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A Message from Michele
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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2773538
01/02/18 12:11 PM
01/02/18 12:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,854
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JujuB Offline
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JujuB  Offline
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Hi fogg

Its funny that you feel behind. When i read your posts and experiences i am amazed at how young you actually are.

You have certainly not had things easy, but your reflection and growth in the face of hardship is pretty amazing and beyond most.

I am pretty critical of myself and i was/am of my ex as well. Learning to lighten up and forgive myself and ex for our imperfections is a hard one. I dont want my son to take on that trait. It is not a good one.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: JujuB] #2784360
04/06/18 02:33 PM
04/06/18 02:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
F
Fogg Offline OP
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Fogg  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
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Right where I need to be
Thanks JujuB. I wish I could see it more often, I tend to focus on where i'm lacking. I know that in-itself is a big issue and something that I'm working on but would still improve.

So this might just be a venting post, the last couple months have been hard and after today I just feel beat down and exhausted. I've been doing two classes this semester and its just exhausting to say the least. I work full time, go to class two nights a week, have my kids 4 other nights (usually). I have very little personal time for myself and it draining. When I do get a free night I'm so exhausted I just feel like being alone and don't want to do anything else with people. On top of that trying to date just doesn't seem to be working out. Not too long ago two women asked me out from a dating app, the first I had no interest in so I didn't ask her out on a second date. The other was a more interesting situation. I didn't really feel any attraction but she was extremely nice and we had a ton in common. Almost too much in fact that it felt like a family member or friend. We went out on two dates and then my life got complicated with classes so we didn't see each other for several weeks. I was on the fence for a while and kept deciding to tell her I wasn't interested when she would say something really kind, like someone cared and could see my struggles and then I would rethink it. Yesterday I ended up texting her I wasn't interested and she wished me well. I just didn't feel the attraction there so had to let it go.

A friend of mine who was 34 passed away from cancer about 6 weeks ago. I haven't had many experiences with death and I had a feeling it was coming this year, in multiples. I seen him the day he passed away, he was nearly unresponsive but I got a second where he looked at me and waved. It was sad to see such a young guy pass and I felt guilt over not spending as much time with him as I could, but I decided I wasn't going to beat myself up over it.

So knowing that my grandma had cancer pop up last Sept and it was really aggressive. Nothing could be done but treatment to give her more time. She passed away Tuesday. I grieved some of it before and during when I found out she was in the hospital. Other than that I'm either delaying the grief or I'm just not as bothered by loss anymore. I wondered if the trauma caused by ex was so severe its toughened me against anything else that could happen. That nearly killed me after all.

XW had the kids and I told her I would talk to the kids Wednesday when I picked them up. She asked me if I wanted to her to get them from school early and go to my grandparents house. I told her no as it would be too crazy over there and I didn't want everyone to bombard my grandpa, I knew a ton of people would be over there anyway. She said ok.

So I'm talking to my mom later on the phone and guess who shows up at my grandpas house. Annoyed, I thought about it a while and finally texted XW "Just curious, why even ask me if you were planning to go over there anyway?". No response, so later I asked "Did you tell the kids?"

So she eventually replied "No. Nobody has said anything and wont. I told everyone you wanted to tell them. I'm hurt and feel comfort being here! I lover her too!"

Annoyed she turned it around as if it was about her being there and not the fact she asked me something and did it anyway instead of just communicating it to me. I was annoyed but let it go as the kids didn't and I wanted to talk to them.

So the day before the funeral XW comes to the viewing and stays most the time and chats with my family. She has a right to mourn her also so I wouldn't say anything. That being said it still bothers me to be around her more than a few minutes at a time, its just not something I would prefer but I deal with it for the kids sake. She also brought her sister when I don't think has really met my grandma much, but so be it.

At this point my grandmas death is ok by me. I knew she was in pain and it was her time to go. She lived a decently long life filled with love and was ready to go. I didn't really even have a reaction to her body, it didn't look like her and that kinda confirmed my feelings she was in a better place and while its sad, its ok too. I was more worried about kids and trying to be there for them. I read up on what to do and what to say to them, I knew they would ask questions and I shouldn't force anything. D7 didn't want to go up to the casket and see the body, I told her she didn't have to and whatever made her comfortable was OK. S5 went right up and kept staring, he would move around and look at her from different angles and finally ended up being a little sad and saying he wanted to spend more time with grandma. I just tried to be there for him. So then I was annoyed to find out XW tried to drag D7 up to see her and then later she talked to me and said "D7 isn't talking about it", so I told her not to force anything and its normal for kids to process it slowly over time. But my annoyance with XW was growing, shes so full of herself and in the victim mentality. Everything is about her and making her feel good.

