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A Message from Michele
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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Ginger1] #2757192
08/20/17 06:38 AM
08/20/17 06:38 AM
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JujuB,
I can't say there's any love for my ex left at all. There are times the anger comes up for a tiny bit, but as time goes by it's less and less. I guess it is sad the stranger part. Maybe it's my own defense mechanism, maybe it's how these things progress naturally. She did invite me to S5's birthday party, if I was comfortable with it. I'll have him on his birthday but she's doing a party the week after. I'm not going. I never cared for birthday parties in the first place and I really won't interact with her more than I need to anyway. Maybe I'm being petty for now, but idc. I'm have zero desire to go into her house and be around her, her bf and her sister.

Bucket list meetup would be great actually! I was talking with another guy from around and mentioning I might go to the bioluminiscent bay in Puerto Rico/Columbia randomly and he seemed interested also. He he this own trip to South America that I might be interested in. Might be something here we can look into more!

Treasure,
Thank you. I'm not sure what I'm doing with relationships anymore. Your post got me thinking for a few days and wondering if I'm still blocking out women. I knew early on and I was doing it, I had so much fear about being in a R again. However, I thought
lately I was softening more toward it, I'm sure I am. I also know how busy I am it would be difficult to be in one. But that's just a convenient excuse at the same time.

Ginger,
I'd totally be up for a meetup at Niagra falls! Kinda goes along with what JujuB said also about bucket list meetups. Maybe I'll throw it back to you and say this, you let me know when you're healed up (sorry about the recent injuries) and can make it happen and we will make it happen smile You know where to find me, lol

As for the weight thing, it's good advice and I know there's truth to it. There's also a huge difficulty in letting that go and accepting it. I was thinking about this also over the last week and it goes along with relationships. Inside I still tie my self worth to my appearance/body image and thats one reason I stay away from pursuing any relationships. I know why it's wrong to think this way, but there it is. There's always this self imposed goal post in front of me I need to reach.

Which leads me into the last thought. I was talking to a friend about a bunch of this and my weight and he pointed out something that's came up many times. I'm too tough on myself and basically my own worst critic. All these goal posts I set for myself and what I NEED to do in any aspect of my life. I have all these crazy expectations for who and what u am and need to be. I certainly don't accept me as I am now, even though I was aware of this lack of self love and have tried to do better. It just keeps coming up. Even on my performance review we have to do a self review. I bumped up my own self score from what I put it as first, since I was being hard on myself. Both my managers were still surprised at how I rates myself. "John continues to be his own worst critic" They raised my score again and left that comment. So I'm not sure what to do with all of that.

As I was talking it through to my friend I realized to myself. I'm literary being too tough on myself at this moment for being too tough on myself........We both had a good laugh when I pointed it out, he seen it also.

Forgive any typos, im posting on my phone and just needed to journal some thoughts right now. I'm at my brothers house down south, my dad is here. I have some mixed feelings about all of them. I'm sad and depressed today emotionally. My company gave some news that might be causing me some anxiety subconsciously. My grandma has cancer and I have a bad feeling things will progress quickly. On top of that with everything that's happened lately I'm just a little confused with life right now. Very mixed feelings with life really. I have so much to be grateful for, I know that. But I'm not confident in my thoughts, focus and direction right now. If that makes any sense at all


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2769017
11/22/17 12:33 PM
11/22/17 12:33 PM
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4 months, seems like a good time to update. Some good stuff has happened to me recently and I'm doing pretty well overall. Life is good and I have many things to be grateful for.

I went to Haiti on my birthday with a non profit organization to help build fresh water rain collection systems. It was a pretty eye opening experience that I'm still trying to process. The beauty in the area contrasted by the extreme poverty is indescribable. When you come up to a home that's no bigger than a king size bed and all it has inside is a twin mattress and a small dirt area for cooking, a home thrown together with random bits of sheet metal and tin, well it makes you think. When you realize this tiny home is shared by two women and six children, well that makes you question everything. I'm still working through that but I believe it's left it's mark. I'll be returning.

Something I wasn't expecting to encounter during the trip was something that hit a little closer to home. I realized one of the women who came with us was a WAS, had some things in common with my story. The last unwind night we stayed at a decent hotel near the airport. I was one of the last 4 awake and she was getting drunk and sexual with people. Last I saw was her walking away with another MARRIED man and they were being grabby and sexual with eachother. They were found alone in his room at 3am, no one knows for sure what did or didn't happen. It's interesting you want get away from this stuff, where there are people, there are broken people who make bad choices with their marriage.

