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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2830476
12/31/18 07:32 PM
12/31/18 07:32 PM
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So on to other topics, life is going well overall but there are times I feel overextended. Work is going pretty well, there's some unknown with the company that might relocate our positions in a couple years but I'm not thinking too much about it. I talked with my manager not long ago and should be getting a promotion in March, its due. The pay increase wont be much, maybe 10%, but its really nothing to complain about as I make decent money. Its difficult at times not to compare life to those at work. Many of those guys are married or with someone who makes decent money also. I seem to be the only one not in a house, which I decided is fine as its not the time for me. Not with what I have planned over the next few years. I have maybe 2-2.5 years left before I will have the MBA. I'm still questioning parts of it but I feel committed to it now, if the company relocates that will make me more attractive to a new company or maybe Ill decide to do something completely different. Time will tell.

Four years later and I haven't been in any relationship with anyone, nor even a real fling that was just physical. I think not long ago I decided I'm not willing to put any time into one so for now I'm going to be single and that's not likely to change for a couple years, I think. I have some legitimate things to figure out when that does happen but I'll cross those when It happens. I'm still not even sure long term what I want from all of that nor how it all fits in with the new things I've been looking into. This may be vague but in ways I've taken the red pill and still discovering what that all means for me. There's actually a documentary called "The Red Pill" by Cassie Jaye that scratches the surface on it. Its a good perspective shift for anyone interested.

Kids are good, they seem to be doing ok with everything all things considered. I think the way I interact with them needs to change in the next few years in terms of parenting. I notice I don't handle resistance very well with them and then my anger boils over. They can be the tipping point of me losing my [censored] and everything bothers me ends up boiling over, which isn't fair to them. I can see this wont work well when they're teenagers and rebelling, I will need to develop a calmer way to handle them not listening and me enforcing the right punishments. I'm pretty aware of it so the times I do lost it I can recognize it and apologize. There are things they say/do that absolutely drive me mad but I don't engage too much when its about their mother. There is the narrative that the BF is the step dad and his kids are the brother/sister. I know this is how ex phrases these things so I just try to tell kids my opinion on the terms without forcing them to use either. Then my daughter will defend her mother in ways that confuse me. "Mommy has us 5 days a week", "mommy works every day and you get the weekends off". Just little things like that which bug me and really dig hardcore as without the context it makes it sound like something its not. I know its the way ex talks about herself that D8 is picking up on, but its all perspective. Yes, its true ex has them 5 days a week, but so do I, or at least I see them 5 days just as she does....When you phrase it like "mommy has us 5 days" it makes it seem like I only have them 2. Same with working, ofc she can work 6 or 7 days a week when its part time and only a few hours at a time. You cant just compare that to a full time weekday job. Anyway, there's a few little things like that where I see D8 almost defend and make her mom look good and I know the words, their her mothers words. Yes, when I hear it I try to talk the reason to it but I know not to attach her mom as its really an attack on her. But it bothers me

Weight has actually gone up over the last 2 months and I'm really upset about the ~+20 lbs. Since the October vacation I've ate horribly and with the gym membership gone due to cost the scale has shot up. My clothes are all tight or do not fit and I do not want to buy new ones. I have a better mind about it right now, I figured out the plan I want to take and I have realistic goals of losing a healthy amount a week. It may take me until my next birthday in October but I'm determined to beat this obsession and relationship I have with food.

Not sure what else to post now, this is mostly just venting I suppose. Hope everyone is doing well!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2851677
06/04/19 03:42 PM
06/04/19 03:42 PM
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So life goes on, things are going pretty well for me overall. Weight is always the issue that pops back up again and again, related to body image. As time goes by I learn more about it and understanding myself, its definitely one of the slowest processes I've worked through and more difficult ones, but I'm slowly becoming more at peace with certain aspects of it.

Kids are good, we just had a camping trip last weekend in Northern Michigan, Pictured rocks is such a beautiful place. It really makes me see how I almost need that daily dose of nature and alone time for survival, wherever it may be. My nieces came also (ex-w's brothers kids) along with his wife, we all had a pretty good time.