So funeral day comes, XW comes to the funeral with her BF in tow. I expected it, honestly did, but it annoyed me and made me uncomfortable. I let it go and did the best I could to be there. They come to the burial also, expected. Then we all go to an American Legion afterwards to eat with family. Again she comes, my patience with all of this is getting old but I'm not going to make scene or be rude. This isn't about me anyway so I suck it up. At one point some guy was talking to XW after S5 was making some noise (no clue who this guy was, distance cousin or friend of grandma maybe). He makes some comment thinking her BF is the dad, she correct him after the second time he says it and points to me " no that's his dad, this is his step dad". Then this guy makes some joke and they laugh, I thought it was "well this one looks better" in some joking comparing way, but it [censored] with my head. More and more the day goes on and I'm annoyed but I bury it deep because this day isn't about me. I was talking with XW's SIL (were still close) and she couldn't believe she brought him, but it makes sense to me. XW is so inside her own mind and only considers things from how it affects her. Even her own kids, I've watcher her guilt them after they said something (that was true) but made her look bad. I think I've said this before but I don't even think shes doing it. Her mind is so protective of herself that shes clueless to how her actions effect other people. I don't even think she realizes it.

So i'm coming down from all of that. Being around her is more challenging that my own grandmothers funeral. The comparing comment about her OM2 got under my skin. He weighs less than me and I'm doing my best not to compare things in any way, even if I would win in a million other places, its not the place to go. Then the "step dad" comment also. They aren't even married, but then again its just a piece of paper right, as she said when she left me. I guess it works anyway she wants in her mind.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent somewhere again. I wanted to tell her to go [censored] herself and [censored] off a few times later in the day but I know how defensively she gets and its not really in my nature to be that confrontational. I'm really glad I'm not married to her anymore, her traits are so repulsive to me now.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2784377
04/07/18 12:23 AM
04/07/18 12:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
You know you are wonderful, just amazing.

And you are growing, changing and shifting. No one can dismiss that you are becoming a man only a fool would leave.

This rubbish behaviour is unnecessary and nasty, you see it and know it's truly jerk stuff. I suggest you go to OM2 grandma funeral. What a stupid under the thumb thing to do, lap puppy for a wayward exW. Gotta pity him.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Vanilla] #2784487
04/08/18 01:29 AM
04/08/18 01:29 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Fogg  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
Thanks V. It's just weighing on me this week. It didn't help our old anniversary was the 2nd, my grandmother died on the 3rd and then a few days later on was around all that.

Last night had a dream I was in some setting around them again. They were together and kids flocked around their mother as usual so it looked like they were the family and I was the outside to people. Just as the random guy at the funeral thought who even made some joke. In the dream I felt like the outsider again, alone. S5 was talking to om2 and calling him "daddy".

Then another dream (or day dream later thinking about the first). In this one I had this huge wound that was mostly scabbed over. XW was there and digging around in the wound with a fork looking for something. But with the carelessness of someone rummaging around a junk drawer looking for batteries and she not even notice me.

If anything it's a good visual representation for how I see her now. Oblivious to the outside world and only focused on what she needs, regardless of how it effects anyone else


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2784566
04/09/18 01:07 AM
04/09/18 01:07 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
G
Ginger1 Online
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Ginger1  Online
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Joined: Feb 2015
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First, I would like to reach through the computer and give you a hug. I am very sorry for your losses. It' salot to endure in a short period of time.....

Your exW is an absolute a$$ for bringing OM to YOUR grandmothers funeral. And OM is just as big of an arse for going. I am really sorry you had to endure that.

I know you know this already, but sometimes we need to hear it from someone who gets it. You are their one and only father. I promise you that. I have seen those kids with you and they know exactly who Daddy is. There is no mistaking it ever. I know exactly what you are describing, feeling like you are looking in on someone elses's family as a spectator. Those are your kids, however and you will never be a spectator in their lives.

And I'll tell you something else you know, but might need to hear it again. As a "mature" woman. (i.e.- old). Weight only matters is it is causing health problems. Who cares if OM is thinner. It's the last thing a more mature woman would see. The thinner the guy is not the better. Like you said, you totally beat him in a million other ways, and I can guarantee you, those ways are way more attractive and what us more mature women look for. We wouldn't even see weight. A man who takes care of himself and his kids, has a good job, volunteers, has a good heart, that's what we see. That's what anyone worthy of you would see. All your accomplishments and your good heart. And you are a good looking dude.

Let the positive you see in yourself outweigh any negative you see in yourself, ok?

Hang in there. Concentrate on school, when life is busy, I realize I really don't let anyone in who isn't worth the time. Sounds shallow, maybe, but I don't have the energy to put in otherwise. And that is ok. Put your focus on taking care of yourself, whatever that may mean to you.

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Ginger1] #2784570
04/09/18 01:22 AM
04/09/18 01:22 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Dreams have meaning.

I recollect posting about a dream I had where the flesh on my stomach was dying and there was a maggot in it with the G face. Strangely it didn't hurt, I watched with fascination and slight disgust but didn't interfere or stop it.

After much thought and IC I decided this was detachment on my part. It was a relief to see the G as a maggot and that it didn't hurt. There was a wound and the flesh was healed apart from the dead bit.

It's symbolic.