Anyway, something that was bothering me for a long time that I've discussed before was my body image and how I tied it to my self worth. In my mind I always thought I'll never have a real relationship without getting the perfect body, or at least significantly more tone than I am now. That fact made me stay away from women. So untried something different and separated them as best I could and worked on my self confidence. I went out with this one woman lady week. Her online pictures showed she was attractive and it made me a little anxious but I just tried to keep my good qualities in sight (which I realize I have many). When I met her for coffee I then realized she was MUCH more attractive in person than her picture and in my head thought "[censored], she's way too hot", lol. I guess I somewhat convinced myself it didn't matter as she was out of my league (wrong thought, I know). So I changed my attitude and figured I would just enjoy her company and have fun, use the date ad practice. 3 hours later of just coffee I then realized we both were having a good time, the conversation was going well and I'm not so bad at this 1 on 1 talking. She as also playing with her hair alot and smiling. We did a second date a few days later and again I felt like it went well but she was acting anxious toward the end. As I walked her to her car I put the pieces together and remembered her putting on chap stick, so I went in for a kids and that's exactly what she wanted and was nervous about! So I'm seeing her again Wednesday, good stuff so far and even if it doesn't go anywhere else I feel more confident.

Now for my last update which threw me foe a loop today. Last night I was doing laundry at 10pm. I live in an apartment on the 3rd floor, the laundry is in the basement. So at midnight I get it and I notice a note on my door turned around so no one can read it. It's a post it note that reads " Hi, I'm not even sure what I'm doing but I wanted to say hi. hope all is well" with no name. It confused me but I feel like I knew who it was. The lady underneath me is married with 2 kids and is pretty friendly with me. She always says hi and smiles, stops me and asks about S5. She's even given me a few things for him. Well I always had this suspicion she was interested in me more than just being friendly, like she wanted to know me better. I also knew she was having marriage problems when I first moved in. So I kinda forgot it and then before I left for a trip to family this morning she knocks on my door and is super nervous. She tells me she left the note and apologized for it. She then asked if I had a min to talk and I went out in the hallway away from my kids. She said she didn't want to talk out there in hallway, she didn't want another neighbor to hear but she started anyway. She told me it was her marriage and it's in a bad place, she knew I was divorced and she just felt lonely last night and wanted someone to talk with but she also wasn't sure as it might be innappropiate. She was so apologetic and nervous telling me it She kept talking, said her husband was horrible and she thought I could hear them fight, which I haven't in a long time. The other neighbor actually came out and realized we were standing there and started talking to us also but the lady changed the subject. She eventually said she didn't want to keep me anymore from packing and said bye. So yeah.....

It's like I could hear her pain and she's desperate to find someone for emotional support and I see where that's going, not a place ill put myself in even even if there's mixed emotions there, not that I'll act in them. I was kind talking to her and told her I understand holidays are stressful and marriage problems are hard, or something like that. I didn't say much else, just listened. I have empathy for her but I can't be the person to support her with where she's at. It hits too close to home


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2769020
11/22/17 02:22 PM
11/22/17 02:22 PM
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Lol - after your description of your dates, I'm totally picturing you as Kevin James character in Hitch! If you haven't seen it, you must watch it.

I'm an attractive woman, but my ex's frequent criticisms were a drag. I have a strong sense of self though and I knew some of his criticisms were downright ridiculous. Still, it was liberating to find that men who dated me after my divorce thought I was great he way I was. Apparently, you've still got it going on too!

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: kml] #2769071
11/23/17 10:24 PM
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lol kml. I have seen it, it's hilarious! I wouldn't say I have that characters charm but who knows. It's hard for me to see my good qualities and not focus on the lacking ones, so possible? The pit of insecurity I've dug myself into over the years has been hard to claw out of, it's been one of my biggest hurdles. But from what I've heard even attractive people struggle with that.

It's awesome the men youve dated since divorce appreciated you for who you were and gave you some proof the ex's comments were wrong. I'm sure finding women who validate my good qualities will help me see what I should be seeing already.


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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2769079
11/24/17 01:43 AM
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I am so happy you came here to update! What an amazing experience Haiti must have been! I am glad you got the opportunity to experience that, I hope to one day myself.

