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You are a free man, Trump!

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trumpet Offline OP
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Crazy to think about. Feeling a bit trapped in the house that isn't mine anymore.

Three weeks and I'm in my condo. I can do this.

Maybe with a little help from my friends Jim and Jack. In moderation, of course...


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
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Posts: 1,732
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good sense of humor my friend.

I know the feeling of trapped. Been trying to get out of my place as well. TO many ghosts here.

Have a good day.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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trumpet Offline OP
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For the most part, the ex-WW did all her damage as an EA.
She's gone all weekend in Chicago, 'consummating' her R with OM.
Tough to take. Have had some pretty disgusting mental images of my ex flash thru my mind in the last couple days.

She hasn't called Me or the kids to check on the kids. Not once.
Sad.
I did get back on Facebook. As soon as the D was final, my X unblocked me. Interesting, right? I then blocked her. No need for her to see what I'm doing.
I have 17 days to until I move out.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 597
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trumpet Offline OP
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So, update time.

For those catching up, I D'd on 5/25/16.
Still living in the same house until 6/15/16.

Since the last update:
-Formalized the loan, and closing date as 6/15
-EX-WW has refi'd the marital home in her name. I am now officially a squatter until 6/15.
-I continue to detach and say very little, if anything to ex-WW. She has made comments to me that I am terrible at co-parenting, since I don't talk with her. I informed her text messages concerning the kids, and kids only, will be what to expect, unless it concerns the house/bills/insurance/divorce button-ups.
-As the day of move-out approaches, the ex-WW ha become more angry and hostile. She has traded in the wedding ring, done within a week of D, and bought diamond earrings with the proceeds. She proceeded to ask how pretty they were, repeatedly, until I acknowledged them. I did ask if she was showing me to just hurt me, which she said yes. Sandi - the heart of a wayward knows no bounds to their anger and vileness!
-She has turned in our joint lease early, which we had planned to buy out and give to D14 in a year, to purchase a brand new, way more expensive vehicle, just for herself.
-I have depleted most of my funds, and have bought out the cell phone plan, so that I can be on my own. Getting second-hand furniture for the new place, but got new plates and silverware. Glad I'm a miser for the most part, and have no debt besides the new condo.
-I have been yelled at, told repeatedly to leave her house, told to stop petting the dog, sworn at, told that I am a disgusting individual for having an addiction, been told I'm getting a lawsuit filed against me if I talk about her 'boyfriend' ('friend' turned into 'boyfriend' within days of the D becoming final), and been locked out of the house.
-My EX-WW has made plans to take D14 to do an 'overnight' at boyfriend's house in Chicago. D14 wants to go to an anime convention. EX-WW thinks it's just fine to introduce her new man to our daughter. I think it's disgusting.
-EX-WW unblocked me from Facebook the day of the divorce. I blocked her immediately.

I have gotten tons of support from my family and church friends. Most are shocked how fast the D went. I stayed quiet for the most part, but did share that EX-WW has a boyfriend. I let most draw their own conclusions, but those at church haven't seen her in a month, and she was sporatic attending the month before that, so I think she's done with hearing that adultery is bad for a while. By the way, she says that my telling others 'my version of the truth' is very hurtful, and isn't appreciated.

Soooooo... lessons to be learned:
Living with the EX after divorce is very, very hard. Harder as you approach leaving. I think if I had to rewind the entire ordeal, one of us should have left early on. I would have tried to get her to leave, but she is one of the most stubborn women I know.
Wayward Wives can dig themselves such a hole that they might have/probably have burned any chance at reconciliation. I'm not putting limits on what God can do, but what has been done and said to me is beyond what I thought was capable out of my EX-WW.
You are who you keep as your close circle of friends. I have some very devout Christian friends; my EX-WW, not so much. She left those who she talked with at church alone for the last 6 months. They would have attempted to talk sense into her, but the infatuation of someone who could 'ease her inner pain' was too great. The friends she keeps now are all divorced, pronounced feminists, or children of divorced parents, man of which had dad-issues.
That I can, and will, come out of this in better mental and physical health than at any time in my life.
I still love my EX-WW. I will be mourning the loss of the marriage, my friend, and the family unit. This doesn't mean I can't move on, it's just the mourning will take more time than I thought.
I can love another woman as much, or more, than my EX-WW.
I cannot fix a woman with life issues.
That there are many of us out there, who have lived through a D, with an angry, bitter WW, and come out better than what we thought we could. I have many, many D'd single and remarried dudes that testify to that fact.

Things that I still need to work on:
Being grateful EVERY DAY for the things that God has given me.
Exercising EVERY DAY to keep the blues away
Being patient for the muddy jar to settle, so that I can see clearly through the jar, and move forward into another relationship.
Being humble, and letting my pride fall away from me. This is a tough one.

Thank you to all who have contributed to my threads. I'll continue to stop in and give a few cents here or there. I have to let you know how the last week of co-habitation goes, and how the new place shapes up.

Please keep checking in with me. Bless you all.

Trumpet.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
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Trump,

I'm sorry you have to ride the crazy train for another week. That's not fair. I know it's hard to step away, but I think you've handled this sitch beautifully.

I love the "muddy jar" analogy; it really is just like that.

Her trading in your co-lease for a new vehicle for her when it was intended for D14 I think I would've brought up with her. That's me, though. You're probably right to just lay low until Move out day.

Good luck in the future. I'm sad I'll never really get to sit and have a beer with you, bud. We've been on this journey for a very long time and my heart truly has been with you the whole way.

