Anything and everything you do to try to steer her ship will only make her revel against it. Imagine trying to push the Tasmanian Devil while he's spinning.
Not that things were awful before. We have a very good marriage. But we lost intimacy... or emotional connection. We both did. I pouted about it and pushed for more and that's what pushed her away. We did that over and over. But now I realize it wasn't even about sex like I thought it was. I just wanted to feel loved. She can show me that in so many other ways. I just didn't realize that before. We are good together. We laugh and have more fun right now than a most "happily married couples. We are both very good parents. She has been detached from the kids lately but when she is present she is amazing as a mother. If she could do one thing for me right now it would be to start spending quality time with the kids. I think if she did that she could keep her mind off the OM and realize how great our life is. But... I can't tell her what to do.
Ok... so Be my best... I can be a great dad. Easy. I'm all over that lately. But what does be my best mean around her? Do I do nice things for her I would normally do. I stopped doing those things recently when she moved to the basement.
When you say do I just continue to detach, and that you have been doing that. What does that mean to you? I see a lot of people saying that and am very curious why.
I don't think you just decide your detached.
What you can do is GAL and some 180s. Not focus on her. And eventually this may lead to detachment.
I am rooting for your opportunity here but what would make her want to jump back in with you right now? I know the excitement of the OM probably drove her. What is exciting about you now that will make her want to try?
I hope she isn't looking for that rush again and move on to try another OM.
These are real questions I'm asking and not trying to be negative at all. Let's answer them and se what comes out of it
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
No these are real good. I'm not offended. I guess I don't know what detached means. She is sleeping in the basement and our conversations are pretty limited to our kids and what needs to be done. I'm still friendly but not doing anything for her. I am not moping around reading relationship books. That's for sure. What else could I do? I'll have to reread that part of the book when she's not around.
I agree I can GAL. I agree I can't focus on her. I have definitely been more confident in myself lately and she sees that and has commented on it. I have been great with the kids doing tons of stuff with them. I probably could use a night out with some guys.
I don't see her looking for another man at this point. I won't say never if things don't change, but right now I think that would be the last thing she wants.
From here it looks pretty clear you may have changed but not that you can move on if you wanted to.
The fact you are still focused on her, what she says and does to OM and her R with him. If you are really over her and ready to move on you would not care.
I still see you doing things to get a reaction for her to return to you.
Discussing with her the R with her OM is a big NO NO. She does not get to tell you what she has done nor why with regards to her R with OM or his W.
You should only be interested in what she has to say about wanting to get back with you. When she does, it should be with sorrow and remorse. She has to understand what she did, why she did it and what she wants to now do. If it is to get back with you it has to be for the right reasons. You have to decide if you want to build a new R for the right reasons as well.
I told my W i wanted her out and she came back saying sorry, bla bla. I did not ask her how or what she did. I did not care. It was her mess and she needed to get herself out of it by herself.
Everytime a WS wants to get out of the mess I suggest they do it by themselves without our help so that they convince themselves each and every step. They have to hurt each and every step so that once they come through it was through their own convincing themselves it was what they wanted. If they find the struggle too hard and give up, it gives you an idea of how they valued you and the R.
I have found that the hardest things to achieve in life are the most treasured.
She has to come through and then continue fighting to make it work.
Even if the OM is jerk. What is to stop her from recoiling now, still having a WW mindset and tomorrow find a more decent guy to start an A with.
That is why you have to do the DB for yourself and not to get a reaction. You have to be unavailable to her until she makes lets call it the green mile and ends her waywardness.
In short, let her detox this problem, come to her own conclusions by herself. There is no guarantee that if he rang her tomorrow she would not go running. What then? All your actions did was get wife p1ssed.
Another point you have to realize is that your W is currently more focused on revenge, spite and hatred on OM and what happened between them. That means she has feelings and is hurt. You want her to stop thinking about OM and start changing the shift to you and your R. The longer she is venting just shows how much more important that R is than you.
Your W is in turmoil, about now she needs a steady and safe emotional haven. You may have heard the term being a lighthouse. Here is where you need to be C.C.C. and offer her that. The light that will draw her in. The light that offers her peace and a way out. You have to be the strong one and not worry about whatever sh1t she is going through, she has to make it on her own to you and want to.
The I told you so guy does not attract a WW. She got herself into his bed, now she must get herself out. You should be the man back at home living his life with the door left open should she want to come back.
However, she must leave the sh1t on the door step.
ok, so in house is beyond difficult. Google detachment in relationships. there is a link to a post around here covering detachment, i can not find it though. When i did, I printed it and read it often. I know I am far from detached no matter how much i want to be.