Fogg, I see that lady as lucky to have met you. You are a very attractive guy inside and out. I love how you picked up on her chapstick clue! You are good! Seriously, enjoy this. She sounded just as nervous. I suffer form the same insecurities, I admit it, I have a date with a guy today who I feel is way out of my league. I just have to remember self-confidence is what is sexy. Just like you did, and you nailed it. So I am going to try to channel you when on this date.

The married people looking for any sort of comfort is a crazy thing when it is very apparent it is all over. I have male married friends come to me for it, I have female friends and family who do it...... I can humanize it a bit now, but I know I would never be a part of it. You are truly doing the right thing.

I am glad to her you and the kiddos are doing well. And remember, you are a great catch in so many ways!

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Ginger1] #2770853
12/09/17 02:22 PM
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Thanks Ginger, your kind words mean so much to me. I've seemed to have avoided the married woman downstairs since then. Only once we ran into each other and she just said hi, didn't try to say anything else. If she ends up coming to me again Ill hear her out and offer her my advice or resources for support but I'll have to let her know I cant be the one she comes to for emotional support of any kind, it just isn't a situation ill put myself in.

I think things with the girl I've been seeing are going well. We've been out maybe 5 times now, most the dates we've have a nice goodnight kiss after I walk her to her car. The second kiss was a little more intense and I think I was trying to force something. You see, the first kiss didn't feel exactly right. We didn't have the right rhythm or things weren't meshing right, I couldn't place it. It just made me suspicious maybe I wasn't really into her that much or maybe I had an irrational exception of an intense fireworks display. You know, the over the top getting lost in passion. I think there was some comparison with my ex as that's what we had to start with and that's all the experience I've had. Anyway, the second kiss I went a little stronger and I walked away from it thinking "ok, wtf is going on here" in an awkward way. I worked it out some in my head with the above thoughts and let go of what I was expecting and then just tried to match her kissing style. The next time things just felt right. I was overthinking it, even looking for reasons it was going to end. It just felt too good to be true I guess, still does some but I'm letting go and just seeing where it goes. Kinda like I did the first date, just enjoy it for what it is now.

Anyway, it seems shes interested. After the 4th date she asked me when I was available again and I didn't have to ask her out, she basically made the plans and even asked if she could pay on the last date since I picked up all the other checks. I didn't mind paying but it was nice she offered and did it at the same time. Then after the last date she she knew I would be busy this weekend and said she hopes to see me again soon and that she really enjoys spending time with me. I'm starting to feel comfortable with her, its a strange feeling. Like something I haven't experienced in a long time so I completely forgot about it. This last date when we started dinner she seemed very anxious and fidgety, like she had something to tell me and was very nervous to do so but also seemed as if she had been itching to do it also. She then started to talk about her day and work stuff, she was kinda venting about something that was really bothering her with a co-worker. I realized she wanted to open up to me but maybe was just nervous about it looking a certain way. It was cute and I just listened and I could see her nervousness melt away and she was comfortable too. The nervousness dropped out so fast and she looked so relieved to just talk to me about what was bothering her. It felt nice to be someones, someone to talk to, if that makes sense. I'm getting nice tastes of what it feels like to do this dating stuff and being close to someone again. It feels so natural yet foreign at the same time.


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Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2771145
12/12/17 04:40 AM
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I just wanted to drop by and let you know how happy I am for you. This dating stuff can be confusing (lord knows I still can't get it right after 10 years) but I think you are doing a great job and going at a comfortable pace. Letting go of how you think things should go really helps.

Enjoy the nice feelings. Emotionally intimacy and physical intimacy are great things. Necessary to the human species. I am glad you are feeling it again, you deserve it.

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Ginger1] #2771681
12/17/17 09:43 AM
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D@mn straight its confusing. There are times I think I have a good handle on trying to take it slow and not getting too ahead of myself (or maybe not too hopeful so I don't get hurt?).

This last week we had to reschedule multiple times. Originally we planned on Wednesday, I had to change it after my manger wanted to take a trip to a supplier that whole day, which didn't happen due to snow. We set it up for Tuesday and she had a huge migraine and got some news of a colleague she training a while back committing suicide. We changed it to Friday and when I texted her that morning to see if we were still on she was feeling sick and struggling to get through work. I didn't make a big deal of it and told her I understood if she needed to reschedule. I think I handled the situation amazingly, she apologized several times knowing how busy I am and that I already moved my schedule around and said its not normal for her to be suck a flake. Even thanked me for being so understanding.

