Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
My wife have been separated for almost 4 months.
We had a disagreement over New Years while I was sick with stomach issues- she was visiting family in MT.
We had two therapists her mom set us up with who were holistic healers (yes, I know)!
We went down to Mexico last October and used DMT ceremonially to treat my depression and anxiety due to the loss of my mother dieing n a car crash 4 days after our wedding.
After the accident, we were living in LA at the time and we decided to move back home to Dallas to be closer to family; my W had a job opportunity with my aunt and I own an ecommerce site so I can work really from wherever.
Right after our marriage, I became extremely depressed and my W started to dive into to work in order to deal with her angst of me being in constant depression-- not wanting to socialize and being emotional distant.
She came back from NOLA, where she spent most of her time working, said 16 months into her marriage that she met a group of people that inspired her and she no longer thinks she wants to be married...

I clearly assumed she was having an affair which see vehemently denied.
We ended up working things out after her parents talked to her and reasoned with her that her commitment was more important than NOLA at this point.
I agreed to go to bereavement counseling but she continued to travel back to NOLA for work which I greatly resented.
I stared to use medicinal marijuana to treat my anxiety attacks and she began to resent this.

She then decided to go to fashion school in NY after we bought a loft to renovate, which I thought would be a good creative outlet for both of us.
The financial pressure of fashion school and renovating our condo, while I supported both through my ecommerce business became unbearable and ultimately she decided to come back. While my W was in NY she became severally home sick and intensely attached to me which was promising.
My W came back to Dallas and wanted to move back to LA to pursue a career n styling which I wasn't opposed to bc my partner and office is based there. We moved back and her job stalled, she started to travel consistently and working for a sunglass company based in NOLA.
This was just another dagger and I continued to smoke even more: meanwhile I was all in at work and took care of all our finances, home, dog etc...
This contention drove a wedge n between us which led to the holistic healers n Mexico. I was so skeptical and deeply affriad of going down there but she wanted to and at this point I was willing to do anything to get our marriage on track, finally.

During the DMT treatment, we agreed I would stop using medicinal marijuana bc it made me emotionally detached, I would pursue a new career bc ultimately I was losing passion for what I was doing and book a honeymoon bc we never got to it after the accident.
She agreed she would get a job n LA to help with finances and contribute more to our household, and to stop traveling as much to escape.
Things got better after Sept retreat n Mexico and we seemed to be communicating better, I cut down on smoking a lot, and she got a job and was contributing more to our household.
Christmas comes along, I get sick and go to the ER and she heads to MT for New Years.
Our counsellors ask us to write a letter each other seeing if we met our agreements and she basically vents that I have done nothing, which I accept that I didn't quit smoking entirely, change careers, or book our honeymoon, but there was plenty on her side I felt she didn't agree to including quitting whatever EA she was having n NOLA. After she returned from MT we sat down had meeting with her conselors and the next day she packed up all her stuff and left...

I was shocked, but ultimately not surprised I got really upset at our meeting and was very defensive.
After her leaving I woke up, quite the cannabis, started a healthy routine, and began pursuing career options... All the while being just emotionally overwhelmed.
She traveled to NOLA shortly after that and was staying with friends.
I didn't reach out after she left and began the DB plan. She met up with me roughly 3 weeks in our SP and it was totally amicable I mirrored her discussions and didn't talk about our relationship at all.
I found out shortly after our meeting she was at Mardis Gras which pissed me off -- thought was so disrespectful, reached out to her and suggested divorce is probably needed bc we're headed in diff directions she said ok and hung up.

