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#2645680 01/21/16 09:11 PM
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raliced Offline OP
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Hello All,

My final thread in Newcomers has been limping along for 6 months with me doggedly updating it every few weeks or so – but now that most of the members of my “DB Class” have migrated here – I suppose it is time to join them.
In a nutshell, my XH left me abruptly for an OW in July of 2014 and moved in directly with her. Shortly afterwards, it came out that he had more than one affair. We had moved here to be closer to my family (which had been a longstanding plan) a year and a half earlier. He had stayed behind for 4 months to get our house sold and after he rejoined us it was clear that he was not happy. I’m not sure if it was because of the move or if he missed his first lover (he claims it started after I had already left with our daughters). Sort of a chicken and egg thing, I guess.

Anyway – I know that I am more fortunate that a lot of folks here. I get my girls the majority of the time (although my heart aches during the brief periods they are with their father), I’m able to support myself and them, I have family around me, and the divorce itself was relatively amicable in a material sense. I did go out and develop some pretty good GAL activities and new friendships. And I would say a pretty good percentage of the time my spirits are relatively high.

That being said, I also lost my father very suddenly last summer, and between his death and the sudden dismantling of my family, I confess there are times that I feel adrift. I have a hard time articulating this, but despite being out in the world more, I do feel this distance growing between myself and other people. I know a lot of people who have experienced this have a hard time trusting new romantic partners, but it goes farther than that with me – I feel a need to be reserved in my feelings towards everyone except my children, family and few longtime friends. I’ve always been a pretty easy going person and I have always performed well in stressful situations (which has come in handy career-wise), but I definitely feel stress more now. And truthfully - lately I feel a lot of dismay that I will be tethered to XH for the res of my life.

Which brings me to an update on XH – His relationship with OW is over and he now has a 1bd apt much closer to us. After that happened he seemed to be a little more open and relatively cordial for a couple of months, but now he has withdrawn again in a major way. Since BD we’ve primarily communicated via email, text and the shared calendar that I maintain, and last week he informed me that he had changed phone plans, would no longer have data and now does not have access to email except the portion of the shift he is at the office (he’s a cop) four days a week. At child exchanges he makes no eye contact and cannot get away fast enough. Recently, after years of working unpredictable shifts that changed quarterly - his department changed and he will now have the same schedule for a year, including Saturdays off. I try not to have expectations, but even I was a little surprised now that he has the time off, that he hasn’t been able to make it to any of D7’s basketball games. When he got his new schedule he only asked to have them for a single Saturday a month. Actually he didn’t ask for “them” – just for D7 and I had to nudge him about D4 too. What is he spending his time doing? Apparently he has joined a political fringe party that wants to secede from the state. This Saturday is “his”, but he has to drop the girls off early instead of at D7’s basketball game because he has a “speaking engagement” (although he did say he would try to make it to 1 or 2 of her games). I have no idea if he’s dating someone else. D7 mentioned that a female friend with a son D4’s age spent the night once (in separate bedrooms) when the weather got bad. When I heard it, I felt absolutely nothing, except a fervent hope that if he is getting entangled with someone else that he keeps the girls out of it this time.

I feel absolutely no inclination to date. It’s not fear; there is just a complete absence of interest there. I enjoy being a mom immensely and right now I’m okay focusing on them and me, myself and I.
Anyway – I have more to post – mostly kid stuff – but I think that’s enough for one day.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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He sounds, frankly, like a mental health mess. He can't afford a data plan with his phone? Joining a fringe group and becoming a featured speaker for them? Spending almost no time with his kids?

Sounds like you need to minimize contact with him and just focus on making your life fabulous.

I can understand you not wanting to date; single parenting two kids is tough. Dating takes energy that you may not have right now. But if you feel yourself retiring in general from people, you may be suffering from depression or PTSD. Make sure to take care of yourself.

Life can be unpredictable; an older friend of mine was in a difficult divorce. His wife left him for another man. The last four years he has pined for her and been stuck in the drama of their protracted divorce negotiations. He was in a lot of pain and couldn't really move on.
This week he died in an accident. I can't help but think of all the wasted energy over the last four years, of all the joy he missed because he wouldn't let go.

Make sure you let go so you can LIVE.

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Hi Raliced - weird stuff about him....who knows?? He doesn't sound to be in a great place.

As for you, it sounds as though you are doing pretty well, but like many of us - more healing to come. Going through a marital breakdown and losing your Dad suddenly in the midst of that is a lot to process. (((Big hugs)))

Brene Brown popped into my mind as I was reading this. Have you looked at her two TED talks or read any of her books? Her thoughts on vulnerability might be of interest for you.

Take care, be well and enjoy what life has to offer xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Raliced, welcome to the hood. I'll post more later today but I'm processing a few things and I think I need to work through those before I have anything to offer.

I echo the sentment of gratitude that you don't have to be part of his mess. You have always struck me as tremendously level and strong but please be sure you're taking care of yourself.


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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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raliced Offline OP
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Thanks All-

I do want to make sure I'm not painting too black of a picture of XH. Our settlement specifies that he has the kids 6-8 nights a month and he does always do that. However because of his schedule, that has always meant having them on school nights (and they still have extracurricular stuff) - so he has ended up only having them for about 8 waking hours a week. I will give him full props- it sounds like he gives them his full attention during that time. And that is why I was a little surprised, now that Saturday is available, that he doesn't exercise the option of seeing them at games, etc.

