Thanks a lot for your reactions. NG texted yesterday that her father does have cancer and some two years left, with chemo. I'm sure she's very affected by it.
Vapo | Indeed, I probably scared the squirrel.
Ginger1 | Yes, you're right: if it's meant to be, it will happen. That's why I'm at peace with both options: if she wants to end it, then it wasn't strong enough anyway and I'm not missing out on anything. And no, she never said ILY back. In fact, she still thinks I said it too early. At the time, she said that she couldn't say it since she knew so little of me. A week ago, we talked about how we have different thresholds: for me, I say (and feel) it when I know enough that I want to push ahead with someone. For her, it's after she gathers this information that she feels comfortable saying it.
Maybell | I've been seeing things from her perspective more since we had the discussion and I now understand why I went too fast for her. I'm surprised that you and New Guy haven't said it yet, which speaks mostly about me. I realize more what it means, especially for people like her who had several short-term, failed relationships. She told me she heard it in the past and then the guy was gone within a month.
I feel selfish thinking about our relationship while her father was just diagnosed with cancer. But life goes on and that's my life. I plan to meet with her this week-end to continue, or end, the discussion.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, I had never before understood the value of "taking a break" and for those of us who were fans of the tv show "Friends", it's somewhat of a joke. However, I have been reading your posts with interest, and I now think maybe I need a "break" from MyNica. Actually cutting it off seems beyond my ability at the moment, but maybe stepping back for a couple of weeks will allow us both to evaluate what exactly we each bring to each others lives and if it's worth continuing to fight so hard for.
I'm glad you are at peace with the way things are going for you right now, that really all any of us can as for.
It's over with New Girl. She's just not that into me.
After the 3-week break, we got together for a talk. We ended up spending 3.5 hours together, and even having dinner at a nearby restaurant after we broke up... We talked about what went wrong. Mostly, it comes down to chemistry. It's hard to define. She just doesn't feel and it and I know what she's talking about. She thought she could settle, but we both deserve better and I agree.
When I asked her if there were specific turn offs about me, she said that I still mention my ex too often. I was surprised, but I did not argue with her. She said that my ex doesn't matter to her, it's the past, she's here and now, she's planning the future. I mention it here because we, LBS, might not realize how much we mention it. I would say that for me it was perhaps 1-2 times a day (am I underestimating?) but on the other side, it makes for the constant presence of the other person.
I had a talk with my perceptive bio mom who told me that I was not over STBX, visibly. She could hear it in the way that I talk about her, even angrily. I'm shaken by that. It's probably true: I haven't digested most of the D. I'm still bitter, I've strong feelings of aversion for STBX, I'm afraid of still loving her, etc. I've been denying it for 8 months, but now's a good time to reflect on this.
My bio mom also told me something of relevance to this forum: I was applying today to NG solutions to problems I had with STBC in the past. The best example is that STBX told me when she left that she was surprised to realize I loved her so much. So I decided I should be more communicative about my love. But then, it was overwhelming for NG, who thought it stank of emotional desperation. So what can we learn from our D that will apply to the future, to new people? It might not be so obvious.
I'm doing fine. I feel the weight of the bad news, but I'm not overly sad. I've spent 3 weeks preparing for this and most of my crying is done. I agree that there was something off between us. I just thought it would get better. But if she's not into me, I don't want to be with her anyway.
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SunnyB | Wow, I didn't expect my experience to be an inspiration. I'm not sure what there is to learn from the break, but I would say that it truly was a moment of reflection for both of us and that it was better than she's forging ahead, even if I'm sad at the moment that we broke up.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi Mozza, I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out between you and NG. I applaud your courage for putting yourself out there again in a new R. I am dipping my toes, and then I get tired of having my toes wet. Maybe I am not done with healing. Maybe I will never be in another R. Like you, by this time, if someone's not that into me, I don't want to invest my feelings and time in them too.
Your bio mom is very perceptive and you are too. I am sure your takeaways will serve you well in your future Rs.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I've no regrets about dating NG (like I do marrying STBX). I've had very good times with her, went on a couple of vacations, had a few nights out, good discussions and meals, sex, cuddles and movies, etc. Life is a contact sport. It's over with her, too bad, but I'm pulling through it and learning from it. I won't put the pressure on any woman that she has to be "the love of my life". I'll let it happen and when it doesn't last, I'll appreciate what I got. When it's a good match, it will last longer, maybe forever. I look forward to my next relationship.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
No mate, no gloating, really none at all. I too know that sometimes the desire for a feminine touch was overwhelming. I tried dating, I tried to force myself to "connect" but forcing is not good enough. One should not have to force himself in to the matters of love. So I gave myself a chance, to be myself. And I am loving it. I do not try to force myself into a relationship just so I can say I am in one. I'd rather it just "happen".
So I go hiking, I go biking, I go white water rafting, I go globe trotting, sometimes by myself, sometimes not and I am loving it and if I find love that would be awesome and if I do not, I know I will be just fine. The last thing I want is to get out of a crappy marriage and into a crappy relationship. Rather by myself than in a crappy relationship, that is sort of my motto these days...
Mozza, I'm sorry things didn't work out with NG but I'm sure you'll meet someone else soon and the chemistry will be perfect. It sounds like you'll have a lot of fun searching!
Interesting that she said you mentioned your ex too much. This is a worry for me too as whenever I'm out with friends that's all we end up talking about - there always seems to be a drama.
Anyway thanks so much for your interesting post on my thread, you're right as always.
Take care xx
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Mozza- I could swear I left a post 4 or 5 days ago - but it seems to have disappeared. Drat - it was one I wrote in a rare moment of silence and was more put together than usual. Oh well...
FWIW, while it sounds like you are doing well, I'm still sorry about NG, as I had the impression that was not the outcome you were hoping for.
And about this..
Originally Posted By: Mozza
I had a talk with my perceptive bio mom who told me that I was not over STBX, visibly. She could hear it in the way that I talk about her, even angrily. I'm shaken by that. It's probably true: I haven't digested most of the D. I'm still bitter, I've strong feelings of aversion for STBX, I'm afraid of still loving her, etc. I've been denying it for 8 months, but now's a good time to reflect on this.
I'm sorry you felt shaken by this revelation - but I can't say I'm surprised. Like most things that involve humans, I suppose there is a range of the time needed to heal from such a primal rejection, but I'm sure that for many it is a pretty significant length of time. And there are some, like you, who seem to be able to work on it, while still dating other people - and I admire that. Personally, I'm quite sure that if I tried to date now, it would be more about trying to prove something to my bruised ego instead of enhancing my life - so I think it's wiser for me to wait. Kudos to you for being able to move ahead. Glad to read your updates.
I find your experience very enlightening. And it seems as if there are many positive lessons to learn within your recent posts.
And I'm with Vapo... Go whitewater rafting or kayaking! Nothing gets you into your body or mind like those experiences.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
