I hope you are feeling better with a little rest!!!
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I wonder if guys who read it find their needs resonate with the 'guys needs.' I thought the list of 10 needs that always seem to crop up..but priority order may vary among folk..was useful.
I would say that the list does resonate with me...the order is not necessarily the same for everyone thought.
over the last year I have been poking and prodding guys in the office into thier insights...call it research.
sexual fulfilment certainly is important (and i would have chalked myself in that category a year ago) but so many of these men are driven truely by desire to be wanted and appreciated...the book may have missed the mark with that one being so low on importance.
Thanks guys - Z, thanks for the 'needs' insight and RD/Huddy/Bttrfly and Job - thanks for stopping by - & for thinking I'm great already! I don't always feel 'great' - but I do sometimes and I feel I'm making progress.
Yes, I am all better now thanks, and had a nice long weekend - not too busy, but nice things on each day and feeling settled and grounded within myself. You know, I think back to BD now, and the time soon after it and so much time has passed since then. So much time has passed since I even spoke to H, and even longer since I saw him. He and I only met once after BD - astonishing really, after a longish (10+ year relationship.)
I think maybe one of the downsides of DBing, is the closure aspect. Does what I have done provide enough closure? Because we have had so little contact (as a result of DBing) we have hardly talked about what has happened. And I suspect our M will end and we will both move on without any of that happening. That's hard when I think about it - but I am also closer to feeling ready to move on.
When I look at things, ours was a 5 year M and a 10 year R with no kids together. I feel I have done enough to try and save things - and have certainly managed to save myself. I'm not even sure I will feel that much if/when the D is final. Relief perhaps - and maybe some grief - IDK. I guess I'm just feeling more ready for things to be over. Like I no longer want to be legally bound to someone who has been in a R with someone else for a good while.
Anyway - just some musings - and generally I'm doing okay. Still complete radio silence from H, which is fine. I don't plan initiating anything at this stage.
Take care all and thanks for your continuing support - it's much appreciated xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sitting here while my car is getting serviced ... Reading your questions about closure. I belong to a group of guys, mostly from 'the other site' who are in various stages of this but mostly all have dropped rope and all attempting to move on. Closure has been a topic here and there, ya know I am not so sure we will ever get it. Will not even have a chat about it unless they ever do hit bottom, have the stones to bring it up... Would take a lot to go back and actually try to apologize for all the damage and that's if they can remember 10% of it. Like you I've taken the approach ... I've done the work, worked on me and continue to do this. That's something I wouldn't have done without what happened so there is a good that came from the ashes... I can also look at myself and see a strong good man who went above and beyond to raise the titanic. I'm good, no closure needed... I'm pretty sure what sent her off into MLC, and regardless how good/bad of a husband I was it was going to happen regardless and come hell or high water MLC was destined to destroy the M I don't know what the future holds but I know what I want from myself, my life and what I want in a partner ... These are nonnegotiable and I'm so thankful for the peace and clarity I now posses after trying to tread water in the quicksand I found myself in for so long Closure can happen without a word from the MLCr if you look at it in a different light
This was a lovely and thoughtful posting and you are absolutely right about closure. It surely can come w/o a word or action from the Mlcer. You just have to look at it in a different light...so very true.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cali, thanks so much for your post - it was thoughtful and it did help me. Yes, I guess looking for some closure 'from him' would be seeking something I can't control anyway. And I can also see that - even if we had some contact - some of the stuff might really rankle anyway. Like when he decided to file for D he said - he knows he's made some mistakes, but he hopes I'll see that he is a genuine guy and that he just really knows what he wants now.
I suppose like everything related to possible MLC - whatever you may need, you need to do for yourself...
I think the finalising of the D will bring some more closure. Just now - whilst I fully expect him to complete the D - there's also a little part of me conscious of the eleventh hour. And I think when that has passed, I will feel more settled and really able to forge ahead.
After all, I can't see me and H remarrying and me becoming his second AND third life - I don't want my life to become that bizarre!!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto - the issue of closure is an interesting one.
Being up close and personal to MLC the way I am, personally, I think the best we can do is come to terms with the fact that our spouses have suffered serious mental issues/breakdowns. How much can we expect of a person who has a serious mental disturbance?
Very well said that, as with most things with MLC, whatever we may need, we must provide. We are the ones with our faculties still in tact, after all.
Regarding your h's comment that he hopes you would see he is a genuine guy, I see that astounding MLC entitlement in that comment. I heard similar. My h said the most hurtful and selfish things to me in that letter he sent me. And in it he wrote that it all had to be said as he couldn't live a lie anymore. Seems they are so lost to themselves that they feel entitled to pounce on whatever it is they want with the intent of "being true to themselves."
How much can we expect from a person whose mental problems cause them to be fundamentally selfish?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi HaWho, yes that's interesting what you say about the astounding MLC entitlement in his comment. I hadn't really seen that, so thanks for the insight and I agree that I can't really expect anything from him just now.
Still all silent and I'm in a weird kind of 'brink of divorce' limbo. I think we're just waiting on the court to stamp the signed £ papers then H planned to apply for the decree absolute to end the M. I have a growing feeling that (from my POV) there will be no way back for us if H finalises the D and I will close the door.) I know I can choose to stand beyond D, I just don't think I will want to do that - but I'm still taking each day as it comes.
From what SS said last time, H is hardly at his own flat, so pretty much living with OW at this point. Again, he and I've had no contact since I sent him that lovely pic of SS and me. A bit weird not to even acknowledge it and it does make me a little 'what's going on' twitchy.
But generally I'm fine. Looking after Mum this weekend to give Dad a break. Theatre with a friend tonight. I start Salsa on Monday, drinks Tuesday, yoga Wednesday, gala shopping event with ladies group Thursday. Life rumbles along in a reasonably pleasurable way and I'm by no means unhappy. I just feel a little 'paused on the brink' right now and I'll kind of be glad when we are all sorted.
Had a couple of nice chats with nice guy this week. He's into open water swimming - the whole wet suit in a lake/sea thing - sounds interesting
Have a good weekend all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, Your STBH received the photo of you and his son, but it chosen not to acknowledge it at the moment. They are so wrapped up in themselves and what they are doing, they tend to put us and anything involving us on the back burner. I wouldn't be too concerned about his lack of response. It was a very nice gesture on your part to share the photo w/him.
You've got a lot planned not only for the weekend, but the week. Be sure to carve out some quiet time to recharge your battery! I can't wait to hear how the Salsa lessons go.
Your nice guy sounds like he will be a lot of fun and who knows, you just may do some open water swimming in the very near future. Whatever you do...enjoy the time w/him and the adventures that he's willing to include you in.
Have a great weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Sotto. I wouldn't think to much beyond today re the D papers. You might feel that there is no way back but that's how you feel now and who knows how you will feel should H change his position.
Glad you chatting with Nice Guy as there is obviously some attraction there and his hobbies would defiantly slot into Sotto GAL. Let's be fair , Sottos GAL could include anything and Nice Guy should really be swimming in shark infested waters to attract Sotto
Hi Sotto - just caught up on your posts and thought your observations on closure and Cali's insight was lovely. I will try to look at closure from a different perspective and keep being willing to work on myself with the goal being to learn from the journey instead of worrying about H and OW.
What GAL is on your list?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
