Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Thanks Georgiabelle. You're right that my post does not imply that people in general, or raliced in particular, should date. I seem to be getting a reputation here as a dating cheerleader mostly because I've made the choice to date, so it may tint the perception of what I say.

My point was that, whatever you choose, you're always playing the game. Even by choosing not to date, you will have emotions, positive and negative, that relate to relationships. You might be thinking about time that passes you by, of missed opportunities, of the enjoyment of running your own home, of the lack of drama in the single life, etc. I'm just saying it's not a way to 'sit out'. So I'm not saying that single people don't live life to the fullest, quite the opposite: they are, even for those who try not to!

This being said, have a look at "The Good Life", a TEDx talk by Robert Waldinger, on the importance of relationships. It shows perhaps better why I'm concerned about raliced's sense of distance with the people around her.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Hey Mozza and Georgiabelle,

Great to hear from you both. GB - you're always welcome - never a hijack! I apologize for not responding sooner. D4 brought home norovirus from school last week, and a few days later D7 got it and then finally me. Blech. Frankly - I've felt too wiped to string a sentence together. I'm so glad D4 is starting Kindergarten next year -as I recall that was when D7 stopped bringing home these toxic stomach viruses.

Anyway - Let's see here ...

Originally Posted By: Mozza

I'm intrigued and somewhat worried about this partial withdrawal from the world, this lack of connection. I can't really comment on it as it's not something I've experienced, nor read about.


Mozza- believe me when I say that my rational mind knows it's not good to withdraw from the world in general. I really think it's just sort of emotional fatigue. If it continues for an extended period, I will seek help - but it actually seems pretty normal to me after the year I've had.

Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

I loved being in a committed relationship. Loved it. Loved being married. Even when the house was crazy. However, I have exactly zero desire to be in a R right now. No one is more shocked at that than me. Of course, everything is fluid and what is today may not be next Thursday. I can very honestly tell you it isn't fear. I'm not afraid to be hurt. I have hurt others and that possibility still exists. It's just that right now, I feel it is important to live a little, hang out with friends, and focus on my kids. I have no idea what Raliced feels, however, I think that is a legit feeling. Maybe I am an anomaly:)


No - You're not an anomaly. That's pretty close to how I feel. I too loved being married, but have zero interest in exploring relationships. Sure, I miss sex. And I still occasionally wonder how I could ever trust anyone again, but mostly it just doesn't feel like it would fit in my life right now. There was a time in my early twenties when life was about exploring the world, then later there was a focus on career, then I met XH and it was time to establish my own family, and now it just feels like time to begin focusing on career again, taking care of my mother, becoming a part of my community and continuing to build a life and home for my children. Maybe someday I will feel differently.

I mostly mention the lack of interest in dating in my updates - because for so many on these boards, it seems like a normal and natural step towards moving on, and I guess, like Georgiabelle, that makes me feel like an anomaly sometimes.

Originally Posted By: Mozza


I'm surprised you're interested in the parenting choices of your XH. I mean, it's normal that you'd be interested in the impact it has on your kids (kudos for making him take D4 with D7), but you seem more puzzled about the impact it has on him, like the little time he spends with them. Maybe you still want to think he's an idiot? You want to be reassured that he's making bad choices, so that would explain the D? In any case, it tells me that you may have a few more steps towards indifference towards him.


Mozza - I would never claim complete indifference. He's the father of my children and his choices affect them. I've always felt fairly fortunate because I've read so many stories on this site about people who long for their WAS. I can honestly say that when the extent of his cheating was revealed - something snapped in me and my attempts at DBing have always been more about trying to preserve my family rather than some sort of lingering attraction to XH. I comment on his parenting choices, because for better or worse, I like to know what I am up against. That's the planner in me. I know that's basically wanting to have expectations. I should say that IRL, most of the people I know, predict that he will gradually fade from the girls lives. I don't know why everyone seems so certain of that - but it's a pretty constant theme. That would be terrible for them, and I'm pretty alert to signs of it happening. I'll spare you the details, but he spends a lot of time trying to convince them what a great guy he is. He seems to want their good opinion so badly - and that seems like it will lead to a rocky road at some point.

Anyway - I always have to pepper my updates with home maintenance updates! The pop up drains in both bathrooms are broken. Sigh. Looks like a visit to Home Depot and a good time watching some "how to" videos while the Super Bowl is on.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Raliced,
For the record I have no interest in dating right now either, even though I miss a lot of what comes along with it. Hugs and physically affection and company, mostly.