I'm still doing classes for my MBA, its tough at times but I think I should be done by next summer. It will be a rough fall and winter semester to get through it but I see the end in sight and I'm learning some good things that I hope I can put into practice. Work is going well also. I'm good at what I do and I see the recognition from my manager during my reviews. The company is frustrating at times, they're delaying the promotion cycle this year and I really should be at an Engineer II level now, which my manager agrees fully with. Time will tell how that goes.

I don't think things with ex-w and her BF are going well. They've been living together 3 years now. They started living together before ex even filed for divorce and integrated kids lives together almost immediately. The kids tell me about fights they have and I've had to talk to ex about situations. One was an incident were the bf was driving the kids and S6 said something that made him lose his temper. I'm not going to demonize the guy, the kids were fighting and I'm sure it was a stressful situation but he definitely overreacted and handled it very poorly. I texted ex when I heard about it and she was receptive to my comments and apologized. The second was some pretty intense arguments the kids said they've seen. Stuff being thrown around and some pretty intense language, which I just asked she keep it away from the kids if it was happening. Lately kids have been saying the bf and his kids are moving out at some point, so not sure what that means. Ex bought a house to move into a year after they got together. Hes not on any paperwork but she cant afford it on her own either, so.... Anyway, could be some changes there that impact me and I'm sure there will be bigger impacts to kids also. This will basically be another family of theirs that will be ripped apart.

Other than that not sure what else to update on. Oh! I did make some pretty big changes to my eating habits too that I'm still working on. I gave up eating meat last November, its going to be a permanent change for me. Two months ago I tried to give up dairy also but that ones been more difficult, especially with the past eating issues. Just to add, those decisions are completely separate from weight/body issue goals.

I'm also planning a trip with a friend I met from this site to Peru later this year. We will be hiking the Inca trail to Machu Picchu, should be good!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893364
04/26/20 12:53 PM
04/26/20 12:53 PM
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So little update maybe, even though I only use this thread every 6-9 months now. Which is strange as I end up going poking in to read every day or few days. Even with all the covid stuff going on, I feel like I'm in a good position and doing well. Working from home lets me have kids during the whole day Monday/Friday on top of the weekend. Before I was just grabbing them during the weekday when I got done with work. Its more time I get to see my kids even if it makes working more stressful. I am working from home too, as many are. Had some cuts to my pay and benefits but I still have a job. Trying to have gratitude for the things that are going as there will always be things that aren't. Its a struggle, but I'm trying

I'm still working through an eating disorder, the bane of my existence it seems, or at the minimum its a symptom of it. I've been working with a counselor from my school since September, making progress even if its slow and uncomfortable. Realized I also have some major issues with body image and self esteem, which I'm not surprised with at all. I've always had this irrational feeling deep down I'm not good enough/worthy/lovable. I'm sure past experiences with abandonment and memories from childhood impact that. But, it is what is it. These are things I'll improve on in the near future and continue to work on all my life. Its just how it works. Any advise there would be welcome though, for anyone who has dealt with those types of emotions.

I'm about done with my MBA. I have the two classes left that start next week. I just finished 3 classes with everything going on. It sometimes feels like I'm barely holding my head above water but seeing the end makes me feel like I can almost breathe. The Covid-19 stuff this year, the timing of it really [censored] and made me laugh at the same time. I was almost at the end of period of struggle where things were looking better. I was almost done with my MBA, I was positioning myself and pushing for a decent raise at work later this year. I finally got more vacation time this year, took me 5 years to get a 3rd week. Then I was working on this eating disorder and feeling hopeful about future with my overall self esteem. I was potentially looking to finally get into a house even with crazy student loan debt. A good portion of that will be impacted by Covid-19 this year. But i'm still working to stay grateful even though it will have an impact. So here's the similarity. 5 years ago I was also nearing my last semester of finishing my undergrad. I would finally have a job, my ex was pregnant with our 3rd kid and it felt like everything was coming together. Except that all collapsed. I think I'll stop getting degrees, haha. But think time I think I'm better prepared for anything to happen, I might not like any of it but I can survive it.

