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I am a cautionary tale, I suppose. I'm weary after 8 years of survival mode. just turned 60; started over more times than I can count.
still a school nurse, now at the state school for the blind. DD is 20, just finished her sophomore year in college. she is doing so well. and that's what really matters.
glad to hear from some familiar posters!


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
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"Vulnerability is the essence of romance. Its the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, "This is me, and I'm interested enough in you to show you my flaws in the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am, but more important, for all that I am not."


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
H
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OP Offline
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
H
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OP Offline
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
"In the beginning, people think vulnerability makes you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care."


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
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OP Offline
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy--the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
H
Member
OP Offline
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H
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
" Developing trust in a relationship os like putting marbles in a jar. Add a marble when you reveal something that makes you feel vulnerable. If that person betrays a trust...take a marble out. The strength of the relationship over time is judged by how many marbles are in the jar."


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
H
Member
OP Offline
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H
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
"People who have a strong sense of love and belonging feel that they are worthy of it. They had the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others. They had connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they were to be who they want to be."


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
H
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OP Offline
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H
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,608
I'm sharing these thoughts about strength and vulnerability (most are from Brene Brown) for those of you who, like me, feel gutted by the divorce/recovery process, or maybe by subsequent betrayals or failures or abandonments. "Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there."

that was me, post-divorce. gutted, broken open. I had disappeared inside a painful marriage, doing whatever it took to keep the family going. I lost myself. and when, after some time, I entered another relationship, I vowed to be myself, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to show up, to be known, to be imperfect...because at least I'd be authentic, I'd be ME. it was wonderful...until it wasn't. lost the marbles, had my trust betrayed, responded with vulnerability. I'd never done that before, and this time it felt I had no choice--once you're broken open, there you are. and it was the worst pain I'd ever known to be betrayed under the circumstances. shut myself down. pulled inside. isolated myself. kept failing at everything because I DIDN'T FEEL WORTHY OF ANYTHING GOOD. hated myself for my vulnerability, for risking and losing again.

But here's the thing. I'm just starting to understand that, while there are certainly some things I'd do differently (like having the guts and self-esteem to express my wants and needs), being vulnerable, real and authentic was the right thing. He was not, at least not after the first few months. I've been seeing it as my failure--but I didn't fail. I WAS rejected, and I WAS betrayed. But I put it out there, risked being known. But I tried...and I didn't try in my marriage. I shut down years before it ended. in retrospect, it wouldn't have made any difference, and as a narcissist my xH would have used that vulnerability against me. but this time I didn't lose myself. I was rejected, but I didn't reject myself. and somehow I'm beginning to see there's some strength in that.

I don't know that I will risk another relationship; I have had consistently bad experiences, chosen people poorly, and I'm just more interested in peace and healing and building a positive relationship with myself right now. I sure as hell won't do it until I feel I'm worthy of love and belonging...because I don't think I've ever really believed that. if any of this resonates with you, great. if not, indulge me the journaling as part of the recovery process.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
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It sure does resonate! In my case, the last seven years of my marriage were a stressful hell. My W became more and more emotionally abusive...nothing I did was right. I ran my butt off trying to be a "better" husband, to change the things she complained about. I was going to save this marriage...but couldn't. As many of us know, once they are in another R nothing you do seems to matter anymore. DBing saved me, not my marriage. I left the marriage feeling that I could survive without it. In my next relationship I was determined not to let the same thing happen. So I did everything for her...she had a need, I was there! No one was going to accuse me of being neglectful again! Most of the time I wanted to be but there were times where I began to feel taken for granted and used...but I put no limits on my time or what I would do. Hey, she needed me! I ended up burning out and just couldn't do it anymore. She had difficult life situations and they were just ongoing and after 1.5 years I realized this was not just "situations" this was going to be my life. I addressed the issues with her but she couldn't seem to change so I ended it. My point is that in any new relationship I need to get a handle on this need to please...get a proper balance. The wounds from my marriage lived on in my next relationship. I was scared I'd fail and by not setting limits (and demanding respect for my time etc) I set up the failure. But we all live and learn...hopefully smile Right now, my life is good. I spend a great deal of time doing my photography, I have a great church life, enough friends and family, a job and don't actually know whether I even want to give a relationship another go. Who knows, time will tell.
Thanks for sharing your journey...it's good to hear from you smile


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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hey, thanks whatisis! I appreciate your sharing.

I think it's a pretty common thing to overcompensate in subsequent relationships post-divorce. I kinda think they're exercises in learning about ourselves (in some pretty painful ways!) I was scared I'd fail, too, and so--of course--I did. I had no boundaries at all because I trusted too much, inappropriately, naively. this was someone I'd known since I was 25, felt I knew well, and respected. and I did a lot of fact-checking in public records early on, just to be sure. and so I trusted (and verified) and got blown out of the water anyway. to me, he was a godsend, a soulmate, someone I could share the healing with (his wife left him a month before my husband left me, altho we weren't in touch until about a year later). to him, I was convenient, a bandaid, a placeholder until someone better came along, altho I had no idea at the time. he found somebody "just like me" (but, apparently, better!) and planned to get married...but she broke it off, and somehow it was my fault...that's how nuts it got. (I think I was a scapegoat in a former life!) the marbles thing...yeah, I kept throwing marbles one by one in the jar, he kept taking them out by handfuls...and I couldn't keep up! that analogy makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm still putting my life back together 8 years post-divorce. enormous financial mess takes time to reverse, especially when I couldn't seem to keep a job (aging nurse in a rapidly changing, cannibalistic healthcare market with frequent mass layoffs). spent so much time and energy on survival I couldn't really work on healing. so I'm doing that now. I can't say my life is "good," but it is more stable. for now. I'm doing what I should to become less isolated with friendships. lost my faith completely (and when xH left, I was working fulltime in pastoral ministry, so that has been kinda disorienting), so trying to figure out what's left to believe in, and that's okay. and most of all, reviewing what worked and what didn't, so I can build upon the good stuff. hence the vulnerability reflection.

good to hear from you too.


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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