More thoughts, maybe I'll update my thread later...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Oh sure - taunt us with the home maintenance again. grin
Long haired D14 recently complained her sink wasn't draining well. I pulled a foot long sludge monster out of the drain to much eeeeewww-ing.

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Raliced,

I don't think you're an anomaly. Maybe collectively, as a group, we're all an anomaly? That would just make us folks who take a less traveled path, no?

I'm not here to judge anyone for what choices they make in regards to dating. It's a very personal choice, and I think, done the right way, can work out.

That being said, I chose the path you're on. I have trust issues galore anyway, and I decided to put myself in therapy last year for 5-6 months. It was helpful. I *thought* that my trust issues were getting in the way of my happiness. Well, they certainly were influencing how I chose to engage with people, but they weren't the cause of how I felt.

What's the saying... "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you don't have a reason to be"???? Well. For me, the trust issues were valid. And I discovered through this counseling that my expectations were probably not in line with those I choose to trust. This doesn't mean others are untrustworthy. It just meant that our expectations were different, and the communications needed to be shored up. Oh, and I had to give myself the blessing to see others the way I saw them and not as others wanted me to perceive them.

If that makes sense.

I allowed others around me to tell me that I was isolating myself from others, and that my trust issues were getting in the way of me dating. Although I really didn't think that was the problem, I let them get into my head a little, and it took time and effort to sort through those things. TED talks helped.

I CHOSE not to date when my kids were younger. Again, this is not a judgment against those who do. But I knew myself well enough to say that I would have regrets for not enjoying their childhood, adolescence and teen years as much if I was focused on myself. I knew that I would have regrets if I missed something special because I was involved with someone else.

It doesn't make it wrong. But being off the bike for as long as I was, my relationship skills with prospective dates got rusty. I just got used to not dating and not putting myself out there because I was living the life I chose to live. It was a choice and not an accident. I deliberately acted on what I felt was the right thing to do, and I have zero regrets about making that choice. My oldest turns 22 in 2 weeks, and I am so very glad I stayed involved with her (and her sister) every step of the way. My role with them is different now, but I'm really proud of the woman she's become and even my XH is happy to tell me that it's because of my efforts and sacrifices that it worked out this way.

I'm definitely not saying I had a say in the final outcome - because my D21 is a very determined person, and she takes responsibility for her own choices, but therein was the ground work I had to construct. It took a lot of effort on my part - the words were only scratches on the surface - because in order for her to trust me, I had to walk that talk. EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY. She constantly observed me, and if I had made a misstep, she'd have called me out and all would have been lost.

I prefer to think that I had some sort of divine guidance in how this played out. Fortunately for me, when she and I went to loggerheads, her dad was there to be the person she could talk to... since I was clearly the bad cop in her life. Because I was a complete a*hole to my mom as a teen, I knew it would die out at some point. I just had to put in my time until our issues resolved themselves. And yes, I found out that I was not perfect, I make mistakes, I needed to grow as much as she did, and I had to own my mistakes verbally.

I couldn't have done that if I had been focused on dating or even a more serious relationship. I'm just wired that way. It's why I gave up applying to med school back when. I knew I couldn't do it all, and I also knew which path would make me happier. A career is important to me, but a family is more important to me. Again, a conscious decision.

BTW, if it makes you feel better, my D18 got the norovirus on a plane back east for Thanksgiving that landed her in the hospital. It started a violent chain reaction in my entire family. It was awful. Apparently, it's airborne and extremely contagious. I had a horrible time with it myself. Awful. Glad you're feeling better.

Quote:
I'll spare you the details, but he spends a lot of time trying to convince them what a great guy he is. He seems to want their good opinion so badly - and that seems like it will lead to a rocky road at some point.


As someone who has lived through this experience, yes. Yes, it will. Those little brains are cataloging the disparate nature of the truth vs what he tells them is the truth. And you don't have to worry about pointing this out. Just keep your course and they will undoubtedly call him out on things. My D21 didn't call her dad out on lots of stuff, but the stuff that really bugged her? You bet she did. And there were times when I knew her truth hurt him badly. There really are natural consequences for this path they chose. I hope that doesn't mean total alienation. So do what you can to bridge that outcome?

Hope your drains went well yesterday....