Kids are doing well. I hear some concerning things about ex/bf sometimes from them. Some normal type arguments and fighting that's to be expected. Then occasionally a big blow up that doesn't sound good at all. I think its just the situation and their backgrounds and it should be fine. Last fight involved ex and her bf arguing over ex throwing away a toy, him getting in out and cycle repeat. His kid's yelling at ex "[censored] you Deb!" and her pushing and biting the bf. Kids then said it was scaring them and the kids went to a room to be safe. So yeah... In the past I've heard of her and ex yelling, cussing and throwing things at each other. Its not great, not all. But again, I'm hoping this is an occasional thing and not the normal. It actually sounds surprisingly similar to how my mom was with my dad and step dad and my mom is still with my step dad and shes nearly killed him by knocking him unconscious with an ashtray. I'll never be in situation like that, I just wont accept it now. Ex could be physically and emotionally abusive. There was this running joke I was her punching bag. If she had a bad day at work I would be the target of any frustration regardless if I had done anything. I've had things thrown at me. Twice something sharp that pierced my skin and a few times a bloody nose. I guess I always excused it and accepted it was ok because she was a woman (society doesn't always view abuse the same if its towards the guy) and just had to deal with it because we were married and "soulmates". I figured I needed to find a way to fix it and work around it, but I know now that's just not how it works Now to be fair, the above (other than the emotion punching bag stuff) wasn't all the time. Throwing things happened a few times a year toward the end. Regardless, if I'm ever in a relationship like that again and it starts, that's my cue to leave.

Kinda long post, as normal. Appreciate any thoughts about the body image stuff. That's probably the biggest challenge I'm working through. Thanks for reading!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893370
04/26/20 03:18 PM
04/26/20 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Fogg


I'm still working through an eating disorder, the bane of my existence it seems, or at the minimum its a symptom of it. I've been working with a counselor from my school since September, making progress even if its slow and uncomfortable. Realized I also have some major issues with body image and self esteem, which I'm not surprised with at all. I've always had this irrational feeling deep down I'm not good enough/worthy/lovable. I'm sure past experiences with abandonment and memories from childhood impact that. But, it is what is it. These are things I'll improve on in the near future and continue to work on all my life. Its just how it works. Any advise there would be welcome though, for anyone who has dealt with those types of emotions.


Hi Fogg... congrats on the soon to be completed MBA... that is an accomplishment! You should be proud.

While I was getting my MBA, I took a class that focused on this very topic. It was very interesting as BD occurred right in the middle of this class. This was a small class, about 15 people, but it got quite deep. What I learned was that we all have an under lying mental models that *can* control our actions especially if we are not consciously aware of them. My mental model, like yours and many other people by the way, is a feeling of inadequacy or feeling not good enough. I sat with this professor many times and we tried to figure out where this feeling came from but we could never quite pin point it. The problem with this mental model is that its origins likely stem from experiences that occurred at an early age and then continued during our formative years. It is now hard wired in our brains. This makes it challenging to rewire our brains to over come this feeling.

To counter balance this, people adapt certain behaviors. Some become perfectionists or overachievers so they feel good enough. This never works though because things are never perfect and there is always someone out there achieving more, it is counter productive. Others seek out something they can control, people, events etc... which also does not work because these things are not controllable. I am no IC for sure, but maybe the eating disorder gives you some semblance of control?

The bottom line is, and what was eye opening to me, is that this is a very common feeling. It manifests itself in different ways, hitting some harder than others, but it is there. I do not have experience with eating disorders or things like that, but I definitely know the not good enough feeling. Sitting in that class though and realizing that everyone felt similar really did something for me. Some of them did have some serious issues. I think just recognizing that you feel this way is a giant step 1. The hard part will be rewiring that neural net, but you can do it! I definitely still have issues myself but at least now I can tell my brain to stop it and it listens.... sometimes, sometimes not.

Reading about it helped me a bit. I won't post recommendations because I am not sure if it is proper, but they are easy enough to find.

Good luck!

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893395
04/26/20 08:51 PM
04/26/20 08:51 PM
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Hey Brother from anotha motha!

COngrats on your MBA! You are in the home stretch and that is a hige accomplishment, especially with everything going on in the world. I bet your kids are so big now, and it's a tough age to homeschool. I feel for the parents trying to homeschool and work at the same time. I am fortunate my kid can school herself.

