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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893577
04/28/20 05:08 PM
04/28/20 05:08 PM
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kas99 Offline
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Quote
Thanks for the comments, its good to see other's perspectives. I've actually never used any meds, I've been curious of it before but never really been in the place where someone recommended them. Honestly, I always hoped I could figure things out without using them but I wonder if I'm missing out and suffering unnecessarily at times too. I know I have things I struggle with and a good friend who I respect is on an AD, so I have no judgement with them.


I'm on a very old, tried and true AD that also treats anxiety well. Low dose, makes me a tad bit sleepy but no other side affects like weight gain. Anxiety (among other things) is what triggers me to self soothe with food. Most drs are not very good thats why I suggested you at least talk to a psych nurse. The one is have is amazing.

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I only use the scale on a weekly basis now, its apart of my plan with the counselor I'm seeing. Its through my college so I only expect to see her until summer time, then I'll be on my own again. I really enjoy seeing her, so it will be a difficult transition I think. I still binge, its better than its been in the past, but still there. I have mostly stopped purging though, it comes up occasionally also but much rarer than it was in the past.


So you are improving? That's awesome!! Celebrate that. I've binged a few times but it's minor now. My psych nurse told me to weigh standing backwards as its what many of her eating disorder patients do. The number on the scale triggers me BAD. I've been without a scale for probably 9 months now. I do not want to know what I weigh.

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You mention you aren't binging/purging and while you feel bloated and icky, weight is stable. I think that's something I've been struggling with for a long, long time and I cant just yet make the leap where I can let that go and accept that weight being stable as a good thing. I feel that way constantly, and while my weight has basically been very similar the last 9 months, I feel its pointless because I'm at a weight I hate.


Its not about accepting your size or your weight it's about having compassion for the pain you are trying to heal with food. All addictions start and end with pain. Your body is trying to protect and love you the only way it knows how. I'll tell you a horrible, shameful story. D17 was a fat kid and I got shamed for that so I put her on a diet....when she was 4. Didn't take long before I realized this was the most harmful thing I could do to a child so I took her to the store and let her buy whatever she wanted while still cooking normal meals. One of her foods was bananas (yes I'm that stupid) so I told her she could have as many as she wanted. She ate 6 and I think I died a little with everyone she ate. Her obese little body held a mirror up to my own insecurities. It's been 13 years and she's never eaten another banana. My fears were unfounded as are yours you just don't know it yet. Oh and she grew tall and while she'll never be a stick girl she's at a healthy weight and she eats whatever she wants.


Quote
I'm ~6"1", but at 260 I'm still in the obese range and cant accept where I'm at as being ok. It might be easier if I was only 10-20 lbs overweight, but I don't know. I guess I would be miserable there too as its never good enough. Anyway, the body image part is what I'll be working on with my IC next, it honestly terrifies me but I know its something that's blocking me making progress in many areas of life.


This isn't about body image it's about pain.

......boss just walked in. Talk later

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901652
08/09/20 02:31 AM
08/09/20 02:31 AM
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Fogg Offline OP
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kas, guess I never replied to your post. I did think about it for a while though. I know weight and body image is just one aspect of control I use to try and deal with deeper feelings of abandonment and worthlessness, which are just factors from my past.

I have worked with a counselor through my college and touched on some of these things recently. Self compassion and accepting reality as it is now is a big aspect of that. My time with this counselor is nearing an end. I have 3 more sessions with her before we will part ways, which would make it close to a year I've worked with her. I can see the progress I've made in that time. Its been a long time since I've had an actual out of control binge session and much longer since I've purged. Interpersonal relationships was the last things we've started to work on, and shes admitted its not a strength of hers at all. She also said during our last session since I'm not starting to get into dating (more on that in a min) that she can look around and see if there is someone else in the group that could work with me. I wasn't expecting it, but I'm open to it.