Zew, I just moved into a townhouse that was previously inhabited by hoarding, filthy pigs. (That's the nicest thing I could say about them.) When I moved in, it was obvious which master sink the woman used... and needless to say, there was a bad odor and it didn't drain, and it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why. I was just avoiding it until I couldn't avoid it anymore. I was loathe to pull the hair out myself, and fortunately for me, the procrastination worked out. There is this industrial strength drain remover sold at Walmart in a half gallon red bottle in the home maintenance section (not the grocery section with the other drain cleaners). It's called Instant Power Hair Clog Remover. Follow the instructions and you'll get results. Follow up note: let the hot water run for at least 3 minutes after letting it work overnight. The smell is gone and so is the clog. Happy times for me!

Love those youtube how to videos. I fixed my carpet shampooer that way. I was totally proud of myself for that.

Anyhoo, hope this offers some level of comfort. While I miss companionship, I have a life that I like. My goal for 2016 is to make more friends here. I want a good friend network before I endeavor other relationships.

Have a healthy week!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Betsey - thank you so much for the thoughtful response. Most days I feel pretty good about my decision to fly solo , but there are an awful lot of people in my world that seem to think it's unnatural. And after listening to them for a long time - I start to question if I'm out of line - so it's nice to have some validation on that choice.


My divorce was final this week. I thought it would be a difficult, emotional day, but as it turned out, I didn't feel very much - it seemed pretty anticlimactic. I guess it was fairly fortunate that it fell on Feb 29th - I'll only have a divorce anniversary once every four years!

Here is where I really struggle. I keep as much distance from XH as possible. We communicate almost exclusively about the girl's schedule, and that is done mostly through text and the shared calendar I maintain. This works well for me. I'm more positive and in a better mood when I have as little contact with him as possible.

But - we're parents...... and there is more to parenting these two girls than just figuring out who can take what day off during Spring Break week. I look at some of the other situations on this board - which seem far more high conflict than mine - but the parents are still able to both make appearances at the kids birthday parties - and I have to say there is no sign of that happening here (either on my side or his). I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation for my daughters, and in many respects I have been successful, but I can't ignore the fact that a more congenial relationship with their father would be in their best interest. XH avoids me like the plague. I'm pretty sure that his absence from all of D7s sporting events is related to my presence there. And at D7's school play last week, he took off at the precise moment the last note was sung. So - not much warmth coming from his side either. We're in our own personal Cold War. Clearly there needs to be some sort of detente.

For example.... D7 has had the first whiffs of being on the receiving end of some mean girl behavior. Her closest friend at the moment is the little girl who lives downstairs from XH. She seems sweet enough and is a good student, but she's two grades ahead of D7 and that age gap is pretty significant. She behaves like a wanna be tween and passes along a lot of those opinions to D7. At one point she told D7 that boys would like her more if she said "OMG!" all the time. (My response began with "Wow - there are so many problems with that statement - I'm not sure where to start". We talked it through. Good talk.) Then they had some sort of spat and the message that this girl left on D7's phone was pretty fierce. I was able to talk D7 through the whole episode and it sounded like she got good advice from her Dad, as well. However, I was acutely aware that he and I should have talked it over and compared notes about what we were seeing. And....I just didn't do it. This particular situation has gotten a lot better - I invited the friend over for a sleepover, where I got to know her better, which allayed a lot of my concerns.

Anyway- yes XH freezes me out. But I know that I have agency in this and could suck it up, pipe up and say, "I'd really like us to have both better and more frequent communication about the girls. What do you think we should do". And I just can't do it. And I don't know why. Is it because I'm angry? I don't feel angry very often, usually just for awhile after one of the girls says something particularly poignant, such as D4 wishing all the way to school yesterday that "Daddy could pleeeeaaaase come live with us". And then I. want. to. shank. him. But that soon passes. I feel so selfish that I can't be the bigger person and do what needs to be done and instead am choosing my own peace of mind.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Raliced, I struggle with this too. I know I *should* be a bigger person... and Mr. Fantastic is certainly giving me space to... but I just can't. I don't want to. It feels too much like letting his narrative win if I did and I just don't have the grace to go that far.

In my case, it's also true that the parenting was never truly joint. My girl went through the mean girl drama for all of 2nd grade and Mr. Fantastic gave neither her or me input. With all the struggles I had with her behavior before the marriage died I went to him often to try to talk about how to deal with it and he would just throw up his hands and say he didn't know.

