Liars lie (and hide contact and meet up for secret lunches). She needs to show her commitment to you with actions. Beware when words and actions don't line up.
Remember, you are the prize. You shouldn't have to fight for someone to recognize your value or commit to you.
Annab, so nice to hear from you! You're right. Liars lie. It becomes a way of life, and it's easier to lie than to face the wrath of a woman scorned! W says she wants to be with me, and she says she deleted the email from ow and didn't respond. I suppose ow isn't my problem, but I think she's part of it.
How do you get an ow to leave your spouse alone? I know, I know, it's not my job. But as the woman whose life she chose to mess with, I feel like I get to say something. I run into her now and then here at work, and I want to take her aside and say this: ow, do you have a moment? Good, because I just wanted to tell you to leave us alone. When you decided to try out a new sexual orientation just for kicks, and insert yourself in the middle of our relationship, you became the ow, the homewrecker, and with that you lost the privilege of being friends with my W. As far as I'm concerned, you are morally bankrupt and ethically void. You showed no concern whatsoever for me, and no respect for my relationship with W. That you think you can still be friends with her after an A only reinforces the fact that you have no regard for our R, and no decency whatsoever. Furthermore, your inability to keep confidential private conversations and details about employees' dismissal makes you unfit to be head of HR. So stay away from me. Stay away from W. And don't ever contact either one of us again(and here's what I really want to say but I won't) or I will let [her boss] know that she is taking a risk and putting [our place of employment] at risk by promoting you to lead HR. And finally, (in my dreams I say this) you can take your feminist retirement home in Paris (the one she wrote to W about) and shove it. Good, I feel better already.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I've been very tempted to confront OM in my sitch. One of the things that ultimately dissuaded me was the realization that poking him might just make him go after my W even more just to screw with me.
We already know they are selfish arseholes willing to set aside their morals/ethics... while we don't need to be meek mouses and fear them, going out of our way to agitate someone already unstable probably is not in our best interests.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
EDF, so when W sent the NC email to OM, did you help her write it? Did you watch her send it? Did she mean it? I want W to do the same to ow (I never capitalize those heinous letters!)
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
If your W is really transparent, she will be willing to write the email in front of you or show you after it is sent.
I am sorry to hear ow is being such a beeeaaach. You are in a difficult spot know that she is head of HR and how that could affect you.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I want to take her aside and say this: ow, do you have a moment? Good, because I just wanted to tell you to leave us alone. When you decided to try out a new sexual orientation just for kicks, and insert yourself in the middle of our relationship, you became the ow, the homewrecker, and with that you lost the privilege of being friends with my W. As far as I'm concerned, you are morally bankrupt and ethically void. You showed no concern whatsoever for me, and no respect for my relationship with W. That you think you can still be friends with her after an A only reinforces the fact that you have no regard for our R, and no decency whatsoever. Furthermore, your inability to keep confidential private conversations and details about employees' dismissal makes you unfit to be head of HR. So stay away from me. Stay away from W. And don't ever contact either one of us again(and here's what I really want to say but I won't) or I will let [her boss] know that she is taking a risk and putting [our place of employment] at risk by promoting you to lead HR. And finally, (in my dreams I say this) you can take your feminist retirement home in Paris (the one she wrote to W about) and shove it. Good, I feel better already.
The stuff in blue is something your wife should be saying to OW...not you. You saying it does nothing - likely OW would turn right to your W and laugh about it.
The stuff in red is completely unrelated to you and your situation. I understand and agree that this OW is a morally deficient barnacle, but that doesnt mean that her professional ethical decisions are really related to the affair. You can be upset about those kinds of things, but to blend it into the affair is causing you to punish your W in ways she doesnt deserve. What it reads is that you are so upset that your W "chose" this ethically bankrupt piece of garbage over you (for some amount of time) that you are flinging all of this around trying to prove your superiority.
Your focus should be on the contact your wife is having with this woman. Anything else that you focus on with OW is only holding you back. You are so bent out of shape about her promotion...and while it sounds unmerited, it really impacts you not at all.
I am really worried about you NYG. Since the beginning, I fear your focus has always been so heavily on OW. How can you break that so that YOU and your RELATIONSHIP can heal?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
EDF, so when W sent the NC email to OM, did you help her write it? Did you watch her send it? Did she mean it? I want W to do the same to ow (I never capitalize those heinous letters!)
W wrote the first draft - I had told her in advance that I didn't want to dictate the letter word for word, but I did want to see the letter before it was sent, give input, and see her send it.
Her first draft was pretty good (short/concise) but I made a couple suggestions and asked her to phrase it in her own words. Suggested she list some of the fun stuff we've been doing together and if there was anything in particular that had made her feel more optimistic about our relationship. I also suggested/added a closing line reiterating "do not contact me", and suggested she tweak a line to remove the possibility of any mixed messages.
Having her word my suggestions was kind of a test on my part to require more effort on her end and see what things she highlighted. She was pretty forthcoming; questioned whether we really needed to mention some fun things we did... I simply said that I wanted OM to realize that W had valid reasons for changing her mind to refocus on the marriage (I.e. that it wasn't just a B.S. letter I made her send) and that the letter was also for my benefit.
Truth be told, I also wanted the letter to mention our fun activities and my positive changes in case she didn't plan to maintain NC... I wanted OM to know that she was still actively doing and enjoying activities with me... to convey that a number of the fun things she had previously told him about over email (and omitted my involvement) were actually couples activities, and that I wasn't simply a chump husband on autopilot anymore.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Yeah, it's no fun to be the chump! Thanks for sharing that, EDF. I love the simple ending. Do not contact me. W tends to give mixed messages: "I'll tell ow we can't be friends because I'm with you." No... tell her you don't want to be friends, period! I'm going to propose that she send the NC email to ow, and discuss it tonight in MC. I love the idea of letting her write the draft, but letting me offer input. Thanks for your help. It's awesome that WW agreed to NC with the OM so quickly.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal...what I worry about with your situation is by focusing so much on OW, the actual problems here might get swept under the rug. This woman is nobody special. She's just a symptom, and if it weren't her, it would be somebody else. There is a reason the A happened. Maybe it was the state of your relationship, or maybe W has glaring character flaws. Either way, if those things aren't dealt with and you just focus on running OW off, she could very easily reappear down the line wearing another face. It's easy to think all your problems would go away and you'd be happy again if OW were only out of the picture (and maybe you would for a little while), but it's a bandaid on a bullet hole if you don't deal with the underlying issues causing W to act out in the first place.
And darkness is right...OW is more likely to laugh at anything you say than be threatened or "warned off" because of it. The person those words should be coming from is your W. Confronting OW doesn't make you look strong. It makes you look scared because if you were confident in your W's commitment to you, you wouldn't feel threatened by her. You need to be confident that you're the better choice and let your actions reflect that. Don't dignify OW by wasting your time and energy on her. She can only be a threat to your relationship if W allows her to be.