As for dating, I got back on OLD and for once used the it with the intention of meeting someone. Every other time it was more of a curiosity of who was out there and just me wanting a mental boost seeing who would match me. I knew I was nearing the end of counseling and had the eating disorder managed. I also finished my masters degree, which is something I've been using as a convenience excuse not to date. I did and do have alot of fear over dating, but it felt like the right time to jump in start to experience this. I actually started talking to someone a while back. We chatted on Bumble for a few days and she wanted to do a video date, which I was nervous for but excited for at the same time. I really liked her personality and values and we had so much in common. The video date went better than expected, we chatted for more than 3 hours. It was past midnight and I even though we kept getting disconnected through the app she still wanted to keep talking. I eventually suggested we end as I felt bad she had to get up before me for work, which was in like 5 hours. We had an in person date about a week later that also went really well. I ended up kissing her and just felt like this could be something. The next day she told me she had fun and also just as an FYI, that she wanted to take things slow because she just likes to take her time, which I understood.. I didn't hear much from her over the next 3 days but she also was transitioning to a new job. Shes a nurse and was working 3 x 12 hour overnight shifts. She eventually told me sorry if she seems MIA but all she does on those days is work, eat and sleep. That same day she after her 3rd shift she had to go check on her dad, she takes care of him because he wont go to any hospital and has several medical conditions. She has medical power of attorney for him even though he lives with his wife and their older son. Turns out he had a stroke and wasn't doing so well. I could tell over the next few days she was more distant and wasn't really talkative other than about her dad, which I get. Even having a stroke her dad wouldn't go to the hospital so she just assesses him and cares for him, which I'm sure is overwhelming. At some point a few days later I asked if she would be up for meeting up on a Wednesday night, she asked what we would do and said she would get back to me because she wasn't sure with what was going on with her dad. She never got back to me though, I left the chat for the week as I wanted to give her some space knowing she was dealing with some difficult stuff at home. Friday I sent her another message just wishing her and her dad well and said if she ever wants to get together or talk to just let me know, and that I know she has a lot going on but wanted to put that out there and wish them some good thoughts at the same time. She never replied to that, that was more than a week ago. So even though I know her personality (INFJ) needs space and can easily become overwhelmed with thing, then knowing her dads situation, I still feel like I just wont hear from her again now. So no texts at all in nearly 2 weeks, which makes me think that's that.

I'm not going to say I didn't struggle with the above emotionally, but I did. Even only knowing her for a couple weeks I still got my hopes up it could be something. Not to say it would be something long term, there were some other challenges I could see that would have developed. But it felt like I could have finally just got some traction in the dating world and a bit more experience. 6 years since my ex left me and I've been in 0 relationships. I had a bunch of first/second with people I didn't end up caring for. But I at least let them know I wasn't interested if they assumed we would see each other again. Then 3 people I did like but just ghosted me after I asked them out and they said they would let me know, which I really hate. I can handle an upfront "I don't think this will work out, thanks but no thanks", but when you're waiting for them to get back to you and they never do, it just feels like a strange ending. /sigh I guess that's just how things go these days and I should get used to it.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901672
08/09/20 02:50 PM
08/09/20 02:50 PM
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I’m sorry it feels like she’s ghosted you - and maybe she has. Or maybe her father has died, or is critical in the hospital, and dating is the last thing on her mind. Just lay back. Maybe in a month send her a nice message just that you hope she’s doing ok. Nothing more.

Unfortunately this is part of online dating. Some people try it when they’re really not ready to date yet. Some are speaking to several people at once and have decided to try dating one of their other options. Or, as I suspect in this case, sometimes life comes crashing down on you and checking your dating app is the last thing in your mind.

Keep looking, but she might show up later, who knows? Doesn’t seem like this is about you.