Your desire to co-parent with your X is natural and commendable. But do you think it's feasible? Even if he weren't being so avoidant right now would he be a trusted resource for you? Or do you wish he were the ideal version of himself who could engage as the sort of partner we all need? And if you know in your heart that he isn't really going to engage as a parenting partner, could that be the reason you're reluctant to thaw (in addition to all the harm he did to you)?

I'm glad your daughter's friend situation has gotten better -- kudos to you for being properly engaged and creative in helping her navigate that.

Quote:
But I know that I have agency in this and could suck it up, pipe up and say, "I'd really like us to have both better and more frequent communication about the girls. What do you think we should do". And I just can't do it. And I don't know why.


To me, it's 100% reasonable that you would put up a strong protective barrier against your X. You've been through a LOT and you've navigated it with way more calm and grace than I ever managed. Cut yourself some slack. Maybe someday, when your life has evolved and all this is less raw, you'll find that you've drifted into a more peaceful relationship with him.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
I think we are in a similar place, Raliced and Maybell. I keep telling myself that my feelings are sure to evolve over the many years of co-parenting I have in front of me. My life has had such major changes in the last 10 years... who knows what the next 5 or 10 will bring...

Take one day at a time and trust that how you feel today is not necessarily how you will feel tomorrow or next year.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
raliced Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
It's been a fairly eventful few weeks.

We had a fairly major scare with D4. She's been having some problems with her eyes and while we were waiting for the specialist appt. she started to have other, scarier symptoms that made it seem like there might be something wrong with her brain. After two weeks that included visits to the ER, pediatrician, and three separate ophthalmologists, we finally got a diagnosis and a treatment plan. It's actually a very minor case of previously undetected farsightedness, but her brain is overcompensating for it in an unusual way. Long story short - she will wear glasses and if they don't help she will have surgery. Either way - very treatable and something that should be resolved within a few years.

However, in the middle of all of this, there was a tortured conversation with ex, where he was trying to explain how to get a hold of him if there was a sudden emergency with D4 - and it became clear that he is back with OW (I guess she's not really the "OW" anymore since we are divorced) and spends a few nights a week with her. There is a long story about this in some of my previous threads - but she lives in an isolated rural spot where there is no cell service or texting (this was an issue because he move in with her right after BD and it was very hard to communicate with him at times, and he finally had to cough up the landline number).

Anyway- was I upset by this news? Not at all, surprisingly. I still dread the thought that she will be in my kid's lives forever (and consequently in mine). However, I have to say that this explains so much about what I was complaining about in my previous posts - the lack of time that he spends with the kids and his frosty and distant behavior with me. I don't understand why being with her equates to being a distant and grumpy jacka** with me, but it does. And there is a surprising amount of peace in understanding that is what is going on. I actually feel much more relaxed now that I know that is what I am dealing with.

It's spring break. D8 has been begging for some one on one time with me - so I took the day off from work, we are going to take D4 to preschool and then go for a long bike ride with a picnic lunch.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 6,756
Yikes! I'm sorry to hear about your ride with D4, but am so relieved for you that it's treatable. My D19 is severely farsighted, but I guess her other problems make me think that's wimpy? Sheesh, I might have to reevaluate that. Anyway, I'm so happy for you that it's not life threatening.

Quote:
I don't understand why being with her equates to being a distant and grumpy jacka** with me, but it does.


Raliced, in my experience here on the BB, this is fairly normal for one undoubtedly common reason: now that you're divorced, there is a good chance OW is putting pressure on him to make things more permanent. It's a lot easier to take this out on you (especially if he blames you for the demise in your R, as stupid as that is) than it is to take it up with her. Rosalinda has a lot of experience with this dynamic, so hopefully she'll weigh in here.

I'll go ahead and tell you how things work for me, nearly 11 years later: when Mr. Wonderful is dating someone, he's crappy with me. When he's not dating someone, he's agreeable. I can always tell when things have cooled off with others. What's totally stupid is that his GF's have issues with his R with me. Even though he's usually kind of surly and not wanting to grant me favors when that's the case? I guess I'm grateful that his stance has been through the years that our R works for us and for our girls, and that if they don't like it, they can hit the road. Actually, I've had to say the same thing to guys I've dated. They tend to believe that being cooperative and cordial means we want to get back together. It's insane.

Anyway, I'm not surprised your XH is crappier than usual. You can do what one of my old friends here used to do when she came up against stuff that didn't make sense: she'd say, "Isn't that interesting?" grin Face it, so much they do or say doesn't make sense...

Hugs from another farsighted person.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard