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got the ILYBNILWY on 8/18/15. W went away the next weekend and started her full blown romantic affair.

I uncovered the truth 11/6/15 and blew the lid off it. W apologized and we began working on saving the M in earnest.

Things have been very good for the last two months. We attend MC weekly and I attend IC as well in order to deal with some of the feelings I've had after discovering the A.

We are communicating better than we have in a long time and are actively ML on a regular basis.

I've made so many changes to my own life and I continue to do those things. I've done a good job of setting boundaries with W and they seem to be effective.

I guess I'm just looking for advice and support on how to better deal with the piecing part of the recovery process.

I won't go through this again, so I want to do my best to make sure that I'm doing all I can do to make our new M a great one.

I know this board doesn't get a lot of traffic, either, but hopefully someone has some suggestions for me.

Thanks!

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Hi, I don't have a lot to contribute - I was here and then went back to Newcomers when I discovered that H was back in an EA with OW again, but it was supposedly fizzling just when I found out - so we're piecing again. I'm too afraid to jinx it to come back here, though, but I stop by. smile

What kind of boundaries did you set?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Mowgli Offline OP
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Mostly in regards to attitude and how I allow myself to be treated. I used to let W have her way and not really challenge. I don't do that anymore.

She can get really angry over things I consider insignificant and I used to let her treat me poorly when something would happen because I was always taught to pick my battles.

When I realized that my issue wasn't the event, but the reaction, I set the boundary that she doesn't get to talk to me in that way. If it's something she want to discuss, I'll listen when she calms down, but she doesn't get to yell at me about putting peanuts in the wrong container anymore (example)

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Sounds like a very mature approach. I have had similar problems, and it seems some people get worse the nicer you are to them. Healthy boundaries can get you more respect.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 107
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Inspired by this Mow, thanks


M 43 W 45
M 10.5 T 15
S 26 D 17 (previous relationships)
ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D
Confirm affair 1/10/16
W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
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I've been seeing a lot of great posts over in Newcomer's, Mow. How are things going with you?


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
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Mowgli Offline OP
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Squiggy,

I just wrote and update on my sitch over in newcomers.

Things are going well. The more I learn about myself and W, the more I realize that this A had so little to do with me and who I am, and had so much more to do with W and the internal struggles that she's been battling her whole life.

That's not to say I didn't contribute to things. Our M wasn't great, but it wasn't bad; it just was... I didn't or couldn't hear what she was trying to say in the way she was saying it and that made her feel like I didn't love her.

I've learned to validate and listen. I keep my mouth shut and my ears open and it has made a world of difference.

I've learned more about what I need and what I want for myself, which is probably the most important thing. We can't be truly happy until we realize that our happiness comes from within...

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Mowgli Offline OP
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Just wanted to let everyone know that things are still going well for me. W and I are 6 months past the day I told her that I knew about OM and the day she decided she wanted to work on things. There have been bumps in the road to be sure, but the good days well outweigh the bad. We have the tools we need now to get past those ugly patches because of my DBing and combined MC and IC.

I'm in a much better place now because i've learned and seen my co-dependent tendencies and I know I can't get sucked into that if I truly want to be happy. I also can't run away from conflict and have learned that some of it is actually healthy. I'm seeing with both eyes open and am truly living and not just merely existing.

W has put a lot of work into getting herself to a better place. She's done lot of reflecting and has really started to focus on some issues that she's had. She is much happier now than ever before.

Most importantly, we are making time for each other. It doesn't have to be fancy, we just spend time together. It's nice.

Follow the system, follow the rules and regardless of the result of your R, you will be a happier healthier person, I promise!

I know now that no matter what happens, I can handle it! I came out the other side a stronger person and that's because of this program!

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Glad to hear of your update. smile


Just wanted to say that I've just watched the Jungle Book and thought that you've chosen a really cool nick.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Mowgli Offline OP
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LOL! Thanks!

I chose it because I love Rudyard Kipling and I felt kind of connected to that journey Mowgli goes through.

He has no idea who he is or who he's supposed to be and that's how I was feeling. i felt for a long time that I was being pulled in 1,000 directions. Everyone wanted me to be someone different or do something for them and I felt lost.

I'm out of the Jungle now. I feel like I know who I am, who I want to be and how to get there.

Thanks for the kind words!

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