I don't think I have an eating disorder, but I will tell you, I am struggling big time with my extra 15-20lbs Ive had for the last few years. ANd I have always struggled with my weight. I never imagined it getting to this point, I struggle looking in the mirror or at pictures and I won't take them. My body doesn't feel like mind and my face doesn't look like mine. It's been tough. But my willpower to totally restrict myself is not there. I just wish I didn't have to define my physical appearance by my weight. I imagine it comes from childhood insecurities. I always felt like the skinny girls got the guys I guess. I guess coming up to 40 and single makes it hard to just appreciate mt body. Like it's linked to a decent guy being attracted to me

I know, and I think you know what is most important is to be healthy. I want to feel and look healthy, and be healthy. I just wish I didn't obsess about it the way I did. I read a good book on diet culture. It really does help about changing your relationship with food and yourself and not attaching your worth to what you eat or look like.

I do know that when I look at someone else, I don't see their weight (unless it's super unhealthy) I see their personality and their character., Sometimes we need to see that in ourselves.

I am also so sorry for the abuse you have gotten from your ex and that your kids are witnessing it from their mom with the BF. THey are just the sweetest kids ever and luckily take after their dad and know that is not right. I imagine that must have really taken a toll on you to live thorugh that, and I am sorry. You are worth so much more than that

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893518
04/27/20 11:52 PM
04/27/20 11:52 PM
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I have an eating disorder. Meds help. I take an AD's, a mood stabilizer and I have anti anxiety meds that I take sparingly. I'm under the care of a fabulous psych nurse. She says there is a med that specifically treats binge eating (I don't take this one) She is not a pill pusher but she also believes there is no reason to suffer unnecessarily.

Here is what has helped me (all done post BD). I got rid of the scale. Willpower didn't work so I quit that. All that did was give me ammo to punish myself for being weak and pathetic. Counting calories led me to a lack mentality and then I ate more. Epic fail. I've had zero luck with diets (I always gained the weight back) therefore I no longer eat diet foods. Bring on the leaded soda's. I figure if I'm going to eat bad foods I should at least make them good ones. I find I eat less when I give myself permission to eat what I want and skip chemicals like aspartame. Oh and I stopped drinking alcohol (this matters a lot). Haven't touched a drop in a year.

My diet is absolutely horrifying right now but I don't care. I'm in the middle of a divorce so if food helps then so be it. Today I've eaten nothing but junk food but its what I wanted so I ate it. I lost a ton of weight on the divorce diet, gained some back (looked sick) and have maintained since eating whatever the heck I wanted doing the things I listed above. To be clear I don't binge or make myself sick.

Yeah I'm bloated and feel icky but my weight is stable and the cool part is I'm starting to get sick of living like this. Sitting here now with an almost full can of soda and I can't finish it. I'd rather have water...weird right?

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893528
04/28/20 02:58 AM
04/28/20 02:58 AM
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Pinn,

While it [censored] to have that feeling, it does help to know its a normal thing many people experience. The timing of your class was interesting, it sounds like it helped you. I'm sure I have some events from my childhood that impact that feeling now, several I can vividly remember. I don't remember much from my childhood, but the majority of what I do remember aren't very pleasant memories. Many are filled with feelings of embarrassment, shame, feeling worthless, abandonment, etc. The perfectionist behavior hits a note with me also, even though I never feel like I get anything perfect. But I guess that's exactly the point and why it ends up being a pitfall. I usually see when I should be challenging those thoughts, and for the most part I do. It just doesn't feel real when I do, like I'm pretending when I do it and it just feels fake.

Ginger,

Hey smile Thanks, I appreciate it. Its not so bad, the kids keep themselves mostly engaged with their tablets. I just have to motivate them back to actual school work here and there. I don't make a huge deal about them getting in the same work they would at school. I'm not a teacher, nor do I really have the kind of time to sit with them for 8 hours while I'm working at the same time. They do some work, but not a ton and I'm ok with the balance. As for the weight, I get people most people have the struggle with an extra 5-10-15-20 lbs. When I look at myself, though, all I see is an extra 60 lbs of fat. Regardless of the fact I've been 110 lb heavier than I am now, I've still been at this weight (mostly) for several years now and it just feels....wrong. I've learned all the wrong ways to lose weight too, I know why diets are an unhealthy mindset to have and what mostly healthy eating is, I know how eating disorders develop, how they're worsened and basically what not to do when trying to lose weight. But when I view myself all I still see is that unhealthy, obese fat hanging on my body. I know there's more to work on that really impacts all of this, more to detach between my weight/body shape and self esteem.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893532
04/28/20 03:14 AM
04/28/20 03:14 AM
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Fogg Offline OP
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kas,