I didn't sleep or eat for 48 hours and called back told her she had right to do what she wanted since we are separated and ultimately I love her and want to work things out- I wrote her a very nice letter owning my mistakes and she called me back crying saying we didn't need to call it quits and we need to work more on ourselves.
We decided to split up assets so we weren't pressing each other and the next week after we talked I find through our Amazon prime account that she is moving into a place and having a queen size mattress delivered to a random house in NOLA, she promptly takes a full time job.
Her family starts reaching out to me confused about what's she's doing.
I text her a couple of times to reach out and she always calls me back.
I decide to go down to Easter down there to see where we're at which she agrees. I get down there and things get really heavy.
Ultimately I leave early bc it was just too soon to try talking about working things out.
We haven't communicated with each other since Easter.
My therapist setup an appt with her to see where she was at and my counselor suggests I file, doesn't suspect affair but wife has no interest on working on things.
Now, her family tells me she's traveling to Morrocco and Iceland, and quitting her job.
She has no interest n filing and suggests if I need to move on just to file.
I ultimately want to work things out but I don't know even know where to start.
Meanwhile she has left all of her possessions n LA where I have put them n storage- she hasn't asked about them at all. I apologize for the long post!

Thanks for your help

Last edited by Cadet; 04/30/16 11:34 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,449
Likes: 32
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,449
Likes: 32
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
My WAW and I've have been separated for a little over 4 months. She moved to New Orleans for a job and we've had little conversation since. She has no interest in filing nor does she want to work on reconciling at this point. I've been using the DBing strategies and 180, but with little results. I'm well aware of the possibility of an EA or PA at this point, but I'm having a lot of trouble letting go. I actually went down to visit her over Easter and it was extremely emotional -- it came down to she wanted me to work on being happy, independently, and she would do the same. I don't want to file and get a D and don't know how to proceed. Our marriage broke down due to poor communication, financial pressures from her not wanting to get a full time job in LA, where we live, and me dealing with anxiety and depression through the loss of my mother in car accident 4 days after our wedding. I've learned she has been traveling out of the country and is going to be quitting her NOLA job here, soon. I most add that I was prescribed medicinal marijuana for my anxiety during our marriage, which definitely added to her resentment; since, I've greatly cleaned up my act and been living a healthier, fuller life. Still, she doesn't seem interested in any changes I've made post-separation. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
I most add, we have no kids, Me-28, W-25.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Welcome aboard Caddie. So sorry to hear about your problems. The more marital history you can give us, the better it helps us to see an overall picture.

What are the ages of you and wife? Are there children?

What was really in New Orleans that drew her there? To get a job that far from home seems pretty radical, especially when she leaves her H behind and has no intentions or reconciling.

When a woman refuses to work on reconciliation, and seems fine with separation but doesn't want to file for divorce.........I have to think she is getting more benefits by remaining legally married to her H, than if she were to be divorced. Are you helping her financially?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
Not helping here financially, but we already split up assets so she has money. Her parents are also wealthy, but want us to work things out, and don't seem to be thrilled about her living in NOLA, so I don't really know if they're supporting her are not. When I mention D she say's if need to move on then I should file... Very confusing, since she's the one who left.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/16 10:24 AM. Reason: threads merged
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
Sorry for the typos. On my phone.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 210
C
CRW Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 210
What are you doing to better yourself?

My suggestion, start working out. Try to replace your previous vice with it. It will make you happier, and will make you look better. Both things that will make you more attractive to her.


Me: 38 y/o
W: 38 y/o
Together: 10 yrs
Married: 7 yrs
S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15)
WBD: Sep '15
W's EA confirmed Oct'15
W Filed Dec '15
Personal awakening Mar'16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
I've been working out. Got on an antidepressant to control my spiraling thoughts, which seems to be working for the most part. She hated LA, which I really wasn't sold on it either -- better to visit. So, I've been in the process of getting a really good job in Austin, which is a city she loves, and have been trying to GAL. She's a big instagrammer, so I've been trying to stay off it to save my mental state, but don't know how she can see my improvements without seeing me? Her family has reached out several times and seemed baffled with what she's doing. I've always know she was really fond of NOLA, but didn't seem to be taking care of herself or looking very good when I went down there. I took very good care of her financially and seems to, now, resent all the material things I bought her, which in hindsight was a mistake. We should of travelled more and spent less on petty things, but I've acknowledged that and intend to change. Maybe too little to late... just really [censored]!

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hello Caddie2,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I am also very sorry about the loss of your mother. There is never a good time, but 4 days after your wedding must have been enormously difficult.

Sandi brings up a great point. What benefits does she enjoy while being married? Is she not filing because she wants to keep you around as plan B?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard