her. I went for a walk for about an hour and came back to lay down more. I laid there for a good 30 minutes just considering rolling over to hold her, just doing it regardless of how she might react. Eventually I did and she didn't jerk away from me or anything bad. Before leaving that day we both talked and realized that BOTH of us really wanted that physical fun..., but we're still learning each other and thought the other didn't. It sounds stupid, but I have so much anxiety over simple thing like holding her hand or rolling over and holding her (or at least I did), and all of it was because of how things went with my ex.

Since then we've had a lot more open talk and been so much closer and open with each other. This morning she was annoyed because she has a work thing on my birthday next week and wanted to do something for me. Again, I found it confusing at first. I've kind of give up on anyone caring about days like that for me. In the past ex rarely planned anything, even gift wise she would just ask me what I wanted. It felt like it annoyed her to be bothered to do it. So I stopped getting my hopes up anyone would care, and I expect nothing. So for J to want to do those things, it feels good. Even the thought of her wanting to do something felt like more than I've gotten in so long.

The way the R with my ex has conditioned me is going to take some time for me to unlearn. Not to talk badly about her, but it feels like I'm some stray dog in the kennel that's been abused for years. Finally someone is warm and kind to me, and while it feels so good, its taking me time to process it. There's been other things she's said that just warmed me so much. Little things that made me feel safe. That's the best word for it, just safe. That being said I also know what phase of a relationship I'm in and I know there will be challenges, nothing is easy. I know some of her past and I realize it will come back (snapping at people and some selfishness). These are things she's admitted to me and said they're things she's worked on for years now, things I can tell she doesn't want to do anymore. So, while I realize people aren't perfect and I will see these things, just as she will probable see some of my flaws too. It gives me hope both of us are at least aware of them and want better for ourselves.

I've also held out on making the relationship official, she's been waiting on me to make the next step. I'm sure I'm going to this week though. It would be 2 months of dating, so I feel that's a good place to do so.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2905498
10/11/20 09:26 PM
10/11/20 09:26 PM
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Ginger1 Online
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Iím
Glad things are going well
For you and your new lady. And Iím glad she allows for a safe space to work through your insecurities driven by your past.

Your nervousness and overthinking around physical touch and cuddling is like my insecurity around being comfortable saying Iím in a relationship or I have a boyfriend and embracing it. Because there have been more than a few I have dated who couldnít admit to that.

I get it. Very much. I also get what a beautiful thing it is to hve a safe place to comfortable
Face those insecurities. Very happy for you

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2905635
10/13/20 01:09 PM
10/13/20 01:09 PM
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Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Ginger, I think she has a similar anxiousness with calling someone her boyfriend. I can see it in the words she uses, she seems anxious about it to the point of almost not believing it will ever happen. Admitting I'm realizing my own attachment style, (disorganized), which ends up being a combination of anxious and avoidant, so I can tell that impacts her style some. I started working with a new IC yesterday that should help in all interpersonal relationships, its something the IC that helped me work through the eating disorder recommended me for. I really like this IC too, I immediately clicked with her in the first hour we talked.

But anyway, with J, when I do make a comment about something a little further out (like us doing a trip sometime next year) she melts and I can see her light up and get super excited. But it totally makes sense she would have that reaction to being anxious about it with her past. She had a FWB (that I think she even started) that she caught heavy feelings for. It lasted 3 years, she got really attached to him and he really only used her for sex and treated her badly. Most of her other partners were similar with not committing.

So, since this feels like a safe place to air out the issues I am having. (WARNING: ADULT TOPICS AHEAD) And this is EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me to talk about. But I seem to be having some ED issues during adult fun. To the point of it not making penetration possible at all. J is very understanding and wants me to feel comfortable. I feel like I can even talk to her about it and she doesn't make me feel bad about it, but I still do feel like it is. Not to get into too many details, but I've found another way to get her off that she didn't even think was possible because no one else could do it even when they tried. As strange as this sounds to (I've heard something similar from someone else) but it seem most guys don't seem very interested in the woman and just want the sex part, whereas I totally pursue anything and everything that feels good for her. So I realize there are definitely things I do (or like to do) that most guys don't seem to want to put the effort into, and it seems to confuse her in a very good way. Almost like she cant believe I would like it? But she really likes it. But even so, as a guy, not being able to perform in the main way feels like I'm a failure and broken. I'm not exactly sure why. I know at some point we will figure it out., even if I need to try meds. I'm hoping its just the factor of being so new and anxiety in my mind. That and its been 6 years ( or longer really) since I've had a normal sex life. So any thoughts there would be welcome on this really awkward subject...


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2905649
10/13/20 03:01 PM
10/13/20 03:01 PM
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kml Offline
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So, there are a few different causes of ED:
Anxiety. Usually in this case you would still be experiencing spontaneous morning erections and would not have any difficulty when - um - pleasuring yourself in private.

Medications - antidepressants and some blood pressure medications are a common offender

Alcohol

Testosterone deficiency - a gradual decrease is common in men over 50. In younger men, low testosterone is often due to untreated hypothyroidism. Blood tests for testosterone levels should be done in the morning before ten a.m. when testosterone levels are highest.

Vascular compromise - atherosclerosis causes clogging of the ďhydraulic pipesĒ - unexplained ED is a reason the get screened for heart disease.

Diabetes - can cause neuropathy and/or atherosclerosis

Perineal nerve compression - often seen in avid cyclists. Split seat bicycle seats were designed to prevent this.

Bottom line - talk to your doctor. She can help you figure out what the likely cause is, and prescribe treatment and/or drugs like Viagra if indicated.

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