And whether they mean to or not, your kids are filing this away in the back of their brains. Trust me on that, I see this coming out of my 18-year old right now.
I want to reinforce this. Kids are filming their youth and they will be watching the movie when they are older, with adult eyes and minds. Just yesterday, I had a flashback from playing with my dad when I was about 6-7 years old and it shed a new light on how things were at home back then. Keep doing the right thing, let him be without judging in front of your kids, and all will fall into place in due time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I know the kids are watching how he treats them, and filing that information away for later. Especially D13. I just hate what they have to file away.
Leaving for a week's vacation with my New Guy in a few days... I'm a little nervous and excited, looking forward to relaxing in full without the kids, seeing a part of the country I've never seen before, and meeting some of his loved ones. (!!!)
He really wants to be more closely integrated into my daily life, including the kids. I'm not sure how to manage that. Does anyone have any suggestions? He is GREAT with all three of the kids, and totally willing to step up for them. I'm trying to maintain some firmer boundaries, because it's a newer relationship, and I'm still sorting out that part of it, and I want to protect my kids. I've checked in with them about how much time they're willing to spend with him and they've said, a day and a half of each of the weekends they spend with me. Which seems like a LOT. Thoughts?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Tonight I realized... I've done a good job of healing from a less than awesome marriage, and from the divorce, but I haven't done much to recover from the infidelity.
Time to roll up my sleeves.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Leaving for a week's vacation with my New Guy in a few days...
He really wants to be more closely integrated into my daily life
Maybell, I'm totally jealous of this, and it's giving me food for thought.
I'm also very jealous. That was all I really wanted from my exNG. I was a part of his life, him, not so much a part of mine. I couldn't go on like that, as my friends and family are very important to me. he seems to really care, is making such an effort, and really cares about you all.
You handle the kid situation great, asking how much time they want ot spend with him, and that is almost their whole weekend. But ye, you do have to consider how much time is good for you.
Navigating these waters can be scary. Please be sure and stop to take joy and excitement in all of this.
Just to clarify -- I'm finding that I'm responding to New Guy in ways that are more a reflection of how Mr. Fantastic treated me than of how NG & I are. That's the part I want to tackle -- being more aware that this relationship is utterly separate from that one. Not continuous.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, awareness is certainly the first step. It's hard, years of conditioning are going into it. But you will find your own comfort zone with NG, and he sounds very patient with the process. Enjoy the journey.
Yes, I think awareness is the key thing. We may find our automatic reactions are the same in a new R - but if we catch ourselves and question that, we can change our behaviour which in turn changes the dynamic.
I guess the thing that helps me is to recognise that people may come and go in my life - XH, possible new R etc - but ultimately I am okay and will be okay.
Your NG sounds nice and I would take things day by day and enjoy yourself. If there are things you want to work on separate to that R, then great...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
