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Bob, on my thread I talked about the 'one year rule'. That you don't under any circumstanced date for one year after the D is FINALIZED. Not when you separate. Not when you stop having sex. Not when you move into a different bedroom. But from when the divorce is final.

Frankly your neediness is very destructive. You haven't moved on. You simply don't like the way you feel. You feel bad. At first this drove you to think "I need WAW back so I don't feel this way". Then it was plain that wouldn't happen, so now you're like, "great, whatever, now I need someone else so I don't feel this way".

The fact that you're "over" WAW doesn't mean you're emotionally healed, it just means that the target of your desperate neediness has shifted from her to someone else. If you started dating now you would be desperately searching for a new relationship to save you from the pain you're in. The problem is that in 12-24 months when you aren't in pain anymore you'll look at the person you're with wonder why, because right now you've got pain goggles (like beer goggles) that make anyone look like a perfect ten. And in the process you'll burn bridges with WAW, stunt your own healing and cause your pain to last much longer, hurt someone else that doesn't understand they are being USED as a medication, and worst of all you may end up in a sticky relationship for a long time that's worse than what you just came from. But you go right ahead.

Bottom line, you have brought this up so many times I don't think you'll be strong enough to follow this rule. Still, I will tell you this like giving a truth dart to a WAS. So I will close by saying this: You allowing yourself to be driven by short term desires is no different than your wife walking, and frankly BOTH attitudes are equally disdainful and are the root of why relationships are failing these days. Suck it up, take it on the chin, and act with character.

Last edited by Zues126; 01/06/16 03:25 AM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Yes your right. I am weak. and it dose not stop me from thinking about it. It's better fro me to come on here and get slapped about a bit and get a dose of reality check, because I am weak it gives me a bit of support.
I think it depends on the people around you too, I have some saying to me it's over you need to move on find some one else, then you have you guys who are like me and living it they say you have to hold on. I should listen to the people who are living it.
Just keep getting stuck into me Zeus, I know I keep failing but your helping me, Thanks
Can you give me a link to the thread your talking about.

Last edited by AU Bob; 01/06/16 03:58 AM.

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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...357#Post2637357

Better to know your weakness, own it, and manage it, than to fail thinking you are stronger than you are. Vent away and keep posting. PS- new thread soon!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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WAW came around to pick up D17 to take her shopping. She wanted to come in for some reason, I was in my bedroom reading and stayed there, she came in and started talking to me and said to me I didnt have to stay in the room while she eas there, and said she would make us coffee, she said a few thing I cant remember and at the end of it said she wished we could be friends, i just said no i dont think so and said I would move out to the kitchen with her.
When we started talking it was just about general stuff and how we were doing and what we were doing, i explained to her basicly how I now have a life that is satisfying and I am at peace. All the regular activitys I do and my nights out for dinners and dancing ect, I showed her pictures of the progress of the restoration of my pickup truck, and other pictures of gatherings and activitys I have done an attended.
Then the relationship reared its ugly head again, I had sent her a text a couple of weeks ago telling her that if she wanted to use our house while she had our grandaughter with her she was welcome to bring her here, i also added that I could go elsewhere while she was here, she did not reply to me and i just wrote it off as indifference and thought no more about it.
She said she did not understand why i would not want to be there I just said nothing. Then she asked why I did not talk to her much at our christmas gathering, i just said I spoke to you everytime you spoke to me. She took a few photos of grandaughter and me while i was there. I made no real effort to engage her.
Then i showed her pictures of my 50th birthday, she looked at them and said pity I was not invited!
At this stage I had sort of started to get a bit perplexed, i said you are not a part of my life anymore, i am well onmy way togetting a life back and i am now at peace with it all, i am happy now and enjoying life again. I said to her she has never really explained why she walked out she just gave me bits and pieces, i told her i agreed that things were not good and that i wanted to work on it (i have) she chose to walk away i said to her that i understood why she felt she had to do that but I did not agree with how she did it (Involvement with OM) i did not mention him she knows that herself.
She mentioned the friendship thing again and i just said no I have a life now and i am happy. She said the same thing to me 2 months acter she walked out.
Ok start giving me your thoughts.