I did in house separation for 7 months, awful. I did all wrong in the beginning to then finding this place, but w still never truly got the space she needed and always had me to rely on for things. As i think back, i probably looked weak sometimes, but there was some motive to my actions. Of course i wanted to be around her and fix things. I think i can fix everything in life. this i can't. But i also changed things for 180's, but i am not convinced that 180s are all thats cracked up to be in house. They look at you like you are just trying to get them back and it won't last, or they say why now, too late. I made some changes because i saw no progress and new my life was going to be flipped upside down and i needed to be prepared for when we no longer lived together.
I went and still go to IC to deal with some things. I took the issues she told me she had and worked through them. I know this is not the whole reason we aren't together and it is not my fault alone, but i don't ever want the same excuses from anyone.
GAL, i believe is extremely important. Yes get out with friends, but you need to find weekly activities as well. what are you interested in? What is something you always wanted to do? Something you stopped doing for the marriage?
Did W ever give you any reasons why she strayed or became unhappy?
Also, you must realize you are not dealing with a logical person right now. Do not think you know anything about what she is thinking one way or another and put nothing past her.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am a fixer. I can't get out of my own way. I have been working real hard on that. But right now I'm in full on fixer mode. I'm trying to shut it down.
What steps do I take?
As my mechanic likes to say - "now thars yer problem".
The only thing you should be fixing is yourself. Everything you describe about your life - your wife is a mess, you take care of everything, you do everything, you fix everything. I think that is why you are in this entire situation. You absolutely should read 'No More Mister Nice Guy' - its short and you can find it free - because like I used to be, you are a posterboy for a controlling, fixer, issuing silent contracts and holding resentment when she doesnt hold up her end of the bargain.
As for what actions to take - what you should not do is take any actions that have anything to do with your WW. Continue to detach and force yourself to accept that your WW is not yours to fix, and she never was whether she is having an affair or not. However you can enforce boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. By blowing up her affair, you showed that you will not tolerate her affair any more. But you cannot make your WW work on the marriage. You cannot force her to decide to come back to you. You cant even force her not to go back to OM. She is going to be completely insane for the foreseeable future, any energy you expend on her will be wasted at best, and backfire at worst. And if I were you, I would never entertain a conversation with her about her OM problems ever again.
However, there are plenty of actions you should be taking, and they are all about you and your kids. Continue to work on yourself - read that book! Go to the gym - lift heavy weights. Go to some meetups for something you have never done. Plan fun activities with the kids. Lock up your finances, get investments away from her and all her family, and do everything you need to be in an extremely strong position should you end up in the divorce process.
Just continue to be awesome and trust that everything will work out as it should, because it will. Either your WW will come crawling back when she is out of other options, or you will decide you can do better for you and your kids. And my money is on the firmly on the latter - I have dealt with divorces for a lot of guys just like you, and to a man 1 year later they are happier than ever and simply cannot understand why they ever put up with their exes.
Ok Maximus... I'm confused... You say basically don't be there for her unless she wants to talk about our relationship. Then you say be a light house. We have 3 kids and they play sports so were are busy a lot. I feel like my best option is just to be a super positive person around the house and not talk about the A or OM. Just be as up beat as possible and be a great dad.
W's reason for A is basically we had no passion for years. She got drunk and crossed a line she normally wouldn't and liked it and couldn't stop. She admits it was addicting. Not sure if that's a good enough answer but that's what she says.
Not trying to sound like a smarta$$ but I see both Maximus and OTW didn't have things work out for you guys. Are you telling me what you did or what you learned you should have done?
I am not divorced, we are separated. I have no clue what will happen. I do know you will find that in house separation is near impossible. I also do not think i would be sitting around in the same house while my W had an affair.
So for your question as to how you should act, until you know she is done with OM definitely you can do nothing focusing on her in my opinion. And just that my opinion. My marriage did not have an affair involved, so i can not give first hand info on that.
to answer your question about what i wish i did or didn't do, yes i learned a lot here, but i ma not sure anything would have stopped us getting to this point right now. I know you may think there is a time frame involved in all of this, but there is not. If you go back and read some of the success stories some take years.
I guess at this point you kind of need to make a decision on what you want to do. i had a difficult time accepting things i was told here as well for a while, but as i kept going kind of doing my own thing and a little of on here i noticed i was getting no where. Now I am doing what s best for me nd my kids.
I do still have hope, but i deal with the reality as well. catch up on some threads of others and you can get a idea of what i mean.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