But then when communication slows down my mind wanders. We would only text maybe once a day to say a good morning or have a good day but she really hasn't initiated anything since maybe Thursday so I've somewhat left it alone also. Then knowing she hung out with a friend the day before each of our cancelled dates, my mind wonders if shes just losing interest. Really it doesn't matter either way, if shes just busy/sick or she is losing interest, I'd be fine either way. Life will continue and it would have been good experience with dating. What I don't like is how I get wrapped up in it and overthinking things. I see how all of this works me up and makes my mind play games and I wish it wouldn't. I would like nothing more than to not give any fucks what happens one way or another and just have fun with it (i'm there sometimes) but I seem to be teetering from that place to another more insecure and overthinking place. Realistically I know not to overthink it, I know the arguments of why I'm a catch but there's dissonance there as well. I drift into a scarcity mindset with women that's tied to my self worth and damn do I hate how I allow myself to go there!

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Fogg] #2771768
12/18/17 03:54 AM
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Fogg,

First, you absolutely did handle that amazingly. You reached out and you were understanding, no pushy or pissy. Well done!

perhaps we are the same people? I can 100% relate to your feelings on the communication in dating. I recognize a change in normal communication habits and I begin to overthink. I get wrapped up in it too, I go over in my head thinking about what I might have done wrong, ect. I would also like to say I don't give to f@cks, but I do. I get insecure. I finally got to a place where I think I am a catch also. But then I begin to really think there is something wrong with me based upon my dating experiences. I beg my IC to figure out what's wrong so I can fix it. She tells me nothing is wrong with me, I just haven't found the right one yet. But yes, I also tie my self worth to my romantic experiences. I am a good mom, I completed my degree this year, I am a good friend, daughter, I am smart, I am funny, but how is it that I can erase all of that when I feel rejected?

I just want you to know I understand exactly where you are coming from. I do know I don't want to have to chase anyone. I don't want to feel like I have to do "everything" to keep them here. If they want out or aren't interested I let them go. But it still hurts.

I hope she is just having difficulty balancing things as this time of the years is rough. Because you ARE a catch. Please don't ever doubt that.

Re: If I knew where I was going I'd lose my way [Re: Ginger1] #2773044
12/29/17 12:08 PM
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Thanks Ginger, its good to hear people can relate. I'm basically at the same point with people and letting them go. If they aren't interested or want to be with me then there's no reason for me to chase them. Sure it hurts at the time but I think we deserve to be with people who want to be with us just the same. The comment you told your IC about seeing yourself as a catch but then not seeing the results and begging her to tell you what is wrong is something I can relate to also. I know I'm fighting for that mindset also and in the past there has been a disconnect or dissonance in trying to believe the thoughts and the true beliefs that drive my thoughts and emotions. I know those beliefs aren't there yet, but it takes time. Another point "so I can fix me", there is nothing wrong with you or me. Sure, we have points that can be improves but the chase to perfection is another issue I struggle with.

This might end up being a longer post, have alot on my mind that I want to journal with. Today is the day ex left me 3 years ago. Its interesting to see how the emotions toward her have dried up to almost nothing and more importantly looking back and doing some reflection. I remember periods early on after BD, as most of us do, where all I was desperate to have her back in my life. I see now that was mostly my own issues at play and my desperation to hold onto my identity, which was completely tied up with being with her. When she left I had develop a new identity and that loss nearly killed me. My life is harder now but so much better and improving all the time. I have my moments where I wanted to hate her forever, where I even wanted her life to be ruined and karma to make her feel pain. I don't want that anymore, to be honest I don't care one way or another what happens to her other than how it effects my kids. I'm sure I still shut her out and avoid her in many ways but if whats best for her is marrying OM2 and living happily ever after, I could live with that. Any emotion that does come up would be the unfairness of my situation and not being in a healthy relationship (wont argue if she is or not, that's not my business) which really has nothing to do with her. Separate situations that I might briefly tie together and feel are unfair. Life is unfair, people leave, people die, we have loss that we need to grieve all the time. One of my favorite quotes from a friend is "life will take your trophies" and it will. Nothing we have is guaranteed nor will we always have everything we want in life. All of us has a tremendous amount to be grateful for and its important to recognize those things and be grateful. I wish the best to me ex, I hope she finds whats shes looking for. No hard feelings.