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901681
08/09/20 04:05 PM
08/09/20 04:05 PM
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Fogg Offline OP
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I don’t fully think it was about me. There’s always the small insecure voice that says it is, or at the least it’s a contributing factor, but really I just think she’s overwhelmed with life and can’t. She hasn’t been in a relationship in a few years also and she’s epileptic with seizures brought on by anxiety. She told me her last one was about a year ago, but I don’t really know how often they occur. So starting a new job, her daughter being out of state for a month with her dad, talking to a new person on bumble and then her dad having a stroke and refusing treatment at a hospital. It makes sense she would need to disappear to take care of her dad and even herself. Then there’s always the possibility something happened to him or her that made the situation even worse. I also think I’ve done what I could communication wise and I had to just leave it be, but it really does feel awkward to leave it and move on in a sense.

I think maybe that was what I struggled with. I don’t necessarily like talking to multiple people at once, even though it’s been suggested I do so and I see some logic to it. My personality type can easily get attached to people and it’s the other fear I had with dating. Finding the middle ground. I fear abandonment and getting too attached. Finding that middle ground where I continue to develop my own values, but leave room for dating without making it my everything, is something I know will be a challenge for me. But I’m aware of it also, so there’s that.

The stroke part is strange timing too, ex-w’s father has been having medical issues during the same time period. A couple weeks ago he went to the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack. This last week his aoreta tore in his neck requiring an 8 hour surgery and he had a stroke on top of that. Now he’s on a ventilator for what will be for a couple weeks at the least. Doesn’t sound good.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901709
08/09/20 07:51 PM
08/09/20 07:51 PM
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Fogg Offline OP
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She also unmatched me from bumble today. So enough time to go on the app and make an active choice to remove me. That’s just online dating I guess, whatever


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901721
08/09/20 10:46 PM
08/09/20 10:46 PM
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she may have unmatched you because she's not ready. just a thought from an infj (me)


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901727
08/10/20 01:34 AM
08/10/20 01:34 AM
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Fogg Offline OP
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I’ve though maybe she wasn’t ready to date, or maybe she actually really liked me and it freaked her out where she ran. The infj personality type actually really interested me after hearing her talk and hers and mine (INFP).

But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if that was the case, or if she was overwhelmed with life, or she found someone else, or she’s just not interested. Or even a combination of more than one of the above. What I do doesn’t change between any of those, I just leave it be and respect what her actions say, which is she doesn’t want to pursue anything else. I just hate there was nothing said. But anyways, I’m working on just leaving it and being open to talking to others, if someone matches thats seems interesting at some point


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901749
08/10/20 01:09 PM
08/10/20 01:09 PM
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Sorry this did not work out.

One of the hardest things in our divorces was isolating their actions without projecting our own thoughts on to what is behind those actions. I get it. We feel entitled to answers. But it never really works like that.

And yep time to move on.
You have so much going for you plus your still young and your a guy that has emotional intelligence. I always went into OLD with the mindset of “I have an excuse to get dressed up and show off and a break from the mundane” and I guess I didn’t take anything personally. I think if you can look at it that way with a detachment and a bit of “selfishness” (not sure that’s the right word) but view it as a game or fun - it is more successful.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901767
08/10/20 05:41 PM
08/10/20 05:41 PM
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Fogg Offline OP
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You're right juju, that makes sense. I know I would never get an answer I was looking for from my ex, not one I would accept anyway. I didn't really look at this scenario the same. I'm not sure I was looking for an answer so much as just a general statement saying shes not interested and that's that. But I can see maybe I really was, just to try and calm the insecure part of me still new to this all. Its funny you say I'm emotionally intelligent, I would have disagreed with that heavily in the past even thought I've heard it before. I've always struggled with emotions and feel them deeply, I also always looked at it as something that was wrong with me. Its only recently I started to open up and accept that part of myself, because the truth is even thought I do struggle with these things and it takes up a good deal of mental space, I still process a ton more than the average person might. Most people would run away or medicate these feelings away, whereas I might be actually working through them. I think that's likely more representative of the people on this forums too, the people would would run away and ignore their issues/emotions aren't likely to find a place to discuss them and be open to changing the parts that need to be improved. So in a way I've started to look at it as a positive of who I am vs. a negative. But it still makes things challenging.

