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Originally Posted By: sandi2

Your choice, and hers, to put the job above the M.


As of right now she has no interest to save the M.

I have been NC today, although we share the same bed. Im alittle peeved at something she said the day before about she can see us as friends.

That comment has stuck with me all day, I feel like confronting her and telling her im her husband not her friend (i dont know why i didnt on the spot). I feel so insulted that i want to ask her to leave the house. Is that too much? is it better we stay in the same house / bed? She has not asked me to leave or indicated it at all.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Sep 2014
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You would be asking her to leave to get a reaction out of her and that is wrong. Do not do stuff to get a reaction. I think you [censored] up by calling his wife. Clearly it has not worked for you and you might have just created a It's us against the world connection between OM and your W.

And as far as you telling your W you will not be her friend if you D, that is actually a great idea, just wait until she brings up the topic again. Do not initiate any relationship talks. As far as your W is concerned she is not your W any more.

Also no point in going all super husband mode right now. No amount of caring for her now will change her mind. The only way she might flip (and it is a long shot)is if she falls in love again. Face it, your marriage is DEAD. That does not mean that there cannot be a new relationship with her, but currently, this one is dead as a dodo.

Find, read and reread Sandi's rules, they will help you and clarify a lot...

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Thanks Vapo. I guess i was motivated by trying get a reaction.

Interesting that it feels easier now to detach after she made the comment about being friends. I actually feel like the M is dead, and that she is not my W. Maybe im just riding the wave of anger. Im starting to wonder if i even want her now.

I havent initiated any talk, text, whatsoever past few days.

I feel like going a step further by going out, possible around other women. Not looking to hook up or anything, just i guess want to have a life. Just realized i thought i was already in GAL but in reality its still just work (i.e i mingle with people at my gym). I dont actually go out out.

I wonder how do i bring it up? going out i mean. Do i not say anything and just do it but that would make me an a$$hole. I guess i can just say im going out with friends. Sorry if this sounds weird but for years i have always been at work, my gym or home. I dont actually go out and if i did previously it was usually for interviews and meetings etc. so this is actually new for me.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 626
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Natus,
You didn't get Vapo's advice. Remember, don't do things just to get a reaction out of your WW. Don't bring up "going out" to her. Just do it, and do it for yourself, not to impress WW.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 436
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Hi CWOL, oh i mostly want to do it for me. Not having a life outside work, gym and home has gotten to me now that the one person i want to spend time with doesn't want to anymore.

Okay in the back of my mind i want a little reaction but to be honest i just want a break after 1 month of trying. Just to not think about her or my situation. Im gona try plan something with my boy this weekend but some adult time would be nice too.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Jun 2007
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Quote:
I wonder how do i bring it up? going out i mean. Do i not say anything and just do it but that would make me an a$$hole. I guess i can just say im going out with friends. Sorry if this sounds weird but for years i have always been at work, my gym or home. I dont actually go out and if i did previously it was usually for interviews and meetings etc. so this is actually new for me.


No, you don't bring it up. You get ready, walk to the door and say, "I'm going out". If she starts asking where, who with, what time will you be back, etc.........your answer is, "Not sure, bye".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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You were right Sandi. After the "intervention" they were at it again. I found out with proof tonight.

Two days after W reassured me nothing was going on apart from work that i was being paranoid. I found out today they went out to lunch just the two of them. The only reason i knew was i had a meeting near her office.

I went further than just No More Mr Nice Guy tonight. Enraged that she would play me i growled at her that i was not her friend that i was her husband. Then i brought her to the bedroom away from my son, bent her over my knee and spanked her til she started calling me her husband again. I then made her explain the secret password on her phones and text.

Its almost like watching a kid get caught doing something bad, she acknowledge why she hid her messages behind a password and that she felt that it was wrong,

She looked guilty and remorseful for the rest of the night. At dinner she handed over her passwords and offered to change jobs.

Unfortunately the OM had sent her texts which i now can see with her passwords. I went to find the OM.

Thankfully i had a friend with me that calmed me down. I was able to talk to the OM without trying to kill him. His wife was by his side while i lectured him. She was particularly happy when i told him to start respecting his own wife and two children and stop chasing mine.

I am a pretty intense and intimidating person, my friend was worried i was getting really edgy and looked like i was about to go to town but i held it together and told him this is the one only and absolutely last warning. If he continues to chase my wife i would have to file a report with religious authorities, he could lose his job.

I screenshot his text to my wife and sent it to their groupchat so now their whole office knows hes trying to get with my W. I dont know why i did it but atleast they will never be able to be alone together at the office now.

So yeah thats my night. Lets see how it goes next couple of days.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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You *spanked* her?

And sent something to her work chat?

I don't quite know what to say.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 677
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I gotta agree with Rose.... Sorry to be blunt but your plan sounds as though you are physically and emotionally brow beating her to stay with you. Maybe I am not so caught up on your thread that I am misunderstanding?


Me 41
W 33
M 2013
Suspect A 11/15
Confirm A 1/16
She moved out 2/14/16
Stepson 13
Stepson 16
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Is that from the Islamic tradition in Brunei?


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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