Note your wound was stabbed, scab is healing. That is good news.

Who cares about grubbing exes. I think the dream is excellent.

OM2 is thinner? Easier to bully!

Grot bag cheaters.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Vanilla] #2784654
04/09/18 07:39 AM
04/09/18 07:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Wow....not even sure how to respond. Your XW brought her current BF to YOUR grandmother's funeral. That is screaming tacky and classless to me.

I know how you feel about feeling like you are on the outside looking in watching your kids, XW and her BF being a family. Thing is, while I don't know you, from what you write, it seems that you are an amazing dad. You really make a very concentrated effort to put your kids first which is a whole lot more than seems to be coming from your XW's side of the equation.

Hang in there, Fogg!


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Dawn70] #2785376
04/14/18 11:30 AM
04/14/18 11:30 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Fogg  Offline OP
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Right where I need to be
Thank you all, I really do appreciate the comments. There are times ex's behavior gets under my skin but the weird part is I still end up feeling like the wrong one.

This might not even make sense but anytime I see these self centered and selfish actions my mind turns it around on myself. Like its not even possible this is her, someone I once loved or cared about, trusted. I see what shes done/doing and it just seem so ridiculous and unbelievable I begin to wonder, maybe it is.... Maybe the reason this sounds unbelievable because I'm really the one who's seeing it that way. Maybe to everyone else there's nothing wrong with her actions and really, I'm just the crazy one twisting it around to be something its not.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2785381
04/14/18 12:11 PM
04/14/18 12:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline
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Vanilla  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
No honey her actions are crummy. Truly crummy and stupid scrambled eggs for brains with a helping of special sausage.

As these waywards get older (and we get wiser) the stuff that is inside their heads deteriorates. Why because their limbic system and hypocampus deteriorates, the poor mammalian brain can't cope and the neo cortex fails to light up. They simply don't learn and go feral.

This woman isn't the one you M, she has chosen her destructive path and it is destroying her.

Sorry Fogg to be the bearer of that bad news.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2830472
12/31/18 07:04 PM
12/31/18 07:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
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Fogg Offline OP
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Fogg  Offline OP
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Right where I need to be
These updates seem to grow further and further apart. Yesterday or the day before was BD, 4 years out. More than 2 years divorced now and cant complain overall. Emotions run around at times but more and more life continues and time heals. I have moments where the anger comes back up, usually around this time of year which I'm sure the lack of sun doesn't help. Sometimes I don't even realize they've come up unto I snap out of a fantasy in my head realizing I've been playing out an imaginary scenario for a while. For instance, last night I was in bed and couldn't sleep. The scenario was something happened where ex were giving me attitude over how we swap kids thinking she deserved more time or I was being unreasonable, then we get into an argument and I'm telling her how I feel and if she doesn't like it we can go to the arrangement in our divorce paperwork as it means less time for her. Later I'm at home and she doesn't like the new arrangement we go back to and tries telling me to drop the kids off with her boyfriend, even thought its my day. Then the bf comes over and asks to get kids and I tell him I will call the cops for kidnapping. Then I'm in front of a judge telling my side of the story and it gets back to the things that happened around DB and her not keeping her word with having kids around bf before she even filed for D. These scenarios always seem to be me expecting some conflict and then when some happens I get pulled into expressing my frustration of everything and it turning into more conflict.

None of this is the reality though, there's little conflict between us and we usually work well on kids stuff without it even having to be said. I guess at times I'm on guard for it. Once in a blue moon she will get frustrated with something and seem to jump on me through text, usually these are minor things that are unreasonable so I either shut it down calmly or ignore it all together. Other than that we swap kids fine, we are flexible with each other. I know she has issues with money so I end up paying the majority of the medical stuff and in turn she will pick up kids from school so I can work. Again, all of this just happens so theirs a lot to be grateful for there. As for the BF we don't really interact at all. I realized today I might see him a few times a week but I don't think more than 2 dozen words have been said between us in the last 3 years. I just choose not to be around them. I don't go to the birthday parties even when kids ask, I explain my reasoning and let them know its not about them, me and their mother just don't do stuff together like that. I know some here end up doing combined things and right or wrong I'm choosing not to be around her and her BF. I'm sure a this point she feels the same and doesn't want to be around me. Me and the kids with on vacation to Disney with her brother and wife + my nieces and while we didn't say anything about it to each other (she knew we were going to Florida for vacation maybe a year in advance), we didn't talk. A week or two later we had a parent teacher conference and it was almost comical walking out the building at the same time and how much she kept her distance to get away from me. She said bye to kids and power walked ahead to leave (we still had to walk through the entire school) with her BF's kids. She was getting frustrated as one of her BF's kids was dragging behind so she slowed down and let us pass, then stayed didn't start to walk again until we were at the end of the hallway. Again, comical as I was walking at a steady pace, the two sets of kids were kinda sticking together and she was all the way forward or behind. I have more to post but that's enough of her and the BF, I rarely talk about them to anyone now so I guess that's just a little venting built up.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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