As for going into things with no expectations and looking at it as a game of sorts, just to get to know people, I've been told several times by others the same thing. That and to talk to multiple people as a means of getting to know them instead of just trying to date. Funny story, there was one girl (another who ghosted me) that I went out on maybe 5 dates a few years ago. One the first date when I seen her and my initial reaction was "oh [censored], shes hot. Much hotter than I thought. Well, this certainly isn't going to last, lol". (I did and still do have a low opinion of myself most of the time.) I somewhat laughed it off in my head at that moment and just decided to have fun with it. The date ended up going really well. The second date I could see more of her imperfections, she seemed more real then, and while I was still just enjoying it, not really expecting anything, I also realized she was nervous and liked me too. That was a big moment for me, I never really picked up on that and I actually felt confident for once. But I think that's also when I started to think maybe it could be more than I initially thought, and a couple dates later it was just done out of no where. So I don't know how to keep that line away from me thinking it could be more and just getting to know someone without expectations. Especially when its been so long since I've had any type of relationship. Nearly 6 years now.

I was talking to my ex-sil about all of this and she suggested I just talk to multiple people and get to know them. For OLD I just don't see how that's practical though. As the guy, if I don't make a move to ask someone out through texting relatively quickly, I think the woman just loses interests as there will always be other guys out there trying to get their attention. Same goes for in person dates, at some point as the guy, you either push things a little more in the dates (if you're having fun and it feels right) or it just decays away. Maybe I'm overthinking it and I just need to meet up with people and have fun, even if its multiple people to see how I like them and really being intentional about keeping my expectations very low. I'm still not sure on my hangup. I know part of my personality just doesn't feel ok with talking/dating multiple people, especially if things move into anything physical, even kissing. But then if I don't move there with one, I feel it would just die out anyway. I know some fear is wrapped up in that and I'm still trying to untangle it with just how I feel. I do see the benefit of talking to multiple people, but I cant yet justify it either.

Obviously I could be off on my thinking too, and overthinking this. So I'm open to any suggestions or advice people have. I know dating in this stage of life isn't easy, but I think you all have a lot more experience than I do and I'm open to learning from that.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2901995
08/13/20 04:56 PM
08/13/20 04:56 PM
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Fogg... I so could have written what you just wrote. You and I seem very alike when it comes to OLD. I, too, struggle with dating multiple people at the same time. It feels disingenuous somehow even though I know that probably most of the people I meet are doing the same thing. I get that it would keep me from getting too attached too quickly but, at the same time, I know that eventually I would settle on one person and I hate the idea of then having to “break up” with the others and that I could possibly hurt someone.

I hate the ghosting too. I’ve only done it with one person and that was only after I clearly told him, in a very respectful way, that I wasn’t interested and he still kept contacting me as if I had said I was interested. He got pretty upset (left a voicemail that I only listened to long enough to delete) but to be fair, I did try to do the right thing. It would be so much easier if people would just come right out and say “not interested” rather than taking the “easy” way out and disappearing. It is strange that people think giving someone hope by agreeing to a theoretical future date but than disappearing is a kinder way to go about it. In my mind, it is definitely not kinder...it is just less awkward for the person who isn’t interested. Still...do unto others...

IDK...I know we talk about the people we meet online as being less than genuine and that there are many scammers and players and love bombers out there but surely there also have to be a lot of really good people just like us who are hoping to meet someone great. Maybe it is true that we just have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince/princess?

BTW...re: taking AD’s. I never thought I would either but when I was in the thick of my sitch, I did take them for about four months and I do think they helped. Not as much as finding this forum and getting support from people on here but I do think they helped me sleep better at night. Might be worth a try.

(((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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