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Anyone ?


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Hi Au Bob, if you're not getting the responses you're hoping for, it may be helpful to take some time to get to know other's sitches, post on their threads and that in turn can encourage them on to yours. I'm not sure if you'll remember 'the other Bob' but he was a past master of this - it is a case of the more you put in the more you'll get out I think.

For me, it sounds as though you did reasonably well with all of the above. I think it's just important to recognise that things take time. I'd like to see you posting some more about what things you are doing for yourself, as your own journey towards healing and a rich life (with or without your W in it) are the most important things here.

Take care my friend smile


T 13 M 7
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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks Sotto
I was just staying home until a couple month ago. I did not really let a lot of people know about my sitch out of embarrassment and shame mostly, I only told a few close friends.
Two months ago I started to realise that this sitch was not going away and she was not going to come back, I was tiered and lonely, I needed to reconnect with people again, I told a lot more people and let it be known I was up for going out and doing stuff again, this has blossomed and I now get invites all the time.
I go to the gym almost every day and have friends there. I have a vintage car (56 VW bug) I meet up with a few other car freaks every sunday morn for coffee and a chat. I have vintage racing bicycles that I ride with others a fair bit.
I have gone out dancing a lot and dinners at friends places.
So I think the GAL thing is starting to take shape quite well, I am a lot happier and most of the anxiety is gone.
I also have the support of my children who are not that happy about how she is behaving, two of them have said to me I am better off without WAW, this saddens me quite a bit, they used to have such a loving relationship.
It's strange now that WAW is the one who seems to be upset that I am getting over her, they don't understand that you get to a point where "you" get strong enough to be indifferent and start taking control of and enjoying your life again.


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... and therein lies the catch.

You W would still like to control you. She does not want do be with you, but she would still like to control your actions and keep you on her hook so to speak. This is where most people fcuk up, the mistake spouse's question as a renewed sign of interest, but in all truth they are just checking if we are still there where they left us.

And us moving away rings alarm bells with them, as they realize that they are not in control. So they seek to regain control.

Jut live your life as she is not coming back, you are not healed enough to even consider dating, but your GAL index is off the charts, so my hat is of to you sir.

Just live on, learn to love yourself again and life does get better day by day. That does not mean that there won't be days when you'll be in the dumps, but progress is imminent!

Stay strong buddy, you really are doing very well.

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Thanks Vapo
I just love it when they say "but can we still be friends" who benefits from that? What planet are they on? This is the ultimate cake eating in my book, they still want to play happy family's when it suits them, and then sneak off to OM-OW.
No thanks, I have a life of my own, don't need WAW hanging around to complicate it.
My children are slowly giving her distance because of her behaviour, I don't need to say anything, she's digging her own grave.
I still wish my family were together, and I do miss her, she was once a loving caring person, she is not that person anymore!


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Hey Bob, just sharing for the others that may have the same questions.

My two cents...there are words, and there are actions.

If you don't want to be friends, you don't have to be...but that doesn't mean you have to tell her "I won't be friends with you". You can simply say "No matter what happens we'll have the children and you'll always be part of my life" or even "that would be nice". But then simply decline invitations, be busy, be unavailable, don't share your life. In other words say one thing and do another.

Is this lying? It's a white lie. It's no worse than when you don't want to attend someone's party so you tell them you have other plans. Why would you say "I have no interest in going to your stupid party"? Same reason I don't see a reason to say you won't be friends, just don't be.

Saying "I won't be friends" is actually a bit controlling in my opinion. It's trying to exert pressure on her to rethink her behavior by exerting the little bit of leverage left, her desire to be friends. At least it could definitely come off that way.

Of course, there are people that advise truth darting, the "if you go through with this we won't be friends", but that's usually earlier in the process.

Finally, DB coaches are big proponents of friendship as the basis of any type or R. They say the stages are 1) let the dust settle, 2) develop a autonomous co-parenting relationship and let friendship grow, 3) see if romance is re-introduced, 4) reconcile. The problem is for most DBers it takes a long time for the dust to settle.

Anyway, just some thoughts about the friendship question.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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