Recently I talked with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while. Hes basically my best friend but I isolate so much and we both have such busy schedules I don't meet up with him much. Well, hes very close with another friend and this second friend has been dealing with cancer for several years now. Hes 34 now and I know he had bad days and periods over the last couple years but I always assumed it was something he was staying on top of and the bad days were more of not seeing the best positive progress he wanted. I was wrong. My friend takes the other to his appointments instead of his family doing it. Basically they stopped chemo a month ago and a week or two ago during his last appointment they explained why and started talking to them about hospice. Hes tried so many different types of chemo treatments now the risk is too high to his immune system to keep trying and its basically at the end of the line. I couldn't believe it. It makes me really take a second look at the things I worry about and focus on all day and alot of that is my weight and body image. Where this friend is 34 years old and only weight 130 lbs for a completely different reason. Just makes you think.

My grandmother is at the end of her chemo now, it went well for her. Now is the time for radiation and shes starting to talk more along the lines of "if I live until May my life insurance kicks in and then he (my grandfather) wont have to worry about how he will bury me". Some of 2018 will be painful, I can see that part now. I think i'm in a better place to handle it emotionally but I see whats coming sooner or later. Its life.

As for the girl I was seeing, I think I seen where that was going also. Its hard not to trust gut feelings, even the ones tied to insecurity, when they seem to be right so much. We had a few little texts in the last couple weeks. After the week she was sick I asked how she was doing and if she was up for getting together. She basically said she wasn't entirely sure as she was going to be at 8:30 each night from the flu/cold and didn't want to be sick over Christmas, which I understood. She said the week after Christmas would definitely be better and I also invited her out to a comedy club. I half expected she would have plans but she said told her sister she would do something with her but they didn't make definite plans. She told me she would check and get back to me. Its two days away and she never got back to me, so I'm going to assume I wont hear from her. It looked like a slow fade away so it is what is it. I would have preferred if she was just upfront with me and said she wasn't interested. She may get back with me at some point and I might be up for it but other than that I wont be reaching out or ask why. Unless she really has been insanely busy and something happened it looks pretty obvious she lost interest. It was good practice to go on a few dates and while it would have been nice to try an actual relationship for a while I deserve to be with someone who likes me also so nothing wrong with it ending. I am a catch and the right person is out there, I just need to stay optimistic at some point ill meet them. If not I have alot of time to practice this dating stuff and have fun meeting people.

So for my next novel chapter Ill discuss some other things I've been thinking lately. I am my biggest critic. This is something I've noticed and has even come up in my work performance review by both my mangers and its true. I'm so terrible at not beating myself up, terrible.... Just a joke, lol. But I do this often, I focus on the negative in my life and whats lacking or I wish would improve. So much that I minimize and ignore all the good things I have and that I have accomplished, which links back to gratitude I mentioned before. Emotional eating has been the big one lately along with body image. I did a re-frame (thanks for the link V) and got an interesting result yesterday. "Emotional eating doesn't have nearly as much power over me as I believe". I focus on how my emotional eating isn't where I want it to be and felt I'm not making any progress and I'm powerless. Well, when I actually look at the positives I realize I'm making a ton of progress and I should take into account how far I've come. Its like I'm climbing a mountain with 10 checkpoints. I look up and see I'm not the summit yet and get discouraged as if I'll never reach it. I forget to look behind myself and see I'm already climbed 7 of these checkpoints and act like it was nothing because its not "complete". I also see there's some black and white thinking involved and perfectionism that derails me. I have this same analogy in other areas of my life such as dating and developing an identity. I compare myself to others who are so much more developed and "get" it in some area of their life. I don't take into account in many ways I started that climb 3 years ago and I'm comparing my progress to someone who learned many of these lessons over a much longer period. A good part of someones 20's is going through these life changes and I'm taking a crash course because I feel I'm behind. Another point I don't always consider is the self reflection/growth I'm doing and have done over the last 3 years is more than some people do in their entire lives. Its nothing I should dismiss. I'm proud of where I am, what I've accomplished and where I'm going. Not if that could become an actual solid belief with no dissonance, that'd be great!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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