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Natus Offline OP
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Warning Long post.

Since that time, i have made all the mistakes. You know what i'm talking about - try to hard, plead, do nice things, gifts.

Im stopping all that now. Hopefully its not too late to do a complete 180 and quite possibly LRT.

My question is, is LRT appropriate for my case? My wife feels i have neglected her as i am hardly home. Full time job and side business running a gym, so alot of nights i was not at home. Intimacy started to wane 6-8 months ago which is entirely my fault.

She had an injury that caused her to no be able to do her hobbies, she was an avid gym going, a regular at my gym in fact so we spent time togther quite a bit. Then she hurt her knees 6 months ago. Instead of being home with her i was running my gym, i even put in more nights there as we were struggling alittle. This i feel proved my undoing, i think she fell into a depression and i was not there for her cause i was a typical guy / oblivious husband.

Fast forward to 5 weeks ago at my prompting she finally admitted she had no feelings for me. I did not take it well ~ i may have said some things. After that it was like a complete flip of the switch, no intimacy whatsoever. Before she admitted it we were still going through the motions kiss before work, hug to sleep etc but now nothing.

Yesterday, she was not wearing her ring. This hurt. Alot.

Shes not having an affair yet although she has mentioned that she wants to move on and that shes not getting any younger. She wants to find happiness.I know she likes someone in her office but he is also married with two kids. I believe its more of a crush than an actual affair.

In my case a 180 for me would be to be more present, attentive and there for her but shes is adamant she is done. Is LRT really the way to go as this would seem the same behaviour as what got me here in the first place.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 04/15/16 03:29 AM.

Me-70, D37,S36
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Generally the only time a woman KNOWS she no longer loves her husband is when she has already fallen in love with someone else.

You know she has a crush on the married guy at the office so how do you know it's not already a full blown affair?

You can't ask her....if she's cheating, she'll lie. ESPECIALLY when the affair is with a married man. She'll lie to protect him and their relationship from being broken up by his wife.

Maybe I'm wrong but the only way to know for sure (and it's important to know for sure because a walk away wife is completely different from a wayward wife) is to verify whether she's cheating independently from asking her. Don't even let on that you are suspicious....just buy a voice activated digital voice recorder (use cash and hide the receipt and don't put your voice on it in case it's ever found and return it for a refund within 30 days at most stores) and hide it in her car. Should take long to catch a conversation or two between her and the likely OM or her and her "in the know" girlfriend.

This is not snooping, rather an initial important verification step to independently verify and ascertain the truth about your life.

Never divulge the source of your information. If you discover an affair, you aren't obligated to report how or what you know. If the recorder ever got discovered...it wasn't yours.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Originally Posted By: Natus

In my case a 180 for me would be to be more present, attentive and there for her but shes is adamant she is done. Is LRT really the way to go as this would seem the same behaviour as what got me here in the first place.


You cannot be there for her, the 180 is for you, and your kids, no-one else.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Natus Offline OP
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I have the DR book and am seeing a counselor (alone), i offered but she was not interested at all.

I broke down alittle bit today but thankfully noone was home. Her not wearing her ring and mentioning she wants to move on and just the other day she said she'd be responsible with my son when being with other guys. Has worn me down.

I cant bear the thought of leaving my son but if she wants to end our marriage so badly i feel now i will let her go, although i might change my mind tomorrow, my emotions are a whack. Problem is i think she is waiting for me to leave.

I want to have this talk, letting her know i love her and i want to work things out but if she feels the need to be with another man than she should go. Should i wait while continue doing 180s? Im seeing counsellor on monday afternoon but feel i might break this weekend.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: Natus
i think she fell into a depression

If this is true then why do you think it is your job to make her happy?


Me-70, D37,S36
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Natus Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Natus
i think she fell into a depression

If this is true then why do you think it is your job to make her happy?


Not sure i understand, but for me when she got the injury it took away her "thing" her "hobby". Instead of being there i actually spent less time with her due to business problems and this went on for a few months. I feel this was a catalyst in her losing love for me.

About her happiness, isnt it a husbands job to ensure a happy wife? or thats what i thought despite failing badly.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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No it is each persons job to make themselves happy.

You can not be responsible for making her happy that is really up to her.
So the best thing you can do is to work on your own happiness.
Make plans and goals to do this.

Happiness can be contagious.

You can only CONTOL yourself.


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Originally Posted By: Natus
I cant bear the thought of leaving my son but if she wants to end our marriage so badly i feel now i will let her go, although i might change my mind tomorrow, my emotions are a whack. Problem is i think she is waiting for me to leave.


Listen to Georgia and verify if there is an OM or not first.
Do NOT move out until you have seen a lawyer. Moving out first may mean giving up your son's custody, which appears important to you.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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