I think that is actually the cause of my current malaise. When things ended with OW and he moved back to our town - I didn't ever really think reconciliation was in the wind, but I did think a better parenting relationship was possible, and I guess I'm a little disappointed that doesn't appear to be the case (and it's not like I do any pushing).

One of the things he does is tell the kids he misses them in such a way as to engender pity for himself. D7 would say things like "poor daddy...all alone...sad because he misses us...etc." I finally had to have a conversation with her, in as age appropriate language as I could muster, that it was fine to feel sad that she doesn't get to see him as much as she would probably want, but his guilt/sadness is not her burden to bear. And I guess as I see him becoming more and more distant, I foresee a lot more of these kinds of problems.

Anyway- in good news - my job is going to begin to send me to Santa Cruz once a month (on a night when XH has kids), shich means I can spend one evening without kids enjoying the beach scenery. That will be nice.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Raliced, happy you are here. smile



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Raliced, you have handled yourself with such strength and grace. You've been a real inspiration to me. I agree-- it's hard to understand how they willingly give up so much time with their kids. My friend is dating someone who splits his kids 50/50 with his ex. I have a lot of respect for that kind of dad.

As for distancing yourself from others. .. I can understand how it can be hard to put yourself in a position of vulnerability again. There is great risk in that. I would second the recommendation for Brene brown. Something to work through, in time. All in good time. My shrink told me today it could take 4-5 years to fully heal from this. Hang in there.


Me 38 H 40
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T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Raliced,

I'm so happy to hear you are doing well. I love Santa Cruz...I was there back in early September and the weather was fantabulous.

Your h sounds like he is on his own trajectory. I'll leave it at that. And I totally relate to the no interest in dating. I figure everything is fluid and maybe one day my feelings change or they don't.

You do have a way of handling things with grace and dignity. Sending you an Almond Joy:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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What a pleasure to find an update from you, raliced. Yes, it seems that our cohort belongs more here at the moment. Personally, I felt that my acceptance of the D is just not fitting for the newcomers section.

I'm intrigued and somewhat worried about this partial withdrawal from the world, this lack of connection. I can't really comment on it as it's not something I've experienced, nor read about.

I know a poem that says, translated "love is not for cowards". I think a lot about it these days, as I am dating. What I realized is that love is a game and that everyone is on the field, even those who try to avoid it. Relating to other people is a deep human need, and establishing intimate and exclusive relationships with certain people is part of that. Whether we chose to remain single, to sleep around, to have polygamous relationships or monogamous lifelong marriages, we are playing the game and all of the players' positions have challenges. Most people here had chosen the lifelong monogamous marriage and it brought us joy and then bottomless pain for a while. Some people choose to remain single and end up feeling the loneliness of it. Sleeping around and short term relationships have their own kinds of risks and challenges. What I mean is that by deciding not to date (very legitimate choice), you don't exit the game of relationships, you switch position. You chose a different set of risks and challenges.

My relationships are getting more serious and I might be looking at someone to whom I want to commit. I've decided that I cannot be guarded all my life IN CASE I might get hurt down the road. There's no way I can avoid pain entirely, and withholding will bring its own kind of hurt. I've no choice but to jump in, with as much innocence as I can muster, and enjoy every moment. The difference is that I'm now aware that it might not last forever. Whether than enhances or deprecates the experience remains to be seen.

I'm surprised you're interested in the parenting choices of your XH. I mean, it's normal that you'd be interested in the impact it has on your kids (kudos for making him take D4 with D7), but you seem more puzzled about the impact it has on him, like the little time he spends with them. Maybe you still want to think he's an idiot? You want to be reassured that he's making bad choices, so that would explain the D? In any case, it tells me that you may have a few more steps towards indifference towards him.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Raliced-if this is a highjack, I am terribly sorry. However, I am apologizing in some really cool wedge knee high boots.

Mozza,

I love reading your posts. I am a thinker by nature and your post came across as I was having a spirited text exchange with a male friend. I think many of us hear the phrase, "You have to put yourself out there" (whatever that means....I always envision someone hanging over a balcony over a group of peeps:)And all of this is strictly my opinion......

I think people should date when they are ready..not force themselves to do something because society thinks we are "less than" because we were left or single. I'm not saying that is what you are implying, however, I always feel people think you have to be looking for love. I was in a 6.5 live in R with xb before I met xh. I loved being in a committed relationship. Loved it. Loved being married. Even when the house was crazy. However, I have exactly zero desire to be in a R right now. No one is more shocked at that than me. Of course, everything is fluid and what is today may not be next Thursday. I can very honestly tell you it isn't fear. I'm not afraid to be hurt. I have hurt others and that possibility still exists. It's just that right now, I feel it is important to live a little, hang out with friends, and focus on my kids. I have no idea what Raliced feels, however, I think that is a legit feeling. Maybe I am an anomaly:)

I guess my rambling point is that I don't think Raliced is trying to avoid love. I think she is finding her way in her new life. You are correct in that nothing lasts forever (except death and several have different religious views on that)and I agree that we should live life to the fullest. I guess I just don't think because someone isn't actively seeking love doesn't make them not living life to the fullest.

And I apologize ahead of time if this comes across as argumentative. As I stated, your posts are always very thoughtful. Just sharing another side of the thoughts.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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