I'm at a place now where I feel I need to start letting the forum go. I've been less active, but I feel like it may also be holding me back from where I need and want to be.

I'm going to do my last update here and then I'm not sure what's next. I know it will be tough to leave you all, but I feel like the people I've communicated with the most are reaching the ends of their journeys and many have all but left; thinking it's time for me to do the same.

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Trumpet
Great summary and words of wisdom
Your ex WAW has lost a good man

She is a classic WAW and doesnt deserve you. I feel you & I have been living the same nightmare. I have about 4-6 more weeks in the house with the STBX and wish it was different and we were a story on this board about R or piecing but as I have posted, I am Toast.

It just amazes me the similarity in some of the WAW/H on this board...at this stage of things like yours, JimK's, mine...the list goes on.

They are probably part of the statistic of divorcees that a year later wish they worked things out and have regrets.

By gones....wishing you the best.


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Trumpet,

You made it this far, hey one more week will go by quickly! All I can say is that you will feel better and more like yourself when you are in your own place. You will be able to focus more on you and continue to DB.

rich4j,

I am going to be optimistic and hopeful for all those on this board and pray that the WW/WH/WAW/WAHs do have regrets a year later and at least make a half a$$ effort in trying to reconcile. At least that attempt will be better than their past actions of breaking up the M and their families.

The glass of water is always half full and I will continue to DB and learn to be the best dad and man I can be.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Trumpet, I am so very, very sorry for the pain you're going through, but you sound soooo strong. I don't know how you do it, I am a wreck these days and had to quit my new job.

I don't know which side of town you are on, but if you need moving help, I have plenty of time and a van. It could be sort of fun to see WW's face if a strange woman showed up and helped you! grin


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Update time. Don't know how many more I will have here, but I do check up with many of you. Tough to keep up with all the new people. So many similarities to so many stories.

My story feels like a trilogy - growing up, college, and my single life/marriage, kids, and jobs/my EX-WW's medical, marriage issues, EA, PA's, and D/new single life, manager job, coparenting, new condo.

My pornography addiction runs through all 3 parts. So much of our world, our beloved U.S.A, believes porn, and the small sins, the white lies, don't have an effect on your life and relationships. That is a lie. It does. My addiction put a tint on the glasses/lenses I see through. The anger I held in was from it. I couldn't look people in the eye - yep, the guilt and shame. Not wanting to be a leader to my family, to be a manager - all because I was putting a big invisible 'guilty' neon sign above my head most days.

My shame is gone; the guilt does come and go. I KNOW my addiction had an effect on the marriage. A big effect. My EX-WW has always had huge body shaming issues. I have to continue to take the blame in the marriage. To acknowledge I was half of the equation.

I am clean and sober. Do I get tempted? Oh yes I do! I will for the rest of my life! I believe God gave me a gift of sexuality, and that it's my job to control that gift. Some years ago I wanted my sex drive to go away - and it never did. God wants me to struggle with it - He gave it to us for a reason. I have realized, after being clean for 263 days now, it's grip on me is over. Do I still long to be with someone? You bet! It just doesn't consume my life.

I have become comfortable thinking about the future without a spouse. I think the biggest transformation for me is to come, in body, mind, and my spirit, as I get back to exercising, reading, and devoting time to my kids when I have them. I have grown to understand what emotions are, when I feel them, and what to do about them. No quick reactions - feelings come and go, beliefs stay.

A month ago I was sure I would never take my EX-WW back. After doing some prayer and bible study, I realize if I'm a man of the Word, I need to keep that door cracked, but not stare at the door. Reconciliation must always be on the table, albeit when my EX-WW would do the work. Until now, there is NO hint of that happening, or ever happening. I move on, I press on, to the new life He's given me. I am free of the guilt that I carried for 20 years. That is a true gift!

I am lonely - that is tough to write, but it's what I feel at the moment. I used to fill the lonely with online games, porn, and TV. These days, I don't play online games, no more porn, and the TV stays off for the most part. I do read, walk, clean and fix up my condo, and work, apart from being with my kids. My focus of my remaining days isn't to hide in a corner and let life pass me by.

I was blessed to get out of the D with NO child support and no alimony. I realize I'm a rare one to have that blessing. I am grateful for that, for this board, for MWD, for Sandi, for Mowgli, for Georgia Bulldog, for Cadet, and so many others who put time into me.

My Christian counseling for the addiction will be ending next month. I'll be looking to continue some counseling, or going to Divorcecare, to continue my healing. I WANT to go on dates, and I think I could be a catch for someone, but if I'm still not completely healed, I'll be a curse for the next person. I know I still have tears to shed. To reflect on where I was, where I'm at, and where I'm going. To be a resource for my kids, as I see they are hurting and dealing with being kids of divorce.

I cannot control what my EX-WW did. What she said to me. The hurt that came out of her mouth towards me. How she feels about herself, and if she ever comes around, the guilt and shame she will feel. They are all her own issues. No way to fix. My response, though, is my responsibility. How I act, what I say, in response to her words, her texts, her posts on Facebook, I have to own. I will own.

The biggest challenge set before me is Forgiveness. I'm not ready to chip away at that mountain yet. I think the wound needs to close more. There will be a scar that is left. And it will be sad to look at for a while, but then it will just be a scar, and I'll have moved on. So, my challenge is before me, and my life goals are being reset as I type.

For those that have prayed for me, thank you. Continue to pray for me and others on this board. For healing, for understanding, for peace.

I'm not ready to unplug from this board yet, so keep posting. I will keep reading. I do love to hear the success stories. It is the stuff that gives us all hope...

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:1-4 NIV


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
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