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trekfan Offline OP
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Quick backstory: Hubby and I divorced 13ish years ago and remarried 10 years ago. No children. We spent the first 6 yrs. of our new marriage in a sexless, semi-together, mostly arguing state. Then he lost his job. During the two years he was unemployed, he came to see me differently and our marriage thrived. We both lost a bunch of weight, and our sex life returned and was finally what I would call a normal sex life. We were both extremely in love with each other. Then he found a new job which gave him a promotion. He works directly under the owner, manages two buildings and 40ish employees. He works all the time. As the work piled on, the sex died out. I have had a huge chip on my shoulder about that and let myself gain 50 pounds. We haven't had sex in over two years now.

Soooooo, he comes home two days ago and says he loves me but misses the intimacy and is not "in" love with me. He (of course) swears it's not me or the weight and that he's always had intimacy and trust issues (which is true). He says he doesn't think he can ever get back to where we were but wants to be friends.

After the first divorce, I turned to Divorce Busting. Once I began a new life, he realized what he'd done and wanted to get back together. During our separation, we were NOT friends. I was still angry with him and keeping up my walls, and as far as I was concerned once I accepted the relationship was over, I was NEVER going to be his friend. Eventually, I began to see that my walls were keeping me from getting what I ultimately wanted which was marriage to him. He now worries that I will refuse to be a friend and will cut him off from my family (literally the only persons he has left in his family are his elderly father and aunt).

I am trying to reach back to my old days of Dbing and trying to stay calm and collected and unemotional. I have told him that it didn't matter if he had been trying to fall back "in" love with me because I had not been doing the same. I had been waiting on things to miraculously get better. I guess I thought that once he really settled into his new career things would go back to normal.

I probably shouldn't have done this, but I asked him to give us 6 months to actively try to come together before we planned on divorcing. He has agreed but is afraid I am setting myself up for failure.

Any advice would be welcome. The last time I was involved with DBing, I was trying to accept my loss and move on...this time I am trying to hold onto a love I am sure still exists while at the same time trying to get a hold of myself and prepare for what might be inevitable.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Putting post from other thread here

Originally Posted By: trekfan
I have told him that it didn't matter if he had been trying to fall back "in" love with me because I had not been doing the same.
I asked him to give us 6 months to actively try to come together before we planned on divorcing.
He has agreed but is afraid I am setting myself up for failure.


So you are not in love?
I am confused at what you are trying to do.
I assume it is to save your marriage.

I might suggest posting in newcomers with your story so
you can read the links and get some support.

Sorry you are back to DB'ing and in a sex starved marriage.

Your answer

Originally Posted By: trekfan
I meant that I had not been putting any effort into the relationship. I had just been waiting for everything to be "ok" again.


So can you put effort in now?
Would that be a 180?


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trekfan Offline OP
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I will put in the effort. Just walking around in the dark and trusting things would be ok. Stupid on my part, and I am ready to accept responsibility and move forward.

Thanks for the help!

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trekfan Offline OP
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I swear the worst part of all of this is trying to maintain a casual relationship. I am not necessarily trying to act like nothing is going on, but I'm also just trying to not make such a big deal of things. He is working on 3hours sleep right now. So I am REALLY trying to understand that and not take offense at his lack of communication. But I question EVERYTHING I am doing right now!! Doing the exact same thing I would be doing normally but questioning if that is the RIGHT thing to be doing... And I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my friends or family because I don't want them to judge him or me or to act weird about it all. Very frustrated right now.

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trekfan Offline OP
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What the hell does "normal" look like?!!!!

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At the moment it looks like being able to get up and still go to work despite the pain. From what I read you have already done this once and was successful so nothing is stopping you from doing it again. I'm not a vet and don't feel very confident with advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own.

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trekfan Offline OP
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Thanks for the support. Just venting. And you don't have to be a vet to give good supportive advice. 🙃 It is always nice to know someone is out there

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Originally Posted By: trekfan
And I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my friends or family because I don't want them to judge him or me or to act weird about it all.

Use the forum for this, it is unlikely you will get good advice from family and friends anyways.

What do you want "normal" to look like?


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Just keep posting and support will appear. Did your behaviors contributed to where the marriage is now? If so, is there a plan to improve yourself? The only thing you can do is improve yourself as a person. It's that simple, it's that hard. Be well



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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