Thanks for the comments, its good to see other's perspectives. I've actually never used any meds, I've been curious of it before but never really been in the place where someone recommended them. Honestly, I always hoped I could figure things out without using them but I wonder if I'm missing out and suffering unnecessarily at times too. I know I have things I struggle with and a good friend who I respect is on an AD, so I have no judgement with them.
I only use the scale on a weekly basis now, its apart of my plan with the counselor I'm seeing. Its through my college so I only expect to see her until summer time, then I'll be on my own again. I really enjoy seeing her, so it will be a difficult transition I think. I still binge, its better than its been in the past, but still there. I have mostly stopped purging though, it comes up occasionally also but much rarer than it was in the past.

You mention you aren't binging/purging and while you feel bloated and icky, weight is stable. I think that's something I've been struggling with for a long, long time and I cant just yet make the leap where I can let that go and accept that weight being stable as a good thing. I feel that way constantly, and while my weight has basically been very similar the last 9 months, I feel its pointless because I'm at a weight I hate. I'm ~6"1", but at 260 I'm still in the obese range and cant accept where I'm at as being ok. It might be easier if I was only 10-20 lbs overweight, but I don't know. I guess I would be miserable there too as its never good enough. Anyway, the body image part is what I'll be working on with my IC next, it honestly terrifies me but I know its something that's blocking me making progress in many areas of life.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893564
04/28/20 02:00 PM
04/28/20 02:00 PM
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Poor body image is something I suspect a lot of people struggle with.

What do you think your weight is blocking you on making progress in?

Anyway, have you ever tried hypnosis? There’s a YouTube clip on it where a well known hypnotist talks about weight loss being simple... that it requires 2 things. To only eat when your hungry and to stop when your full. And then he leads the audience into a session that seems to be based on mindful eating. If you have tried everything else - it might not hurt to try this. I’ll try to find the name of him. But maybe there’s a professional in the area? I tried counseling for anxiety and it never worked. But hypnosis did. Problem is you have to find someone good.

I hear that mindful eating helps too. What if you focused more on mindfulness and less on dieting? These are just things that I have read that make weight loss less yo-yo.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2893570
04/28/20 03:41 PM
04/28/20 03:41 PM
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Fogg Offline OP
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Juju,

I don't focus on the dieting, I know that's a lost case and only creates/contributes to eating disorders. I have occasional urges to go back to diets to control body, but I know enough now to avoid it now. Logical part of me overrides that part of my brain. Mindful eating is actually one of the core skills I've been working on with my IC using DBT. Mindfulness, emotion regulation, diffusion, values and a few others. That part is basically ok and on track, its very slow going but I have hope it will help. I talk a lot about weight loss because most of my frustration comes out with body image, but its not what I'm really working to improve right now, just a big side goal I really, really want. The primary ones are better relationship with food, not allowing myself to be consumed with thoughts of body image/food, and modeling better skills to kids. I was always hoping weight and body shape/size would fall into line when I figured out my eating, and it might. However, most of the research looking at this in regards to eating disorders doesn't mean that's necessarily the case. Weight stability ends up being most comment, which is what terrifies me. I know there in lies more to work on as I tie a great deal of my self worth on my body image, which I shouldn't. Not to say it doesn't have some value, I just overvalue it to the extreme.

Unfortunately, trying to work on weight loss while working through an eating disorder a the same time is like trying to learn how to start a fire during wildfire season. You could try and maybe even make progress, but its more likely you'll destroy both. I haven't tried any hypnosis, I think I may have read one book in the past that touched on it, but never really looked into it. Either way, I appreciate the thoughts. As for what its holding me back from, there are several hobbies I would like to be doing, even dating, that I put off because of how I feel about myself.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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